Sarah and I have had more of our massively hard times together. I feel so weary of it all, as if I’m trying to drive but I have only fumes left in the tank. I am refilling it, but slowly. A couple of days ago it felt like we were having emotional wrestling matches and I was in the ring giving up but every time I thought we were done then we would re-engage. After two rounds then Sarah wanted to snuggle. She sat on me. After a couple of minutes she bounced in a way that hurt so I said that it hurt and asked her not to do it again. She laughed and did it more. I didn’t respond calmly to that. I felt done but with no escape in that moment. Yes, I can get sitters but you can’t just magic a sitter into being present instantly. And sometimes these moments feel like they come out of nowhere and blindside me. I feel like Charlie Brown with the football, as if somehow I should know better that any seemingly easy moment could turn at the drop of a hat, but I keep expecting things to just go smoothly. And often they do. The girls have had many moments lately of easily playing together for hours at a time. I know the rough moments are actually short in duration and a small percentage of our overall experience, but in the moment it can be hard to remember that.
I am relearning that I need to map out my weekly time more carefully, as I used to do in pre-parenting days. I used to know how many massages I could give in a day or week and how many was too many. I knew that if I exceeded my limit one week then the next week needed to be light. I don’t have that figured out for myself now because half of my work is teaching and often teaching or giving a massage can feel rejuvenating. Some weeks I can handle a high level of busyness and other weeks I can’t, but I can’t necessarily tell ahead of time which is which. I also know that when Sarah and I struggle that is more fatiguing than anything. So I’m not quite sure of the chicken or the egg, but I am now looking ahead at my weeks and blocking time out when I’m not allowed to work. Or rather, I’m not allowed to do my occupational work. I need that time to do my home work so that I don’t feel out of control with life and thus stressed, with less flexible ease for my children.
Amy has had more wonderful moments of helping Sarah with her homework. And we have had more rough walks home after we get Amy from school, where Amy directs any upset from the school day at Sarah, no matter what she is doing or not doing. Sometimes Sarah ignores her and other times she antagonizes in the big-sister way that she does. Or Sarah decides to push at my boundaries (getting too close to a steep drop-off in the woods or spitting at everything). In those moments I just wish I could teleport us home.
On the plus side, I marvel that Sarah has a piano recital today. Her third! She will get up in front of a crowd, bow, play her piece, pause part-way through to say something to her teacher about what one of both of them is wearing, finish her piece, possibly singing along, bow, and come back to her seat. Then she will most likely try to roam through the seating area and the doors of the church while I hope she will not do or say anything too loud or disruptive. But still! It is still amazing that she continues to learn new piano pieces and can perform them. Sarah also did her homework easily this morning, writing about her piano recital and that she will wear her scarf to it.
To help divert Sarah when she is in a mode of wanting to pick up everything in the kitchen, I made a sensory bin of dried beans and peas. She loves it. It hasn’t yet been put to the kitchen test, but I’m glad to have it as a possibility.
Sarah just asked Amy to go upstairs to play. Amy said yes. Sarah replied, “Come on, vamanos.” Many moments are so easy and wonderful I am stunned. These moments happen just as often or more often than the hard times.
I’m feeling very human this morning, and very repetitive with these stories of struggles. I feel like I should apologize because I’m supposed to be inspiring, but my main aim is just to share our real moments. I just wish I could fill more weeks with the amazing real moments instead of the hard real moments.
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