May 25

It was a totally amazing and wonderful week! I had new thoughts and intentions and I kept them until Saturday morning. My new intention is to feel like I am on vacation all the time, with that ease and joy and lack of time pressure. I have a truly, deeply, amazingly, wonderful life and I want to embrace that and revel in it. I am the one making the schedule and most of the rules, so why not be gentle instead of beating myself to go faster or do more? Interestingly enough, I got in about 8 hours of Sarah-Rise time in the room. Easily! With fun and joy! Sarah didn't resist it at all. I asked Carl to help me remember my intention and he asked how he could do that because if I need a reminder then I might not be in a frame of mind to take a reminder kindly. I didn't have an answer so he created the Intention Dance, in which he cavorts around ridiculously. How can anyone stay uptight in the face of an Intention Dance? (Well, apparently I can because yesterday morning I was firmly attached to being grumpy and having a hard time, intention dance or no. I do not handle things with the greatest aplomb when Carl has to work on the weekend and the girls seem extra whiney or screamy.) 

But, really, it was an amazing Monday-Friday overall.  Awesome SR sessions, wonderful outdoor play, and a fun field trip to playground and the Aviary. We went to get hair trims for the girls and it was Amy's first cut done by someone other than me. (On the way home from the haircut Amy threw up in the car. Friday evening as I cleaned up the family room, I discovered that our cat had been peeing in the box of My Little Ponies and Barbies so I had to give all of the dolls baths. Then the cat threw up.)

I have been continuing my slow process of getting more information and organization regarding home schooling. I don't know if the core curriculum stuff is required for us, but I did look through all of the PA core curriculum standards for PreK. I had planned to look through Kindergarten standards too, but the preK stuff was enough and is clearly where we are. Some of it seems totally do-able and some of it seems like something that "in my day..." I did in first or second grade. Anyway, it has been helpful to look at and think about because it helps me think differently about how to expand my play with Sarah, which probably makes the play more interesting.

On Monday, Sarah and I created the dungeon game. She said something about poor Sarah Bucket Head in a dungeon, which is a reference to Snow White and Prince Bucket Head. I started building a dungeon around Sarah, using milk block cartons. She crawled through the space between two of them and I said she had squeezed through the bars. She found this funny and did it again. I then took on the role of the prison guard and picked her up, rocking her a few times as I threw her back into the dungeon. She escaped again! I continued to expand my responses, throwing her over my shoulder, going down an imaginary spiral staircase, having rats scurry over her feet, slamming the milk carton door closed, sliding an imaginary bolt, locking several locks, etc. She kept escaping and then would come stand right in front of me waiting for recapture. It was so cute! And so fun! And tiring. As soon as my energy waned, Sarah started isming, stepping in and out of the dungeon but without the interactive play. Maybe she was tired too. She then used the potty and escaped to her room, but I had the perfect scenario for bringing her back so I threw her over my shoulder and we resumed interactive play. Throughout the week we have returned to the dungeon play many times. We have also had many ism/joining times stepping in and out of the dungeon. I am so glad to have had that time. Having two hours is great because unexpected things can happen and I also have time to really be with myself and notice my own thoughts. With joining an ism I still go on a thought journey, reminding myself that it is perfect, it is a way to say I love you to Sarah, it is exactly the most helpful thing to do, exactly what I should be doing in that moment. What is interesting is that often once I have my thoughts clear, Sarah is ready to reconnect with me.

Sarah and I had lots of play involving eating ice cream with milk block cartons as ice cream and markers as spoons. I often offer her peanut butter ice cream to help her practice saying, "No, thanks, I'm allergic." We added several toppings, including whipped cream of the sort my family calls "shush" because of the sounds it makes coming out of the can. Sarah made the sound. We added cherries and ate them, being careful not to eat the stem. One day we made money. I held the paper and Sarah cut along the folded line I had made. She has improved immensely with her use of scissors. She can do it with one hand! She wrote numbers on the money as I dictated the denominations. Then she came to my ice cream store and sorted through her purse to find the correct bill. She bought three different things from me! This took some coaching on my part, but she was willing.

In response to last week's update, a family member sent me the following quotation from Abraham-Hicks. It seems quite perfect for me on this journey and it is what helped me with my latest intention, so I will end with it as a way of helping me reaffirm my intention once again:

"Mining the moment for something that feels good, something to appreciate, something to savor, something to take in, that's what your moments are about. They're not about justifying your existence. It's justified. You exist. It's not about proving your worthiness. It's done. You're worthy. It's not about achieving success. You never get it done. It's about "How much can this moment deliver to me?" And some of you like them fast, some of you like them slow. No one's taking score. You get to choose. The only measurement is between my desire and my allowing. And your emotions tell you everything about that." - Abraham

May 18

Usually, when I see friends who get these updates, I feel that I have nothing to tell them when they ask how I am doing. This week I had the lovely gift of people asking how I was, wanting to really know the nitty gritty details and I let myself spill it all out instead of thinking I had nothing new to say. So, here is some more spillage.

I am doing really well and I am floundering about and struggling. I am middling. I am blah. I am introspective as I consider the big picture of life. My step-grandma recently died and I went to Delaware for three days for the memorial service and family gatherings. It was really wonderful to see so many family members that I don't often get to see. I was very moved by seeing a picture of my step-grandma when she was about Sarah's age. How can we go through all of these phases of life and then not be here?? How is she not here anymore in her usual form? How am I not still 7 years old? How is it possible that Sarah and Amy, if we are lucky, will grow up and have kids? How is it possible that I will grow old? And I sincerely hope I do. I hope to stay mentally and physically fit, but I do indeed hope to be a grandmother and great-grandmother. And yet, how is that possible? 

I am so critical of myself in so many areas but I am contemplating the idea that maybe it is all ok. Maybe it is ok if I don't work the hardest, eat the healthiest of anyone, lose a couple of pounds. Maybe I am still allowed to exist and be happy. Maybe I don't need to justify my existence and my choices. And, yet, with regard to Sarah, I do in fact have to justify my choices somewhat so the various powers-that-be let us continue. But maybe I have more leeway with this than I think.

We stopped Sarah's supplements over a week ago because her skin was having such strong and varied reactions. We are still waiting for her skin to fully heal and then I will start the supplements again but one at a time so I can tell which ones are a problem. This feels frustrating to be in a holding pattern, waiting before we can move on. I also feel like I have relaxed a lot compared to the early days of our various dietary changes. I am more accepting that this may take a while and that eventually we will move forward.

When I was away, Carl and the girls spent some time with some neighborhood kids. Sarah was isming with a large umbrella and not responding to a child who was saying, "Talk. Why don't you talk? can't you talk?" or something like that. Amy came over and said, "She can talk!" I'm not sure if this was defending her sister or more correcting an error on the part of the other child. Sarah can talk and Amy knows it and Amy likes everything to be stated correctly.

I was pleased with one of our art projects this week. Sometimes the girls try to push each other off a chair when they want to sit where the other is sitting. I started talking to them about this and using some language from Pete the Cat books. Amy wanted to see the actual book so I decided we would make one. I found coloring pages of Pete online and printed several. I wrote some text about Pete's Seat, making two copies of each page and then giving them to the girls to color. I love our new books! 

In talking with my mom yesterday I once again saw how clearly I believe that I have to be working hard in order to make a difference or be ok. We laughed about how I could work hard at taking it easy and my mom quipped, "put your back into it!" I love that. Perhaps I can actually let things flow more relaxedly if I acknowledge the effort it sometimes takes to let things go. So I do intend, at least for a day or two, to put my back into it! 

When Carl and I were talking about eating and my various intentions and struggles he commented that what helps him is saying he will have xyz first (eg veggies) and then if he is still hungry he can have whatever treat was seeming enticing. This has proved quite helpful in the day I've had it in my mind. If I tell myself I shouldn't have xyz at all ever then I almost immediately have it because I can't stand the restriction. Telling myself that there is no restriction, just a possible delay, is helping me make choices more in line with my intentions. I wonder if this could further apply to my SR intentions and being ok if things don't go as I think they should.

I have not done any official SR time in the room this week. I was gone for 3 days, and then on Thursday and Friday when I suggested we could go do mom-Sarah time, Sarah yelled, "no! no! no! no Sarah-Rise room!" I haven't wanted to force it and haven't felt great about her response. When a volunteer arrives, Sarah eagerly and quickly goes to the room, so this is not about the room. I am uncertain about how to proceed given that with the intention of homeschooling I have the plan of a slightly more regulated schedule of events. I certainly can still give Sarah focused attention outside of the room but it is different. And it's not that she doesn't want to be with me. She spent many minutes this morning cuddling on my lap, tucked into my bathrobe, pretending to be a baby. (Amy really wanted to be on my lap too so I recited Pete's Seat as I encouraged her to find a different seat). Maybe I have been feeling that I should go in the room and maybe Sarah is picking up on that and not wanting to be with should energy. Maybe if I put my back into chilling out more then she will want to go in the room more. Does that count as relaxing more if I am then peeking to see if it works? But if it does work to really chill out and then Sarah still thrives, how can it be that easy?? how can that be ok?

Amy and I played Cootie this morning, a recent find at a yard sale. I was really struck by how easy it was to play a game with her. She waited while I explained things, she wanted help with taking her turn. There was no rush. Often when I play games with Sarah it is mostly about my goal of playing a game with her and I feel like I must be extra dynamic and speedy to keep her interest and show her it is fun. Perhaps I can learn from my time with Amy and let myself slow down more with Sarah. Maybe this would be more effective. Or, if she then preferred to do something else, maybe that is information too and that I don't need to force it. 

I think part of my recent struggly feelings are due to resisting Sarah's condition/situation. My efforts in all realms are really to fix it. But I am tired and want to be done. My mom pointed out that maybe I am ready to be done with some part of how I approach our situation. For instance, perhaps it is time to really let go of feeling responsible or like there is something to fix and that I should have done so already. But how can I just be? I feel like I must be driven by a goal of helping Sarah, but I also know I am actually more creative when I am most relaxed. This feels like an internal conundrum and tug-of-war, even though it is probably actually all going toward the same truth. And if we are all going to die anyway then maybe I could stop sweating everything so much. 

May 11

On the way upstairs to write this, I stopped by our chocolate stash and picked out a partially eaten bar, initially intending to break off a chunk. Then I thought better of it, it being Mother's Day and all, so I put the whole thing in my bathrobe pocket. At this point, Carl and I burst into gales of deep belly laughter. I love that I can be so rustically, genuinely, messily me and that we can have a shared, loving laugh about it. 

Yesterday, when I thought of writing this update, I considered having it be quite brief: "I'm tired."

Because I am. So tired. The two hour nap that Carl let me have yesterday was awesome and did wonders for my feeling more loving towards the world. But I am still tired. I love love love our program and I love spending so much time with my girls and cooking good food for them and shopping for good ingredients and thinking about how to make their growing up wonderful. And sometimes I want to scream and turn in my resignation and just walk away from it all. Sometimes I am so tired of Amy's whining and Sarah's screaming. Sometimes I wonder how it is possibly time to make more food again because didn't I just make food yesterday?? Sometimes I am so tired of the mess that our house so often is. But would I want to step out of my role and give it to someone else? No way! Hands off! But, yes, please, I do want to keep the short breaks and all of the wonderful amazing support I have. 

Yesterday we went to a birthday party at Gymkhana, where the girls used to take gymnastics a year ago. Sarah was amazing. Sometimes at home I can feel like Amy is better at listening and following directions, but she actually had a harder time at the party and on a few occasions told me she wanted to be alone (so she could cry in a foam donut ring). Overall Amy had  a good time, but I was really struck by how much older Sarah was than Amy in this situation. I love it when Sarah stands out as the older of the two! I love it so fiercely! Somehow it is how things should be. When the class started, Sarah went in and sat on the line with the other kids just as the teacher had instructed. We didn't say anything! Sarah watched, listened, and attempted to do almost all of the physical warm-ups. My favorite moment was when they were supposed to sit with their knees bent and legs splayed out to either side like wings and then to touch their nose to their knees. Sarah brought her knee up close to her nose so touching it was not a problem! Sarah easily stood in line to do the various activities. She did the zip line! The first two times the instructor helped her, but not on her last turn. As Carl pointed out, this instructor is used to helping hundreds of kids on the zip line so she has a good sense of who needs help and who doesn't. On her third turn, Sarah didn't need help! She has abs and biceps of steel, keeping herself tightly coiled for the duration of her ride.

We made Sarah-friendly ice cream this week. We used an ice cream maker ball so the girls made ice cream by passing the ball back and forth. Awesome and delicious. This is the first "real" ice cream that Sarah has had in 18 months. I made it with coconut milk, mint tea leaves (I didn't have fresh mint and my extract had gone bad), honey, chocolate, and avocado. I am excited to try other recipes and I have empty cardboard pint cartons on the way.

Sarah and I had some fun SR sessions, pretending to eat ice cream by the bucket-full and singing Oscar-the-Grouch's song, "I love trash." We also had days where we did no SR together because when I suggested it I received a firm, "no!" and I didn't want to force it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's reading this. I am grateful for all of the people who help me be the best mom I can be. I am grateful to my girls for making me a mom. I am grateful to my Mom for being deeply amazing, encouraging, and steadfastly supportive. In talking to her once, I said that "mom" is one of the best words in the English language. Indeed. (Although I don't always feel that way at 2am when it is being called out repeatedly by someone who wants socks or a tuck-in or just to make sure I am around). I am grateful for my wonderful additional moms (step and in-law). I am grateful to Sonia for being an additional mom to my girls. It is pretty awesome to essentially have a third parent for the girls on a daily basis.

May you have space for yourself and whatever feelings you have regarding your own mother and being a mother (whether you are or aren't).

May 4

This week we officially started all of the various supplements recommended by the naturopath. We will increase the amounts of some of them in the coming weeks,. Even as it is, it is a heck of a lot of stuff! Some supplements are chewable, some get mixed with food, and a couple are pills that Sarah has to swallow. The amazing thing is that Sarah can swallow pills! Easily!! I think I was 10 when I learned how. She actually takes everything easily. I just have to make sure I stagger things appropriately through the day. It is too early to tell if they are making a difference, though she is definitely having some skin reactions known as "die-off" from the bad bugs being killed by the probiotics. So this is good but makes her skin look a bit unhappy.

I met with a psychologist this week regarding my homeschooling intentions. We will need to have our program officially approved by a psychologist and I feel quite good about the woman I met on Wednesday. We found her through the same friend who referred us to our beloved team member G., so I felt good going into the meeting. Now to write a curriculum.

I have started calling my time with the girls "Mom-Sarah time" and "Mom-Amy time" and the time they spend with others also gets name pairings. This feels great. It helps me stay in touch with my purpose of being with Sarah in the SR room or outside, rather then getting to caught up in needing to reach our goals yesterday. It also helps me spend one on one time with Amy instead of trying to do everything on my to-do list.

There have been many tiny moments this week that felt notable...

Sarah asked for fresh avocado pudding and Carl didn't know how to make it. Sarah told him exactly what to do, including showing him where the food processor lives! She didn't know the amounts and the avocados weren't ripe so it very tart unripe avocado pudding, but she still ate it.

When Carl was with the girls yesterday and fell asleep on the sofa, he was awakened by Sarah leaning over his face and saying, "wake up."

When L. came for her SR session, I was saying something to L and Sarah shut the door on me so she could begin her time with L. I love how much Sarah adores her volunteers.

Thursday I didn't get much time with the girls since I was getting an MRI of my head just as a routine check regarding my cluster headaches. Given the long wait time to have the MRI, I wasn't at home much in the afternoon before going to work. I had 30 minutes to share between the girls. Sarah was in the SR room looking at loose pictures. I sat down with her. She got up and closed the door saying, "Mom and Sarah time." Then she went back to looking at loose pictures. I have heard so many instances of Son-Rise kiddos asking to play with a parent and going into their SR room and isming. This felt like my moment. Such wonderful proof that even when Sarah is seemingly exclusive, she is still glad to have me there doing the same thing she is. Before my 15 minutes were up Sarah had already moved into more connected play with me. 

Yesterday, when the girls were watching something and I was about to clean the kitchen, Sarah came in and said, "Mom, come sit with me" and took my hand to lead me to the couch. While Sarah is often connected and wanting my presence, this specific scenario hasn't yet occurred. It was awesome! Such a clear, clean moment.

Last week I mentioned Sarah's verbal isms of repeating "Oh no, the play be ruined!" She also likes the phrase, "Poor poor bucket head!" These reference different stories but are often said in conjunction with each other. I joined by saying the same things but with the word she was missing. The next day, she said each phrase more fully, with the missing words, "Oh no, the play will be ruined" and "Poor Prince bucket head!"

When we went for a walk Amy began her usual game of hiding behind trees. Sarah joined in. Both are in plain sight and totally adorable.  Amy is the most awesome, persistent inviter. She often tells Sarah to jump, stomp, clap, or sing with her. I couldn't possibly have designed a better person than Amy to help Sarah with her kid-interactions. 

On Friday I took Amy to her class field trip at the Aviary. When she was done with the field trip we went to the surrounding park and she ran around for an hour. Some of her running was across a bridge that is dear to my heart. It is the bridge where Carl and I had our picture taken right before our wedding at the Aviary nearly 12 years ago.

Yesterday we discovered that Sarah can work the top sliding lock on our front door! This was our back-up lock because she can unlock the regular lock. Our resourceful sneak brought the kitchen step-stool over to the front door to accomplish her feat, which was discovered when Carl tried to open the door and couldn't. The even sneakier bit is that Sarah didn't leave the stool right in front of the door. It was still in the entry way, with trails of old dust bunnies as evidence of her movements.

Last night I felt very despairing about my occasional grumpiness with the girls, my inability to eat healthily myself as often as I think I should, my decided lack of oomph sometimes as I face another kitchen to clean, more food to make, more clutter to organize, etc. The wonderful thing is that even with my lack of perfection, I am still running an effective, helpful Sarah-Rise program. I share my trouble spots in the hopes of helping other people know that they don't have to be perfect to still run a program or make a difference. I can feel like I am bumbling along, knowing on some level that I am actually still managing and doing a ton. I have times that I feel amazing and times that I don't. I have times that I think I am the best mom ever and times that I feel the opposite. And somehow, it is all ok and Sarah still loves me and grabs my hand to have me spend time with her, just as I will continue to reach for her hand regardless of how many times she screams about anything. What a beautiful thing persistent bumbling love is.