February 23

Mornings went well this week. Sleeping is going well, with everyone in their own rooms. Friday was interesting with tears on both ends. Amy was distressed Friday morning as she tried to come up with the perfect Baker outfit for her school’s Career Day. Eventually she settled for a white shirt, black pants, and an apron (and face) dusted with flour and cacao powder. 

On Tuesday Sarah evidently got the idea that she wanted her room to be polka dotted and she wanted to make it so with Sc. I ordered dot decals that are made for just that purpose. They were due to arrive Friday. When Sarah came home Friday afternoon the dots had not arrived. She had a big cry about this for 20 minutes, at which point the truck arrived and the package of dots was put into my hands! I suggested she could put the dots on her walls during her time with G, which was starting in a minute. She declined, saying she would wait until Tuesday and do it with Sc. One might ask why it was then so important that she have the dots if she wasn’t going to use them, but no answer would be forthcoming. Because of her upset, she didn’t have her usual after-school snack. She didn’t ask for one and I didn’t think to bring her one. Perhaps that is what led to her next upset about half an hour later. She was wanting to change clothes and desperately wanted her new Gymkhana t-shirt. The one I had just washed. The one that was wet.  Massive tears again. This time Amy went for snacks, but it took a while for Sarah to adjust to wearing something different. This is the second session with G. in which Sarah needed to have a big cry and G. and I both listened to her. Both times it has felt incredibly helpful to have G. there by my side. It helps me give Sarah space and time. It helps me remember that nothing is more important, especially during the time that is designated as Sarah-Rise time. That is her time. Yesterday Sarah had another big crying session while Carl and I listened to her. It always feels good when I have the space within me to give her attentive room, not needing to change anything or fix anything.

Part of what helped recently with being at ease with Sarah’s tears, and sticking with my decisions that were causing the tears, were my mom’s words from 7 years ago. She told me then that I didn’t need to let a five year old run the house. Right. So I have been reminding myself that a 12 year old doesn’t get to run the house. I get to make some decisions and stick to them and she gets to have her feelings.

I came across my mom’s words of wisdom because I am writing a book about Sarah. I have wanted to do so for years and every time I would start or even contemplate it I would feel like I was drowning in overwhelm. This time around I realized that the problem was not knowing whose story I was telling. I think I kept trying to tell my story. Or to have my words help and inspire any parent with any child similar to Sarah. Once I clarified that my purpose is to tell Sarah’s story then it became easier and more streamlined. It can still feel overwhelming and I still don’t know how exactly it will all take shape, but I am clear about my first steps of gleaning usable passages from past updates and from the session notes I used to have my volunteers write after each session. How I had completely forgotten about session notes when they were such a huge part of our life is beyond me but true. I was initially planning on keeping my writing venture a secret in case I fall on my face, but then I realized I would rather have the good energy of all of you picturing me doing this and maybe that will help it come to fruition. 

May you have all the space and time you need for your feelings.

February 16

Happy Valentine’s Day! We were all excited to dress up for the day. I woke up early to make donuts with pink frosting and chocolate chips. I also made chocolate covered strawberries for the girls to have after dinner. They are so delicious and so simple! Thanks to Grandpa for babysitting, Carl and I were able to go to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner. 

Overall the week went well. The biggest (and expected) hiccough was Thursday morning because Carl had just gotten back from a trip and Sarah really really really really really didn’t want to go to school. I felt stuck and was starting to panic when she was still in pajamas (having opted out of any breakfast) and the bus was due in ten minutes. My reasoning with her didn’t work. My threatening that if she missed the bus she wouldn’t get to watch a show when she got home didn’t phase her. Once she said that her pajamas were comfy cozy then I saw my angle and I took it, reminding her that if her love of the pajamas meant that she wouldn’t get dressed when she needed to, then the pajamas would be retired. That worked. She even had time for part of her breakfast and then went happily to school. Then the teacher called me. Apparently, this was the morning that Sarah discovered how to raise and lower her seat back on the bus, to the great annoyance of the student sitting behind her. Sigh. I suggested that the teacher remind her that if she couldn’t leave the seat alone she would have to move back to the seat behind the driver, which is where she used to sit. As far as I know, that reminder worked. We also decided to simplify her bus experience and get rid of her booster seat, since she was on the edge of not needing it anyway. This helps with her independence in getting off the bus. She has started getting off before I even get to the bus door, shutting the door herself. 

Last weekend, Sonia and I took down the climber that used to be in our family room. It was a wonderful climbing apparatus, but it was starting to break in some ways and I didn’t feel safe having it anymore. Amy was quite upset about losing it, and for a little while I thought she was going to stay on it to prevent us from removing it. Eventually she moved. It was not an easy task to get the structure down, but we prevailed and felt proud of ourselves for our success. Once I set the gymnastics mats out across the floor, the girls were thrilled to practice their tumbling. 

Sarah had a substitute teacher for her swim lesson and it helped me appreciate her usual teacher even more than I already do. It is so clear when people enjoy Sarah and when they don’t. I’m the first to admit that she can be a challenge, but I still want those who work with her to love her, appreciate her personality, believe in her ability, and push her just the right amount. Her usual teacher does all of these things in spades and so I really hope we have her back soon.

Sarah continues to bike up a storm on Zwift. I don’t know how many miles she has done total because for a short time she and I had to share an account, but I think she is doing 5-10 miles a day and definitely has done well over 100 miles in a couple of weeks. Amy has little interest, possibly because of how much Sarah likes it. While Amy used to delight in doing the same thing or wearing the same thing as Sarah, now she is furious if there is the slightest mention of them being twins or matching. She doesn’t want Sarah to be in her room ever and made herself a Cat Police badge so she could reinforce her door sign that said “Sarah and Dad” in a circle with a line through it. I think the only reason I wasn’t on that list is that I wasn’t home when she made it.

A good antidote to the frustrating moments is when I notice all of the things that used to be impossible or unthinkable that are now commonplace. Sarah takes over whenever I am making scrambled eggs. She is an expert blender of steamed cauliflower, getting a smoother texture than I do because she enjoys the process of blending so much. She can string pasta on yarn to make a necklace as if it was no challenge at all. She showers. She has two kid friends that are her friends, not just friends of Amy’s who might include her in some way. The list is immensely long if I think back to her infancy, but I will limit it to what has been of note recently. The list helps me remember that anything seemingly impossible now may at some point become so normal that I barely take heed. 

May you be full of love. May you escape eviction by the cat police. May you easily surpass whatever feels impossible.

February 9

Sarah’s birthday party was indeed a great success. Grandma played German music, Grandpa wore his stripes, Sarah only went outside without our knowledge once, Sc. did face and arm painting, the food was good, and everyone had a good time. My pictures are a bit blurry because it is hard to get good pictures of people in motion in low light.

We got the girls fully moved into their new bedrooms and the house is back in order (just don’t go in the basement). Yesterday I put the pictures and art back on their walls. I keep having visions of myself enthusiastically putting the basement back into order and then keep slumping away in despair once I actually go down and look at the piles and the bags of tiny pieces of games and toys. I will either need to set a timer for ten minute spurts or move down there for a day.

Friday we were blessed with a snow day combined with Carl being able to join us for sledding. This was the first real snow we have had this winter. 

The girls are having a good time making valentines. I know many people dislike Valentines Day. I have always loved it because my mom and I would make valentines for everyone and it was always a joyful time of making art and expressing our love to friends and family. I hope that this joyful association with the holiday can continue for Sarah and Amy as they grow.

Sarah has biked over 90 miles on Zwift in a week.  I did 5 miles yesterday.  My rear still feels it. I don’t know how she does it.

I have had some success helping Sarah calm herself after an upset or temper flare by sitting and massaging her legs or arms. It is a good reminder for me to make time and not be hurried unless there is an actual need to rush. If I take a few extra minutes with her then it seems to shift things more quickly and easily. I am also noticing more clearly in myself when I have a full tank of mom-energy and when I am at the end and really just need to sit quietly and read under snuggly blankets for a moment of stillness. This weekend I am solo parenting with the help of some sitters so keeping tabs on my personal battery charge is extra important.

Recently at the end of a gymnastics class, Sarah had a meltdown because she wanted a t-shirt and I said no. They also didn’t have her size, or so I thought. This past week she again wanted a t-shirt and I realized that she could use her birthday money and that she needed a size smaller than what I previously thought. So she very happily bought a Gymkhana t-shirt.

February 2

We finished painting the girls’ new bedrooms and yesterday began moving them into their rooms. There is still a ton to do before our house is back to some semblance of order, but we made excellent progress. Amy was ecstatic as she went to bed in her own room. Sarah was having none of it and desperately wanted to sleep in our bed, as she had been for the past week. It took many tears and conversations before she stayed in her room. 

Sarah turned 13! She has her party today. One of her favorite moments in her life so far was when we were in Disney a couple of years ago and went to a German restaurant that had a fake sky and polka music and room for dancing. So… for her party we are renting a party room in a German restaurant. We are bringing a keyboard so Grandma can play music and we are bringing the star projector Carl got Sarah for Christmas. There is a dance floor. Sarah has also been asking all year for a Clifford’s Peek-a-Boo cake, because one of her favorite books has that title. Thanks to the internet, I found edible cake and cupcake toppers with a picture of Clifford and “Clifford” and “Peek-a-Boo” printed on them.  So I think we are all set for a wonderful party.

In past years Sarah never really cared much about receiving birthday cards. This year she has been excited to open and read each card. She has also enjoyed talking with Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop and with Grammy and Granddad. She began each call by telling them “Happy Birthday!” She also has spoken often about how her teacher wrote, “Happy Birthday Sarah” on the board. Sarah went to our blackboard and wrote "Happy Birthday Sarah."

Amy created a bug costume for herself out of tissue paper, pipe cleaners, and a headband. Her creativity is amazing.

Carl has been training for a bike race and his training involves a stand that converts his bike into a stationary bike. It then connects online so he pedals through a virtual course with other people. Sarah has been fascinated. Carl got the girls a Zwift set up of their own and a new bike, since they have outgrown theirs. They pedal through various courses while watching a virtual self on the tv screen. This has taken over our living room and is well worth it. Sarah probably spent multiple hours biking yesterday. Amy did a lot too. I will even do some if we switch it to my bike. Of all the various things we have tried to get Sarah to be more active, this is the most successful so far.