May 31: Improving the world; Amazing changes at home

It is always oddly jarring when one person experiences a tragedy and yet the world continues to move on with many people still living their normal lives. So many people right now are personally reeling from the murder of George Floyd. So many people who aren’t personally effected are also feeling heaviness and rage and fear and heartbreak. I have made calls and read articles and marched in the almost completely peaceful protest yesterday. We have spoken with the girls about what they can do if they see someone being treated unfairly especially if that treatment is related to their skin color. I know some of my friends carry fear for their own children daily and my actions henceforth will be fueled by wanting to make sure the world becomes a safer place for those children. I want it safer for everyone, but it helps make it more tangibly urgent to personalize it in this way. These friends are dear to me and I do not want them to be the next heartbroken parents. Next to this heaviness and heartbreak, life here in our personal family bubble has been even better than usual. Such an odd contrast. I share the love and joy from our family in the hopes that it will help warm hearts and ease tensions at least for a moment. Let us also take a moment to hold the family and friends of George Floyd in love and light and make our phone calls to support appropriate legal action regarding the police involved.

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Sarah and I are having a closer connection than we have in ages. It is amazing and wonderful and I attribute the changes to my personal changes after my various Son-Rise recharging methods. Sarah now wants to do “mice, mice mice” with me all the time. She wants me to sit with her when she has her ipod turn. She greets me enthusiastically. Offering “mice mice mice” works to defuse situations when she is clearly a bit overloaded and going into her repertoire of things that we don’t like her to do. 

When we do our tickle, snuggle, hanging out while sometimes saying “mice mice mice” she often holds small stuffed animal mice. I have also added singing a bit of a Sandra Boyton song, “I love you more than cheese.” Sometimes Sarah brings in her newly favorite books, Barnyard Dance and Runaway Bunny. Her favorite page of Barnyard Dance reads “Prance with the horses, skitter with the mice, swing with your partner once or twice.” One day she read it to me and told me it was her favorite page and that she held it in her heart. I’ve been working on encouraging clarity of speech through these books because when she reads out loud she tends to swallow her words in her attempt to speed through them or because she is unsure of them. I don’t ask for clarification of everything, just some words now and then. I also celebrate when she does say things clearly. 

One evening Amy had the idea that we would go to a royal ball. She encouraged us to dress appropriately. Carl and I donned new garb and we all came up with new names. I was Queen Annabelle of Chocolateville, Carl was Sir Frederick III of Fritoshire, Amy was Duchess Violet of Gardenalia, and Sarah was Kiddo Bubbles of Mouseville. I had an enchantingly delightful time! Sarah participated a little. Amy sort of had a good time, but our reality didn’t quite match her dreams. 

Sarah loves nicknames for herself and acquires them at a rapid speed. In addition to being Ms. Mice, this week she also wanted us to call her Kiddo, which is how characters in a Caillou episode refer to him. Once Sarah told us that our teacher would be Kiddo. I love how flexibly we all adapt to her new loves and build upon them. 

We let the girls have playdates with one person in the past couple of weeks and that has gone quite well. After the first one Amy clearly had tons of feelings that had been accumulating. I was glad she could feel them and clear them. Friday the girls went over to this other kid’s house and, very unusually, Sarah got sad and was crying and asking for me to come get her, which I did. I can’t remember this ever happening before. My interpretation of things is that because she and I have bonded so much recently, when her friend drew a picture of a smiling face with the words “Mommy loves you” Sarah remembered me and felt homesick. She missed me! This is actually huge and wonderful and exciting. I know there have certainly been times when she missed me in the past, but this felt more clearly expressed. She cried for a while even after I brought her home. As with Amy’s feelings, I assume that Sarah’s have been accumulating during quarantine. Yesterday morning Sarah started crying again and talking about when she was sad on Friday, saying she missed me but not following me to the kitchen when I invited her to do so. She really didn’t want me to go to the protest march, but I figure it is important to slowly get everyone used to me doing things again. I want her to feel these feelings now so that when school starts in August she will be ready to go.

Sarah is officially done with 5th grade and is a rising 6th grader! Friday evening there was a car parade at her school so we could drive past the teachers who were standing outside. Her main teachers weren’t there, but there were many people who called out “Hi Sarah!,” “It’s Sarah!” I felt more emotional than I had expected. Maybe she did too. 

Although Sarah didn’t want me to leave yesterday, after lunch and some of her favorite music and a Gaby et Jules macaron delivery, she was feeling much better. While I was gone the girls and Carl recorded themselves putting on a play of Mo Willems’ A Big Guy Took My Ball. Carl was the whale, Amy was Piggie, and Sarah was Gerald. Amy made costume headbands so they had the right ears or whale top. Each independently got dressed in the right colors. I got to see the recording when I returned and it was wonderful. It was also Sarah’s idea!! When I was home we did a new recording of Mo Willems’ My New Friend Is So Fun! I was Gerald (being exaggeratedly panicky comes quite naturally), Amy was Snake, Sarah was Piggie, and Carl was Brian Bat. It was so much fun! If you would like to see our unpolished but energetic performance, let me know and I’ll send it to you. 

To back up slightly, when I parked upon arriving home, I was greeted by Carl and the girls, all holding signs and chanting “We Love Mom!” Sarah rushed up to hug me and had sparkly eyes meant for me. I am used to such an outpouring from Amy, but not from Sarah.

Overall I feel like Sarah is more open to my presence and listens more to what I say. She responds more easily to my requests and is overall calmer. This morning she got something on her beloved hedgehog nightgown. Such occurrences in the past have resulted in screaming, whining, and impatience on her part. This morning I told her that I was about to start some laundry, and I noticed a stain on her nightgown, and I could wash it for her if she wanted. She calmly said she would put on her panda nightgown. OH MY GOODNESSS!!!!!! This is seriously an unheard of miracle!

It has been a couple of years since I filled out the ATEC questionnaire that attempts to give some objective qualification regarding autism. The lower the number the less autistic, or something like that. 3 years ago Sarah was at a 36. Now her score is 30. This feels like exciting progress, even though I also take it all with a grain of subjective salt. My perspective on the questions and my answers changes over time as much as Sarah changes.

I am amazed and grateful at the plethora of peaceful changes I am experiencing with Sarah. I am stunned and humbled by how the shifts within me brought this about. I can easily wish I had made the changes sooner, but I will focus on being so glad I am getting the help to make my personal changes now. My goal now is to ask for help often because the resources are available. I need only ask.

May 24: Son-Rise Help and Perfect Days

It is amazing to me how clearly I know I can continue to benefit from Alexander Technique lessons forever and yet somehow I had put the brakes on my Son-Rise continuing education and support. I know that after years of running Sarah-Rise I felt tired and done. The past few years I haven’t really put much energy into my short weekly SR time, which I wouldn’t even really call SR time. It was time that I was with Sarah and hoping we could get along ok but feeling relieved when she wanted to be on her own for a nap so I could fold laundry. This isn’t to say that I haven’t been thinking about how to support her further or that I haven’t continued to be amazed by her in varying ways. I just felt stuck and forgot just how helpful help could be. This past Monday I had another amazingly helpful consultation with Samahria. I felt re-energized and suddenly it was so clear that I wanted to retrain in the Son-Rise Program and to reread Raun Kaufman’s book Autism Breakthrough. Raun is THE son of Son-Rise. I have almost finished reading it and I have just started the online training program. My training the first time around was in person but now it is perfect to have an online option where I can go at my own pace. I have already remembered so many little things that I had forgotten and I am already seeing ripples through to how I am with Sarah and how she is with me. This isn’t to say we don’t have our tough moments, but I’m even holding those more gently. Just because I fall off my bike of how I want to be doesn’t mean I can’t climb right back on. I feel as if I started a marathon strong, ran a powerful first half, got tired and started walking, somehow thought the race was done, and now I have suddenly realized there is more of the course to traverse and that I can get as much help as I need. I absolutely think we can help Sarah more with her social interactions, language clarity, and stress reduction. I also think we can make math really fun. I think we can get past the yelling, screaming, banging, spitting, fake laughing and we can do so in a way that is loving and more fun for all of us.

Yesterday was a perfect day and that was even with some moments when Sarah and I weren’t having a good time together. I didn’t let those moments overshadow the day. I spent some time whenI felt like I was really in my SR energy and creativity in a way that I haven’t been in ages. I had forgotten what that could feel like and that it could be easy and fun and that I am good at playing. Really playing and working on goals through the play. It felt like turning on a light switch inside and everything I thought was out of stock was ready and waiting. Sarah wanted to do more electronics and I said no. She was very upset. I was truly calm. She got past her upset and I helped her set up for Ms. Sarah reads. This meant moving a chair in front of a door and draping a blanket over the door to be her backdrop. It was a plain blanket but she imagined stripes. As she read when she rushed and garbled her words I raised my hand like an eager student. When she called on me I said I hadn’t understood and asked her to read the words again slowly so I could get it. She did. I celebrated. We also did some “mouse mouse mouse” snuggle/tickle time, which has now morphed into “mice mice mice” and also involves me asking her how many rounds we will do, prefaced with an equation for her to solve. She does so with delight and a gleam in her eye. She doesn’t always get the right answer but that doesn’t matter! What matters is that we can have math be part of fun, connected play time. 

Both Sarah and Amy practiced biking on rough terrain. Sarah is using the bike as a balance bike and is getting pretty good at it. On a side note, Sarah has traveled the length of California on her Zwift stationary bike. Amy is practicing hills and turns. Amy also helped her doll Ella learn to ride. Carl did a long mountain biking ride and I went for a long walk. Then we all (mostly Carl) worked on building a fire pit and enjoyed hot dots and s’mores. The weather was ideal. It was just a perfect day at which to marvel and in which to revel, which we did.

Earlier in the week the girls had wonderful two hour SR/babysitting sessions with two of our amazing people. With Sc there was a time when Amy was playing the ukulele and Sarah was singing into a plastic ice cream scoop microphone. The song was “Shake, shake, shake my piggie bank.” I don’t know who made it up or if it comes from a show. With A. the girls got set up with the sprinkler in the back yard. A. got in their swimsuit too and Carl served as A’s arms to turn on the water. I will always marvel at these amazing people in our lives and how much love and creativity flows into our house, continuing in an unexpectedly effective way during this pandemic quarantine phase.

May 17: Pizza, Math, and a Recipe for my Best Self

Last night we made pizza from kits sold by Enrico’s Biscotti company. We watched part of the Scooby Doo movie and the girls slept on the pull-out sofa bed. When I came downstairs this morning I heard Amy leading them through a conversational play scenario of sorts. She asked Sarah to pick a mode of transportation. Sarah chose a boat. Then Amy said they would travel in their big boat to pick up all of their friends. I forget the rest of the details except for being in awe of how present and involved both of them were. Amy would ask Sarah for input after each thing that Amy added. It was heartwarming.

We have decided to back the heck up in terms of helping Sarah with math. She struggles so much with it that often she protests as soon as we even look at some of her homework. Even knowing that Amy and I will help her count for addition or subtraction, Sarah has a knee-jerk response that it is too hard. So now our aim is to build her confidence and use her strengths for remembering things. For many things, she has the best memory of anyone in the house. We just need to start small, start at the beginning, and move on only when she is ready. For a couple of days we added 1+1=2 to our interactions. I taped signs on the wall with the equation written numerically and with words. We have now moved on to 1+2=3 and 2+1=3. She is pretty solid on those too, but sometimes answers 2. As with other math moments, she seems to go too quickly in supplying an answer, just saying something and hoping it is right. I have also started helping her when she practices online with Splashlearn. It is helping her slow down to actually count dots. We had half an hour of working together and it felt fun and companionable. For some problems I just told her the answer and she seemed relieved. As with many other moments of late, I feel like we are getting back to being on the same team with each other instead of being in opposition. 

For almost 2 solid weeks I have been peacefully parenting and having a joyful time. The hiccups were more notable as hiccups, but I was still distraught because I really hoped I would never again lose my cool. The best part of losing my equilibrium this time around was realizing that I had just forgotten my recipe. I had started assuming that calm was my new norm, instead of remembering the thoughts and actions that lead me to the calm. When I lose my physical ease I know I have to go through a process of thoughts to help me regain where I want to be. Somehow in other realms of life I can forget that it is a process and that there are thoughts to think and things to do. So for parenting peace I need 1 part exercise, 1 part time to read and write, 1 part crossword puzzle, and many parts greeting the difficult moments with a delighted “Yes! This is great! This will help me be who I want to be and practice new responses!” Those last words could certainly be read with acerbic irony, but they have to be meant for real for the recipe to work. 

Grammy sent masks for the girls and their dolls so they can match. Amy is slowly accepting the idea of wearing a mask when she really wants to do something, such as visiting the book table our neighbor set up yesterday. Amy is also re-excited about biking. Last Sunday she and Carl biked 4 miles to Sonia’s house to see a tiny kitten. That kitten visit was the first moment for which Amy wore a mask.

Meanwhile, Sarah has added paper guitars to her favorite musical note scarf so that she can match the scarf of our sitter A. Sarah had been pining for a scarf with guitars so A drew some that Sarah could cut out and put them through our mail slot. Sarah is also into bocce ball and yesterday was a perfect day for some backyard bocce.

This past week I taught a short online Alexander class and tomorrow I have another call with Samahria. What amazes me about both of these moments is that I can actually book a sitter just like the old days. The sitter happens to work via Facetime, but it is just as effective and reliable. Certainly I have been enjoying the time off granted by such calls thus far, but this is the first time I really saw it as booking a sitter.

Remember your recipes for your favorite self.

May 10: Humbling and Wonderful Changes

When I am struggling I can forget what it feels like not to be struggling. I can think that I already have all the information and that there isn’t anything that would help. What a misperception! I never think that when it comes to getting Alexander lessons. I always know there is room for change. This past Monday, I had an amazing talk with Samahria Kaufman, the original Son-Rise Mom. It was the perfect blend of her listening to me, telling me things, and asking me questions that were loving, non-judgemental, and yet cut to the heart of the matter. 

As with my Son-Rise training sessions, as soon as I ended my time with Samahria I started interacting differently with Sarah. It was a change from the inside out, and the ripples have been immediately apparent. I am amazed and so grateful. I had forgotten how in love with Sarah I could feel and how we could have easy time together that felt held together in a magical net of not needing to change anything. The main change for me requires reminders, in the way that I might remind myself of my Alexander directions. It is a gentle shift rather than trying to force myself or pretend, which is the energy I had been in. I had felt like I was often playing a role of forced enthusiasm or forced calm because I was hoping it would make Sarah respond in a certain way. Now whenever I notice her starting to go down a path of tension or resistance I remind myself that this is wonderful! Yes! Because now I have an opportunity to practice making different choices for myself, thus helping retrain us into a new way of being together. We haven’t had any explosive fights. 

I have figured out a new way to approach transitions. Instead of just giving her a countdown of timing, I ask her to pause whatever she is doing so we can talk about the upcoming plan. She pauses easily. I sit with her and explain whatever scheduled things are next and some options for the intervening time. If she doesn’t like my ideas then we keep going until we have an acceptable plan. She tends to then transition easily when it is time. I feel like we are back on the same team instead of being on opposing teams. She can still have her struggly moments, but I am staying calmer. 

One of Sarah’s favorite activities is to do “mouse, mouse, mouse.” This means we snuggle in bed and I hold her chin and vibrate it and then move to her arm and leg for vibrations, all while saying “mouse, mouse, mouse” with varying intonations and enthusiasm. It is amazing to me that when she is resisting other activity options, this has sometimes been the thing that lights up her eyes with delight. She has also been giving me kisses on my forehead and cheeks and then she says, “I am so sweet! I am so smart.” Yes, my dear. Yes, you are.

Meanwhile, Amy has taken over the role of Sarah’s math helper for homework, which suits me perfectly. Amy’s favorite music du jour is the soundtrack to the My Little Pony movie. Living with Amy is like living in a musical because you never know when she will burst into a song she is making up to describe her current situation. Thursday night she did NOT want to go to bed. After her lights were out, Amy changed back into regular clothes and cat ears. She spent about 20 minutes dancing around the first floor, singing about how she hated the night and that the sun should win. Her lyrics and rhyming were quite impressive. It was too wonderful a moment to curtail with any bedtime rules. When the show was over she went back to bed without us saying a word.

I have started including the girls a bit more in meal preparations. Sarah seems more open to listening to my instructions, perhaps because she can tell I’m willing to have her participate. One night I cut large sections of an apple so that they were separate from the core. Sarah did the rest of the cutting, putting oil and the apples in a pan, and stirring the apple. All I did for the cooking was to operate the burner. I know she could easily learn that but I don’t want her to think of that as something for her to do. Not yet.

Sarah is in love with the house in Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Sarah says she is going to have dinner with the house. Yesterday Carl helped the girls make cardboard houses. Sarah’s is intended to be the house from the book. Amy’s house is for Olivia. They even painted their houses a bit, despite my fearful cringing about the possible mess.

How humbling to realize once again that the answer to my external problems was internal. I so much wanted the change to come from Sarah. If she would only make different choices and do as I so reasonably asked then our life together would have been so easy! How humbling that the shift could come rather easily from me and make such a difference. 

May you feel loved and seen today and all days. 

May 3: American Girl Dolls and Nightgowns Out Of Control

The American Girl Doll situation and overlapping pajama situation is getting out of control. Everytime I do something thinking it will bring peace and resolution it seems to make things worse. I know in some ways this doesn’t matter and it can be totally botched and everyone will still grow up into hopefully well-adjusted people. Maybe the biggest stumbling block is that when I get things for Sarah so she won’t always be wanting Amy’s then it seems to diminish the specialness of Amy’s things in her own eyes. In theory know that isn’t under my control, but it still sort of breaks my heart. With the hedgehog nightgown, I even asked Amy first if it would be a good idea to get Sarah her own. She thought yes. But now Amy hasn’t worn hers since Sarah’s arrived and when Amy is super mad at Sarah then she gets mad at the hedgehog nightgowns too. I feel like I broke something that was so special to Amy. Meanwhile, we got Sarah an American Girl doll because it seems amazing that she wants one and really wants to play with it. But when Sarah’s arrived then I saw the light dim in Amy’s eyes. Probably it was just the sister jealousy that can happen at birthdays, but I felt bad because Amy’s doll had been her special birthday thing. Never mind that I recently got Amy a new My Little Pony thing. I quickly offered that Amy could get a new doll too. What was I thinking?! I’m out of control!! This quarantine seems to have upended any sense I have of how to manage buying presents or seeing sadness in relation to presents. I just want to fix it all. I know I can’t fix the real problem of quarantine and I didn’t think the doll and nightgown thing would spiral so much. I seem to keep making things worse when I try to make them better. I can only hope that with time Amy will come back around to her hedgehogs or that I will get over my heartbreak for having ruined the specialness of them for her. On the plus side, Sarah loves her new doll and Amy still loves her own dolls and sometimes all of them have a tea party together. 

Carl has fully taken over with Sarah’s virtual piano lessons and with her practicing and it is wonderful. He doesn’t shy away when Sarah first balks and protests that it is too hard. He has created a fun scenario with giving her fingers different names (Miss Four and Miss Five) and making a huge exaggerated deal with Five gets in the way or Four needs to do her job. Sarah laughs. Grumpy Cat, complete with a musical note scarf, coaches her too. I’m in awe. 

Sarah likes to pretend to be other people sometimes. After watching the person who mows our lawn, Sarah wanted to be him and to mow our lawn. So Carl helped her get our push mower and she had a great time pushing it back and forth. After having a virtual Anat Baniel Lesson, Sarah immediately started giving me an ABM lesson and the also worked on some dolls and stuffed animals. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m playing a role with Sarah rather than being me. I’m saying or doing certain things hoping that they will bring about my desired outcome, almost as if I have to trick her or play some system with oft-changing rules. When I tell her that something is going to happen then I’m hoping I play the timing right with when and how often I tell her. Often she will say ok and agree to be done easily when it is time, until it is actually time and then she will declare that she isn’t hungry or doesn’t want to do the thing that she previously seemed excited about. She often changes her own plans without much warning or veers into a new activity instead of doing the thing she and Amy had been about to do. This often leads to sadness and madness in Amy while Sarah is either oblivious or enjoying Amy’s pained reaction. All of this coexists with times of Sarah being fun, funny, kind, and creative. It coexists with many good times playing easily with Amy or asking Amy to help with her homework. Most of our time is actually easy, it is just that the hard times can feel intense and draining. 

When her beloved nightgown accidentally got significantly wet at bedtime, I tossed it in the dryer but Sarah screamed and tried to open the dryer frequently for about half an hour. This was on a night when we figured Carl could go out for a bike ride and I could handle bedtime because usually bedtime is pretty easy. This followed a day that had already felt draining. 

I am reminding myself that many steps along this path with Sarah have seemed impossible and unattainable until they are easily in our rear view mirror and we can laugh about how we are in an easier place. This is true for basically everything (rolling over, sitting, walking, talking, reading, potty training, eating, bathing, learning to swim, etc). So I keep telling myself there may in fact come a time when we say, “remember when Sarah would have huge meltdowns about certain items of clothing? Remember when she would fake laugh and spit and pound and scream? Remember when she would ignore us or purposely do what we said not to do?” Maybe someday this will all be a memory and our present will be easily smooth with respectful realness where I don’t wonder what response there will be to my presence. 

Carl and I have been watching “World on Fire” and I have been startled by my strong visceral reaction the few times they have shown a girl having a seizure. I just can’t bear to watch. Not that the rest of the story is happy. It is all about WWII so we knew it would be hard and heartbreaking. I just didn’t expect it to hit so close to home. 

Amy has become a Hula hooping fiend. She went from only being able to do about 10 seconds to being able to do 7 minutes. After her short times she watched me do it and something just clicked for her. One night we had a Hula Hoop Off. I was the judge when Amy and Carl competed. He was the judge for Amy and me. Amy was the judge for Carl and me. While Amy and I can keep the hoop going, Carl gets the most points for style and humor. Sarah did her part as a cowgirl dancing under the stars.