December 29

When I wrote a week ago I didn’t mention that we had just had a harrowing morning moment with Sarah. We were in Florida for vacation and our first day and a half went quite smoothly, in part because we were exceedingly flexible with our timing and the kids didn’t even need to agree on what to do. Sunday morning we had a scheduled trip to the Everglades and Sarah was not having it. Unfortunately this was at 6am and involved her screaming a lot, to the dismay of our hotel neighbors who knocked on our door twice because of the noise. It turned out that the scheduled trip was cancelled anyway because of the weather, but we didn’t know that until Sarah’s personal storm had passed and we had given up on the plans anyway. Amy and I brought breakfast to the room and then she and Carl went out for a hike in the rain in the Everglades anyway. I stayed with Sarah, who napped for three hours. I don’t know if the need for three hours of sleep was behind her massive upset or if the upset wore her out to that degree. Either way, we (re)learned that whenever possible it is best not to have timed things in the morning. Or maybe at all. Except then the next day the girls went to the scheduled Kids Camp at the hotel and going there was no problem at all. 

Difficult moments aside, overall we had a wonderful time. Sarah’s pool time was amazing. She spent all of her time ducking her head under water and moving her limbs and practicing not getting water in her mouth. I would even call it swimming, with a need for some refining of technique. This is huge and amazing. She was wearing her goggles and tossing a dive ring for herself to retrieve. Collectively she spent hours doing this. She also loved playing on the beach, watching the waves. Amy loved the pool time and collecting shells and eating delicious pancakes for breakfast. It was quite windy and there were more gulls and terns and pelicans than I have ever seen on a beach. We made the mistake of attempting to have a snack while on the beach, but were immediately accosted by swarming gulls who wouldn’t leave us alone until I hid the bag of food under my shirt. It was a little scary. 

After our time in Florida we flew to Philadelphia, luckily allowing plenty of time before our flight. We had time for the valet parking service to temporarily (30 min) lose our car and for Sarah’s antiseizure meds to set off a security alert that meant a pat-down for me, which somehow triggered another alarm on their chemical-testing wand, which meant taking me to a room for another pat-down, which didn’t set off an alarm. I was sent on my way with the medication. 

We had a wonderful time in Philly with Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop and a wonderful time in Wilmington with Grammy and Granddad and uncles B and B. Somehow Santa knew to fill stockings in our hotel but bring the rest of the presents to Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop’s house. It is hard to know how much belief there is in Santa, since the girls also clearly know that they give and receive presents to and from people. 

Carl got the girls step-counters for Christmas. At first Amy was walking all over to get more steps. Once she realized the measurements aren’t perfect she got mad and hasn’t really worn it much since. Sarah only wore hers once, but it was a memorable afternoon because she and Amy were running laps around a small track to prepare for the kids marathon in May. They were eager to check their step count after each lap and to outdo the other. Sarah’s stamina was impressive and surprising. 

It is interesting how within a person and a day there can be such intensely frustrating moments and such intensely amazing moments. 

Amy’s art continues to amaze me. This morning she drew a portrait of her favorite stuffed animal, complete with many specific details. She also became Grammy’s special mealtime helper, in a way that reminded me of my younger years helping at my grandparents’ house. 

December 22

Amy was much better from her cough by the time her school’s winter concert came around on Wednesday night. Carl and I also had tickets to see Straight No Chaser so we had a double header of an evening. Our sitter A. came to Amy’s concert to be ready to take the girls home afterward while Carl and I went downtown. Usually the only way to have Sarah sit quietly for these concerts is to let her have her iPod. A. has some magic powers and sat and talked with Sarah while they watched the concert!

Sarah lost a tooth at school and it was truly lost. Amy suggested that Sarah could write a letter to the tooth fairy, as Amy had done in the past. Amy wrote the letter with blanks for Sarah to complete with the general tooth location and her name. This was apparently sufficient for the tooth fairy!

Sc bequeathed her red and white striped pajamas to Sarah. They are big on Sarah, but that has never stopped Sarah before! Amazingly, they are the same brand as the striped shirt and hat that I got for Sarah recently. This is great because then I can wash one shirt at a time without protest. 

I finished teaching my last evening course. I will occasionally teach an evening class but not an 18 week course. I loved my students, but it was hard for me to get home at 11pm and wake up at 5:30am the next day. I will now only teach a morning course, in addition to my Alexander teaching that gets sprinkled around at varying days and times. I have been feeling very grateful for having jobs that I love, wonderful students and clients, and that part of my job involves receiving massages from my students!

I hope you all had snuggly solstices. 

December 15

Last Sunday the girls decorated our large gingerbread house. Once they were allowed to sample it, the roof was broached. This was a new experience for me to eat the actual gingerbread so early. Normally the house sits so long (with just candy being eaten) that the gingerbread gets stale and hard. Then if you wait long enough it gets soft again. That is when I was used to eating it.

Also last Sunday, we went to lunch at Aladdins. This is one of our favorite places to go as a family because they are quick, kid-friendly, and relatively healthy. Amy hadn’t had much for breakfast and had waited much longer than usual before having more food. I assumed that her distress at Aladdins was due to being very hungry. She was miserable and then had chills. She said her legs didn’t feel right. I started to freak out. We did get some food and drink in her and then I took her to the car to call the healthcare advice line. We went home and Amy had advil and a nap. When she woke up she seemed completely better. She went to school on Monday seeming totally well. Monday night took her down with a fever and repeated puking. So Tuesday she was home and enjoyed some quality snuggle time with our cat Olivia. Wednesday she seemed better aside from a cough. Thursday, similar, though the cough was a bit more intense so I questioned my judgement. It is hard when Amy fights so hard to go to school. It is hard for me to force her to stay home. Thursday night her cough was so persistent she couldn’t go to sleep so we went to the Express Care walk-in service at the Children’s Hospital. Two hours later we were home after she had been given liquid steroid and a breathing treatment with albutirol. The doctor said her coughing sounded like that of someone with asthma where they get in a cycle of inflammation causing coughing which then causes inflammation which causes coughing. We were sent home with a nebulizer to continue breathing treatments until her cough is much better and 4 days of the steroid to help calm everything down. These treatments have helped immensely. Now it is notable when she does cough rather than being notable when the cough abates for a minute, which is how it was on Thursday evening. 

Due to Amy’s situation I was ripe for the duping on Wednesday morning when Sarah uncharacteristically came downstairs as soon as I turned on the hall lights to wake her. Usually we go through 4 rounds of my turning on the lights and her scampering out as the Light Bandit to turn them off.  (As she says, "the Light Bandit strikes again!" Amy amended it to be “the Light Bandit Stripes again!” Then she comes down for breakfast, sometimes reluctantly. Wednesday she came right down and asked me if she could stay home because she didn’t feel well. I thought, I always distrust Sarah about these things and then so often I realize I should have trusted her, so this time I will trust her. Alas, in this case perhaps I should have doubted. It was very clear, after all calls had been made and plans cancelled, that she was totally fine. I chose to focus on the day as a mental health day, because I used to need those when I was little and my mom was wonderful to let me have them. She did rest more than usual. And she does have a cold now, so maybe somehow letting her have a day at home when it wasn’t technically needed helped her evade getting something as intense as Amy’s situation. I think I have made more peace with the fact that making decisions about kids staying home or not is rarely clear and that I will almost always have doubt no matter which decision I make.

We watched Mickey’s Christmas Carol and Sarah loved it even more than usual. Her favorite part is when Scrooge falls into the fiery pit of his own grave. After the movie was finished she really wanted to re-enact that scene so with Carl and Amy’s help she created a box with a hole into which a Donald Duck figurine could fall. Amy made flames from construction paper. Yesterday Sarah wanted to have a hole into which she could fall so she and Carl made one from pillows. 

My Christmas present to myself was finally tackling the giant, overflowing, overstuffed “to file” and “to shred” bins that sit on our mail shelf. Part of the problem was that our filing system in the basement was overstuffed so it was really frustrating to have to add anything. I spent a few minutes pulling out folders that I thought we didn’t need anymore and having Carl verify my decision. We now have a really big pile to take to a shredding place. At least half of what is going is old IEP notes and weekly progress reports from Sarah from when she was in her first preschool or even before that when she had Early Intervention at home. Even looking at the piles I had some sense memories that turned my stomach. Not that we didn’t have lovely people helping us and not that she didn’t progress wonderfully, but that was just such an intense time filled with worry and a lot of struggle, especially around getting Sarah to eat. I also decided we didn’t need every printout from every doctor’s visit she ever had. My promise to myself going forward is to never let the filing system get so frustrating again and to never let the bins on my mail table overflow again. 

I’ve been feeling grateful for our warm house, our healthy food, our time together as a family, reading Christmas books to Amy (because who knows how much longer I will get to read kids' books out loud? that hardly ever happens anymore), and having the time to deal with the areas of mess that have become fixtures in the house. It feels good to have that perspective rather than focusing on the drudgery of needing to deal with the mess. Clearly if the mess has been around this long it doesn’t really need to be cleaned, but I know I feel so much better when things are neater.

December 8

I can’t remember if I have written of this before, so it is possibly a repetition. Whenever we pass a Dairy Queen Sarah will whisper, “Dairy Queen.” For some reason this is hilarious. She often then whispers whatever she says next, which becomes equally hilarious because of being whispered.

This past week Sarah told me when she got her period. I almost didn’t believe her because she so recently had it, but her doctor informed me that this first year can be quite irregular. So to my credit, I didn’t tell Sarah that she was wrong. Instead we went to the bathroom and she got her special undies. I was most impressed by her body awareness and communication of it, which hasn’t happened before with respect to her period. 

Sarah and I had a wonderful SR session. What made it wonderful was that I couldn’t make the trampoline Sarah wanted and she was upset about it for about 45 minutes. Because it was our SR time and Amy was playing with M., I didn’t feel any pressure to move past Sarah’s upset. I was also sleepy so I just sat and listened while she cried, screamed, pleaded, and whined. When our time was almost done I said it was time to take her shower. She protested for a few minutes and then switched to calm ease. She took her shower and washed her hair easily. She seemed calmer overall after her crying session. While I am well aware of how magical a big cry can be, I still marveled at it and was grateful for the reminder. The next morning also went extra smoothly in terms of her getting ready for school.

Sarah had been saying she wanted to be Santa and wanted to wear red and white stripes. She wanted to go to the Red and White Stripe Store, a creation of her imagination in which everything would be striped red and white. Friday morning I had some free time so I went to a thrift store and found a large red and white striped shirt with a matching hat. I also got red, white, and green plaid pajama bottoms. She looks adorably cuddly and has been wearing the whole ensemble since her return from school on Friday.

I started reading The Gratitude Diaries by Janice Kaplan. I have had it on my shelf for months and almost wanted to roll my eyes at it because of course I know that gratitude is a good thing and makes people feel better, blah, blah, blah. While I may know some of what is written, that is a very different thing from applying what I know to my life! I am so glad I have started reading it. It has already been helpful to shift my perspective in many situations to what I can appreciate rather than what I can judge or begrudge. This has helped me be happier more often. I’m also intrigued by the advice regarding showing gratitude more often to people in my life, especially those closest to me. This means focusing more on the adorable creative qualities of my favorite children rather than grumbling about the tissues and socks strewn about. Or possibly being grateful that we have such a snug, warm house with an ample supply of tissues and socks. 

I made miniature gingerbread house pattern cookies, which the girls assembled and decorated, sampling their way through the decorations. Today we will decorate the giant house that takes multiple days for the frosting to set into enough stability to handle the pressure of decorating. 

Amy has been drawing many animals using a how-to-draw book. I am amazed at her ability and her innate drive to create art.

Last weekend we got our tree and Sarah was the one most eager to start decorating it. She participated the whole time and then started taking ornaments off so she could rehang them. This is a shift from past years when she would lose interest part way through. Our cat thinks the tree is tasty despite repeated tummy-upsets because of eating it. She also climbed fully into the lower branches yesterday, which is a first in all of my years of having cats. I know many cats do it, but I was just hoping to have my cat refrain.

I am so grateful to all of you for witnessing our journey and my thoughts about it. I feel loved and supported knowing you are with us and interested in our tears and triumphs. The times that some of you write back mean a great deal too. And I love hearing about your own lives and journeys! I really do!!

December 1

Happy Thanksgiving! We had a wonderful, bountiful day. Grandma made songbooks that included some of the girls’ favorite songs. Amy belted out “Let it Go” with gusto. (Some day I want to name a pet Gusto so I can say that I do everything with Gusto.) Amy and I did a duet of the Vampirina theme song. Sarah took over the piano from Grandma. We all sang many of the songs together, though Amy got upset with the ones she didn’t know. For the rest of the time, Sarah often only wanted to play with Grandpa. Sonia and I did our usual food preparation where we each make enough for the entire group and then put it all together. It was as delicious as always. 

Earlier in the week Sarah did Madlibs with Amy and me. Sometimes she would supply a word. Sometimes she would be the scribe, either asking us for words or copying the prompt into the blank (eg. noun). Since doing her spelling homework is not her forte, I sent the book of madlibs to her teacher to show her what Sarah had done. I haven’t heard back. Still, it amazes me that Sarah was doing all of that with the madlibs, and her writing was correctly on the lines instead of bisected by the lines. 

As you know, baths for Sarah can be a struggle especially when it comes to washing her hair. For a while it was going well but recently had become quite challenging for all involved, with screaming and tears for Sarah and helper Amy. A couple of weeks ago, Sarah then accidentally pressed the overhead shower button. That startled her and Carl turned it into a reference to her favorite thing of a circle with a line through it meaning “no.” Suddenly she was having a good time. Since then, she has taken three showers, one of which still involved upset regarding hair. I bought baby shampoo that she can pump herself. She had been requesting the baby shampoo, of which we had a small bottle left over from years ago. Her last shower was almost fully independent. My only role was to prompt more water or more scrubbing, but she did everything herself. Fingers crossed for today’s shower. 

Yesterday, Carl bought some storage shelves and put them together with Sarah’s help. True help. She hammered shelf supports into their holes and she cut the straps on the box. 

Sarah has been making her own hot chocolate. This is wonderful independence, with the downside that she gives herself an extra hot chocolate per day. 

There have been a few of our customary rough spots, such as when Sarah got home from running  errands with Carl and promptly walked over to where Amy and I were playing Go Fish and pushed our cards off of the playing surface. There was also a time when I was feeling sad and she was laughing while saying she would make me sadder and would take my tissues. I just don’t know how to handle such moments. For the past couple of nights I have been spending a few minutes quietly imagining some of the challenging moments and directing my body to feel grounded and easy, so that that can become my habit rather than my tightening. I have tried this in the past and found it helpful but then somehow let the practice go. I am hoping this will help with the moments that dumbfound me. 

Amy has been her usual amazing self, creating art, reading, making friendship bracelets, doing gymnastics flips on the sofa, being on top of the world and then being furious with all of us and then somehow being happy again. Amy also likes to be my lap cat, which is adorably snuggly. 

November 24

I love to read, but often I don’t immerse myself in a book because then I don’t want to do anything else except read. It is a tricky balance. I just started Where The Crawdads Sing and I really don’t want to put it down. 

I’ve been thinking often about the relationship between Sarah and me, especially when we have our hard times. I have often read the reminder that a child is having a hard time rather than giving someone else a hard time. I totally appreciate that and believe it. But what I wish was also part of that sentence is the honoring that maybe the grown up is also having a hard time. Because when things are really hard I have so little slack to somehow gain the upper ground. I’m just as lost in my own overload as Sarah is, though we may be overloaded by different and interacting things. We had a hard time yesterday. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it was intensely hard and I was my worst self. I rallied after the height of trouble had passed and we had a wonderful time of close connection that felt very Sarah-Risey. My only goal was to connect well and somehow erase when I was awful. We did connect well. I felt inspired to have that as my only goal ever. And yet, just as with my easier desire to read all the time, the rest of life exists too and I find my adherence to my goal slipping. I can love and appreciate my passion to be here solely for Sarah. I can also feel riotously begrudging that somehow that is asked of me (even if I am doing the asking), because what about me having the rest of my life? I know that most of the time there is a good balance. I know that when I really focus on connecting with her then I feel better and things go better. It is also hard to keep up all the time or even just on demand when my best self might be needed with little advanced notice. This is all a jumble to say that Sarah is my heart and soul and I pour so much into her and am so glad to have her in my life. And, this is so hard sometimes!!! So so so hard. Did I mention that this is hard? And that sometimes I’m a really awful mom? Sometimes I’m amazing and sometimes I’m really not.

We went to see Frozen 2 as a family yesterday. This was the first time we have watched a full movie in a theater all together. Sarah did need to have a break in the middle of the most intense scene, but was mostly attentive and quiet the rest of the time, which is rather amazing. 

Sarah did beautifully with swimming and gymnastics this week. Her piano recital last weekend went wonderfully and some of the what I predicted didn’t happen. She stayed in her seat for almost the whole recital. She was mostly quiet, aside from announcing loudly at one point that she was ready to go to Coldstone for ice cream. 

This morning I realized that Amy never learned to braid. Neither has Sarah, but I’m less concerned about that. So I taught Amy to braid and she made a friendship bracelet. 

Amy is at a wonderful age and stage of being loving. She tells me daily that she loves me soooo much and she gives me giant hugs.

I no longer pick up clothes from the girls’ floor. I will put away clean laundry and I will pickup after people in other rooms, but not theirs. This takes great restraint, but feels like a good starting point for all of us.

November 17

Sarah and I have had more of our massively hard times together. I feel so weary of it all, as if I’m trying to drive but I have only fumes left in the tank. I am refilling it, but slowly. A couple of days ago it felt like we were having emotional wrestling matches and I was in the ring giving up but every time I thought we were done then we would re-engage. After two rounds then Sarah wanted to snuggle. She sat on me. After a couple of minutes she bounced in a way that hurt so I said that it hurt and asked her not to do it again. She laughed and did it more. I didn’t respond calmly to that. I felt done but with no escape in that moment. Yes, I can get sitters but you can’t just magic a sitter into being present instantly. And sometimes these moments feel like they come out of nowhere and blindside me. I feel like Charlie Brown with the football, as if somehow I should know better that any seemingly easy moment could turn at the drop of a hat, but I keep expecting things to just go smoothly. And often they do. The girls have had many moments lately of easily playing together for hours at a time. I know the rough moments are actually short in duration and a small percentage of our overall experience, but in the moment it can be hard to remember that.

I am relearning that I need to map out my weekly time more carefully, as I used to do in pre-parenting days. I used to know how many massages I could give in a day or week and how many was too many. I knew that if I exceeded my limit one week then the next week needed to be light. I don’t have that figured out for myself now because half of my work is teaching and often teaching or giving a massage can feel rejuvenating. Some weeks I can handle a high level of busyness and other weeks I can’t, but I can’t necessarily tell ahead of time which is which. I also know that when Sarah and I struggle that is more fatiguing than anything. So I’m not quite sure of the chicken or the egg, but I am now looking ahead at my weeks and blocking time out when I’m not allowed to work. Or rather, I’m not allowed to do my occupational work. I need that time to do my home work so that I don’t feel out of control with life and thus stressed, with less flexible ease for my children.

Amy has had more wonderful moments of helping Sarah with her homework. And we have had more rough walks home after we get Amy from school, where Amy directs any upset from the school day at Sarah, no matter what she is doing or not doing. Sometimes Sarah ignores her and other times she antagonizes in the big-sister way that she does. Or Sarah decides to push at my boundaries (getting too close to a steep drop-off in the woods or spitting at everything). In those moments I just wish I could teleport us home.

On the plus side, I marvel that Sarah has a piano recital today. Her third! She will get up in front of a crowd, bow, play her piece, pause part-way through to say something to her teacher about what one of both of them is wearing, finish her piece, possibly singing along, bow, and come back to her seat. Then she will most likely try to roam through the seating area and the doors of the church while I hope she will not do or say anything too loud or disruptive. But still! It is still amazing that she continues to learn new piano pieces and can perform them. Sarah also did her homework easily this morning, writing about her piano recital and that she will wear her scarf to it.

To help divert Sarah when she is in a mode of wanting to pick up everything in the kitchen, I made a sensory bin of dried beans and peas. She loves it. It hasn’t yet been put to the kitchen test, but I’m glad to have it as a possibility.

Sarah just asked Amy to go upstairs to play. Amy said yes. Sarah replied, “Come on, vamanos.” Many moments are so easy and wonderful I am stunned. These moments happen just as often or more often than the hard times.

I’m feeling very human this morning, and very repetitive with these stories of struggles. I feel like I should apologize because I’m supposed to be inspiring, but my main aim is just to share our real moments. I just wish I could fill more weeks with the amazing real moments instead of the hard real moments.  

November 10

The week with no iPod for Sarah went beautifully. She easily found other things to do. This has reminded me to keep turns short because then the upset at the end of a turn is much less than if a turn is long. Sometimes I have let turns be long because it seems like I then have time to do something uninterrupted. No more. 

Wednesday was a great day for Sarah. She focused well during piano, despite wearing her favorite piano staff/note scarf (which usually draws her focus intensely). She also did amazingly well during gymnastics. She did the best floor work I have seen from her in ages and she got up on the high beam and did lots of walking with help. Often she refuses to get on the high beam at all. She just seemed more energetic and daring than usual. Her teacher and I kept exchanging surprised glances. 

I got a new winter coat for Sarah and she loves it. There has been no further issue about wearing a coat.

I’ve started requiring Sarah to do one short bit of homework before she watches her afternoon tv show. This worked easily two days in a row. On the third day suddenly she would have none of it and was screaming and banging on the table. Amy and I sat with her until the storm passed and then we both helped her focus on the homework. Amy was amazing. She was so patient, kind, encouraging, and supportive. She is such an incredibly wonderful sister to Sarah. 

I will note that on the daily walk home from Amy’s school when Amy is probably tired and hungry, she is mad at Sarah no matter what Sarah is doing or not doing. Sarah is usually quite easy at these times, just walking and pushing the stroller that she always brings. 

Sarah has been having fun pretending to be dancing to music at a German restaurant that has a fake sky with a moon, as we experienced a couple of years ago at Disney World. With Carl’s help she put her starred winter coat up high, and Amy made a paper moon. Sarah then has us play her favorite Christmas album and she gallops around the room. For all of the tough moments, it is lovely when she is so stinkin’ cute, creative, and adorable. 

Love, stars, and moons to you. 

November 3

Sarah and I have had some really rough moments with each other. Really rough. As in, some of the worst ever. There were two dinners in a row where I served things she normally eats with no difficulty and yet this week she shoved them away with loud protest. I didn’t handle it calmly. Her class went on a field trip to a farm and they made chicken noodle soup. That coincided with my serving chicken soup with rice that evening, but apparently after having the noodles at the farm she no longer likes rice. The main troubles though were on Friday. She wouldn’t get dressed to walk Amy to school. Sarah didn’t have school. Since Carl was still at home, he stayed with Sarah, but with the understanding (or so we thought) that Sarah would get ready easily for  attending Amy’s Pumpkin Parade. Instead, there was protest about getting dressed for that. When clothing was achieved then she refused to wear a sweatshirt or coat of any sort. It was 36 degrees. Eventually she wrapped herself in a blanket and we did get to see the Pumpkin Parade. Then we had a slight hiccough in our expected plans and I needed to take Sarah to a neighbor and that neighbor would also get Amy from her half-day of school while I was at work. Except Sarah refused to leave the house. Because it was cold, but she refused to put on anything to combat the cold. She must have been a stubborn donkey in a past life. Perhaps I was too. We were both screaming at each other. Luckily my neighbors/friends were a pair that day so one of them came to be with Sarah while the other got Amy. I went to work, feeling like a hypocrite for the contrast of such panicky rage and then going to be loving and centered. I also took away Sarah’s ipod for the week.  It is residing in my office so I don’t weaken in my resolve. When I got home, Sarah and I had more rough moments and I called my mom in desperation. She helped me settle and helped Sarah settle. Things weren’t great, but they were at least calmer. Now, Sarah and I seem to be back to more of our usual mode of being together. I feel it in my bones, the way you can feel a change in the weather. She even wore a coat yesterday afternoon with no prompting from anyone. 

To back up… Amy was sick Wednesday night so had to stay home Thursday. She was feeling better and thus was quite mad at us for following the school rule of keeping her home. She was heartbroken to miss the Halloween party. Carl stayed home with her since I was teaching a class that I didn’t want to miss. That gave him time to work on his costume of a bus in a sinkhole. Amy painted a picture of him wearing his bus-sinkhole hat while he worked to make it out of cardboard. For those of you not from Pittsburgh or unaware of recent events, a bus had a sinkhole open under it at a stop downtown. No one was hurt and people have had a field day creating memes and ornaments and cupcakes and costumes about it. Carl’s picture even made in the newspaper. 

Amy was completely well for trick-or-treating and the weather cooperated despite a forecast of constant rain. Sarah had been planning on being a mermaid but decided at the last minute to be a witch, wearing a dress that I bought because it was so beautiful that I wished it came in my size. Amy was a leopard. I wore my skeleton dress and stayed home to hand out candy. Amy went around with her best friend and Sarah went around with Carl. Sarah evidently did a wonderful job of greeting each house with “Happy Halloween” and saying "thank you" for her bounty. They all stayed out for two hours! They brought back more candy than ever before and were so tired that they went straight to bed, opting to have me sort the goods. I had to remove any peanut items from Sarah’s stash and anything too chewy from Amy’s. Amy still has a palate expander so she can’t have anything that might pull it out of place. I think they will be set with candy for a year. Perhaps it was the excitement and resulting fatigue from Halloween that fed the struggle for Sarah on Friday. While some might blame sugar, my girls just had their usual after-dinner treat amount rather than anything extra due to the holiday.

Amy has decided to stop doing Girls On The Run. She loved it when it was just running with friends. She stopped loving it once they were pushed to do certain distances with no choice about how far they went. While I fully supported her in doing it and was happy when she loved it, I am also relieved to simplify our schedule in this way. Now our Mondays and Wednesdays will feel downright leisurely with only one after-school activity. This also means Sarah and I get more walks together, which is usually pleasant and is good exercise. 

October 27

Sarah has now changed her energy/mode at least two more times since that first tiny enormous miraculous moment. I think it helps me stay calmer to know there is a possibility of a quick shift. My staying calmer probably helps the quick shift. I can now reference the times when she has shifted successfully. We have also had massively tough moments sometimes (yesterday), just like usual. But still. The main thing is that sometimes the usual path has changed and that is so incredible.

Sarah has a new swim teacher as of a few weeks ago. She is amazing and is full of Sarah-Rise energy. She celebrates Sarah so fully and energetically, it helps me remember how I want to be more often. Amy’s swimming is getting ever more fluid and strong. When she breaths she isn’t gasping for several seconds. She is also excited when the timing works so she can watch when Sarah takes her turns in the water. 

Yesterday I had a plan of taking the girls to a place so we could all get flu shots. I didn’t think to call ahead because it has been fine the last two years. But yesterday they didn’t have the kids’ size. The place across the street couldn’t administer to 8 year olds. Our usual pediatrician only offers them when my girls are in school or have after-school things. Argh! This all felt way more frustrating than I thought it should so I reached my emotional limit and needed to cry in the car for a few minutes. When I told this to the girls, Sarah said, “ok, Mom.” That was so nice. They were just quiet. When Sarah started fake-laughing I realized that maybe she wasn’t making fun of me. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up. I told her she didn’t need to cheer me up, that just giving me silent space was helpful. So she gave me more silence. Then we went to Millie’s for ice cream. That had been the original plan, to console the girls after flu shots. Instead we used it for flu-shot failure. We all felt better afterwards. 

Sarah had a playdate with her friend J. I stayed instead of just dropping Sarah off because that made sense for our timing and J’s mom is a friend of mine. It was great hearing some of the kid interactions. Then there was a chunk of clothing fixation because Sarah found a pair of J’s capri pants that Sarah decided she needed in her size. I stayed calmer and more in my body than I sometimes do. It still floors me with amazement sometimes when I notice that Sarah has 2 friends that are kids. That may seem like a small number, but I used to wonder if the number would ever surpass 0, so 2 seems rather large, with infinite possibility.

Last night I hosted a Halloween-themed sleepover for two neighborhood friends, which went well overall, but had more hiccoughs than a usual playdate or sleepover (not on Sarah’s part though). Sarah eventually opted for her own bed, meaning that she got the best sleep of anyone in the house. How did my parents survive my having sleepovers?! They should be called awake-overs. Still, as with the fact that Sarah has peer friends, it amazes me and fills my heart that Sarah can be part of sleep-overs, even if she opts out of the sleep arrangements. When her friend D put on Minnie Mouse pajamas, Sarah zoomed upstairs to put on her own Minnie pajamas. Later, D was reading out loud and Sarah sat down to listen. 

May you have friends that help you remember infinite possibility.

October 20

We had a tiny enormous miracle this week, the sort where I remind myself that if it could happen once then it might happen a second time. The background... Sarah and I had some rough moments together on Wednesday. It started when she went to get dressed that morning, the first morning that pants (rather than shorts) were required for school. But there were no khaki pants in the drawer. I can’t for the life of me figure out where they could have gone, unless we somehow accidentally gave them away when we were getting rid of lots of things that no longer fit. Except these pants still fit. And I am prepared. I am not the person that this situation happens to! But, here we were. Sarah, who had been complaining that she wanted to wear shorts, suddenly switched to desperate screaming and crying because she wanted the khaki pants. The bus was due in about 15 minutes. I looked everywhere I could think of to no avail. Eventually we calmed enough and she wore her gym sweatpants, even though it wasn’t her gym day. She was ready for the bus, minus hair and teeth brushing. I tried to order more pants from Target, but they don’t have them in her size at this time of year. I ordered some from amazon, but she has yet to try them on. I went to a used clothing store and they had none in her size. Her teacher sent home the back-up pair from school. So we have one pair. Her extra gym sweatpants are now the backup school pants. This was our first rough moment.

The second rough time was when it was time to get Amy, and Sarah wanted to wear her fall coat but was struggling with the snaps and not accepting help but also not leaving and we needed to leave to get Amy. Timing isn’t ample on Wednesday between getting Amy from Girls on the Run and getting the girls home, fed, and dressed for gymnastics and then off to gymnastics. So I wasn’t at my most relaxed and neither was Sarah. But we made it. We even had some good follow-up discussion and snuggles. After gymnastics when the girls were getting ready for bed, Sarah was again having a hard time. She was trying to use my toothbrush and being rough with things in the bathroom and spitting and fake laughing. Carl and I were trying to get her to just brush her teeth and stop with the other things. We said the things we often say about pointing out the choices she was making and how all she needed to do to change things was put the toothpaste down gently. The miracle? She did! She totally, instantly changed her energy. She put the toothpaste back normally. She stopped spitting and laughing. She just brushed her teeth. We celebrated her hugely, saying how proud we were of her. Amy gave her a huge hug. Really, this was an enormous tiny moment.  

Amy didn’t have school on Monday or Tuesday. I didn’t see any clients and we had a great time hanging out together. It was the perfect way to ease back into being on this side of the Pond.

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are visiting this weekend. We are having a lovely time. The girls love to play pretend with Mom-Mom, though sometimes they disagree on what pretend scenario is occurring. Sarah wanted to play in the snow. Amy corrected her that they were going to play in a camper. I love how seriously they take their pretend scenes.. We all (except Sarah) wanted to go for a walk yesterday. Sarah likes signs that have a circle and  a line indicating that something isn’t allowed. Earlier in the day, Amy made a sign to say “No dancing penguins wearing pink diapers.” You should see Sarah’s dancing as she pretends to be a penguin in a pink diaper! It is hilariously fantastic. So, to encourage Sarah to go on a walk, Amy drew a picture of Sarah in her coat and pants, with a line over them to say “No Sarah dressed in warm clothing going outside.” It didn’t work, although Carl did eventually persuade her to go outside for a little while. 

Amy and Mom-Mom were snuggled on the sofa, each doing their own thing. Amy wrote a letter to Sarah, who was sitting a couple of feet away looking at a photo book. Amy’s letter read, “Dear Sarah, Would you please come and visit me? Mom-Mom is visiting and she won’t see you intill Chrismes, and that is soooo far away. So please will you come and see me? Answer here __________. Love, Amy.”

May your inner penguin wearing a pink diaper have a lovely time dancing today.

October 13

I am safely home after a wonderful time in England. My class was amazing and I learned so much. Then I spent a few days with my wonderful friend E. We went on a bus tour for a day to see Stonehenge and the Roman Baths at Bath (pronounced Baahth). The next day we walked around Notting Hill, found some great items of clothing at a vintage market (apparently 1970s means vintage - does that mean I am vintage?), and did a chocolate tasting/making experience. Travel home yesterday went smoothly and I have restocked my supply of snuggles. There’s nothing quite like having two children climbing and draping themselves on you and giving you chin presses for minutes on end. Sarah also repeatedly asked if I brought them presents. Sometimes I miss the mark with presents, but this time I hit it well. I got Amy a scarf that is pink and has white cats on it. Sarah received a white scarf with black musical notes on staffs with the treble clef. She loves it. She spreads it out on my bed and looks at it and talks about it. They also love the Jaffa Cakes with "the smashing orangey bit."

Yesterday the girls had taken their baths (baahths?) and done hair washing. Except Sarah’s hair didn’t get the shampoo fully rinsed out, so when we noticed this we had to fix the situation, much to Sarah’s loud chagrin. She tried to rinse it on her own at the sink but then she got shampoo in her eyes. We tried to help and managed to rinse out enough, but Sarah was screaming and crying. When she came down to dinner a bit later she told me she was sorry that she didn’t like showers! Oh, my dear girl! I told her she didn’t need to apologize for that and that it is totally ok that she doesn’t like showers. Still, it is nice that she realized it was a difficult time in part because she didn’t just get in the tub and use the shower to rinse her hair. I also had to assure Amy that we weren’t mad or disappointed in her because of Sarah’s shampoo situation, since it was Amy in charge of bath time, but then rinsing got tricky because of shampoo in the eyes at that moment too. 

I’m so grateful to have had my time away and I’m so glad to be back and to really feel that I’m an important part of things here. I mean, of course I am, but now I can feel it more comfortably rather than as a stressful load of too much (that may kick in in a few days). Of course everyone managed beautifully without me, but things are certainly easier when I’m here. Whenever I come back from being away I notice that Amy’s feelings are a little closer to the surface. She is more quick to cry. I think maybe she holds it all together a bit when I’m gone and then needs some days to let it out once I’m home. I soak it all up and it comes with extra snuggles. At least for a few hours yesterday and so far this morning, I’ve been able to still feel the spacious, flexible, grounded support within myself and my world that I felt increase during my class with all that I learned. The trick is to be able to write that and then still feel it after I send this update!

Also, how is it that when I’m gone for a week my children grow up by a year??

Lots of love to all of you.

October 6

I’m in England for more of my Alexander Technique continuing education. It is as amazing as ever and I have had some profound insights into my patterns of tension. The most humbling and helpful to recognize is my full-body engagement regarding planning/managing/scheduling/being on time, etc. I’m very good at all of that, but I would like to let go of my eye, jaw, shoulder, forearm, hip patterns (especially on my right side) that seem to think they are needed for me to be myself in that way. 

Before I left to come here I did my usual Wednesday all the way through taking the girls to gymnastics. So far it has been an easier experience with Sarah than it sometimes has been. This past Wednesday offered challenges but I felt like I navigated them smoothly. When Sarah got a bit frustrated and spit on the mat, I wiped it off and then we went to the bathroom so she could spit in the sink. I didn’t yell or get tight because I knew that would make it worse. I always know it will make it worse so the miracle was that I could actually remain calmer. I also kept reminding her that if she needed a break that was totally ok and just to use her words to tell me. Perhaps because this was our last time together for over a week, I was determined that we wouldn’t go down in the flames of a fight. 

Amy was very sad about my going and hugged me tightly and tearfully. Sarah hugged me but her tears were clearly just copying those of Amy rather than her real feelings. 

Overall I have been appreciating how loved and supported I am in so many ways, here with my England group and with so many people from my life overall. I can imagine the voices of so many people stepping in to help me let go of my tension or to stop criticizing myself. When I was noticing my tension pattern around how I live so much of my organized life, I could hear my mom’s voice pointing out that it wasn’t remarkable that I had the tension pattern. What was remarkable was to notice it and step out of it for even a moment. 

The Tuesday before I left, Sarah and I were having an altercation because I happened to go upstairs during her time with Sc. Sarah was in the bathroom and preparing to dip her toothbrush in the soap dish to make a smoothie. If I hadn’t arrived then she probably wouldn’t have proceeded but with me telling her not to then, of course, she was determined. As my tension escalated, Sc offered to take over. What a wonderful moment. I just dropped my tension and went back to what I had been doing. So as I note my tension pattern now and how it can activate just with my imagination, I can also channel Sc, imagining her offering to take over and then I can let go of my tension. 

When I get anxious thinking about some aspects of travel, I just imagine Carl and how he so calmly figures out what we need to do and where we need to go. 

I feel so grateful to be so loved and supported by so many people. When I start criticizing myself with a fine tooth comb, I’ve been reminding myself that somehow all of these people love me anyway and perhaps I could trust them. Perhaps they know better than I about some matters. 

Thank you to all of you who contribute to the kind voices in my head and the loving support of my world. It really helps. I hope that my voice can be a kind presence in your head if you need it. 

Thank you to those making my time away possible. It is an immense gift to be here. 

September 29

Remember when I mentioned that Sarah wasn’t feeling well?… She was hit hard last Sunday and barely got out of bed. I took her to the doctor on Monday when she said her ear hurt. She had strep throat and an ear infection. So on Tuesday I took Amy to get checked, even though she only had a mild sore throat. Strep and an ear infection. I had a sore throat too. Strep again. I didn’t realize that a person could have strep and not be taken down like Sarah was. If we didn’t have her diagnosis I wouldn’t have thought to take Amy to the doctor and I certainly wouldn’t have gotten myself checked as early as I did. We are all on antibiotics and are all in good shape now.

Last weekend, I discovered that Amy had helped Sarah with her homework in the way that Sarah’s teachers said someone could help. One page of homework is to write a story and draw a picture. An adult (or sister!) can write the sentence or story first for Sarah to copy. Amy’s handwriting was so neat that I assumed it had been a sitter who wrote it, but Amy’s writing is certainly neater than mine so I don’t know why I equate neatness with adults. The sentence was “I played school with Amy,” written by both girls and then Sarah drew two large smiley faces with hair on the sides of their heads. Amy is such an amazing sister to Sarah. She is so creative as she encourages Sarah to take a bath or brush her teeth or go downstairs. Amy instantly creates a playful scenario or references a show that Sarah likes. I sometimes think to do such things, but Amy does it as a matter of course. If I had a magic wand and could create the perfect sibling for Sarah, I would create Amy. 

Amy really loves Girls On The Run. On Mondays that means tight timing to get to swimming, but we made it! 15 minutes after I picked her up from GOTR, she was in the pool. It helps that at her usual pool I can pull up in front and let her (or both girls) run in while I deal with parking. 

Sarah is not a hand-holder unless she absolutely has to, but she has started holding an arm. I love the feeling of her holding my arm as we walk!!

Yesterday we went through all of the girls’ clothing and filled bags with outgrown items to donate. Then we went to Once Upon a Child to replenish supplies. Sarah needed leggings and long-sleeved shirts and we found many perfect Sarah-ish things. Amy didn’t need much and she handled the discrepancy in the number of new things quite well. Neither child needed pajamas, but Sarah passionately desires new pajamas at all times. She found fleece Minnie pajamas, wearing them as soon as we got home, despite the 80 degree heat. Amy got a pair with cats even though it is almost too small at size 10 (normally she is size 8). Note to all people buying clothes for kids: Carters runs small.

Thank you for the ideas and support last week when things were feeling extra frustrating. This week was better. We had fewer difficult moments and I stayed calmer for those that did happen. While I often tell Sarah she might lose her ipod time if she persists with something, this week there was a time when I did actually take away her future turn. She seemed calmly stunned for a moment. Then she was upset, but not any more so than other times. It turned out to be a moot point because the bus came so early the next day that she wouldn’t have had a turn anyway, but I still think I got the point across a little bit that you can’t spit on the floor in the house.

September 22

While some things like school mornings and bedtimes have mostly become easy, there are still moments where Sarah and I struggle with each other. While I know in theory that what kids do is push buttons and challenge parents, it mystifies me when Sarah so often chooses to make a moment difficult when she could make it easy. When I am cooking sometimes, she will come into the kitchen asking to help, but not waiting for my answer about how she might actually help. Instead she starts touching lots of things, such as pots on the stove (so far she does this safely or when they aren’t actually hot, but they could be hot for all she knows). Or she starts knocking her fist against my spoon-rest that is a piece of pottery I made. Or she opens the cabinet and lightly taps her fist on the glasses proclaiming in a sing-song voice that she will break them. I can tell her calmly and in a normal voice that I want her to stop or do something different and why. I can do this many times to no avail, as she incrementally escalates what she is doing or just continues and ignores my words, possibly laughing a fake laugh as she does so. This then escalates to me speaking more forcefully or suggesting that certain things that I know she will want later might not happen if she doesn’t do what I’m asking. Eventually this leads to me needing to physically stop her from doing something that might break something or hurt her (that is my panic anyway) and then she is screaming/crying/spitting and I am yelling at her to stop. Around and around we go. This week I decided one helpful step might be to physically take away whatever thing she has that I don’t want her to have, doing so calmly before things escalate. This works for some things like the spoon-rest, but it doesn’t work for glasses in the cabinet. The spitting is so frustrating. She spits on the floor. Or yesterday she did so over a porch railing at a party as people were walking by. As this feels so frustrating and unchangeable, I am reminding myself that school mornings and bedtimes used to be intensely difficult and then somehow they evolved to being easy. Maybe this other struggle will just evolve too. She often will apologize later and it sounds sincere and she says she won’t do whatever it was again. That is perhaps a little progress. That seems to be when Dr. Sarah Jekyll has returned and Mr. Sarah Hyde has retreated. I know I’ve written of this before and my weariness of it all is the same as ever. It is in these times when I can feel sorry for myself and compare to what my life might have been like if… Because I do not have these struggles with Amy at all. Not that things are completely harmonious at all times, but mostly they are easy. 

The challenge with Amy is if she is sick, as she was on Wednesday, and I have to fight her to make her stay home. I love how much she loves school. She did know she needed to be home, but she was so sad for much of the day, especially once we realized it was our half birthday. Not that we normally celebrate anyone’s half birthday, but still. Then she had to miss gymnastics but Sarah got to go.  Amy felt this was supremely unfair.

Schedules this past week felt challenging because Carl was out of town, swimming was at a new location that was farther away, it was Amy’s first Girls On The Run so timing to swimming left no time to spare, I was working every evening, and then having one kid who can go to gymnastics and one who can’t and neither parent available… ack! Thank goodness for sitters and family. Even when I wasn’t the one actually driving kids to their things or feeding them directly, I still was managing the whole situation and felt a bit anxious about the whole thing. 

I was a bit under the weather myself so spent what time I could sleeping. That helped me get better quickly, but it didn’t help the order and cleanliness of the house. That tends to be fine, fine, fine, until it is absolutely NOT! And then I can’t stand the mess and I am mad at my family members for the mess that they make and I resent every stray dish, tissue, and sock. So that was my main mode for a lot of yesterday. On the plus side, I also got the girls new snow pants, fall and winter coats, hat, and gloves. All that is left is to get boots. They were so excited about their new gear that they wore some of it despite the fact that it was in the 80s.

Now I’m concerned that Sarah might not be feeling the best. So then I’m starting to wonder if my tomorrow can happen as planned. Any healthy vibes are most welcome.

September 15

Carl and I had an amazing time with the rest of our trip in Italy. We walked all over Florence. Our Airbnb was an extraordinary 4th floor room with a view out of the windows that were in each of the four walls. From our bed we could see the Duomo. In the mornings we were awakened by the sunlight streaming in and the church bells ringing. One night we climbed to the top of the Duomo and watched the sunset. I do wish the fencing around the top was higher, but I again managed the whole thing more easily than I expected. We walked through what is left of Dante’s house. It changed so much over the years that they don’t really know what it would have looked like when he was there, but they use the rooms as a museum about his life and times. They had pocket copies of his Divine Comedy that were smaller than my hand by far. I wish I could have seen the size of the text within, but they were closed and behind glass. We saw the outside of the church where Dante saw Beatrice. We went to the Galileo museum and saw his telescopes and other mathematical/scientific instruments that he made. They even have a piece of his finger. We saw paintings by Botticelli, Da Vinci, and Michelangelo. We saw Michelangelo’s David. We ate lots of food. And gelato. So much gelato. Gelato makes a perfect lunch when you want to keep walking. The flight home went smoothly and I felt much less jet lag than I sometimes have with travel. 

The girls were in bed when we got home, but since it wasn’t much past their bedtime we soon heard the patter of small feet and then received wonderfully big hugs. They had a great time with Grandma and Grandpa and their sitters. Thank you again to all who made our trip possible!!!!

Overall everything about re-entry into normal life has gone more smoothly than usual. Perhaps this is because I had my sad/panicky time about it on our last night in Italy. I do like to do things ahead of time. The main struggle with being home is the same as it always is. So much of the time with Sarah is easy, but the small moments that aren’t can overshadow the rest in my estimation of how our existence with each other is. The troublesome moments are usually when I say no about something. I can say it calmly and easily and with redirection rather than a plain “no.” I can do this for many minutes to no avail. Then I get more frustrated and everything escalates. Or sometimes her response is immediately large with snatching, banging, screaming, spitting. I don’t handle that with much aplomb. When I make food and she refuses to try it or vehemently refuses to eat a vegetable that is usually a staple favorite, then I feel defensive and angry and that doesn’t go over well either. As usual, I am grateful to Carl for his calm, his creativity, his space for all of us. I hear Amy echoing both of us at various times when she speaks to Sarah. I am weary of the struggle and I’m trying to keep it in perspective that the struggly moments probably only take up 5 or 10 minutes of a day. They just feel bigger. 

Yesterday Sarah had a playdate with her friend from camp and it went well. 

Tomorrow Amy starts Girls on the Run (GOTR). This means her schedule after school will be super packed on some days. Monday she will have GOTR right after school. Immediately following pickup we will zoom to swimming and hope to be on time. Wednesday she will have GOTR and then have a short time at home before leaving for gymnastics. Tuesdays evenings we always have Sc for SR time, a highlight of the week for all. Starting soon, Amy will have girl scouts on some Tuesdays which cuts her time with Sc. Fingers crossed that this will be fun enough that she won’t be overloaded and that I won’t be too stressed.

We have realized we are in new bedtime territory. At least half of the time we just tell the girls it is time to get ready for bed and that is all we do. They do everything and sometimes we don’t even get summoned for kisses or tuck-ins. 

September 8

Sarah’s teacher told me that Sarah enjoyed reading a story she wrote to her Resource Room class. The story was two sentences about camping. Sarah also continued with her mornings going well in terms of getting ready for school. 

Amy loves her walk/run to school and dismisses me ever earlier in our walk. 

Sarah has started hugging me more and making “mmm” noises with it. She gives multiple hugs at a time with an mmm each time. I think she began by copying my, “mmmm, I love you” that I say sometimes when I hug her. 

Thanks (!!!!!!!) to Grandma and Grandpa and  some of our sitters taking care of everything at home, Carl and I are in Italy at the moment. We enjoyed a couple of days in Bologna, eating the most delicious food. We attended a wedding on a hillside, with a beautiful view and amazing food and fun dancing. Now we are heading to Florence for a couple of days. 

Bologna has porticos lining many of their sidewalks. All cities should do this. It is amazing and beautiful. They keep you cool and shaded or warm and dry depending on the weather. 

We have seen Europe’s oldest university, and Mozart’s written entrance exam to the music school from when he was 14. 

Bologna used to have hundreds of tall towers. Now there are only a few. We climbed one of them. I am scared of heights and don’t like feeling trapped so this was a feat of courage. The stairs were steep and narrow and everyone goes all the way up and then can turn to go down. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, in part because of the metal caging at the top so I couldn’t have my usual fears that I might suddenly fling myself into the air. 

I wore comfortable shoes for the wedding. I can’t remember the last time I attended a fancy event and didn’t have my feet happy to come out of my shoes at the end. But I was truly comfortable all night!!!! This points out how ridiculous women’s shoes often are, even when I think I have heels that are comfortable for heels. This time I wore flats that had enough toe room!! 

Gelato. The most amazingly delicious. The best I’ve ever had. Mmmmm. I love you. 

I wish for you love and mmm, amazing food, and comfy shoes. And courage to climb whatever towers you wish. 

September 1

Camping adventures and misadventures...

On the turnpike driving to the campground, we heard a loud sound and saw some things from our roof box landing on the road that was rapidly disappearing from view behind us. Luckily we were able to pull over safely, but we were concerned about our lost pillows and sleeping bags causing trouble for other drivers. We called the turnpike people. They sent someone to find and return what they could. Sarah’s pillow and sleeping bag were retrieved. Sadly, we lost two other pillows and Amy’s beloved pink sleeping bag. It is a mystery to us of where they would be, unless the roof box opened prior to the loud sound, thus shedding items before we knew it. We will keep our eyes open on our drive home, but our expectations are low. We grabbed some extra pillows and a comforter from our mountain house and continued to the campground, much later than planned. It seems that when I locked the roof box, it hadn’t been latched properly, so I spent some time feeling bad about ruining things. But overall, things still went well and Amy is resilient, as am I. We set up camp in the dark and ate a cold dinner because the wood was too damp to make much of a fire (don’t worry, we still had s’mores). 

Saturday we had a wonderful day, despite signage that was unhelpful. Note to campground people: don’t have a path with a sign on each end pointing in and saying “amphitheater” if said amphitheater is actually at one end and not in the middle. Still, once we found the bake sale there, the donuts made up for any trouble. We then had a relaxed time at the beach and a relaxed dinner with a campfire. This morning we broke camp rapidly because it was raining and we didn’t know if it would last all day. Coming and going, we now know it is possible to have way more in our car than we previously imagined. Carl as the driver was the only person without piles of things under his legs and on his lap. 

Other camping misadventures involved Sarah going to the bathroom by herself and accidentally going to the wrong campsite, luckily calling for us so we could find her. She also accidentally went to the men’s room on a different occasion. Given that in so many instances she uses bathrooms independently with no problem, this was a good check-in for us that maybe she isn’t quite as adept at some skills as we thought. When she went to the wrong campsite it was because she followed a woman out of the bathroom and when the woman realized she had a companion she asked Sarah what color car her family had. She asked if it was red. When Sarah said yes the woman left her at the site where I found her. But our car is blue. If the woman had asked what site she was in, Sarah might have answered more clearly because she knew we were in 204. Although I also would have said she knew the color of our car. Also, note to self, if I have a kid trailing me, I will make sure I get them to the right grown-up before leaving them. As Ma Ingalls would say, alls well that ends well. To give added context, our site was just across the road and up a few feet from the bathroom, so all of this happened in a smallish space. 

Now, to back up... Sarah’s first week of fifth grade went well, as far as I could tell. When I ask how her day was she always says “good.” I didn’t hear anything from her teacher. Each morning went easily with her getting ready for the bus. It felt much more like slipping into a familiar routine than other school-year starts have. Meanwhile, Amy has started to dismiss me earlier and earlier in our walk to her school. 

When G came to play with Sarah on Friday, Sarah promptly became the teacher, sitting on a stool and asking student G to name an animal that lives in the water. That moment seemed amazing. 

Lots of love to you all. May you find your place even if you go the wrong way at first.

August 25

We enjoyed our last two days of summer vacation with the help of our sitter A. I planned a day on Monday around the idea of parking once and walking to all of our activities. As it turned out, the parking time was limited and then due to traffic patterns, we ended up doing a short driving circuit 3 times. We went to a playground, Phipps (good food, but then too hot in the play shopping cart area so we all wilted), ice cream at Coldstone Creamery (for the first time since Sarah was maybe 5), and then a city pool. On Tuesday we went to the pool again. Amy is a veritable mermaid. Sarah did lots of excellent practice pushing off from the wall into floating and sometimes adding her backstroke. Then she would do what her swim school calls “shark arms” back to the wall. 

Tuesday evening we had Sc. back for SR time for the first time in several weeks. The girls were so excited that they started planning a surprise party, including pajamas of course! Amy spent at least an hour or more preparing the room and the sign directing Sc to the room. 

Amy’s first days of school went well. I felt teary dropping her off on Wednesday morning. I hadn’t felt that emotional and slightly nervous on her behalf since dropping her off for kindergarten. She has a couple of friends who sit at her table and she shares a locker with one of them. Some of her very best friends aren’t in her classroom, but she does get to see them at lunch and recess. She is already getting used to her new teachers and routines. There is something that feels extra special about Amy being in third grade, since my dad taught third grade for 37 years! Sarah skipped third grade because of our need to hop her forward so she won’t age out of school before finishing high school. So this is our only of having a third grader.

Sarah really really really didn’t want to walk Amy to school. Fortunately, she only had two days of doing so. So far, knock-on-asphalt-and-dirt-paths, afternoon pickups have gone more easily. It is a much farther walk for us than we had the past 3 years. Instead of ten minutes at Sarah-speed, it is more like 20 minutes each way. This is good exercise for all of us.

Sarah starts school tomorrow so we have been moving our wake-up time earlier and earlier. Yesterday you may have heard her screams of protest when I gently tried to rouse her. This morning, in stark contrast, she was up at 4:30, snuggling in bed with us, and then at 5:30 she barged back into her shared room with Amy, turned on the light and started loudly saying, “wake up! It’s Christmas!” I’m hoping that tomorrow is similar in terms of her level of energy.

I’ve been taking a John Barnes’ Myofascial Release class the past couple of days. It has been so many years since I last took one of these classes! I think it was long before having kids. I have learned so much and it has also been helping with some chronic hip pain that I’ve been having. For demonstrating one of the treatments, the instructor basically described the symptoms I’ve had. When she asked for a volunteer you can bet I was zooming to the front. I think I still need lots of work to undo years of trouble, but I feel hopeful. All of the work has been around the pelvis and hips, and yet, due to the nature of bodies and this work, the right side of my jaw is also feeling looser, though no one has worked there directly. I often get my hopes up with new possibilities of maybe helping my headache situation (currently controlled by meds) and so my hopes are up again about this because all of the hip/pelvis work feels so directly connected to my head.