October 27

Sarah has now changed her energy/mode at least two more times since that first tiny enormous miraculous moment. I think it helps me stay calmer to know there is a possibility of a quick shift. My staying calmer probably helps the quick shift. I can now reference the times when she has shifted successfully. We have also had massively tough moments sometimes (yesterday), just like usual. But still. The main thing is that sometimes the usual path has changed and that is so incredible.

Sarah has a new swim teacher as of a few weeks ago. She is amazing and is full of Sarah-Rise energy. She celebrates Sarah so fully and energetically, it helps me remember how I want to be more often. Amy’s swimming is getting ever more fluid and strong. When she breaths she isn’t gasping for several seconds. She is also excited when the timing works so she can watch when Sarah takes her turns in the water. 

Yesterday I had a plan of taking the girls to a place so we could all get flu shots. I didn’t think to call ahead because it has been fine the last two years. But yesterday they didn’t have the kids’ size. The place across the street couldn’t administer to 8 year olds. Our usual pediatrician only offers them when my girls are in school or have after-school things. Argh! This all felt way more frustrating than I thought it should so I reached my emotional limit and needed to cry in the car for a few minutes. When I told this to the girls, Sarah said, “ok, Mom.” That was so nice. They were just quiet. When Sarah started fake-laughing I realized that maybe she wasn’t making fun of me. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up. I told her she didn’t need to cheer me up, that just giving me silent space was helpful. So she gave me more silence. Then we went to Millie’s for ice cream. That had been the original plan, to console the girls after flu shots. Instead we used it for flu-shot failure. We all felt better afterwards. 

Sarah had a playdate with her friend J. I stayed instead of just dropping Sarah off because that made sense for our timing and J’s mom is a friend of mine. It was great hearing some of the kid interactions. Then there was a chunk of clothing fixation because Sarah found a pair of J’s capri pants that Sarah decided she needed in her size. I stayed calmer and more in my body than I sometimes do. It still floors me with amazement sometimes when I notice that Sarah has 2 friends that are kids. That may seem like a small number, but I used to wonder if the number would ever surpass 0, so 2 seems rather large, with infinite possibility.

Last night I hosted a Halloween-themed sleepover for two neighborhood friends, which went well overall, but had more hiccoughs than a usual playdate or sleepover (not on Sarah’s part though). Sarah eventually opted for her own bed, meaning that she got the best sleep of anyone in the house. How did my parents survive my having sleepovers?! They should be called awake-overs. Still, as with the fact that Sarah has peer friends, it amazes me and fills my heart that Sarah can be part of sleep-overs, even if she opts out of the sleep arrangements. When her friend D put on Minnie Mouse pajamas, Sarah zoomed upstairs to put on her own Minnie pajamas. Later, D was reading out loud and Sarah sat down to listen. 

May you have friends that help you remember infinite possibility.

October 20

We had a tiny enormous miracle this week, the sort where I remind myself that if it could happen once then it might happen a second time. The background... Sarah and I had some rough moments together on Wednesday. It started when she went to get dressed that morning, the first morning that pants (rather than shorts) were required for school. But there were no khaki pants in the drawer. I can’t for the life of me figure out where they could have gone, unless we somehow accidentally gave them away when we were getting rid of lots of things that no longer fit. Except these pants still fit. And I am prepared. I am not the person that this situation happens to! But, here we were. Sarah, who had been complaining that she wanted to wear shorts, suddenly switched to desperate screaming and crying because she wanted the khaki pants. The bus was due in about 15 minutes. I looked everywhere I could think of to no avail. Eventually we calmed enough and she wore her gym sweatpants, even though it wasn’t her gym day. She was ready for the bus, minus hair and teeth brushing. I tried to order more pants from Target, but they don’t have them in her size at this time of year. I ordered some from amazon, but she has yet to try them on. I went to a used clothing store and they had none in her size. Her teacher sent home the back-up pair from school. So we have one pair. Her extra gym sweatpants are now the backup school pants. This was our first rough moment.

The second rough time was when it was time to get Amy, and Sarah wanted to wear her fall coat but was struggling with the snaps and not accepting help but also not leaving and we needed to leave to get Amy. Timing isn’t ample on Wednesday between getting Amy from Girls on the Run and getting the girls home, fed, and dressed for gymnastics and then off to gymnastics. So I wasn’t at my most relaxed and neither was Sarah. But we made it. We even had some good follow-up discussion and snuggles. After gymnastics when the girls were getting ready for bed, Sarah was again having a hard time. She was trying to use my toothbrush and being rough with things in the bathroom and spitting and fake laughing. Carl and I were trying to get her to just brush her teeth and stop with the other things. We said the things we often say about pointing out the choices she was making and how all she needed to do to change things was put the toothpaste down gently. The miracle? She did! She totally, instantly changed her energy. She put the toothpaste back normally. She stopped spitting and laughing. She just brushed her teeth. We celebrated her hugely, saying how proud we were of her. Amy gave her a huge hug. Really, this was an enormous tiny moment.  

Amy didn’t have school on Monday or Tuesday. I didn’t see any clients and we had a great time hanging out together. It was the perfect way to ease back into being on this side of the Pond.

Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are visiting this weekend. We are having a lovely time. The girls love to play pretend with Mom-Mom, though sometimes they disagree on what pretend scenario is occurring. Sarah wanted to play in the snow. Amy corrected her that they were going to play in a camper. I love how seriously they take their pretend scenes.. We all (except Sarah) wanted to go for a walk yesterday. Sarah likes signs that have a circle and  a line indicating that something isn’t allowed. Earlier in the day, Amy made a sign to say “No dancing penguins wearing pink diapers.” You should see Sarah’s dancing as she pretends to be a penguin in a pink diaper! It is hilariously fantastic. So, to encourage Sarah to go on a walk, Amy drew a picture of Sarah in her coat and pants, with a line over them to say “No Sarah dressed in warm clothing going outside.” It didn’t work, although Carl did eventually persuade her to go outside for a little while. 

Amy and Mom-Mom were snuggled on the sofa, each doing their own thing. Amy wrote a letter to Sarah, who was sitting a couple of feet away looking at a photo book. Amy’s letter read, “Dear Sarah, Would you please come and visit me? Mom-Mom is visiting and she won’t see you intill Chrismes, and that is soooo far away. So please will you come and see me? Answer here __________. Love, Amy.”

May your inner penguin wearing a pink diaper have a lovely time dancing today.

October 13

I am safely home after a wonderful time in England. My class was amazing and I learned so much. Then I spent a few days with my wonderful friend E. We went on a bus tour for a day to see Stonehenge and the Roman Baths at Bath (pronounced Baahth). The next day we walked around Notting Hill, found some great items of clothing at a vintage market (apparently 1970s means vintage - does that mean I am vintage?), and did a chocolate tasting/making experience. Travel home yesterday went smoothly and I have restocked my supply of snuggles. There’s nothing quite like having two children climbing and draping themselves on you and giving you chin presses for minutes on end. Sarah also repeatedly asked if I brought them presents. Sometimes I miss the mark with presents, but this time I hit it well. I got Amy a scarf that is pink and has white cats on it. Sarah received a white scarf with black musical notes on staffs with the treble clef. She loves it. She spreads it out on my bed and looks at it and talks about it. They also love the Jaffa Cakes with "the smashing orangey bit."

Yesterday the girls had taken their baths (baahths?) and done hair washing. Except Sarah’s hair didn’t get the shampoo fully rinsed out, so when we noticed this we had to fix the situation, much to Sarah’s loud chagrin. She tried to rinse it on her own at the sink but then she got shampoo in her eyes. We tried to help and managed to rinse out enough, but Sarah was screaming and crying. When she came down to dinner a bit later she told me she was sorry that she didn’t like showers! Oh, my dear girl! I told her she didn’t need to apologize for that and that it is totally ok that she doesn’t like showers. Still, it is nice that she realized it was a difficult time in part because she didn’t just get in the tub and use the shower to rinse her hair. I also had to assure Amy that we weren’t mad or disappointed in her because of Sarah’s shampoo situation, since it was Amy in charge of bath time, but then rinsing got tricky because of shampoo in the eyes at that moment too. 

I’m so grateful to have had my time away and I’m so glad to be back and to really feel that I’m an important part of things here. I mean, of course I am, but now I can feel it more comfortably rather than as a stressful load of too much (that may kick in in a few days). Of course everyone managed beautifully without me, but things are certainly easier when I’m here. Whenever I come back from being away I notice that Amy’s feelings are a little closer to the surface. She is more quick to cry. I think maybe she holds it all together a bit when I’m gone and then needs some days to let it out once I’m home. I soak it all up and it comes with extra snuggles. At least for a few hours yesterday and so far this morning, I’ve been able to still feel the spacious, flexible, grounded support within myself and my world that I felt increase during my class with all that I learned. The trick is to be able to write that and then still feel it after I send this update!

Also, how is it that when I’m gone for a week my children grow up by a year??

Lots of love to all of you.

October 6

I’m in England for more of my Alexander Technique continuing education. It is as amazing as ever and I have had some profound insights into my patterns of tension. The most humbling and helpful to recognize is my full-body engagement regarding planning/managing/scheduling/being on time, etc. I’m very good at all of that, but I would like to let go of my eye, jaw, shoulder, forearm, hip patterns (especially on my right side) that seem to think they are needed for me to be myself in that way. 

Before I left to come here I did my usual Wednesday all the way through taking the girls to gymnastics. So far it has been an easier experience with Sarah than it sometimes has been. This past Wednesday offered challenges but I felt like I navigated them smoothly. When Sarah got a bit frustrated and spit on the mat, I wiped it off and then we went to the bathroom so she could spit in the sink. I didn’t yell or get tight because I knew that would make it worse. I always know it will make it worse so the miracle was that I could actually remain calmer. I also kept reminding her that if she needed a break that was totally ok and just to use her words to tell me. Perhaps because this was our last time together for over a week, I was determined that we wouldn’t go down in the flames of a fight. 

Amy was very sad about my going and hugged me tightly and tearfully. Sarah hugged me but her tears were clearly just copying those of Amy rather than her real feelings. 

Overall I have been appreciating how loved and supported I am in so many ways, here with my England group and with so many people from my life overall. I can imagine the voices of so many people stepping in to help me let go of my tension or to stop criticizing myself. When I was noticing my tension pattern around how I live so much of my organized life, I could hear my mom’s voice pointing out that it wasn’t remarkable that I had the tension pattern. What was remarkable was to notice it and step out of it for even a moment. 

The Tuesday before I left, Sarah and I were having an altercation because I happened to go upstairs during her time with Sc. Sarah was in the bathroom and preparing to dip her toothbrush in the soap dish to make a smoothie. If I hadn’t arrived then she probably wouldn’t have proceeded but with me telling her not to then, of course, she was determined. As my tension escalated, Sc offered to take over. What a wonderful moment. I just dropped my tension and went back to what I had been doing. So as I note my tension pattern now and how it can activate just with my imagination, I can also channel Sc, imagining her offering to take over and then I can let go of my tension. 

When I get anxious thinking about some aspects of travel, I just imagine Carl and how he so calmly figures out what we need to do and where we need to go. 

I feel so grateful to be so loved and supported by so many people. When I start criticizing myself with a fine tooth comb, I’ve been reminding myself that somehow all of these people love me anyway and perhaps I could trust them. Perhaps they know better than I about some matters. 

Thank you to all of you who contribute to the kind voices in my head and the loving support of my world. It really helps. I hope that my voice can be a kind presence in your head if you need it. 

Thank you to those making my time away possible. It is an immense gift to be here.