April 30

Sarah has been singing more songs more often better than I’ve ever heard her sing, including songs I didn’t even know that she knew. I have overheard her singing “You are my Sunshine” and “Personal Penguin.” When I ask her to sing them for me then she doesn’t so I haven’t been able to get a recording, but I am still floored when I hear her singing mostly on-key and on-tempo and with most of the words clear as a bell. 

Sarah has been reading more as her choice of activity when she has free time at home. Her current favorite books are Doc McStuffins: Take Your Pet to the Vet and Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs.

Thursday was Take Your Kid To Work day. We didn’t feel like Sarah was yet ready to do that without extra help so she went to school and Amy went to Carl’s work. This week Sarah’s school has a special event that Carl will attend so each kid does get a special dad thing. 

Thursday evening Grammy and Granddad were in charge while I went to work. They described some of their time with the girls and my jaw dropped to the floor. Sarah told them she wanted to do a gymnastics show and wanted them to watch! That doesn’t happen. Sometimes Amy wants to perform a show of some sort and maybe Sarah participates but for Sarah to initiate it is amazing. She also wanted music and started doing lots of dance moves, which sounded more elaborate than usual. 

Sarah and I have been sad-meowing and mad-meowing often. It helps us through many transitions and it just feels good to sprinkle more times of playful connection throughout our day. Friday she had a dress-down day and was very upset about not being able to wear her favorite snail shorts. They are size 12 months and so are quite short. I was much more relaxed about her upset than usual, especially given that it was a school morning so our time was limited. When her upset passed I said she had been in the wrong litterbox, thus building on our usual description of mad feelings as being on the wrong ball or the wrong bicycle. 

Speaking of bicycles, I’m having the girls bike to Amy’s school. They always want the bike with training wheels rather than the balance bike and so far I am letting them because I mainly want biking to be something they like. I had the realization that if they never learn to ride bikes without training wheels and if they never learn to swim and if they never learn to tie their shoes that is actually ok and they can still have full and happy lives. That takes some pressure off so I can think more clearly about how to help them learn all of those skills.

Sarah had an amazing SR session with G. He started their time together by describing a situation involving some characters and objects in the room. Sarah participated easily, contributed her own original ideas, and spontaneously grabbed an object to represent a character. She tried to go into her usual favorite scenarios but when G steered slightly away from them she allowed that. This was 20 minutes of new interactive play. Once again I am reminded of why I love G and all of our volunteers for bringing themselves and their love and new ideas to their time with Sarah. Having a team is so much more effective than if it was just me. I also love the shared delight in Sarah’s growth and the awareness of how something seemingly tiny is actually giant.

The girls had their second swim lesson on Friday afternoon. Amy got cold after ten minutes so I held her on my lap while I sat on the first step of the pool, helping her stay warm between turns. I did meow crying for Sarah and all sorts of encouraging, celebrating, and requesting for each tiny bit of water interaction Sarah did. Once again I was impressed with the teacher for his creativity and flexibility. I also appreciated that he asked me if it was ok to try certain things with Sarah. Sarah did more than last week so I see that as a huge success. Amy did much more too and had a great time once she got past being cold. 

April 22

Mouse poop! In the Sarah-Rise room. Nooooooooooo! Why on earth would a mouse choose the closet shelf in the SR room for its bathroom?! Now I have to clean it and set a trap and check our various food items in the kitchen cabinets to see what it is eating. It is times like these when I really miss having a cat. If Sarah wasn’t allergic to cats, we would have a cat.

I feel like Sarah has been watching me and trying to copy me more at certain moments: when I pretend to wash my hands (mirroring her actual washing) and  when eating pizza. This seems to help her do a more thorough job with hand washing and to not dump the toppings off the pizza. She usually eats foods upside down, but on Monday she watched me eat a piece of her pizza, which had loose Daiya shreds, and then she tried it with her pizza right-side up, after she replaced the shreds that had fallen.

Sarah doesn’t let me read books to her much anymore but she does like to read books out loud to herself. I’m guessing it is a combination of actual reading and knowing most of our books very well. This week I recycled all of our word cards from when we taught Sarah to read. I felt slightly sad parting with them because I had so many memories of making the cards and going through them with her, but she is done with them so it was time.

Monday was a day off for Sarah. I took her to R, an MT who specializes in gentle trigger point work. He was able to work with her while she was in various positions and even when she gave me a chin press. It reminded me a bit of Anat Baniel lessons. At one point she held a stuffed animal he had and started giving the animal a massage. She said she was pretending to be R. She also said gleefully that the stuffed animal was sad and that its head and tail were down. 

Sarah’s hearing is back to normal but seasonal allergies are keeping her eyes itchy and puffy even when she is on medicine. 

Sarah is allowed to wear shorts to school when it is warm enough and she insisted on wearing the pair with a button instead of a snap. Wow. She also has been buckling her own seat belt in the school van with minimal or no help. 

The girls had their first official swim lesson yesterday. It was just the two of them and the instructor, although there were many other people in and around the pool. Amy did everything the instructor suggested, all of which was playfully and wonderfully done. Sarah didn’t want to do anything requested of her. She just wanted to go up and down the steps to the pool and play on the handrail. I was impressed with how the instructor continued to attempt to engage her but didn’t ever force anything. I’m hoping she will be ready to try more next week. I will also come prepared to get in the water myself, which is usually not allowed, but the instructor and support staff could easily tell that we do not have a usual situation. I felt entirely welcomed and supported.

After the swim lesson we went to an event at Amy’s school. I knew it would be challenging to be on my own with the two girls, and it was. What ended up happening was that I stayed with Sarah who stayed on the steps to go up and down, up and down, up and down. I let Amy go off to see some of her friends and teachers. I even gave Amy $1 to go get something from the bake sale by herself. She looked at the dollar and then at me, asking, “what do I do with this?” I explained and she managed. She also spent a lot of time with one of her best friends and his dad. It is interesting to notice as we continue to move into Amy being the older and more responsible of my children. I always think that each girl gets to be both the older and the younger sister depending on the situation. I don’t know when Amy and I will have a big discussion about Sarah and why she is as she is and what that might mean. So far Amy hasn’t asked. I don’t know if this is because she hasn’t fully noticed how different Sarah is from most 10 year olds Amy encounters or if we have done such a good job of normalizing that this is just our life and that Sarah just needs some extra help with things that Amy somehow understands. 

I’m assuming Amy spent a past life living in Downton Abbey or some such situation that required changing outfits for each new event and that dressing for dinner was customary. She wanted to have a picnic on our front walkway and dressed as a princess for the event. 

Sarah and I found a kit at Target for making a ball pit, but we greatly underestimated the number of balls needed to fill it. As luck would have it, when a friend of mine saw the picture on Facebook she offered to give us a ton of balls. She also gave us a huge bag of princess dresses. The girls are both in heaven. And I found the entire floor of the SR room covered in balls this morning. 

This week I was appreciating the time that Amy and I spend together when Sarah is at vision therapy or occupational therapy. We get to play more games than we do at home, probably because I’m not feeling pulled by dishes, laundry, and food preparation. 

On Thursday I had an amazingly good SR time with Sarah. She was wearing her new cat pajamas that Grandma made and she told me that the cats were sad. I meowed sadly. She wanted me to blow my nose on her socks or pant legs or shirt. I did. I meowed sadly over and over. I varied my meow. Then she said the cats were grumpy so I grump-meowed, pretending to enumerate complaints on my paw. Occasionally the cats were happy. Mostly I spent 30 minutes being a sad or grumpy cat, figuring out new ways to show my emotions through meows. I loved it when I would vary something slightly and then get a bigger laugh from Sarah as if she really noticed and appreciated the change. It felt good to be so connected and in the moment with her. I haven’t been that focused and on in a while. On Friday she was very on during her time with G, saying new things and not isming. I wonder if my focused time within her ism helped her stretch that little bit or if it was just that she has her different modes. This morning her words were also quite clear, notably clearer than some moments of late.

With all of the awesome tiny moments, there has also been a lot of screaming on Sarah’s part. There always is. It usually doesn’t last long and some days have more than others. I have been thinking about how it is as regular and predictable as rain in Ireland and so perhaps I could be as prepared. I just don’t always have my yellbrella or screamcoat ready. So I may respond patiently, creatively, and kindly half of the time, but the other half I don’t or even if I do on the outside I feel myself wearying on the inside, always thinking that if I could just respond differently or feed her differently then it would all go away. I think this undercurrent of self-blame probably isn’t helping my energy or clear thinking. It feels hard sometimes to walk the line of open questioning of my actions without judging them. The judging doesn’t often result in making changes so perhaps I could experiment this week with just knowing the scream rain is coming but not blaming myself for it.

Thursday and Friday were non-stop days for me. All good things, though some punctuated with screams, protests, and whining, uncooperative children. Carl was gone most of the week and the day he got back I was working late so we barely saw each other until Friday evening, at which point I was past my limit. I reached my limit at the event at Amy’s school as I wished I didn’t have to stay glued to Sarah and that she didn’t have to stay glued to the stairs. It was cold and I was tired and hungry. Today felt challenging around gymnastics, the messy house, going to a spring carnival, and just mothering in general. When we got back from the carnival Carl took over and I have been in recuperation mode ever since, resting more, doing less, and all snuggled up in my warmest bathrobe. The girls are asleep, the house is quiet, and I am beginning to breathe more fully again. 

Lots of love to you all and an extra big thank you to those who help me regain my equilibrium.

April 15

Sarah can’t hear. Again. It is another ear infection. She is on another round of antibiotics. We have an appointment to see an ENT in July, which was the earliest available appointment unless there is a cancellation. I find myself wanting to blame some dietary decision for her ear infection, as if I can gain some control if I can only find a way to have it be my fault somehow. The naturopath is going to help us with some further testing and supplements to see what is going on with her immune system and to strengthen it. I’m glad to have both kinds of doctors so that we get the antibiotics and also so that someone besides me notices how many rounds of antibiotics she has had in the past few months and says, “whoa! what the *&#@ is going on?” Maybe it is just bad luck but maybe it is something else. 

I want to do some gentle massage work with Sarah, especially on her neck, and she usually resists even the idea of it. She sometimes asks me to rub her back or her legs, but if I attempt any type of work aside from her preferred maneuver then she squirms away or moves my hand. I feel frustrated and hurt and as if it will never work. Then I remind myself that in a Son-Rise context her refusal means, “try again, try another way.” I have been known to persist with a goal of mine for 2 hours with playful and flexible determination, never forcing but never giving up. That is what I need to do here. I will try again. And again and again and again. I know I could ask other people to work with her too, but I don’t want to give up on the possibility of it being me. With attempts throughout the week in different contexts she has allowed me to do a little bit more than she did on Wednesday (the first time in a long while that I had tried). What seems to work best is not setting it up as a thing we are going to do and not even mentioning anything in any way. If she asks me to rub her back or leg then I just also touch her neck for a short time. This morning she let me do the gentlest of squeezes along one sternocleidomastoid. That felt like a tiny miracle. 

Sarah screams. A lot. The duration is usually short but the volume is loud. I am so tired of this. Anything that we ever do that she likes seems to turn into something that she screams about when the answer is no. She is also more screamy when she is hungry or needs to pee.

Sometimes I am full of love for my kids and my life and I remember that the earliest thought of what I wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. Sometimes I want to walk out the front door by myself and just keep walking. Sometimes I am grateful that Sarah helps me learn the resiliency of my love and determination. Sometimes I feel so depleted I feel no love and only resentment. Sometimes I can see that I am a power mama. Sometimes I feel like anything but. I feel like quite a package of inconsistencies. 

Last weekend I took a class and had trouble getting an Uber home because I wasn’t in a prime location. For a little while we thought Carl and the girls might need to come get me, but then I did get a ride arranged. Meanwhile, Sarah took Carl’s car key, went outside, unlocked the car, and got in. When Carl found her she said she was going to get me. That is so sweet! And amazing and slightly alarming that she could do so much without waiting for a grown-up. Since our car has a stick shift I don’t think she could have done more than she did, so that is good. 

Swim lessons were postponed due to the ear infection. 

Love to all.

April 8

This week Amy explained some artwork to me. It had been created by Sc, Sarah, and Amy and each paper Easter egg was different. Amy explained that Sarah had used all stickers, Sc had used all crayon, and that she had used mixed media! I nearly fell over with her use of such grown up vocabulary.

Sarah’s bus has been so good and reliable for the past few weeks and was mostly good this week, but had a few snags. The snags feel so disrespectful. I understand that problems occur and that subs must be used and that sometimes they have to do a different route first. I don’t understand not communicating this more clearly to the school. Note to self: if there is a sub in the morning that has to do a different route first so I end up driving Sarah myself, then I should just say I will also get her in the afternoon. Next note to self: if first note is not remembered, then when the first call comes in to say that the bus will be late and hasn’t yet reached the school, get in the car and go get Sarah. Sigh. Apparently the reliable driver has been shifted to a different route. I do not like this change and will investigate the options for getting him back.

Sarah and I had screamy times this week where we were both on the wrong ball. Once I let myself scream louder and longer than usual. What was interesting is that then she was the one to soften first and say she was sorry and that we had been on the wrong ball. She even gave me kisses. Not that I want to repeat my yelling and not that I think it was the best solution, but what I liked is that I didn’t censor myself in the moment and the experience as a whole somehow felt cleaner. 

I am getting bored with some of how Sarah expresses her anger. I am hoping this will help me shrug it off more instead of getting all caught up and yelling too.

I had an interesting experience Friday night. It was a first. I was congratulated by someone I barely know who thought I was either pregnant or had just had a baby. Part of me was just puzzled. Then I thought, “Oh dear, I shouldn’t have worn this sweater that might follow the curves of my middle in such a way as to make it look like I am pregnant.” Then I thought, “I can never eat again. I should have been engaging my abs more!” When I got home I did cry hard for a couple of minutes about how I felt terrible, but that was the culmination of other things from the week too. But then, actually, upon reflection I don’t really feel that bad. In fact, I think it might not really matter at all. I don’t have the energy to be upset by this. I don’t want to spend my precious minutes of life worrying about my belly that in fact is not flat. I have had children and I do like to eat, sometimes more than is required. And my peeps do love me anyway. So maybe I could shrug the comment off the way I would if someone congratulated me on getting a dog. That would be erroneous too and I wouldn’t be phased by it. Confused perhaps, but I wouldn’t be offended or feel hurt or self-conscious. In general I have noticed that I have a smaller tolerance for feeling yucky and hurt. It just isn’t fun to feel that way and at least sometimes I am able to shift gears and focus on what is lovely in my life and go towards expressing love. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel yucky and hurt and angry and judgmental. I really do and I go full tilt. I just don’t stay full tilt for as long as maybe I used to. 

On Friday the girls will have their first swim lesson. Fingers crossed.

Love, love, love to all.

April 1

Last Sunday I told Sarah she had show and tell with the letter V and I asked her if she wanted to take something with velcro or a toy vegetable or a foam letter V. She replied, “a vehicle.” I was humbled in the best way! I love it when I am caught at underestimating her.

Later that day, Amy came to my desk to get a pencil. I pointed out that she had 100 in her drawer and that I only had one. She said, “I only need one.” I love it!

Sarah did a Facetime call with Mom-mom. It was the longest call they have ever had. Mom-Mom did lots of joining about sad faces in response to Sarah pretending to eat her pretend food. Before the phone call Sarah and I had been singing a song and so I asked a few times if Sarah would sing a song to Mom-Mom. She kept saying no and giggling. Mom-mom would pretend to be sad. Then after many minutes and rounds of this, there was a pause and Sarah started singing! This was such a good reminder of Son-Rise and why joining is important. It is the way in. It is the way to connect. Sarah’s verbal isms are so connected with delighted eye contact that sometimes I have to remind myself that she is still isming. 

Sarah’s hearing seems to be back to normal!! 

Thanks to Grandma providing childcare, Carl and I had a mini-vacation Wednesday night through Thursday evening when I went to work. It was a belated birthday celebration for me and it was wonderful. It was surprisingly rejuvenating just to be away together for a day. Sometimes we don’t have or make much time to talk. It was lovely to have so much time to talk about anything and everything and nothing. We also brought our nerd books to read! I love that we both love our work so much that we wanted to bring rather academic books for our fun time. 

Lots of love to all of you.