March 30

Last weekend we transitioned the girls to sleeping in their own beds all night long. We had already transitioned to them going to sleep without us sitting with them and that went much more easily than we expected. For the Great Bed Transition of 2014 we purchased a new twin mattress to match the one we already had, Minnie Mouse sheets, Hello Kitty sheets and comforters, and large Hello Kitty stuffed animals. The girls were jumpingly gleeful upon seeing their new beds. They were not so thrilled about what the new beds meant and the first night involved many relocations of both girls. Night 2 involved basically no relocations, just many times of them calling out for us. Since then each night has gotten better with very few relocations and very little calling out. I think all of us are sleeping better. I am once again amazed at how easily it went. With each transition we talked to them about it in positive terms, about going to bed on their own with no grown ups allowed, and about sleeping in their bed all night with no grown ups allowed. We also were fully committed to each transition, knowing that if we weren't committed then we would have nothing,

Sarah has been practicing her buttoning and unbuttoning skills on an overshirt of mine that used to belong to Granddad. She has gotten so good that I thought it was time to get some button-down shirts in her size. She is very excited about the shirts but not so thrilled that I won't do the repetitive buttoning and unbuttoning for her. 

We sang Pete the Cat's version of "The Wheels on the Bus" together! She sang with Carl too. So far it has mainly been the alphabet in chorus so this was super exciting to sing a longer song with bigger words. I follow her lead and chime in a nano-second after she has started, but we really had some times of truly fully singing together, while looking joyfully at each other! True delight is so powerful, whether whooped loudly or silently shining out from the eyes. 

Sarah can put almost all of the cubes in the tray for the Don't Break the Ice game. For each row it is a little challenging to get the last cube in because you have to create a little extra space by holding the frame and other cubes out of the way a tiny bit. In the past she couldn't do it at all. On Friday I was playing with both girls and while I was involved with Amy, Sarah went ahead and filled a few rows! She can't do the very last one yet, but it is only a matter of time. The girls have also played several rounds of the game, taking turns hitting the cubes with a mallet. I definitely have to monitor the turns because otherwise each would just hit incessantly until all the cubes fall. Still! I love that it is almost not news anymore that the girls play games together. 

Friday night we had what felt like a quintessential family walk around the neighborhood. Amy and I held hands while walking down a brick alleyway while Sarah peddled her tricycle and Carl strolled behind Sarah. Then we went home and had homemade lasagne (with rice noodles and cheddar). It had been a while since I last saw Sarah on her trike and I was amazed at her skill with peddling. Yesterday Carl took the girls to buy new bike helmets and got Sarah a new bike. A real bike! Pink. With training wheels. She hasn't gotten to ride it outside yet because yesterday was too rainy, but she is eager to get going. Amy will try out the glider bike we have or can upgrade to the trike that Sarah had been using, which is a bit bigger than the one Amy usually rides. Amy doesn't yet get the peddling so the glider may be just the thing. 

Sarah got to eat her first real hot dog in over a year! I found some at our local co-op that meet all of our ingredient requirements. No bad reaction. YAY!!! 

I had a wonderful dialogue with M., exploring why I get so mad at the girls sometimes when they don't do what I say. I had hoped that I would uncover some belief and then *poof* I would never get mad or yell again. Not quite. The thing I love about having M.'s assistance is that she asks questions about things that I don't even notice when I'm talking about my life. I say lots of things about a situation and then expect she will ask about the last thing I said but sometimes she asks about the first thing I said and it is like finding a new window in a house where I thought there was just a wall. The upshot of the dialogue is that it is actually ok if I yell. And that I can notice what function my yelling serves and that can help me think of new ways to get what I want maybe without the yelling. It is much more freeing to tell myself it is ok to yell and I think it has perhaps resulted in slightly less yelling and less internal tightness. 

Beds, buttons, bus wheels, bikes, and love to you all.

March 23

Grammy and Granddad are visiting and we are all having a wonderful time. Sarah's favorite thing to do is sit on Granddad's lap buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt. She also worked on his shoe laces a bit. 

Last weekend we took the girls to a bookstore to use gift cards they had received for Christmas. This was their first trip to a store with their own money. As with so many outings, it was really great to have two adults because the girls had very different shopping styles and desires. Sarah bought two Olivia books that were inexpensive. Amy bought a Dora book, a doll sticker book, a Hello Kitty stuffed animal, and a Clifford stuffed animal, maxing out her gift card. It was really great to experience this first shopping trip with them, helping Amy make choices about what things to put back based on her funds, and allowing her freedom to buy whatever she wanted even if it wasn't my first choice.

Sunday night I came home from Zumba in time to overhear Sarah saying, "I love you, Amy" at bedtime!!!!!! I think that was a first. It hasn't happened again, but everything has to happen once before it can happen a second time, so this feels hugely adorably exciting.

Tuesday was my shared birthday with Amy and I had a marvelous day. I used to get caught up in keeping track of who remembered and measuring how good a birthday it was accordingly. In the past few years I have taken much more ownership over having a good day regardless of what others do and my experience is so much fuller. I had a delicious breakfast with one of my dear friends, then a pizza lunch out with Amy, and then dinner with Carl at one of my favorite restaurants. And there was lots of love from other people to top it all off. What a wonderful day!

I had a wonderful time with Sarah in the SR room. I didn't get very much official time this week but what time I did have was lovely. It was a good reminder about how important the room is for my experience, helping me let go of external responsibilities and just enjoy our time together. When I'm really present I feel like there is a magic quietness to the air in the SR room.

Recently, on multiple occasions, I have found Sarah on her own in the SR room, playing games that she recently played with volunteers. A new favorite game is making milkshakes and ice cream in our trash can (it looks like a hippo). She also enjoys lying on the floor and moving the Mr. Potato Head tent, that is very light weight, over her head while saying, "up, down, left, right." 

As I write, I am hearing lots of yelling from Sarah. There are daily periods of loud yelling, which is nothing new. They are often short but they are still loud. Wednesday night was bath night and hair-washing night. And yelling night. Sarah yelled a ton every time I would approach with the shampoo. I tried several times to find out if there was something specific that she didn't like so maybe I could change it. I did my best to stay calm and then I totally lost that and yelled even more loudly than Sarah, while quickly washing her hair. Then we all snuggled together and both girls seemed quite sparkly and unphased by my yelling. Hmm. I'm glad they seemed unphased. I'm glad I only did a short bit of yelling. I'm glad I got Sarah's hair clean. I would like to not yell. I would like to find a way to get Sarah's hair clean without her yelling. She hasn't always minded. I'm not sure whether to go really Son-Risey and not force the issue at all or whether I should do it more often so she would get used to the sensory experience, except that I have to be careful how many baths she has so her skin doesn't get too dry and itchy. 

Our field trip this week was to the History Center. It was awesome. There were very few people and there are lots of things for hands-on exploring, not to mention an old trolley car that you can sit in and a pretend ice cream shop. I think both girls could easily spend more time there. And, again, it was good to have two adults because the girls often wanted to do different things.

I wish you all easy ownership over having your own wonderful day, if that is what you would like to have.

March 16

The challenges of this week included having a bad cold for a couple days after my vacation. Luckily, with the help of one of my sitters, some of my volunteers, and Carl, I was able to get the rest (and groceries) I needed so I only had one day of feeling really yucky. Sonia was out of town for the week, and a handful of volunteers couldn't do their times for various reasons. On the plus side, on Wednesday night when Carl skipped rowing and I was in bed by 7:45pm, I had nothing to do but lie in bed, feel yucky, and listen to what a beautiful parent Carl is. So wonderful. The week's situation also gave the girls and I more time together so new things happened that might not have happened otherwise. 

We went to a playground. This is not such a novel idea but I very rarely do such an outing without another adult to help. I chose a playground with good sight lines so I could easily have both girls in view. What I didn't count on was the sight line to the distant busway and Sarah deciding to start heading across the open field at a good clip, not heeding my petitions for her to stop. I ran and caught her, leaving Amy in a swing with another parent nearby. I didn't know the other parent, but I didn't have much choice since I had to get to Sarah. Leaving the playground was also challenging because Amy didn't want to leave and started running back to the playground as I was getting Sarah in the car, so then I had to chase Amy. I was glad to have ventured out but also glad to get everyone safely home. I did some dialoguing with M., and could do some more on my own, about my fears about various things. I think I believe that my fear keeps me vigilant and keeps the girls safe. I would like to be less fearful while still being vigilant, but at the moment they are still linked. Seeing it gives me a smidge more wiggle room.

The girls played Connect 4 five times in a row.  I helped with making sure they took turns and with showing them when someone won. I don't think they yet have an understanding of the purpose of the game but they like putting the pieces in the frame and Amy likes winning. Sarah didn't seem to mind whether or not she won, but Amy got a bit upset when Sarah won. We also assembled some puzzles together and played Ants in the Pants together. I love that this is becoming our new normal, that playing short games with some semblance of the real way to play them is not just a dream.

Thursday night at dinner I described to Carl some of what Sarah did at preschool (she was the Weather Bear and she made a Shape-osaurus at the craft table). Carl asked Sarah was shapes she glued on the paper for the Shape-osaurus. We all paused. I almost didn't expect Sarah to answer. Then up piped Sarah's clear voice, "triangle.... circle." I love noticing that I am underestimating what Sarah can do. I love that Carl asked her the question.

Sarah made up a song about a sad Amy. The lyrics are, "I am a sad Amy. I am a sad Amy." 

Sarah has been singing a lot on her own, mostly the alphabet and sometimes Twinkle, Twinkle. She is getting much more fluid with her singing. Usually Amy tells Sarah to stop singing and then I say that I like Sarah's singing. There was one crazy moment when Sarah paused in her singing and Amy said, "Keep hinging, Harah. I hink it is beautiful." 

Amy's language is getting clearer and clearer. She is getting "f" and "sh" and sometimes "s." If we draw attention to the fact that she just said "off" instead of "aw" then she will shut down and say "no." It feels like we are courting a wild animal. Just don't look her language in the eye and it will continue to come along.

Some of Amy's play is the same way. If she is playing on her own and we comment on what she is doing/saying/singing then often she will cry for several minutes. Best to keep our traps shut! It is amazing to me how different my girls are from each other in some ways. Thank goodness Sarah was the one to need help with language and that she is the one to like practicing and getting that help.

Sarah now opens our back door regularly and goes outside. Since we have an enclosed backyard this is safe but I still want her to ask first and I don't want her out there when it is muddy or when she isn't dressed for the temperature. I don't want her to play with the door. During one of our altercations about the door, Sarah looked at me and said, "why?"....... I think time slowed down for a moment and I sat on my mental butt. She has never asked me that. Usually her questions are "can I wear the...?" or "can I have the...?" and are in response to my prompting her to ask. Woohooo!

Yesterday we had Amy's birthday party. She shares her actual birthday with me this coming Tuesday. The party went very well and we all had a good time. I struggled a bit during the earlier part of the day, perhaps because I was worried about getting everything ready, or perhaps because that gave me less internal space to deal with the daily quota of whining, yelling, and resisting various things. This morning I hit that road block again. I think I resort to anger to feel more powerful or in control in a situation in which I feel powerless or like it will never end. With home ownership there are those moments where I really don't want to deal with something but I know I have to. It is the same with parenting. There are things that I really just want to be done with and wish that I didn't have to handle. Maybe I up my grumps when Carl is around as a weird way of getting him to take over, like a kid crying over a fall only if someone saw it. (shh, don't tell Carl!) Good thing that I love my girls so much and that they have so many times of being so deliciously adorable I think I will implode with love. 

Sometimes Amy likes to sleep with her hands cradling my face. Is there anything sweeter?!

Sometimes, when I ask Sarah to take a drink of water, she takes a fake sip or a very tiny sip. At one point I asked her if she had really taken a sip and she responded with a satisfied, "aaahh!" I love my cheeky sneak!

May you all have a wonderful moment today that fills you with such awe that you sit on your mental butt for a moment.

March 10

I am writing from the Billings, MT airport after having a wonderful, restorative vacation visiting one of my dearest friends, whom I have known since I was 4. We are approaching 33 years of friendship! I have been friends with her younger sister for the same amount of time. I am so blessed to have had such steadfast friends, who will continue to be my best friends for our whole lives.

Getting Sarah to get dressed in the morning or do any number of other activities has become easier lately thanks to Wonderful! She loves saying the word and she loves it when we say it. I started looking at her with an expectant gleam in my eye in the morning and asking if she knew what would be wonderful. She then whipped off a sock and she and I cheered, "Wonderful!" This idea is repeated for removing each item of clothing, putting on each new item of clothing, potty use, brushing teeth, and brushing hair! So much of the struggle is gone, replaced by exuberance. Wonderful!!!!

I have also expanded my gentleness and compassion. Sonia helped me notice that I had an easier time when Amy was upset than when Sarah was upset. I think now I am responding more similarly and with more softness in my own heart. I think this is helping us reach ease more quickly. There is easier compliance with my requests and then we celebrate together. Wonderful!

Alexander Technique lessons and reading often help me think more clearly about how I want to parent. With AT, an open hand is more effective than one that is not fully open. When I am open to my children and any given situation then I am more effective than when I am partially closed with resistance.

I took Sarah to see a naturopath that a friend had recommended. I liked this doctor very much and I feel hopeful about having someone local to see things about Sarah that traditional doctors haven't seen. She has longitudinal lines in her finger nails and some dark shading under her eyes and her skin is drier than it should be even in winter. I have a bag of tests to do when I am back. We will then wait a few weeks for the results, but hopefully this will give us more info about what Sarah might need to help her thrive more fully.

I have been thinking about Sarah's isms, especially the conversational isms where she likes to talk about the same things repeatedly. I want to let things be new. Even if it is seemingly a repetition, what if I could listen and respond as freshly as if it was new?

Our field trip was to a friend's house while my friend was on vacation and Sonia was dog and house sitting. My friend has an awesome play room! Sarah and Amy loved it, I am inspired to look into possible new play equipment, and we all got practice being around a sweet, energetic dog. Being around dogs has never been my strong point. Hopefully with Sonia's coaching, my girls will be more comfortable around dogs than I am.

While we were at the naturopath's office, Sarah tried to get a book out of the bag I had brought. The book was stuck and I heard her murmur to herself, "oh coffee." Later in the week, Sarah dropped a cashew on the step stool and murmured, "oh man." I love these genuine phrases that come out at such appropriate times.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends!

March 2

In an attempt to help the morning routine be speedier, I made lists for the girls akin to Toad's list in a Frog and Toad story. I'm not sure it helped with speed, but Sarah did enjoy crossing off her list.

On Tuesday, Sarah was the calendar helper at preschool and she rocked it!

Tuesday afternoon I did a short SR session and I wasn't feeling very good about myself going into it. I was much less present and motivated than usual and it was the first time in ages that Sarah asked to be done early during a session with me. Lesson learned! 

Wednesday, Sarah and I spent almost the entire school day (9-3) at the Life Skills class in our local public school. This is a class just for kids with special needs. I am so glad we visited. It gave me a lot more information about how Sarah could/would function in that setting. I think Sarah liked some parts of it but was overwhelmed by others. Her ears were red for the whole visit. Red ears can be a sign of stress. This might have been because the building was too warm or because of the new situation or so much going on in various settings. She also ismed a ton on the auditorium chairs and classroom chairs. Isming can be a sign of overwhelm. She did amazingly well with the matching and writing practice tasks and she also did pretty well with attending to circle time and answering direct questions. If we had no other options then this would be a really good place for her to be. The teachers were thoughtful and caring. However, we do have other options and I think for now Sarah would really benefit from continuing to be primarily at home. 

The plan for the next school year is that she will attend her current preschool 3 mornings a week and the rest of the time will be a combination of homeschooling and Sarah-Rise. I think her current preschool will help her continue to strengthen her muscles regarding being attentive and participating in groups of children and in a school setting in general. I think it will help that it is a familiar place. The teachers have been so lovely and welcoming the whole time that I feel really good about her spending more time with them.

Wednesday afternoon I felt more at peace than I had in a while because of knowing the plan for next year. That lasted a couple of hours and then I started freaking out about the details of home schooling. Yesterday I went for a walk by myself and I was able to start delving into why I am so deeply panicked. I think I am worried about failing, worried that I can't actually do this and will fail Sarah. It helped to notice this and that the even deeper fear is that I will die if I fail. To help deal with the fears I will continue to look at them and I will also continue to get more information. I always like things to have been taken care of yesterday and I don't relish figuring out the necessary paperwork. To homeschool a typical child you just have to file an affidavit saying what you are doing and then submit some proof of attendance and work at the end of the year. With a child with special needs you have to have a certified person say that your program adequately meets those special needs. Needing to get approval feels scary. 

It has helped to briefly review my own unofficial resume with respect to Sarah and what we have achieved so far. I even remembered that I am, in fact, certified to teach in PA. Sure, it is for secondary school and was from 1999 and doesn't address special needs, but it is a certification in the field of education.

I have almost always gotten very scared about failing in school situations so this is just the ultimate assignment. On one level I totally know I can do this and can rock it, especially with Sonia and Carl and our amazing team. And on another level there is the panic. For now those will just sort of coexist as I move forward and try not to freeze with fear.

I am aiming at giving myself more time to be really still. Usually when I decide to do this then I realize that first I must sharpen all my pencils! and clean everything! and do anything else! But when I have been still then I find a lovely calmness and I think that will ultimately help me connect more effectively with Sarah. I can do a lot of noisy running around and thinking we must do more, more, more. Maybe less is more. To help Sarah with language I cut down my own language use to make space for her language. Maybe to help her succeed more in any other way I first need to give her space. When I feel pressure from someone else to do something then I often dig my heels in and don't want to do whatever it is precisely because of the pressure. Perhaps Sarah feels pressure from me to be normal, typical, smarter, faster, less screamy, more cooperative, etc. And what would happen if I could just stop pressuring her? The pressure isn't necessarily blatant, but if I feel it inside me then I'm sure on some level she feels it and is perhaps digging in her heels. So, here's to stillness and doing less, while being present and offering opportunities. (While needing to do more, more, more, faster, faster, faster to succeed at homeschooling yesterday already!)

My mom, Carl, and Sonia have all been extra helpful this week in thinking about our plan for Sarah and also not letting me get lost in my panic spirals. Thank goodness.

Sarah had some amazing moments on Thursday. When Sonia arrived, Sarah looked at her and said, "I want to spend the day with you."  Later, when Sarah asked me if she could wear her Hello Kitty boots to school, I said that was up to Sonia. Sarah immediately said, "Sonia, can I wear the Hello Kitty boots?"