September 29

Remember when I mentioned that Sarah wasn’t feeling well?… She was hit hard last Sunday and barely got out of bed. I took her to the doctor on Monday when she said her ear hurt. She had strep throat and an ear infection. So on Tuesday I took Amy to get checked, even though she only had a mild sore throat. Strep and an ear infection. I had a sore throat too. Strep again. I didn’t realize that a person could have strep and not be taken down like Sarah was. If we didn’t have her diagnosis I wouldn’t have thought to take Amy to the doctor and I certainly wouldn’t have gotten myself checked as early as I did. We are all on antibiotics and are all in good shape now.

Last weekend, I discovered that Amy had helped Sarah with her homework in the way that Sarah’s teachers said someone could help. One page of homework is to write a story and draw a picture. An adult (or sister!) can write the sentence or story first for Sarah to copy. Amy’s handwriting was so neat that I assumed it had been a sitter who wrote it, but Amy’s writing is certainly neater than mine so I don’t know why I equate neatness with adults. The sentence was “I played school with Amy,” written by both girls and then Sarah drew two large smiley faces with hair on the sides of their heads. Amy is such an amazing sister to Sarah. She is so creative as she encourages Sarah to take a bath or brush her teeth or go downstairs. Amy instantly creates a playful scenario or references a show that Sarah likes. I sometimes think to do such things, but Amy does it as a matter of course. If I had a magic wand and could create the perfect sibling for Sarah, I would create Amy. 

Amy really loves Girls On The Run. On Mondays that means tight timing to get to swimming, but we made it! 15 minutes after I picked her up from GOTR, she was in the pool. It helps that at her usual pool I can pull up in front and let her (or both girls) run in while I deal with parking. 

Sarah is not a hand-holder unless she absolutely has to, but she has started holding an arm. I love the feeling of her holding my arm as we walk!!

Yesterday we went through all of the girls’ clothing and filled bags with outgrown items to donate. Then we went to Once Upon a Child to replenish supplies. Sarah needed leggings and long-sleeved shirts and we found many perfect Sarah-ish things. Amy didn’t need much and she handled the discrepancy in the number of new things quite well. Neither child needed pajamas, but Sarah passionately desires new pajamas at all times. She found fleece Minnie pajamas, wearing them as soon as we got home, despite the 80 degree heat. Amy got a pair with cats even though it is almost too small at size 10 (normally she is size 8). Note to all people buying clothes for kids: Carters runs small.

Thank you for the ideas and support last week when things were feeling extra frustrating. This week was better. We had fewer difficult moments and I stayed calmer for those that did happen. While I often tell Sarah she might lose her ipod time if she persists with something, this week there was a time when I did actually take away her future turn. She seemed calmly stunned for a moment. Then she was upset, but not any more so than other times. It turned out to be a moot point because the bus came so early the next day that she wouldn’t have had a turn anyway, but I still think I got the point across a little bit that you can’t spit on the floor in the house.

September 22

While some things like school mornings and bedtimes have mostly become easy, there are still moments where Sarah and I struggle with each other. While I know in theory that what kids do is push buttons and challenge parents, it mystifies me when Sarah so often chooses to make a moment difficult when she could make it easy. When I am cooking sometimes, she will come into the kitchen asking to help, but not waiting for my answer about how she might actually help. Instead she starts touching lots of things, such as pots on the stove (so far she does this safely or when they aren’t actually hot, but they could be hot for all she knows). Or she starts knocking her fist against my spoon-rest that is a piece of pottery I made. Or she opens the cabinet and lightly taps her fist on the glasses proclaiming in a sing-song voice that she will break them. I can tell her calmly and in a normal voice that I want her to stop or do something different and why. I can do this many times to no avail, as she incrementally escalates what she is doing or just continues and ignores my words, possibly laughing a fake laugh as she does so. This then escalates to me speaking more forcefully or suggesting that certain things that I know she will want later might not happen if she doesn’t do what I’m asking. Eventually this leads to me needing to physically stop her from doing something that might break something or hurt her (that is my panic anyway) and then she is screaming/crying/spitting and I am yelling at her to stop. Around and around we go. This week I decided one helpful step might be to physically take away whatever thing she has that I don’t want her to have, doing so calmly before things escalate. This works for some things like the spoon-rest, but it doesn’t work for glasses in the cabinet. The spitting is so frustrating. She spits on the floor. Or yesterday she did so over a porch railing at a party as people were walking by. As this feels so frustrating and unchangeable, I am reminding myself that school mornings and bedtimes used to be intensely difficult and then somehow they evolved to being easy. Maybe this other struggle will just evolve too. She often will apologize later and it sounds sincere and she says she won’t do whatever it was again. That is perhaps a little progress. That seems to be when Dr. Sarah Jekyll has returned and Mr. Sarah Hyde has retreated. I know I’ve written of this before and my weariness of it all is the same as ever. It is in these times when I can feel sorry for myself and compare to what my life might have been like if… Because I do not have these struggles with Amy at all. Not that things are completely harmonious at all times, but mostly they are easy. 

The challenge with Amy is if she is sick, as she was on Wednesday, and I have to fight her to make her stay home. I love how much she loves school. She did know she needed to be home, but she was so sad for much of the day, especially once we realized it was our half birthday. Not that we normally celebrate anyone’s half birthday, but still. Then she had to miss gymnastics but Sarah got to go.  Amy felt this was supremely unfair.

Schedules this past week felt challenging because Carl was out of town, swimming was at a new location that was farther away, it was Amy’s first Girls On The Run so timing to swimming left no time to spare, I was working every evening, and then having one kid who can go to gymnastics and one who can’t and neither parent available… ack! Thank goodness for sitters and family. Even when I wasn’t the one actually driving kids to their things or feeding them directly, I still was managing the whole situation and felt a bit anxious about the whole thing. 

I was a bit under the weather myself so spent what time I could sleeping. That helped me get better quickly, but it didn’t help the order and cleanliness of the house. That tends to be fine, fine, fine, until it is absolutely NOT! And then I can’t stand the mess and I am mad at my family members for the mess that they make and I resent every stray dish, tissue, and sock. So that was my main mode for a lot of yesterday. On the plus side, I also got the girls new snow pants, fall and winter coats, hat, and gloves. All that is left is to get boots. They were so excited about their new gear that they wore some of it despite the fact that it was in the 80s.

Now I’m concerned that Sarah might not be feeling the best. So then I’m starting to wonder if my tomorrow can happen as planned. Any healthy vibes are most welcome.

September 15

Carl and I had an amazing time with the rest of our trip in Italy. We walked all over Florence. Our Airbnb was an extraordinary 4th floor room with a view out of the windows that were in each of the four walls. From our bed we could see the Duomo. In the mornings we were awakened by the sunlight streaming in and the church bells ringing. One night we climbed to the top of the Duomo and watched the sunset. I do wish the fencing around the top was higher, but I again managed the whole thing more easily than I expected. We walked through what is left of Dante’s house. It changed so much over the years that they don’t really know what it would have looked like when he was there, but they use the rooms as a museum about his life and times. They had pocket copies of his Divine Comedy that were smaller than my hand by far. I wish I could have seen the size of the text within, but they were closed and behind glass. We saw the outside of the church where Dante saw Beatrice. We went to the Galileo museum and saw his telescopes and other mathematical/scientific instruments that he made. They even have a piece of his finger. We saw paintings by Botticelli, Da Vinci, and Michelangelo. We saw Michelangelo’s David. We ate lots of food. And gelato. So much gelato. Gelato makes a perfect lunch when you want to keep walking. The flight home went smoothly and I felt much less jet lag than I sometimes have with travel. 

The girls were in bed when we got home, but since it wasn’t much past their bedtime we soon heard the patter of small feet and then received wonderfully big hugs. They had a great time with Grandma and Grandpa and their sitters. Thank you again to all who made our trip possible!!!!

Overall everything about re-entry into normal life has gone more smoothly than usual. Perhaps this is because I had my sad/panicky time about it on our last night in Italy. I do like to do things ahead of time. The main struggle with being home is the same as it always is. So much of the time with Sarah is easy, but the small moments that aren’t can overshadow the rest in my estimation of how our existence with each other is. The troublesome moments are usually when I say no about something. I can say it calmly and easily and with redirection rather than a plain “no.” I can do this for many minutes to no avail. Then I get more frustrated and everything escalates. Or sometimes her response is immediately large with snatching, banging, screaming, spitting. I don’t handle that with much aplomb. When I make food and she refuses to try it or vehemently refuses to eat a vegetable that is usually a staple favorite, then I feel defensive and angry and that doesn’t go over well either. As usual, I am grateful to Carl for his calm, his creativity, his space for all of us. I hear Amy echoing both of us at various times when she speaks to Sarah. I am weary of the struggle and I’m trying to keep it in perspective that the struggly moments probably only take up 5 or 10 minutes of a day. They just feel bigger. 

Yesterday Sarah had a playdate with her friend from camp and it went well. 

Tomorrow Amy starts Girls on the Run (GOTR). This means her schedule after school will be super packed on some days. Monday she will have GOTR right after school. Immediately following pickup we will zoom to swimming and hope to be on time. Wednesday she will have GOTR and then have a short time at home before leaving for gymnastics. Tuesdays evenings we always have Sc for SR time, a highlight of the week for all. Starting soon, Amy will have girl scouts on some Tuesdays which cuts her time with Sc. Fingers crossed that this will be fun enough that she won’t be overloaded and that I won’t be too stressed.

We have realized we are in new bedtime territory. At least half of the time we just tell the girls it is time to get ready for bed and that is all we do. They do everything and sometimes we don’t even get summoned for kisses or tuck-ins. 

September 8

Sarah’s teacher told me that Sarah enjoyed reading a story she wrote to her Resource Room class. The story was two sentences about camping. Sarah also continued with her mornings going well in terms of getting ready for school. 

Amy loves her walk/run to school and dismisses me ever earlier in our walk. 

Sarah has started hugging me more and making “mmm” noises with it. She gives multiple hugs at a time with an mmm each time. I think she began by copying my, “mmmm, I love you” that I say sometimes when I hug her. 

Thanks (!!!!!!!) to Grandma and Grandpa and  some of our sitters taking care of everything at home, Carl and I are in Italy at the moment. We enjoyed a couple of days in Bologna, eating the most delicious food. We attended a wedding on a hillside, with a beautiful view and amazing food and fun dancing. Now we are heading to Florence for a couple of days. 

Bologna has porticos lining many of their sidewalks. All cities should do this. It is amazing and beautiful. They keep you cool and shaded or warm and dry depending on the weather. 

We have seen Europe’s oldest university, and Mozart’s written entrance exam to the music school from when he was 14. 

Bologna used to have hundreds of tall towers. Now there are only a few. We climbed one of them. I am scared of heights and don’t like feeling trapped so this was a feat of courage. The stairs were steep and narrow and everyone goes all the way up and then can turn to go down. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be, in part because of the metal caging at the top so I couldn’t have my usual fears that I might suddenly fling myself into the air. 

I wore comfortable shoes for the wedding. I can’t remember the last time I attended a fancy event and didn’t have my feet happy to come out of my shoes at the end. But I was truly comfortable all night!!!! This points out how ridiculous women’s shoes often are, even when I think I have heels that are comfortable for heels. This time I wore flats that had enough toe room!! 

Gelato. The most amazingly delicious. The best I’ve ever had. Mmmmm. I love you. 

I wish for you love and mmm, amazing food, and comfy shoes. And courage to climb whatever towers you wish. 

September 1

Camping adventures and misadventures...

On the turnpike driving to the campground, we heard a loud sound and saw some things from our roof box landing on the road that was rapidly disappearing from view behind us. Luckily we were able to pull over safely, but we were concerned about our lost pillows and sleeping bags causing trouble for other drivers. We called the turnpike people. They sent someone to find and return what they could. Sarah’s pillow and sleeping bag were retrieved. Sadly, we lost two other pillows and Amy’s beloved pink sleeping bag. It is a mystery to us of where they would be, unless the roof box opened prior to the loud sound, thus shedding items before we knew it. We will keep our eyes open on our drive home, but our expectations are low. We grabbed some extra pillows and a comforter from our mountain house and continued to the campground, much later than planned. It seems that when I locked the roof box, it hadn’t been latched properly, so I spent some time feeling bad about ruining things. But overall, things still went well and Amy is resilient, as am I. We set up camp in the dark and ate a cold dinner because the wood was too damp to make much of a fire (don’t worry, we still had s’mores). 

Saturday we had a wonderful day, despite signage that was unhelpful. Note to campground people: don’t have a path with a sign on each end pointing in and saying “amphitheater” if said amphitheater is actually at one end and not in the middle. Still, once we found the bake sale there, the donuts made up for any trouble. We then had a relaxed time at the beach and a relaxed dinner with a campfire. This morning we broke camp rapidly because it was raining and we didn’t know if it would last all day. Coming and going, we now know it is possible to have way more in our car than we previously imagined. Carl as the driver was the only person without piles of things under his legs and on his lap. 

Other camping misadventures involved Sarah going to the bathroom by herself and accidentally going to the wrong campsite, luckily calling for us so we could find her. She also accidentally went to the men’s room on a different occasion. Given that in so many instances she uses bathrooms independently with no problem, this was a good check-in for us that maybe she isn’t quite as adept at some skills as we thought. When she went to the wrong campsite it was because she followed a woman out of the bathroom and when the woman realized she had a companion she asked Sarah what color car her family had. She asked if it was red. When Sarah said yes the woman left her at the site where I found her. But our car is blue. If the woman had asked what site she was in, Sarah might have answered more clearly because she knew we were in 204. Although I also would have said she knew the color of our car. Also, note to self, if I have a kid trailing me, I will make sure I get them to the right grown-up before leaving them. As Ma Ingalls would say, alls well that ends well. To give added context, our site was just across the road and up a few feet from the bathroom, so all of this happened in a smallish space. 

Now, to back up... Sarah’s first week of fifth grade went well, as far as I could tell. When I ask how her day was she always says “good.” I didn’t hear anything from her teacher. Each morning went easily with her getting ready for the bus. It felt much more like slipping into a familiar routine than other school-year starts have. Meanwhile, Amy has started to dismiss me earlier and earlier in our walk to her school. 

When G came to play with Sarah on Friday, Sarah promptly became the teacher, sitting on a stool and asking student G to name an animal that lives in the water. That moment seemed amazing. 

Lots of love to you all. May you find your place even if you go the wrong way at first.