February 22

Sometimes I feel like I am weeding a garden as I continue to strive towards more loving responses to my family, especially Sarah. Yesterday I noticed a moment when I was attempting to mask judgement and frustration but I think I was just mean and that Sarah probably felt it. I didn't like it, but I am glad to have noticed it so that I can hopefully not repeat it in that exact form. My garden here is mostly flowers, but there are definitely still some weeds with broad root structures.

On Tuesday I took Sarah to the library with me to pick up a book that was being held for me. I took her to the shelves of held books and off-handedly mentioned that we were looking for my name. She pointed to the book with my name before I had found it! I nearly fell over right then and there. I didn't know she knew my name in print, though I am sure I wrote it in past SR sessions.

My latest success with the word and math cards, when Sarah is otherwise engaged but I feel like I need to get them done for the timing of the day, is to say I have items to go in her dump truck. One of her favorite songs now is about a dump truck ("It's so cozy to ride in my dump truck"). I give her the card while I say what it is and then she places it to one side of herself. Or sometimes we have a game of squishing words. Earlier in the week during my SR time, Sarah and I went through the entire box of retired words taking turns squishing them (pressing down on the flat surface). For most of hers I would hold it out so she could read it before I gave it to her to squish. As with other opportunities for her to show what she knows, she gets most of them right and a few wrong. When she gets a word wrong she is always saying a word that starts with the same letter as the card I am holding. Carl pointed out that this is a huge success to have her looking at the initial letter to help her know the word. She didn't always do this. I think she is ready for any future cards that I make to be smaller than the huge cards that I made initially. When we play squishing or dump truck games I think it is too hard to read the word when it is so close to her. I'm excited about recognizing this because when we began I didn't know how I would know when it was time to shift the size. The words will still be large but they will be more like the ones that came with the How to TeachYour Baby to Read kit.

Amy still mostly averts her eyes when I do words but now she also covertly peaks or asks to see a specific word that she liked. 

I have started having 1 small math session each day where I show addition equations with the dot cards. So far so good in terms of interest. Even if the specifics aren't remembered I think this is still a good demonstration of the concept.

Yesterday Carl took a wood building kit into his SR session and guided Sarah through the process of making a box. He said she improved her technique and purposefulness as the session continued. 

On Monday my stepmother asked me what I would do with time just for me. At first I thought I get plenty of that, and I do, but I often fill it with productivity rather than something that might feel indulgent. So I took some time to write while my parents were with the girls. I have always loved e.e. cummings' "the greedy the people" so I used that as my inspiration for the following poem.

The tired the parents
(as when as can more)
they cook and they clean
and they try for because
though the kids in their playroom
say Come

The busy the frazzled
(as now as can then)
they plan and they pack
and they turn for a hug
when the kids in their rumples
say Now

The happy the parents
(as snuggled as tested)
they indulge and set limits
to tears and to screams
though the laundry in its piles
says Fold

The creative the parents
(as sing as can dance)
they think and they play
and they plan for until
while the kids in their growing
say How

The weary the parents
(as proud as can be)
they strive and they slump
and they bow to a guess
while the kids in their love
say Why

February 15

We began today with another wonderful group meeting. Every time I think about our amazing team of people I am just stunned at what a gift these people bring into my (our) life. Such love, dedication, creativity, thoughtfulness, and openness. We talked about what we bring to our sessions in terms of our intentions and thoughts ahead of time. We talked about how we deal with challenging moments when things don't feel like they are going easily and how it is good to be genuine and give ourselves a minute or two of a break of nothing if we need it. After all, that is very similar to what Sarah achieves for herself when she isms. 

We also had wonderful Grammy and Granddad babysitters! Sarah is extra excited to have Granddad around and we are slowly making progress with her learning to ask to snuggle with him without fake crying or truly working herself into a state of upset.

Yesterday Carl gave the girls valentines with a few words on the back. Sarah read hers all by herself except for the word "from." Wow!! She read "To Sarah (from) Dad. I love you." The word packs continue to go well and whenever I give Sarah the option to read them she chooses to do so and often knows all of them except for the newest word. Sometimes she knows even the newest word after only learning it once. Sometimes there is confusion when two words are slightly similar (Piggie/piano, snake/sneeze). One day I dumped out several retired words and pretended they were snow that we had to shovel. I asked her to shovel specific words to me and she did at least 10 before wanting to switch to number snow.

Number cards continue to be the favorite item. Sometimes we use them to build the outline of a small house, sometimes she pretends my arm is a door (this started with a volunteer) and she goes back and forth as often as she does when she plays with real doors. Sometimes she takes numbers to the moon.

The math dot cards seem a bit more challenging than the word cards so I don't often ask Sarah if she wants to read them, though perhaps I should do so more often and then maybe slow my rate of changing the cards (though only two number cards get retired per day and two new ones added). Sarah does seem to have a general sense of when the amounts is smaller vs larger.

We do bit cards of information almost each day now and so far they are all about inventors. When we are done I put the card in the back of the pile. Amy commented recently, "Maybe tomorrow we can learn who he is. We don't even know what his name is or when he was born or what he printed." Wow! I am so impressed with Amy's generalizing the types of information we learn.

Sonia did a small science project with the girls involving cups of sand, dirt, clay, and rocks with cards for labels. On the second day, Sonia put out the cups and gave the cards to Sarah to see if she remembered where they went. Sarah did all of them perfectly.

Sarah has been having lots of itchy skin areas so I have backed off some of the newer foods and I reduced some of the supplements just in case that will help. This may all be a reaction to a banana that I tried for her recently, hoping that she could eat bananas again. I think not yet.

When Sarah arrived at gymnastics on Tuesday she said loudly and enthusiastically, "hi guys!" just like R. does when we see her and her kids for playdates. Sonia says that Sarah continues to do new things at gymnastics that she used to not feel comfortable doing.

For Sarah's school Valentine party her class was having ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles. I made an equivalent that she could have and she ate every bite. As Carl pointed out, these efforts on my part not only help Sarah feel included but perhaps they help other people see her as less different, if that makes sense. Sure she can't eat what everyone else does, but she can eat something that looks the same and can be called the same thing.

I hope you are all having a snuggly Sunday. 

February 8

I am aware that there are a million therapies, diets, and treatments available to try for anyone with developmental/autistic/gut challenges. What is fascinating to me is how I often have felt I should try xyz that other families were trying and raving about, but for whatever reason I would feel overwhelmed and draggy at the thought of adding something more, so then I didn't add anything. A couple times I attempted to add something but then didn't actually start or continue implementing whatever it was. And then... I heard about the How to Teach Your Baby to Read, which I have mentioned in the past two updates. Suddenly I wanted to add this new thing. It seemed perfect for Sarah and for me and our life. I have energy to implement it and it feels relatively easy and fun. People are so different and this is a good reminder for me that it is ok, advisable even, to wait until something speaks to me so loudly that the path is clear and exciting. There is no reason to force something that doesn't fit. Forcing comes out of fear. Following something that feels exciting comes from hope. Perhaps this is all obvious, but it is something I can forget.

We continue to do our word packs and have also had play times in the SR room with the retired words. Sarah and G. made soup with the words, adding "carrots" and "salt." Then Sarah added "the," and G. cracked up with delight (as did I while observing remotely). Sarah is so good at thinking outside the box with intentional playfulness, not limiting herself to words that usually would be in soup.

Yesterday I began the How to Teach Your Baby Math program. This is a similar approach to the word cards in terms of how I show Sarah cards with information. The first several days have cards with dots of varying numbers. Then as I build in more of those cards (retiring old cards and adding new on a daily basis so there are only a 5 in each pack), I will also begin showing addition and then eventually subtraction, multiplication, and division. I have no idea if this will work since she isn't a baby, but when I showed her the first pack of dot cards she had a delighted grin on her face, just as she did when I started the word cards.

Inspired by this method of teaching in tiny moments, today I began writing practice in a similar way. My goal is that three times a day I will give her a blank paper and ask her to write a given letter or number, with hand-over-hand or verbal guidance as needed. The first session went well and she seemed quite pleased to do it. I feel like this approach to teaching Sarah just fell into my lap and I am so very grateful to the friend who mentioned it, to the people who developed it, to Carl for supporting each new thing I want to do, and to me for recognizing that this could be an effective path and running with it. I am so thankful to the Son-Rise Program for giving me the framework and support for trying new things, trusting myself, and continuing to help Sarah with social connection overall. 

Lately when Amy cries, Sarah pretends to be on the phone and says, "Hello. Amy is sad." 

Sarah can now read the book I made for her birthday with minimal help. Yay!

I have felt generally successful with attending to my own use (body/mind) and I think it has helped me become even more effective when giving massages and more effective at not reacting to the girls in anger when I might usually do so. This is not a constant, but it has definitely helped in certain situations. I am mainly focusing on thinking from my hands back into my back and whole self. When I have my hands on someone then I have the sense that my hands are emptying of anything except an invitation to expand into space. I have this same intention with the girls even when I'm not touching them, mainly to hold onto my own sense of a grounded self while giving them space to be where they are and perhaps choose more ease. One one occasion with Sarah in the SR room this gave me the space to see her whiney upset as a veil and I could glimpse her behind it, which gave me more space of my own to react with creativity instead of defensiveness. Instead of telling her firmly that she had to wait till later to watch something I grabbed her playfully and said, "is that any way to talk to your mother?!" We had some nice snuggles and laughs together after that.

During another SR session it became clear that she was in a very exclusive mode and it was time for me to join. Initially I felt annoyed and resistant because I wanted to connect. I talked myself through why joining is good and how it is like watching her movie with her, just as I enjoy watching movies with Carl. I acclimated and felt good about the joining. Then after a few minutes Sarah was ready for connection and she initiated making a number pizza. Because I had gotten myself feeling relaxed and comfortable, I think I had more creative flexibility so I started pretending the number pizza cards had really stringy cheese. I pulled my face away from the card while making an exaggerated face. Sarah cracked up. When she is fully laughing and delighted there is nothing better. I will make faces over and over again to see her sweet laughing face. This time was a great reminder for me of the importance of joining instead of forcing connection. Joining is the way in. Comfortable, relaxed, creativity is the way out (out of exclusivity, into inclusive connection).

Over Christmas I added a new food to Sarah's diet and it seems to be ok to keep it. I am so pleased! We have added Beanitos chips. These are chips made from beans and rice with a little bit of oil and salt. Sarah loves them. We all do. I love love love being able to buy snacks. I also love making all the things I make, but it feels luxurious to have something I can buy that is ready to go and that also feels more normal in terms of dietary options. 

A culinary success that Carl and I have been enjoying is sunflower seed cake (my usual eggless adaptation from the recipe in Internal Bliss) with cardamom and blueberries (my change). In my old life of using flour, sugar, butter, and eggs, I used to make blueberry cardamom bread that was super delicious. I recently bought floss that smells like cardamom so that inspired me to try to make a currently acceptable version of blueberry cardamom bread. Here is the recipe. It is grain-free, egg-free, dairy-free, refined-white sugar-free.

Soak 2 1/2 cups sunflower seeds for at least 4 hrs. Drain and rinse. 

Heat oven to 350. Grease pan (8x8 for moister cake, 11x9 for slightly drier cake). Take bag of frozen blueberries out of freezer.

In a food processor, blend sunflower seeds to a lumpy paste.

Add 4 tbsp flax meal plus 8 tbsp water (or you could do 4 eggs)

Add 3 tsp ground cardamom

Add 1/3 cup maple syrup

Add 2 tbsp coconut oil

Blend again.

In a bowl, combine by hand the blueberries and the sunflower seed mixture. Put in baking pan. Bake for 60 ish minutes. 

Yesterday I made chocolates in the shape of hearts, rectangles, and lollipops. I wrapped them in red foil that I found at a kitchen store. I am so excited about this! Even when I am the one that wrapped them it is still exciting to unwrap them. The girls love them. I also changed my usual recipe by using maple syrup instead of honey and I like the taste much better. No eating restrictions are going to limit Valentine's Day candy options for my Sarah! (the girls get to have two shapes per day or one lollipop). I suppose I should limit myself similarly or else we won't have any left for tomorrow. 

We have been making some Valentines. Amy is very thorough and likes to cover the front and sometimes back of her work entirely. Sarah is much less thorough and every time I ask her who something is for she says, "Sarah." At least her first Valentine had a different designation (Sonia). I had a vision of Sarah making Valentines for all of her volunteers and writing their names herself. I am attempting to stay relaxed and let her do what she wants rather than imposing my own desires. This may mean that she doesn't actually make many Valentines at all. And that is ok. 

We have been renovating our basement bathroom and with each step of the process Carl takes the girls on a bathroom explorer trip. It is now done enough that Sarah could just be down there while Carl worked. Sarah wanted her tools (she got a tool bag for Christmas) and she pretended to fix the bathroom floor with her hammer, pliers, and screw driver. So cute!

Sonia and I took the girls on a field trip to the art museum and we all enjoyed it. Wednesday night Sarah had a reaction to something (we don't know what) that gave her some hives and a red face for a while. I postponed going to Zumba until I felt like it was clearly not an emergency. She was fine. My adrenals had a work out. For our Thursday field trip I knew I didn't want to go anywhere that challenged my fears and almost all field trip places have some element that scares the pants off me (zoo - super long escalator or elevator to very high platform; a child has died by falling into an animal enclosure. science center - spiraling walk way to get between floors - what if the girls climbed over the railing and plunged to their death? history center - all of their stairs freak me out. children's center -didn't want to deal with the water room and general crowded chaos. aviary - ok! but I wanted something new. Phipps - stairs again.). Anyway, I digress. I know this may seem ridiculous and these fears are usually something I override and handle, but after the hives scare I didn't want to pressure myself. Thus, the art museum, where I didn't remember it well enough to be scared. Now I can add it to my list of places that have scary stairs. Sigh. I'm glad there are people in my life who seem less terrified than I am by these things. With Carl and Sonia by my side we will at least continue to take the girls to interesting places even if there are parts that I fear. 

Something we are working on but not certain about how to change is Sarah's nightly routine of waking up, getting tucked in, waiting a few minutes and then screaming, "ah! mommy! mommy! mommy!" Then she says she had a bad dream. But she hadn't gone back to sleep to have that dream. Several months ago she actually did have a bad dream and screamed as she woke and we came running because this was so unusual. Now she keeps trying to have us come running. We don't. In this chess match of moves, we then offer to take her to the potty. Silence. Then she tries again to call loudly for us. We offer to take her to the potty. Silence. Then she gets up and comes into our room. Carl offers to take her to the potty. She says she wants to go to bed. He tucks her in. He tells her if she calls out again we will take her to the potty. Usually this is the end of things. Last night we considered changing our initial move to be taking her to the potty when she calls out the first time. Maybe this will be enough of a change to alter the script.

Much love to all of you. May you all have things you are excited about as you move toward your goals.