October 6

I’m in England for more of my Alexander Technique continuing education. It is as amazing as ever and I have had some profound insights into my patterns of tension. The most humbling and helpful to recognize is my full-body engagement regarding planning/managing/scheduling/being on time, etc. I’m very good at all of that, but I would like to let go of my eye, jaw, shoulder, forearm, hip patterns (especially on my right side) that seem to think they are needed for me to be myself in that way. 

Before I left to come here I did my usual Wednesday all the way through taking the girls to gymnastics. So far it has been an easier experience with Sarah than it sometimes has been. This past Wednesday offered challenges but I felt like I navigated them smoothly. When Sarah got a bit frustrated and spit on the mat, I wiped it off and then we went to the bathroom so she could spit in the sink. I didn’t yell or get tight because I knew that would make it worse. I always know it will make it worse so the miracle was that I could actually remain calmer. I also kept reminding her that if she needed a break that was totally ok and just to use her words to tell me. Perhaps because this was our last time together for over a week, I was determined that we wouldn’t go down in the flames of a fight. 

Amy was very sad about my going and hugged me tightly and tearfully. Sarah hugged me but her tears were clearly just copying those of Amy rather than her real feelings. 

Overall I have been appreciating how loved and supported I am in so many ways, here with my England group and with so many people from my life overall. I can imagine the voices of so many people stepping in to help me let go of my tension or to stop criticizing myself. When I was noticing my tension pattern around how I live so much of my organized life, I could hear my mom’s voice pointing out that it wasn’t remarkable that I had the tension pattern. What was remarkable was to notice it and step out of it for even a moment. 

The Tuesday before I left, Sarah and I were having an altercation because I happened to go upstairs during her time with Sc. Sarah was in the bathroom and preparing to dip her toothbrush in the soap dish to make a smoothie. If I hadn’t arrived then she probably wouldn’t have proceeded but with me telling her not to then, of course, she was determined. As my tension escalated, Sc offered to take over. What a wonderful moment. I just dropped my tension and went back to what I had been doing. So as I note my tension pattern now and how it can activate just with my imagination, I can also channel Sc, imagining her offering to take over and then I can let go of my tension. 

When I get anxious thinking about some aspects of travel, I just imagine Carl and how he so calmly figures out what we need to do and where we need to go. 

I feel so grateful to be so loved and supported by so many people. When I start criticizing myself with a fine tooth comb, I’ve been reminding myself that somehow all of these people love me anyway and perhaps I could trust them. Perhaps they know better than I about some matters. 

Thank you to all of you who contribute to the kind voices in my head and the loving support of my world. It really helps. I hope that my voice can be a kind presence in your head if you need it. 

Thank you to those making my time away possible. It is an immense gift to be here.