November 25

This week we got 16 hours, which is impressive given the Thanksgiving travel. 14 hours of that was in three days and then I did an hour on  Thurs and Fri while we were away.

Sarah has always been an awesome traveler and this trip was no exception. She even did a great job staying with us while walking through the airport without us holding her hand the whole time. 

Sarah is often quite present during meal times at home and she continued this in our large family gatherings of 10 people. When we sat down to our turkey dinner, a small voice said  "gobble."  As we laughed she looked around, clearly pleased with herself. She also clapped and said "yay" after we sang happy birthday to J. on Wed. In general she was quite verbal and made great eye contact during meals. On the last day she was having more of a struggle and not wanting to eat or be at the table. I was also more stressed about packing and trying to control things so that may have been part of why she struggled more. Overall she did a fantastic job being present and I also think it totally makes sense that she wanted to nap more than usual. When she was present she was very very present and when she was not she was trying to nap (really wanting some down time). Being around so many people and in a new place probably gave her a lot to process. 

I had two fun SR sessions with her where we played for some of the time with a broken soccer ball. There is so much to play with with a broken ball (how many different ways can you try to fix it?). She also really enjoyed playing with puzzles. I would collect the pieces and ask which one she wanted next. If she put a piece in the wrong place I would say "wrong hole!" since we know she loves wrong holes. This seemed to help keep the trying fun. Lastly, we had a fabulous time playing with practicing "th." It really tickles my tongue when I try to emphasize it. Sarah thinks this is funny and thus it really helps to develop a game around practicing. I give her tickles and kisses and cheering with every attempt she makes, which means that she often practices for a few minutes and also really watches my mouth as I say the sound or word. 

We have been working/playing at having Sarah use greetings (hi, bye, hello) and at one point she was playing with a toy camera and spontaneously held it to her ear and clearly said "h-ell-o." She also said attempts at goodbye and goodnight more readily than usual when prompted. 

Lately, Sarah says she wants to take off the dots or stripes on plates or pictures or fabric. For a while we were just explaining why we couldn't do this. At one point Sonia switched it up and asked Sarah if she could have the dot that Sarah was trying to take off; Sarah picked up a pretend dot and put it in Sonia's hand. We then started doing this with almost anything she asked to take off, pretending to accept it and then smoosh it back into place or eat it or put it in our pockets. This further developed to playing with Amy and pretending to take her nose, much to Amy's delight. 

Earlier in the week I had an awesome Option moment, thanks to my dear husband Carl facilitating my internal shift. I was helping Sarah get dressed but was feeling quite angry and impatient and frustrated with myself for not being perfectly happy and patient and Son-Risey. I left Sarah's room and went to talk to Carl. He reminded me that I could make a decision (eg. hide Amy's sweatpants that Sarah wanted to wear) and that Sarah could have her reaction. Ah, such wisdom! I instantly shifted into feeling ok about her reaction because I stopped judging my decision as bad. I think I very often take the screams of my children to mean that I made a bad decision and then I get frustrated feeling like I am stupid or should have done something different. Remembering that I can still stand by my decision and allow for the screaming without doubting myself helped immensely. And once I wasn't resisting the screaming it very quickly stopped and I playfully and energetically encouraged Sarah to get dressed, which she did rapidly.

Now to remember that learning... as I mentioned I was not my most Son-Risey as we were preparing to leave Minnesota. I was impatient and grumpy and anxious and judging myself all over the place for feeling that way. So, back to the beginning... first to accept my own self in all ways. Yup, all. Otherwise I get stuck and don't actually move past the upset. As one of my favorite people says, this was AFOG (Another F*ing Opportunity for Growth). Yes, it was. And maybe that is great. Maybe every time I get stuck or unhappy I can on some level really celebrate that my stuck spots are being brought to my attention. And it doesn't mean I'm a terrible person and why would anyone want to be with me. It just means that I have places where I am not feeling happy and that I would prefer to feel happy in future situations.

I am so deeply grateful for this incredible journey and my extensive group of supportive family and friends and volunteers. I hear many Son-Rise parents talk about having family or friends who don't understand what they are doing or don't fully support it. I have never felt unsupported by any family member or friend. That is pretty huge. So thank you all for joining this journey in whatever way you are joining it. 

November 18

This week we got 25 hours and 20 min and I only did an hour of that! Sonia and Carl and my volunteers are rock stars! After each session I have people write up their reflections on what worked or didn't work or changes they noticed or whatever they want to record. It was such a pleasure to read through these notes from the time I was away. My team is so creative! And Sarah is so amazing! I am deeply grateful for this amazing team and this amazing girl who teaches us all to reach for the most loving place inside ourselves. As I probably write every week and say every day, I am so impressed with Sarah's language. Her clarity and expressiveness increases daily and is so self-driven. Certainly we encourage and celebrate but she is the one to keep learning and adding new words to her repertoire.

I have now attended all of the Son-Rise training courses, with the latest being New Frontiers. Soooooooo awesome! The teachers are so incredibly thoughtful and loving. The classes are always the perfect mix of things to help me change my attitude and then concrete specifics for how to improve my techniques in the playroom and as a team leader. I have taken my understanding about giving feedback to yet another level. I have a better understanding of how to build on Sarah's isms, how to initiate games, how to request things of her, how to create games, how to think creatively about props, and how to use Sarah's motivations to help her reach her goals. For example, my prop could be paper towel tubes and ideas could include: alien antennae, long fingers and toes, ears, put things down the tubes and one could be the wrong hole, drum on walls or the table, walking sticks, big binoculars, etc. In any given game, once she is interested then I can make requests, such as saying a word or phrase or looking at me or doing whatever activity I had modeled. If my goal was having her practice saying hello and goodbye, then maybe whatever item was being stuffed down the tube would say hi/bye; then I would ask her to say either word to reinitiate the activity. I have been doing similar games, but I haven't always been so clear about how to combine her motivations with props to play towards her goals. Tomorrow night we have a group meeting so I can share more about what I learned with my team and we can all brainstorm ideas together.

A key thing I learned is how important it is not to place limits on my own thinking and not to judge any idea, whether or not Sarah goes for it. If I start judging myself then I'm not loving Sarah because I'm busy doing something else (judging myself!). There are specific techniques that are part of the Son-Rise program but the most important thing by far is attitude. Towards myself, my team, and Sarah. Love and acceptance at every step of the way. If I get grumpy and judgmental then it is time to accept myself for that so that I have the space to look at it and make changes.

As with the other training classes I have attended, I was so impressed with my classmates and their thoughtfulness, courage, and love. They are an incredible support network for me, blazing trails of what is possible. It is incredibly beautiful to be with a group of people all willing to do whatever internal work it takes to be 100% there for their kids. Helping Sarah change really means changing myself so I can see her more clearly and freely. I can want the world for her and the more I want the better. The important bit is not to need a darn thing from her in order to feel happy, because if I'm needing something from her then that feels like a push and she can sense that and pushes back in some fashion. So the more I let go, the more cleanly and strongly I can request.

I had a mini-dialogue with Bears where I looked at yet another level of how I creatively blame myself for Sarah's condition. This time I was thinking that if only I had learned my lessons 15 years ago when I attended an 8 week course at Option then I wouldn't have needed Sarah's situation to lead me back for more learning. Possible. But why not decide that if it is true then what a wonderful gift the universe designed to help me learn and grow. And why isn't this also somehow perfect for Sarah? Maybe it was important that I did the 8 week course so that I knew about Option and Son-Rise. Maybe I didn't start any sooner than I did because then I wouldn't have had the amazing team I have now. It is all what I make up and choose to believe. When I choose happier beliefs then I have a lot more momentum and energy for taking care of the present moment with more kindness and effectiveness.

Back on the home front, guest writer Carl says: "Sarah can now put toothpaste on her toothbrush which means that she can do all parts of getting ready for bed all by herself, and she usually does each step all by herself with some gentle encouragement to string the steps together. She has also been getting faster at putting on her clothes in the morning and more independent as well (some mornings at least). This had the added benefit of meaning that Sarah and I could sleep in a little later in the morning, with Jenny and Amy out for the week. I've been continuing to practice giving Sarah more space and time in the Sarah-rise room during semi-exclusive behaviors (or especially when she says "Move back"), and really waiting for a strong invitation of steady eye contact with some words or something else that really feels like she is ready to engage. This has felt good to honor where Sarah is, and it seems like we have better connections afterward when I really am patient and wait until she is fully ready. Patience is good."

Love and acceptance to all of you exactly as you are in all ways. I am so grateful for all of you. Happy Thanksgiving!

November 10

This week we got 24 hours. I am still hoping to eventually regularly get over 30 hours, but some weeks it just doesn't happen, usually for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes I feel disappointed about this but I also realized that it is really important to me that Amy and Sarah still get time to play together and that Sarah has time outside of the room too. So I think 30-35 hours would be perfect. And maybe 24 hours was perfect for this week too.

Since we started working with Sarah differently to get dressed in the morning (asking more, waiting longer, promising chocolate pudding in a container if she gets dressed fast (in a cup if she moves slowly), pointing out when she is moving slowly, Carl getting dressed at the same time in Sarah's room, me sitting outside her room instead of right next to her), she is now doing a much better job of getting herself dressed in the mornings. Sometimes it still takes some time, but I think the frustration level that I feel is much lower and her capability is getting stronger.

Sometimes I have trouble navigating the line between not manhandling her and still enforcing certain things that really make sense, such as staying dressed when it is cold. Clothing is a rule and I do physically move her a bit to enforce this sometimes, but I tell her I am going to before I do it.

This week Sarah has started telling us to "move back" way more. Often when she tells me to move back I do so in a very large way, running into a radiator or wall or door and then commenting on what I bumped into and how I can't go back any more. This usually results in a few minutes of dialogue with eye contact. I'm not sure if she is then saying "move back" more often because she finds my reaction fun and/or if she has discovered a way to ask for more space and thus not need to frog as much. The most important thing is that we celebrate her telling us to move back since that is a lovely assertion of independence and clear communication. There are times when I don't comply and then I tell her why, explaining that sometimes things are different when Amy is also in the SR room or when we are not in the SR room.

During Sh.'s session this week Sh. showed Sarah her shopping list of what she was going to get at the coop. As they went through it a second time Sh. didn't say some of the items and waited to see if Sarah would supply them, which she did! She contributed "bologna," a word she has not heard for a few years!

Sarah asked to go to Sonia's apartment to visit B., saying B.'s name with great glee.

I have changed our goals slightly to be: imagination play and physical play.

For all the clarity I thought I had about Sarah's exclusivity and "move back"ing, it is always interesting when the duration crosses some line and then I start to doubt myself. Why should the duration matter? If I am trusting her and trusting the ism and delighting in spending time with her and offering her an opportunity to interact, then that is not something that has a time limit. I am grateful for the sessions this week that were primarily exclusive or movebacking; they helped me identify the "hitch in my get-along" as my grandfather would say. I could then reaffirm my beliefs and intentions. I also noticed that in the sessions where I am doubting myself a bit to begin with, I am less effective and have less fun. When I believe in what we are doing, it is more effective and I am more creative and loving and persistent.

We started a new volunteer this week and when she arrived Sarah was cooking a hot dog. I introduced Ay.; Sarah gave her a long look and then began talking to Sonia and me about the slotted/dotted spoon, cooking a hot dog, the hot stove, waiting for big bubbles, seeing tiny bubbles.

In one of my sessions this week Sarah asked for Matching Squares and then told me to move back. After a few minutes of exclusive play, Sarah found a square with non-pareils. She told me "back what non-par" (black and white non-pareils). I asked her a few times if she could find the matching square. She started looking around and turned squares over until she found it!! That was a first, at least with me.

In a few hours I start my drive to MA. I am so excited for what I anticipate will be a wonderful week full of amazing learning. I hope you all have amazing weeks full of learning too!

November 4

This week we got 30 hours! Sonia (Carl's sister) is now officially moved in to her apartment and is my full-time assistant. Woohooo!! She does 4 SR sessions a week and watches Amy so I can get more SR time too. Sonia is also helping with laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes, etc. It is so wonderful to have this help and she is great company too!

Sarah's language continues to get ever clearer. When she met Sonia's cat B. she did a very good attempt at saying his name. It might have even been fully correct, I just don't remember. Sarah also said Sy. perfectly at least once. She continues to ask for her various volunteers to come in. When she asks for A. to come in she then follows it with "new o(r)k." She often wants to sit on the front steps to wait for her volunteers, though this request is often several hours before their scheduled arrival so we don't do it.

During her bath today Sarah said that sharks, fish, and ducks swim in the water (each was a separate sentence).

Halloween... ah....another opportunity for me to reflect upon why I get so attached to things going MY way and get upset when they don't. Sigh. We let Sarah lie down for 20 minutes before attempting costumes.  She didn't sleep but I think giving her a break was good. She was frogging and I was out of my SR mindset of allowing it and into my Halloween mindset that it was time to get dressed! This is why it can be helpful to have two parents. Carl suggested giving her the break, reminding me that it was our desire (not Sarah's) to do trick or treating. Why is it sometimes so hard to remember  that the most important thing is having a loving relationship between myself and my family -- rather than getting out the door in costumes by a certain time? With all of these places where I lose my happy equilibrium I am reminding myself that the first step is accepting and acknowledging where I am and then I can change from there. I often try to skip the acknowledging and accepting and that sometimes works but not always.

We did manage a short bit of trick-or-treating, with neither girl particularly interested in candy but very interested in our neighbors, houses, and porches. Sarah went as a Steeler since she loves her jersey and could thus basically be in normal clothes. Amy went as a ladybug, having rejected the Tigger costume every time a choice was offered. (today Amy decided to be Tigger all morning!) We walked through the woods to see the friends with whom we used to spend Halloween before we moved to our new neighborhood. At least at their house we actually did go inside! N. said that she can see a big difference in Sarah's language and interactiveness compared to when we started Sarah-Rise. Yay! I know I write up all these notes to help me remember our progress but it is so easy to adjust to the new normal, even while being amazed and celebrating it, that it is helpful to have reminders. It is getting harder to remember when Sarah couldn't say almost anything she wanted.

This week I went grocery shopping with the girls, as I often do. Sometimes it goes smoothly the whole time and sometimes Sarah says she wants to be done the whole time. Sometimes Amy cries, but rarely. This week the cart I had them in had a broken seat belt so effectively it was one huge double belt. I thought it would be fine. Amy had other ideas. She cried several times and tried to climb out of the seat (which she could do). So we had to just wait for her to settle again. Through all of this Sarah was awesome. She only said she was done once. She ate her carrot. When Amy cried, Sarah gave her kisses. Sarah waited patiently as Amy had her little tantrums. Thank goodness it was only one kid having a melt down. I also didn't lose my own temper, which was an achievement. I was feeling stressed but I kept reminding myself that I never feel good when I yell at the kids.

Today felt like a harder day for both girls and I'm not sure why. I'd like to blame it on Halloween last night (rescheduled in Pittsburgh because of bad weather on the actual day) or on the time change. Maybe the why doesn't matter. It is often humbling though when there is a lot more upset than usual (especially Amy being upset) because then I have a much harder time too. Just when I think I have it all figured out there is something to keep it interesting.