July 28

We have been in Leavenworth, WA for a wedding. Thanks to food and iPods, the flights went easily, if sometimes messily. For the first flight, Carl had been given seat far away from the girls and me, because our flight plans to get home are different. He gave that seat to me!! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. He also traded because on Tuesday the girls and I fly home on our own. Fingers crossed. This should be fine, but every once in a while Sarah has a meltdown at really inconvenient times. 

Unfortunately on the way west, Carl’s suitcase didn’t arrive in Seattle when we did. Luckily we would only need to wait two hours for it. We picked up our rental camper and got some groceries and then the suitcase. We knew we were going to have a long day, but the suitcase hiccup added little delays to everything which then meant we were leaving at rush hour for a 2 1/2 hour drive. And we would not arrive in time for dinner, so we stopped for fast food along the way. We did arrive at our destination in time to be dressed for the party by 9pm. That is midnight in Pittsburgh. Our day began at 5am. So this was one seriously long day, especially for Sarah because she doesn’t nap in cars or planes. The girls and I went to bed at 10pm (aka 1pm according to our bodies). 

Our camper was a vintage yellow camper called Purdy. It had a double bed and bunks and a tiny kitchen (though we didn’t have electricity hookups where we were). We all slept relatively well Friday, although Sarah woke with a start many times and couldn’t find the pillow that was so close to her. Once she fell out of bed. She was on the bottom bunk so she was fine. It did make for a fitful night, but that is not unusual even at home. 

Saturday we had an amazing day with just one spot of trouble. We went into the town of Leavenworth and played in the river for hours. It was the perfect temperature to keep us cool in the heat. The water was clear. The stones were polished and rounded. There were deeper spots for swimming too, but the girls mostly stayed in the shallows. The mountains were around us. It was sunny and gorgeous. Then we went to a German restaurant for lunch. We had hoped for live polka music but were too early in the day. That didn’t stop Sarah from getting on the dance floor, announcing a show, and doing a few dance moves. Then we walked to get some of the best ice cream in the best cones. At this point we had used up our buffer time so we headed back to camp for a ten minute rest before getting ready to attend the wedding ceremony. 

This could have been fine, but after a short nap Sarah was struggling. She put on her new dress but then her dress shoes (that I’d made her test at home) now hurt. Then nothing was right and she was taking off everything and screaming. Carl tried his magic while Amy and I finished getting ready elsewhere. Then I took over because I really didn’t want Carl to miss the ceremony of one of his best college friends. Carl had at least succeeded in getting Sarah to wear a skort and shirt instead of pajamas. I tried pretending she was a baby panda to get her shoes on. It worked beautifully until it didn’t and the shoes came back off. I paused to just breathe. At this point she wasn’t screaming. I said how sad I was to probably miss the ceremony. She put on her shoes. We headed up to the ceremony, which luckily started after the scheduled time. It was a beautiful beautiful beautiful ceremony. The girls did a wonderful job staying seated and quiet. The rest of the evening went relatively well, with another late bedtime after some dinner, dancing, and donuts. No one fell out of bed, but Sarah’s night was still fitful until I traded spots with her. 

Today had two frustrating moments regarding Sarah and her allergies. I explained that she couldn’t have any of the pretzels that were around because they all had peanut butter. She whined about wanting pretzels, but then moved on. Later she wanted a goldfish, which is normally fine. This time I noticed that they were in a bowl with nuts, including a pecan. I told her she couldn’t have those goldfish but we could go get some from the car. When I turned from throwing away the one she had been planning on eating, she had another in her mouth. She was fine, but that was risky and isn’t how I want her to be about taking responsibility for her own allergies. Sitters and SR people, let’s work on this whole concept! 

July 21

Two milestones happened so easily and so “normally” this week that I am simultaneously almost moved to tears and almost not noticing that they happened. On Monday Sarah had a camp friend over for a play date. This is the first real play date of Sarah and a new friend (if you don’t count the early years when play dates were really about parents meeting while the kids coexisted). Amy was at camp. The play was mostly quiet and parallel, but the whole time felt amicable and Sarah wants to do it again. 

On Friday, Amy was gone for a sleepover and Sarah had a neighborhood friend over for a sleepover! This was a first for both Sarah and the friend. This neighborhood friend is notable for liking Sarah and Amy equally rather than being Amy’s friend who tries to include Sarah some of the time (which is not to be sneezed at either!). The sleepover went beautifully. Easily. In the morning they played at our house for a while and then switched to the friend’s house. Not that they haven’t done such play dates before, but still, this felt huge. And so easy as to almost miss the import. In terms of life milestones and hurdles, we have surmounted most that I deemed really rather important to me (walking, talking, eating, playing, being potty trained, reading). Having friends was the thing that I was less certain would come. Now I see that we are on the path! It’s happening! There is much for Sarah still to learn, but to have two peers who want to walk that path with her is amazing. I don’t want it to sound like a charity case to be her friend, but one does need to be flexible and comfortable with who and how she is. Which is really the truth for any of us and the friends we choose. 

Sarah lost a tooth after she was in bed one night. She got a tissue and cleaned the blood before going to tell Carl. I was out for the evening. She had the lights on and was loudly excited. Carl suggested that she could tell Amy her news in the morning. She didn’t want to wait.  Sarah climbed up on the lower bunk so her head was near Amy’s in the upper bunk and then loudly told Amy about losing a tooth. Amy slept through the whole thing. She has some serious powers! Perhaps these come from having Sarah as a sister and the frequent nights with lights on and Sarah screaming which used to be a near nightly occurrence when Amy was much younger. 

Sarah has had some rough times this week too, with big crying/screaming sessions. Luckily Carl has been around for some of them, because he often seems to stay more grounded than I do. The one time it was just me, the timing worked beautifully because I was on the phone with my mom. She easily stays grounded, present, loving, and unflapped when people need to cry. I like to think I do too, but I don’t always when it comes to Sarah. Anyway, my mom just stayed with me, often quiet, while Sarah moved through her upset. Just having that loving company helped me remember what I know so I could stay present with Sarah. So here is a reminder for all who might be on the phone with a parent when things get rough... if you don’t mind just hanging in there and witnessing the moment, your presence can really help the whole situation. Especially if you assure the person that you don’t mind and that you want to hang in there with them. 

Similarly, I appreciate all of you who read these updates. It is like you are silently on the other end of the phone, witnessing with a kind ear. 

July 14

Sarah and Amy attended new (for them) camps this past week. Amy’s continues for two more weeks, but Sarah’s was just the one week. They both loved their time. There were only two campers at Sarah’s camp and they share a birthday, just one year apart. To make transportation and timing easier for the morning drop-offs, Amy went to camp with her best friend and then I picked them up in the afternoon. That meant three kids in the back. Sarah is just tall enough to not need a booster or seatbelt-adjuster if she is in the middle seat. This is good because she refused to use the adjuster. The difficulty was that this meant Sarah was in the middle so Amy and her best friend weren’t next to each other. Amy was not happy about this, to put it mildly. She spent the first three rides home being mad at Sarah even when Sarah wasn’t doing anything except sitting and eating her snack. I have often noticed that when Amy really wants time with her best friend she has no space for Sarah and can become rather mean. It has pained my heart, but I didn’t know what to do about it. After Wednesday’s awful ride home, I sat with Amy and shared my observations about how she becomes mean in these specific situations. I didn’t know if these words made a difference, but on Thursday the ride was easy and Amy was her usual self with Sarah. She was kind. She wasn’t resenting Sarah for being present. I was amazed. 

Amy had been angling for a play date on Friday with her best friend. On Friday morning she asked if it could be a sleepover. I explained why I hesitated: Sleepovers have been the most challenging because Amy wants time just with her friend, but then Sarah is left out, and Amy becomes mean when Sarah tries to join anything. I said we could do the sleepover but requested that Amy allow for at least one activity that included Sarah. Amy immediately made a written schedule that included multiple activities that would include Sarah. Then she started setting up the SR room with sleeping bags, including Sarah’s!!!!! At first I thought it was Sarah trying to make a place for herself and I said that she wouldn’t be in there with Amy and friend. Amy corrected me. Again, I was amazed. 

The sleepover went beautifully and easily. The most challenging moment was when Sarah decided she must have a pair of pajamas she outgrew many years ago. She was crying and screaming. At 4:45am. I was grumpy and ordered her to leave the SR room and come to her room, though by this point everyone was awake. I was still grumpy. Carl joined us and proceeded to be incredibly kind, respectful, and wonderful with Sarah. I know he does this often, but I was especially impressed given the early hour. He allowed as much time as she needed to be sad about the pajamas, but he also asked if she was ready to listen to him talk about something different for a minute. This took a few tries, but then she was ready and he explained that she could go back to join the sleepover if she wanted, but that if she needed to talk about the pajamas more then she needed to be with him instead of with Amy and friend. I think I was really resisting the whole situation, resenting the early hour and the impossible pajama request, which did not leave me room to supply kindness. Carl allowed the situation rather than fighting it. It was really beautiful to witness, as his parenting so often is. 

I love how Amy gets excited on Sarah’s behalf. When we were in Philly, Amy was thrilled that Sarah got to have a KitKat for the first time in many years. That is one of Amy’s favorite treats and she was so happy to share the experience with Sarah. Similarly, Amy was extremely joyful when Sarah got to have Dippin’ Dots at the Science Center yesterday. Sarah was excited, but Amy was possibly the happier of the two.

Last week I was concerned about making swim lessons happen while Sarah had her period. We had the necessary supplies in time to make it work! She handled her whole first menses experience beautifully and almost completely independently. I love it when she surprises me with her abilities and taking new things in stride. 

May you be surrounded by kindness.

July 7

We just got back from a wonderful week visiting family in the Philadelphia area. We saw Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, Grammy and Granddad, uncles, aunts, and cousins galore. We enjoyed the Morris Arboretum, The Please Touch Museum, two playgrounds, a scavenger hunt, and the beach (although if you are from Philly you would say that we went down the shore). Overall everything went beautifully, with only the usual small hiccups of sibling squabbles and Sarah impatience. 

The girls are really great travelers so the car time was easy. We made our alphabet word game more specific. Usually each person just needs to give a word that starts with each letter. Amy had the idea to do only animals and then only food. Let me tell you, I, Q, and the end of the alphabet are challenging! We always let Sarah go first, and she frequently impressed us with the speed and variety of her words. 

This was our first trip in many years with Sarah being able to eat dairy. What a game changer. I barely needed to bring anything anywhere. We got ice cream. Yesterday she had her first heartbreaking moment of the ice cream falling off of the cone! Luckily we were still getting the rest of our order so I just got another for her. It was hot and she got covered in ice cream because it was impossible to keep up with the drips. Then we saw a storm coming and finished just in time to run to the car. 

The biggest news is that Sarah got her period for the first time. When I first got mine, my mom took me out to dinner to celebrate, presenting me with red and heart-shaped gifts. I promptly went to Target to get a few gifts for both girls, so that the celebration could be shared. I found pink tank tops and pink shorts, and bikinis that have black and white striped tops. The watermelon lip balm has been ignored, but the KitKat bars were happily snarfed. Sarah has handled everything beautifully. The only concern I have is about swim lessons tomorrow because I don’t think the special period swim wear will arrive in time. So if anyone has the power to speed the mail, please do so!