May 5: Sleeping, Inquiring, and Potatoes

Last Sunday Sarah needed to sleep A LOT to recover from the energy output from tech week and the performances for the musical. She napped after breakfast. She napped after lunch. When it was time to wake up to get ready for her piano recital she kept asking for one more minute. Then she said, “no, no, I’m too weak to go on.” We debated about letting her skip the piano recital, but she had been practicing her pieces so often and was so good at them and, and, and. It was a tough call, but in the end she did wake up enough and get in a dress. She did a beautiful job at the recital, and then took another nap when we got home. She was probably napping by 4pm. We had a party scheduled for 6pm to celebrate all of her accomplishments and Amy’s art show. At 7:40 Sarah was still completely out, batting nary an eyelid when we checked on her. Since we had to wake her to take her medications anyway, we did wake her in time to be part of the party while she had dinner. And then she promptly went back to sleep!

Sarah did seem quite congested on Sunday and I was concerned that she got a cold after pushing so hard for so long with the musical. But, it turns out it was just her usual seasonal allergies. Since it was a beautiful day we forgot that at this time of year we have to keep the windows closed. Spending the night in her room with the windows shut and the air purifier going made an enormous difference and she was in great shape Monday morning, eager to see her bus driver and go to school. 

I have started appreciating how often Sarah asks all of us how our day was or how a trip was or a certain activity. She has been doing this for a while, but I think she is doing it more often now. She models for me how I could have more space to ask such questions when Carl comes home. Sarah is often eager to know about Carl’s day, how his rowing went, and what he had for lunch. 

Not to be outdone in showing Carl some love, for months now Amy has been constantly reminding him that he is boring, old, and a potato. She comes up with new and creative ways to share this message and we all share lots of laughter around it. 

This weekend we are all having Dad Weekends. The girls and Carl are having a weekend without me while I’m visiting my dad, stepmom, and brother - with an added bonus that one of my aunts is visiting too. 

Just as Sarah needed to recover her energy after the intensity of the musical, so did I. I took naps and enjoyed some time reading on the couch. I also realized I wanted to cut back on more of my teaching and administrative responsibilities and those changes are now in progress. People often ask what I will do with my time now that I’m not seeing clients and if I cut back on teaching.  I will breathe more, notice my surroundings more, and not be so busy that I end my days exhausted. For a long time I loved doing it all and so even if my days were packed I was still thriving. But now, maybe as I come into my own boring old potatohood, I don’t want to be doing all the things anymore. It’s just time for a change, and maybe that will lead to some new thing or maybe it won’t. For now I’m loving slowly clearing our house from years of clutter that I had no time for. And reading! I love reading and want much more time for that. There is also still plenty to do to keep everyone fed and in clean clothes and where they need to be when they need to be there. 

Lots of love to you all, especially if you happen to be a boring old potato.

April 28: We Made It!!

We are successfully ALL SHOOK UP! The musical by that name is done! We made it! Sarah did a phenomenal job throughout an intense week of dress rehearsals and performances 7 days in a row, getting to bed so much later than usual. She had no spare time for anything outside of eating and sleeping when she was at home. As soon as she came home on a school day she took a nap (wanting me next to her) until dinnertime and then we scooted back to her school. She did a beautiful job with all of the performances, with her best run being last night - perhaps because she had two long naps during the day. Some of you may have questioned our sanity as you read about our struggles along the way… but! For this musical and her previous two musicals, when it all comes together it is profoundly incredible and moving. I always feel teary watching her dancing and doing the moves on stage. It is a culmination of the years of therapies and Sarah-Rise and the continued love and input from all of those who are closest to her. It is a culmination of so much hard work on Sarah’s part! What an incredible achievement for her to set a goal and upend her normal life for four months to make it happen, to wait (mostly) quietly and patiently for so many minutes while then being ready to go on and do her stuff when it was time. It is profoundly heart-filling to witness someone who walked at age 3 and talked at age 4 go up on stage as part of an ensemble to dance and sing her heart out. 

Amy commented that now she will actually get to see her sister again. During these intense rehearsal and performance days, Sarah would be on her way to school when Amy came down for breakfast, Sarah would be napping when Amy came home from school, and then Amy would be asleep by the time Sarah and I got home from rehearsals. Amy is about to start some after school activities, so it is perfect timing to wrap up the musical as my taxi services will be required for Amy, but in a less intense way! 

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop drove out from Philadelphia to see the musical and they also got to attend Amy’s art show from the after-school art program she was part of for several weeks. Friday was an intricate dance of timing and coordination since Sarah needed to nap after school (my mom sat with her in my stead), but I needed to get Amy at her school so she could be on time for her art show. I got home with Amy and hopped out of the car so Carl and my parents could hop in the car and zoom to the art venue. I got dinner ready for Sarah and me and then we went to get her in costume, dealing with massive traffic jams. After the art show, Carl and Amy then came out to see the musical for the second time, eating dinner as they drove and taking a longer route to avoid the traffic that was slowing my progress. 

It was really meaningful having so many people come see the musical, including family from near and far, Sarah’s school friends, close family friends, and Sarah’s piano teacher. When one of her school friends was hugging Sarah and telling her how proud she was of her, I was all emotional and could easily have cried more joyful tears. It is a big deal to have a peer friend like that. We also managed to keep it a secret that Sarah's beloved bus driver would be in the audience last night. At the very end of the performance, all alumni who used to be part of the cast and crew were invited on stage, and that is when the bus driver (a crew alum) said hello to her. She was radiantly happy to see him, and she was excitedly talking about how she couldn’t wait to see him on Monday and tell him all about the musical! 

When we got home last night I sprawled out on the family room floor to give my body the message that we had finished our race. I had dreams about the musical and needing to be ready for it. I had to remind myself each time I woke that it was over and we made it. 

Today we have Sarah’s piano recital! Then we will celebrate all of the art, musicals, and piano recital with a party at our house at a reasonable hour. The cast parties after each musical performance were too late for our tired selves and wouldn’t have supported a lively connection with Sarah in the way we can do at home.

April 21: Meltdowns, Mom-Guilt, and Medical Appointments

I’m stunned to realize it has only been a week that I am looking to summarize because the various emotional rollercoasters feel like forever ago, which I guess means I have successfully let go of the residue. Last Sunday Sarah had a meltdown in rehearsal that included full screaming in the gym in the middle of everything. In hindsight, of course, I could have handled many small things differently and that could have resulted in a different outcome. But, I didn’t. So there we were and I wished the floor would swallow us, but I forcefully propelled us out of the space and into the hallway, so the screams could reverberate more fully! Eventually someone encouraged us to go to the band room so we could close the door and sit down. I think that person expected that then I could be a kind and nurturing mom. I did not have that in me. I was crying too and when Sarah asked why I was crying I launched into my whiny/lectury mom self. Eventually we recouped and Sarah even joined in for the remainder of the rehearsal. The next morning I felt emotionally blah and recognized it as my bad-mom-guilt hangover. 

Wednesday when Sarah came home from school, it was impossible for her bus driver to drop her off next to our house because there was so much work being done in the roads (lots of gas and water department work lately). I met her at the end of the alley and instead of skirting the edge of a deep hole, I took us the longer way around the block. It was a beautiful day and Sarah often likes to “go for a run” around the block, even if that mainly entails standing and looking at the world. All was going smoothly and amicably until we came to a “road closed” sign that had been put on the sidewalk because it wasn’t needed in the road. Sarah touched parts of the sign. Just as I was about to gently nudge her to keep going towards home, a construction worker nearby said she shouldn’t touch the sign because he didn’t want her fingers to get splinters or get pinched. Oh dear. As we learn from The Fantastiks, “to manipulate children, you merely say no.” As you can see in paragraph one, it’s not that I have it all figured out by a long shot, but in this moment I wish I could have just handled it by myself. Sarah did not like being told no and she dug in her heels and wanted to keep touching the sign more than anything in the world. I placed myself between her and the sign, but then her force got stronger. I felt desperate to get home and inside. As she fought me, I lowered her to the ground as slowly as possible. She took off a shoe and threw it. She was screaming. I didn’t know how to survive the moment. It was just all too much. Luckily, I had my phone and thought to use it. I told Sarah I wanted to send a message to a neighbor. I quickly texted one of our dear friends who lives across the street from where we were. I asked if he was home and available. Within a minute he was outside and that was enough to shift the energy so Sarah and I could move again. It is beyond words how meaningful it is to know I’m not alone in those moments when everything is just too hard. Once inside, Sarah let loose with more screaming. I’m sure she was beyond frustrated and upset. I was too. I just sat on the floor and cried. Then I called my mom because she doesn’t mind being a phone witness to keep us company through these moments and that helps me stay afloat. Within maybe twenty minutes I felt like I could listen to Sarah with kindness and snuggles rather than feeling mad at her. Then Anna arrived and listened to me compassionately while Sarah got a snack and watched her show. I felt supported near and far. 

Amy had two medical appointments this week. The first was with genetics because her orthopedic doctor wants to know if there is an underlying connective tissue situation that would explain the scoliosis. All of the specialists say we are looking to see if there a connective tissue disorder. I prefer to say condition. Otherwise things can sound too scary. Every part of this process takes sooooo long. It was probably about a year ago that the orthopedic doctor said to see genetics. But first we had to see Amy’s regular doctor, who then sent us to a neurologist, who then sent us to genetics, but that was a 7 month wait to get an appointment. Now, we have to wait a month or two for insurance to approve the genetic doctor’s request for a blood test, the results of which will take an additional month or two. We also are supposed to follow up with a cardiologist and ophthalmologist, because that is just how they do things if you get sent to genetics. So many appointments. And so much waiting. And trying not to worry. 

Amy had a follow-up with her orthopedic doctor on Friday and her scoliosis curve has increased but not enough to warrant surgery. So that is good, but it’s basically a race between the curve progression and when she will finish growing and how much the brace can do. So, more waiting and more trying not to worry. Meanwhile, Amy continues to handle wearing her brace and explaining scoliosis to those who ask with ever more poise, ownership, and confidence. 

On a lighter note, last Sunday both girls helped Carl refurbish some kitchen cabinets so the mice can’t poop on the silverware and so there are drawers instead of just heaping piles of disorganization. I love my new drawers! On Friday night we went shopping for a chair and a half to replace a sofa that our cat has scratched down to the wood. A chair and a half is like a loveseat but a bit smaller and with only one seat cushion instead of two. The girls had a great time at the store. Sarah rode the escalators repeatedly and enjoyed the various striped fabrics. Amy fell in love with a very squishy, plush item that I don’t even have a name for. Sort of like a giant chaise lounge. It was all we could do to drag her away, but the promise of ice cream at Jeni’s helped. Then, yesterday Carl made rainbow bagels with the girls and Sarah enjoyed three naps. The naps were interspersed with Amy meeting with some Higgy (scoliosis support) friends and Carl taking Sarah to Aladdin’s for lunch. I was worried about the length of the last nap throwing off her evening sleep, but I needn’t have worried. When she finally did wake up she easily took a bath and washed her hair more effectively than usual. As Carl has to remind me, always trust the nap. Sarah finished the evening by practicing her piano pieces and singing “not a box” as Carl strummed his guitar.

Anyway, any good vibes you can send regarding Sarah’s final few rehearsals and her performances are most welcome. I feel a weight of anxiety about the week, especially with today’s marathon rehearsal including two run-throughs on the stage.

April 14: Sun and Rain

A week ago we were preparing for our Monday trip to Akron, OH to watch the eclipse in the hopes that the weather would cooperate and we could witness the totality. Monday morning we were on our way by 7am, laptops packed for any schoolwork on this virtual day made possible by the pandemic - meaning the kids didn't attend school in person but they had something they needed to accomplish. I think next year for Sarah’s IEP I want to add something so that Sarah doesn’t have to do anything at home or that I get to design something myself because she resists mightily most of the time no matter how small the task. I imagine that none of the teachers assigning things has any idea of the screaming and protesting that happens. Needless to day, Sarah did NOT watch the 2 minute video on the eclipse or answer the questions on the worksheet about it. Carl was successful in getting her to draw a picture about something from her spring break (she drew alligators), but then that paper traveled to and fro each day of the week, never being submitted. Anyway, we were on the road with snacks and meals packed in case traffic was so intense on the return journey that we needed to have dinner en route. We even had our small portable camping potty packed so we could be entirely self-sufficient if need be. 

We parked in a lot at a shopping center and had a looooong time before the eclipse. The girls and I went to Kohls in the hope of finding things Sarah needed for her costume for the musical. We found shoes for the costume and the girls each got something with their own money left over from Christmas. The rest of the time was spent with me searching in vain for beige tights and a beige leotard for Sarah while she trailed behind me, handling all that she passed and wanting to buy everything! Later I went to Walmart on my own, not daring to take Sarah there where she would want even more of everything. Luckily I found the beige tights and leotard-type thing in short order.

The eclipse itself was more exciting than I anticipated, especially the totality. We had chairs, glasses, and blankets. We were surprised by how chilly it got! If it had all been up to me I would have stayed in Pittsburgh. I’m glad Carl had a bigger vision than I did to make this exciting day happen. 

On the drive home we watched as the miles left decreased but the expected duration of the trip stayed constant. Since Sarah had rehearsal that evening we decided to go straight to her school, a decision we might not have come to if she didn’t have rehearsal. But it was such a good idea! It meant more miles but much less traffic. We arrived in time to go to a restaurant for dinner. Carl and Amy then ubered home while Sarah and I stayed for rehearsal. 

The other excitement from the week was the rain, akin to the amount of rain from last week that caused lots of flooding in various roadways. Thursday’s rehearsal was canceled at the last minute as we all got emergency notifications on our phones saying to stay inside because of the risk of flash floods. We actually did go out because we knew the area we were going to was not a flood risk, and we wanted to see Anna in an improv show. Sarah made it through part of the show sort-of quietly but then wanted to be done. Amy and I stayed while Carl and Sarah went out to play in the rain. 

If you heard screams Friday morning that was because Sarah’s school decided to have another “flexible" (at home) day so that people didn’t need to risk driving in flooded areas. Sarah was so deeply upset. She loves going to school, especially the rides with her bus driver. She loves Fridays because she has gym class. And she was extra excited to have a dress down day on this particular Friday. She screamed and cried hard for about half an hour. Meanwhile, Amy would have loved to have a virtual day but her school stayed in-person. After Sarah settled she opted for a nap and slept for over 4 hours!!! I think she wore herself out with the depth of her feelings. 

On the days that Sarah did have school she stayed in bed a little longer than usual but miraculously ate breakfast faster than usual. She was always ready before her bus arrived and to pass the time she pretended to climb mountains or be a cowboy or a circus clown or a gymnast. 

Morning and evening Amy can be found wearing her cat bathrobe that I got her for her birthday. It has a hood with ears and there is a tail at the back. If we say something she doesn’t like she presents her cat butt. She also loves snuggling with our cat while looking like a cat herself. Amy has also been creating more art with her face as the canvas. One day she drew a curved spine on her cheek and decorated it with green and white jewels, representing scoliosis-warrior colors. 

Sometimes it works for me to leave Sarah on her own at home or with just Amy at home. Unfortunately this seems to be less doable than it used to be. Sarah gets more upset more quickly if a parent or other grown-up isn't at home. On Friday I had something to attend twenty minutes before Carl got home. To her credit, Sarah went to Amy about feeling sad and Amy did her best to help Sarah. She helped Sarah find her phone so she could call Carl and find out precisely when he would be home. It was all ok, but I don’t want to put such responsibilities on Amy if I can help it. And yet, I am so grateful that Amy is who she is and can navigate such situations when she is called upon to be the older sister. 

April 7: Snow, Creativity, and Stopping

As is so common for an April morning, I am gazing out my window at snow. True, we are in the mountains of Pennsylvania, but still. Snow! Carl was thrilled, I was glad I still had my snow tires, and Amy was consternated. Sarah didn’t seem to mind either way. Yesterday Carl and the girls enjoyed a short burst of riding on a snowmobile. Amy likened it to a rollercoaster so I was hesitant to try. Carl reminded me that he was “the boyfriend who listened” about me not liking rollercoasters. It is true that after the one small rollercoaster he convinced me to try, he has never suggested or pressured me to ride one since. To his immense credit, he also stopped on the snowmobile as soon as I wanted to stop, which was after mere feet of riding. I will try again when there is more snow and no gravel peaking through underneath. I will try again because I have complete trust that he will stop if I say to stop. 

Speaking of stopping, I have emptied my office completely of everything that was coming home with me. Sarah helped since she didn’t have school. It was truly helpful to have an extra pair of arms and it was nice to have her company for what felt quite sad. I know it was my own choice to close my practice, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some grief about it. 

As you know, Sarah loves getting red xes at tunnel entrances. She is also skilled at swapping new words into songs or lines from books. And she loves foxes. In the book Little Fox Goes to the End of the World by Ann Tompert, the fox goes to the island of the one-eyed cats. Sarah has started saying that little fox is going to the island of the one-eyed red exes. I adore this creativity that never fails to crack me up with surprised delight. 

Speaking of creativity, when the girls had their annual well-visits, this year it worked to have them at the same time. Sarah really wanted a paper gown with animals playing sports, as she wore many years ago for a check-up. The doctor only had plain blue gowns or gowns with pictures of kids. Amy promptly took a pen from her school supplies and drew a bear kicking a soccer ball on Sarah’s gown. The bear was wearing jersey number 17 to honor Sarah’s age. The checkups went well, and we learned that Amy is in the 98th percentile for height. She is not quite 5’8” but she is close. She is almost as tall as I am and yet I had another moment of not realizing her age. When I printed the guidelines to apply for the Creative and Performing Arts school, I highlighted the areas for grades 6-8. But she will be applying for grades 9-12! In my defense, she is in 7th grade now and has to apply in the fall of her 8th grade year if she wants to get in for high school. So the mistake could be made by anyone!

Sarah and I visited the Woodlands camp for her intake interview. This summer she will attend an overnight week-long summer camp all about music! And two of her friends will be there!! It will be the same week that Amy attends an overnight camp with her bestie. I’m sure the house will feel oddly quiet without them. But, if attending overnight is too much for Sarah then she can switch to being a day camper. I had been waiting for this interview before telling Sarah about the camp because I didn’t want to get her hopes up if they might be dashed. Hopes are now rightfully up and we are all excited. 

March 31: Florida, alligators, and Easter

 We are flying home today after a wonderful spring break in Ft. Myers, Florida. One day Sarah told Carl that he was wearing a sleeveful shirt, in contrast to her own sleeveless shirt. She also happily wore her new socks with foxes on them every time she wasn’t in flip-flops or barefoot.

We spent many hours on the beach and at the pool. The wind was quite strong a lot of the time, especially on Thursday when we went to Sanibel Island. That day Carl and I knew we needed full vigilance and one-on-one attention if the girls went in the water. Sarah opted to stay sitting in the sand. Amy wanted to be in the waves, which were the biggest and most sideways we had seen. Carl went with her and they had a great time getting moved down the shoreline by the waves. They would walk about a block or two away from where I was sitting to enter the water and then get out three blocks away the other direction. Even though Carl was with Amy, I kept a close watch on both of them. On their last excursion they decided to go a bit farther before getting out and were surprised to discover that instead of the current easily bringing them towards the shore as it had been, it suddenly wasn’t. They had to work a bit and swim like they meant it to get in. By that point I was starting to wonder and get grumpy, thinking they were just staying longer for fun but also contemplating what I would do if they needed help. All was well and they did get out so we could make the long drive in heavy traffic to get off of Sanibel. That night I was up for a while imagining all of the ways things could have gone wrong, feeling all of the fears belatedly. 

When we go on vacation, Sarah often suggests getting flowers for me, because we did so once many years ago. It has thus become tradition to get a bouquet that we can actually keep out in easy view instead of hiding it in a cabinet so our cat won’t eat it. Amy promptly pretended to be a big cat trying to eat the roses and then hopping off the counter with her cat butt held high. 

One discussion ended in tears of laughter. We were talking about some friends we could maybe visit briefly this summer. Carl said he thought the kids were about Amy’s age. I said, “Oh, I think they are a bunch older… like 13.” I meant it honestly, not as a joke, but then collapsed in deep laughter given that Amy is 13!

Sarah was in fine form a few hours after having a big meltdown that Carl fielded while Amy and I were beachfully unaware. It was helpful to have Sarah in her sparkliest mode while we waited at a restaurant for a long time. We knew it would be a long wait but I underestimated how much I should have bundled up given the breeze. I was freezing. I was also grumpy because that is sometimes what I do when things don’t make sense to me. The restaurant didn’t take reservations but you could call ahead to get in the queue. We did. They said the wait would be two hours but to show up in one hour. Why?! I cannot comprehend the reason I needed to be there in the chilly breeze instead of snug in our place a short drive away. While I was being cold and disgruntled, Sarah was doing her version of cartwheels and running around with her arms stretched out, saying she was a super hero. During dinner, which was delicious enough to make up for the wait and incomprehensibility, the table next to ours emptied and Sarah found it hilarious when the staff cleaned the table and the food on the floor. She was laughing so hard she could barely get her words out. 

Yesterday we took an airboat ride to see alligators! We saw so many alligators of so many different sizes. We saw a large one snapping its jaw, we saw all sizes swimming and sunning, and Amy and I were beside ourselves when we saw a cluster of babies. In the gift shop Sarah was a goof, hiding in a rack of shirts so all we could see were her legs and feet. After that adventure, Sarah wanted to nap, so Amy and I went to the ocean. Amy was her usual mermaid self, and the waves were back to their normal rather gentle selves. Once we got cold we made our way to the hot tub and pool. Amy then made two new friends, much younger than herself. I think they were five. All of them had a great time, and the parents kept thanking Amy because their kids were having such a blast. 

Easter morning began as most vacation mornings, with Sarah sleeping in all the way to 6:30 and Amy sleeping until 8. Luckily Sarah didn’t notice anything odd as she crossed the living room to get to our room to hang out, talk about foxes, and watch her show. At 8 I told Amy there was a mess to clean up and she got a knowing gleam in her eyes. Amy gracefully found many jelly beans, plastic eggs, and chocolate eggs while leaving many that were in plain sight for Sarah to find. Carl Bunny hid items in varying levels of difficulty from over easy to eggspert. The final hardest items were hard for me to find too. Once I saw them I left them for Amy to find. They were some of the best hiding spots I have ever witnessed, including a sparkly pink foil wrapped egg nestled in a pink rose. 

May you find all of your eggs.

March 24: A Big Week

This was Amy’s big week, starting with her birthday and ending with her talent show at school, for which she was an organizer and performer. She had rehearsals during and after school, and then the performances were Friday night and Saturday morning. She and two friends did a gymnastics routine, elegantly avoiding any collision with the grand piano that was on the stage. 

Monday was a big day for all of us. It was my shared snowy birthday with Amy and it was the usual packed Monday with Sarah’s piano lesson, Amy’s art class, and Sarah’s evening rehearsal. I received a wonderful massage that thoroughly ironed me out, and then had lunch at a favorite restaurant with a favorite friend. Amy’s dinner was one of her favorites, but not immediately. When Carl picked Amy up from art class they somehow got on the subject of broccoli pizza. He made her broccoli pizza as a joke, with a huge broccoli stalk on top of a piece of cold pizza. Then he helped her assemble her actual dinner of a taco. Just as he was making her 3D pizza, she was drawing a picture of broccoli pizza for him. Since she doesn’t like broccoli, this seemed like a gross creation from her perspective, but the rest of us thought it looked tasty. 

As I continue the process of closing my massage practice, I have been emptying my office. I’m feeling quite pleased with my inspiration to change our family room around so that there is room for my office desk and chair in a corner with a window in the front and to the side. This is now Amy’s art desk and I spent hours organizing materials, moving them to new locations and sharpening tons of colored pencils, and making piles of things to donate. Amy loves her new desk when our cat actually vacates the chair long enough for Amy to occupy it. 

We are having a lovely visit with Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, complete with snuggles, talk about foxes, cat videos, and a failed attempt at making spectacular Easter eggs. I saw a video online about swirling food coloring in whipped cream and putting the hard-boiled eggs in that to make them beautiful and swirly. Epic fail. Some of them have tiny tinges of green, blue, or red. But mostly they have slight tinges of brown. Nothing is vibrant, swirly, or dramatic. 

The biggest thing on my mind and heart is rehearsals for Sarah’s musical. I am wishing I had said no to the whole thing as soon as I learned the rehearsal hours and that I would be her support person. Monday she lasted all of 20 minutes before wanting to be done. She hadn’t gotten a nap so perhaps I could have predicated that she wouldn’t last long. But the show is a month away, the dance routines are fast and complicated, and she never wants to stay the whole time at rehearsal. I felt so drained and awful about it all on Monday that Carl took Sarah on Thursday, with the explicit goal of lasting the whole time. He talked to her a lot about how if she actually wants to do this thing she needs to be at rehearsals, but that she can still change her mind if she isn’t having fun. She continues to insist that she wants to do it. Thursday they did persevere and she made it through. Carl is taking her to rehearsal this afternoon, which will also be a challenge. It’s not late at night but she hasn’t made it the whole three hours since her first Sunday rehearsal. When we try practicing the dance numbers at home she gets tired and whiny and doesn’t want to do it after just a few minutes of the simple moves. We have yet to get to the speedy complicated moves. I feel like we are in way over our heads and I just want to somehow get to May and maybe miraculously this will come together. But it won’t be a miracle. It will be us working our butts off along with Sarah. Part of the hard part is just keeping Sarah in the right mental and emotional state to do this. I feel so tense and anxious about this that I don’t feel like a good helper at all. Tomorrow I start a zoom support group for parents like me who have run Son-Rise Programs, so we want to be in that mindset but have challenges as all parents do. I certainly have a challenge and certainly want help to keep myself mentally clear. Basically, Carl and I realized we need to keep working towards the goal but always with the flexible ease of being willing to have Sarah drop the musical at any point. But whenever she starts protesting I get all tense too. This is hard. I know that we can do hard things but I’m not sure I can do this hard thing.