July 30

Sometimes people ask me the ages of my children. This is a very common thing for people to ask parents. Sometimes it is when I am with my kids. This week after one such moment I was wondering to myself what I would ever say if someone asked, “what is wrong with her?” regarding Sarah, while in her presence (they never have). I realized that I would answer that absolutely nothing is wrong with her. She has some things about her that are different and needs some help and more time to learn some things but not a single thing is wrong. What I loved most about this moment in my head was that it suddenly was the absolute truth. Probably for the first time ever. The absolute truth with no room for wiggling. And if that is true, well, then my friends, perhaps there is nothing wrong with me either. Or with you. Or any of us. Well, I’m not evolved enough to quite see that with absolutely everyone, but I’ll take what I’ve got for the moment. :)

On Wednesday afternoon, Sarah and I played three full games of Pengaloo (an easy matching game involving dice, penguins, and eggs) super easily. Then she wanted to stop playing the game and just play with the penguins. I took a short constructive rest nap next to her. She played with penguins and then went to her room and took a nap. It was so clear that after the challenge of playing three full games she needed an ism break. 

Wednesday evening Sarah had a massage with J. that was more similar to the first few, where she sat up often and talked with me most of the time. After some deep work in her abdomen and low back area she started talking with me about when she accidentally had a big dunk at the pool at my office (the rope she was using for support moved unexpectedly). It quickly became clear this was a verbal ism with no room for other topics, but room for me to respond with varied comments as long as they were about the pool and her big dunk. My guess is that this was triggered by the massage work and that her dunking experience was scary. On Tuesday I had my session with J. and he worked on the same areas on me that he then worked with on Sarah. I experienced my intense fears about the girls and school and then as my muscles let go so did my fears. It was amazing. It felt as if it was my muscles rather than my brain that changed my thoughts. I wonder if Sarah stores some of her fears in the same place as I do and if that is why she started talking about her scary experience when she did.

Tonight Sarah got a ride up to bed on Carl’s back. She started waving to objects that she passed and telling them goodnight. I love her spunky smiley creative self that delights in doing such new things, that delights in connecting with us and making us laugh. I love the delighted look she has in her eyes when she pretends the cats on her pajama pants are sad. I love that she can now tell us what book or tv show she is referencing. I love that she quickly copies games that Amy creates and that Amy also seeks to copy some of Sarah’s moves. 

Today my girls were the only students in ballet for the first half of class. Notably, Sarah stayed sitting with Amy and the teacher and participating the whole time until she needed to pee and that plus another student showing up seemed to change the dynamic. Maybe she had worked her participating muscles to exhaustion and just needed to go play with the curtain for a bit. The biggest progression compared to last year is that I am relaxed about all of this. 

Here is G.’s note from a week ago (I especially love the last line!): "In the Sarah Rise room, we bring authenticity and create as natural an environment as possible.  However, it still remains a therapeutic space.  Does that make sense?  In many ways, I see the same things happen with just my presence and certain children.  That is, once a relationship is established, just my face can help generate a change in a therapeutic direction. Anyway, in the room, I love seeing Sarah and Amy move through their typical sister stuff…the button pushing and button exposing and drama.  However, in the room, we’ve shifted.  Amy may snatch a thing, or Sarah might put her chin on Amy’s head when Amy is a little stressed and then look at me for a reaction.  However, this is diminishing week by week and they are working out actual challenges while kind-of avoiding much of the drama. It’s the power of the room, which is really just the power of the relationship and history.  It’s like the Sarah Rise room is a sort-of chapel, a cathedral…of joy, of respect, of relationship, of communication, of human potential.”

My dear readers, I strive to keep my updates free from topics other than our journey and my processing of experiences. I will take a moment now to digress. If you have not already registered to vote, please do so now. When election day arrives, please vote for Hillary. In this family we are about striving for love. Voting for Hillary is voting for love. Not voting for her is voting for fear and meanness, excluding people, and making fun of them. Voting for Hillary is a vote for celebrating differences and each other. So, please. Please. Please.

Now back to your regularly scheduled update. I hope your weekends are full of love.

July 24

I am back in the swing of things. We went uniform shopping on Tuesday. I had thought it was optional to have Sonia come along and would just make things a bit easier. Technically that is true. Experientially…oh my goodness! I am sooooo glad she was there. From the moment I read through the lists of the different school uniforms my head has been spinning. I made my own lists to help myself think. My head still felt like it was spinning. It felt like an out of body experience to be having the girls try on uniform clothes at Old Navy (thank goodness someone told me that for Amy we could get stuff there; for Sarah we could only get some of her things there). Sonia and I each took charge of giving a girl things to try and sorting what we were keeping and what didn’t fit. My head was still spinning. Then we went to a restaurant for lunch, which felt like a very exciting and rare occurrence. Then we went to the uniform store to get the remaining items for Sarah, some of which have to be monogramed with her school’s name. As I was paying, the girls did what we all felt like doing and just flopped on the floor. When we got home all four of us promptly napped.

We put the bags in the laundry room to keep the girls from getting into them before I had sorted through the clothes again to make sure we wanted to keep everything. Ha! Wednesday morning Amy came downstairs wearing one of her school jumpers. I went upstairs and discovered all of the bags had been opened and the contents were strewn all over the laundry room floor. Sarah was in her new gym shorts, which I had known would be her favorite item. I made them take the clothes off and I hid everything in a new place. They are both excited for school to start so they can wear their new things. Amy also gets a scared look when she thinks about school. It will be a big change for her to be in full-day school 5 days a week. I am more scared about Sarah’s experience because I will be farther away if anything happens.

I took the girls to the pool this week by myself. Twice. It was mostly easy and fun. The trickiest part is that when anyone needs to use the bathroom we all have to get in our towels and shoes and go inside and down 2 flights of stairs or one flight and an elevator ride. Sarah sometimes now says she needs to use the potty as soon as we get back from a bathroom trip. When I ask if this is so she can ride in the elevator she says yes. At least she is honest! In the water I feel relaxed about the idea of the girls learning to swim. Mainly, I’m not worrying about it. I encourage and invite some things that might help them learn. I figure the most important thing at this point is that they enjoy being in the water and continue to explore how their bodies move in the water. Amy is doing lots of mermaid moves and some bunny and bicycle moves. Sarah stays on the steps or walks back and forth and sometimes lets her legs float out when she is holding the railing.

Amy, Sarah, and I played Candyland this week and I had to remind myself how impossible such a thing used to seem. There used to be a time when Sarah didn’t want to play at all or just wanted to enjoy the board but not in a regular game-playing way. Once again, I was almost bored by how normal and easy it all was. WOW. So many thing, over and over again, go from seemingly laughingly impossible to rather common place and blah because they are such a regular part of our life. Have I mentioned how much I love Son-Rise?

What do you do with an ornery bean? You give it snuggles until it softens into a sweet bean.

July 17

I totally understand that when one goes on vacation from normal jobs that it might be harder upon reentry. Somehow I am always surprised by the level of difficulty I experience when returning to my home job. My work job is easy to return to. After the family reunion I promptly left to visit my friend in Montana. It was a wonderful visit filled with lots of laughter. My first half day at home felt easy because I had very low expectations of myself. Friday I somehow expected myself to be back to normal but I was grumpy and feeling like Sonia did a better job than I did at mothering my kids. I was generally feeling overwhelmed. Saturday morning I also felt tired and overwhelmed. Today I am feeling tired and overwhelmed and as if I will never get back in the groove of making food and veggie juice and being the kind of mom I want to be. 

There have been some good things though that I can still notice even while I am feeling low. Sonia made some excellent changes while I was away. She started having Sarah pack and unpack her epi-pens. She also started teaching Amy how to use them so that if they are together and a grown-up needs guidance, Amy can give it. She also had the girls participate in picking what would get packed for their lunches (I have already not continued this. Sigh).  And if there are places where I think she does a better job than I do, isn’t that actually wonderful and all the more reason to have such amazing help? The trick is to not then feel like a bad person myself.

Sarah asked for a veggie first thing Saturday morning. That is my requirement before they have their treat but this was the first time Sarah requested it and didn’t complain about it. Today she asked for a veggie but still spat some of it out in her haste to be done.

Ballet was much the same as it has been but I was able to notice and appreciate how much Sarah was still paying attention even when she wasn’t sitting or standing with her classmates. Whenever the teacher would ask her a question she would answer and she also did some of the movements.

Carl took each girl out biking yesterday on his bike with the attached child element. When one of them wasn’t with Carl then I took them biking around the block on Sarah’s bike (with training wheels). They both loved both parts and did very well. I survived being scared of them falling off and getting hurt.

I had felt like I was in such a good groove for so long! It feels extra disappointing to be struggling so much. Then I feel terrible about feeling terrible when so many people around the world have cause to feel truly terrible. 

I hope you are all feeing clearer than I am.

July 10

In keeping with the universe conspiring in my favor…the girls and I had a truly wonderful and easy time while Carl was away, with less help than I sometimes arrange for myself. I actually felt like I shifted into a different mentality that was just way more at ease than usual. It probably helped that we hardly did anything or went anywhere. But when we did go to a playground on Monday we met a family that seems totally awesome for us right now. While the mom and I were busy talking about the million things we have in common, our four girls were off playing a ball game together! Yes, Sarah too. For some of it she was just watching, but she was watching while in the general circle of participation. Holy moly!!!!!!!!!

N. had an amazing SR session on Wednesday. For the first half hour Amy was in the room too and they all had a riotously good time fake sneezing. Apparently the girls sneezed so hard they knocked over N. Later, when it was just Sarah and N, somehow they got started with N being a snail in need of a shell. He went to the shell store (in the closet) and Sarah pretended to welcome him to various different stores, while helping him try on new shells (made of large plastic stepping stones called River Stones). Amazing!! At one point Sarah had to pee so she told N. she was going to the potty and would be right back!

I started a new system to encourage good eating, drinking, and helping. The girls earn pennies for eating veggies, fruit, and protein, drinking various liquids, helping, and cleaning up. They can spend their pennies to get a new toy from the basement storage area, 1/2 hour playtime in the basement, 1/2 hour tv episode, 1 chapter of the BFG, looking through a photobook with me, or the expensive items of an extra treat or extra iphone/ipad turn. So far so good.

The girls and I played Chutes and Ladders and it was so easy. They took turns so easily! I had to help with where to go because the board is a bit chaotic, but they were just each so patient. It was so easy and I love how that is becoming less and less novel. I was almost bored! 

Sarah had a super amazing massage session with J. This was her third session. I am always in the room with them but this time I was with Amy at the beginning so they had already started when I came in. It was magical. I stayed as quiet as I could so as to not draw any attention to my presence. Sarah was the most calm I have ever seen her while someone is touching her and stayed calm for the longest time. She is that way for short bits with me but this was sustained and with deeper, slower touch than she normally allows from me. Sometimes J. would have one hand on Sarah’s hip and then her hand was on top of his. It was so incredibly sweet I thought I might implode. As with some other moments, I took a picture with my heart and soul. Eventually Sarah did notice me but she stayed in her calmness for almost the whole rest of the session. Then she wanted to talk more about her socks and was moving more and seemed clearly done. What an honor it was to witness such beautiful moments.

While witnessing the massage session and listening to Sarah talk to J. or to me I was reminiscing about my early days with Sarah in the SR room when we would talk about one of her teachers sneezing and what color tissues she used. At that point Sarah’s language was such a fledgeling. I marvel at the clear words and full sentences that spill forth from her so easily now. WOW. I can’t believe we are here at this moment.

We just returned from a short trip to Wisconsin for a family reunion with Carl’s side of the family. I love all of these individuals very much. The place was beautiful and generally as easy a set-up as I could hope for. And… I was totally a ball of tight stress and a very grumpy mom on the edge of tears for many moments. It felt very hard to sometimes be trying to watch both girls when they wanted to do different things and would change their mind rapidly about the thing that they just said they wanted. It was hard to keep them quiet when they woke up much earlier than most other people. I also had many moments of feeling generally good. I was so disappointed in myself for the times I was having a hard time. I feel like these wonderful family members often only see me at my worst (or close to worst). On the flight home I was thinking about how with massage I am glad when I find a spot that hurts or is notably tight because then I can give it some love. I am attempting to see this large family gathering and Jenny-stress as the same sort of good hurt that I can look at with love. Let it also be noted that I never felt judged by anyone, just loved and supported. And a stranger even complimented me on how well-behaved the kids were. I think I looked at her stunned for a moment like I wasn’t sure what planet we were on or whose kids she was referring to, but it was still a nice thing for her to say and may actually have been true outside of my perception of the struggle.

One extra awesome part of the trip was when we took the kids bowling. They had bumpers and a ramp to help, but you still had to use some force to get a good outcome. Amy got a 103! And by the end Sarah was cheering just like the rest of us. It seemed like all of the adults and kids had a great time. I had the best game I’ve ever had. Another exciting new thing was that the girls took the elevator in the reunion building all by themselves. Many times. The tricky thing was that they wanted to continue all the time and have it as a toy or a ride so there was some tension around my not letting that happen. But overall, what grownup little kiddos they are becoming! They even rode in booster seats in the rental car! 

I am off to Montana tomorrow to visit my friend G. who has been one of my best friends (along with her sister) since I was 4. This makes for a quick turn-around since we just got back from Wisconsin a few hours ago. I feel good as usual that the girls will be in good hands and I am thankful to Sonia for changing her schedule so she can arrive eeeearly so that Carl can still get to work on time. 

I hope you are all well. I hope you feel surrounded by love and kindness. I hope you can approach yourself with the same love and kindness that you receive from your most loving and kind supporters.

July 2

We went blueberry picking! This is one of my favorite field trips. It was hot and beautiful and we still have yummy berries.

Sarah lost another tooth. It had been loose for a long time and then it was very loose and then it was very very loose and then we woke up Wednesday morning hearing her say, “there’s a tooth under my pillow!” It must have come out right after she woke up. Wednesday night I woke up when I heard Sarah mumble in her sleep. I nudged Mr. Tooth Fairy in a panic to ask if the tooth had been placed under her pillow and if the tooth fairy had come. He had not! But Sarah was no longer fast asleep and her head was right where he needed it not to be. Luckily we had some coins in the bedroom and he devised a plan to bring her a cup of water. While she took a sip he deftly made the switch. Phew.

We had a lovely visit with some good friends who used to be our neighbors a few years ago. Out of the blue Sarah said the name of their dog. No one had mentioned the dog. There was a dog nearby that may have triggered her memory. But no one had said the name of their dog to Sarah in maybe 3 years. What a memory! Where does she store these things?

We also celebrated Carl’s 40th birthday! For this occasion (note: I never spell occasion or occasionally right on the first try) I made a list of 40 wonderful things that I love about him, though of course I could have kept going. One that didn’t fit but deserves mention was when we were in Scotland at Edinburgh castle we were not dressed warmly enough for the incessant cold wind. But we wanted to listen to a knight giving a presentation outside. I huddled behind Carl, using him as a windbreak and he stood as if the wind didn’t bother him at all. He was cold. He just said he decided not to mind it. Chivalry is so not dead.

Sarah and Amy and I played Crazy Eights. Whenever Sarah needed to draw a card she would do so and with great enthusiasm say, “oooh, I got a ____!” It was hilariously adorable. Amy and I were cracking up. Sarah enjoyed our laughter. After a few rounds of this then Amy started doing the same thing. It was one of my best times of not end-gaining at all towards a completed game and being able to really enjoy Sarah’s personality as she played the game.

Ballet class today went well again, though Sarah was definitely even more into walking back and forth and opening and closing doors rather than participating. I had to intervene a couple times when she was going into the supply closet but otherwise I stayed calm and the teacher didn’t seem to mind and Sarah did do a few things with the group.

Sarah has achieved a new level of crazy strength. She can do pull-ups. Tonight she did maybe 10 or 15. She is SOOOO strong!

In general I feel like the universe just continues to conspire in my favor. You want a schooling situation you are excited about for Sarah? Voila. You want a small, relaxed ballet class that is perfect for your children and just ten minutes from home? Sure, here you go. You want to heal from years of tension and all emotional crap stored in your body? Here is an amazing massage therapist with just the right blend of modalities and intuition in walking distance! And he will also come to the house to work with Sarah! During my Jenny-Rise session this week, in my right shoulder and area under my right clavicle I could feel all the tearful, “I can’t do this!” feelings that I didn’t realize were sitting there, but on my left side I felt, “Oh, this is just me, fully me, innately and solidly me.” It was such an amazing moment of feeling what is going on inside me. Because it is of course all me. The left just seems to be in the present moment where the right is holding years of stuff.  Anyway, I am just so deeply grateful for all of the amazing goodness in my life. 

As much love to all of you as Sarah is strong.