December 26: Adventures and Misadventures

Merry Christmas, happy solstice, and peaceful winter! 

We are in Florida. I was nervous before we left for our trip, worrying that someone would get sick and the whole trip would fall apart. I often feel like I’m anticipating illness or a seizure, as if waiting for a shoe to drop. I am simultaneously worried that my fear will bring it to pass while believing that my fear and vigilance is necessary because if I relax then that is when things will go poorly. I do not recommend this way of being. I’m working on shifting things for myself. 

Nothing went wrong before our trip and the kids did really well with all the aspects of travel. They were extremely patient many times with the flight, waiting for an hour to get our luggage, getting the rental car, and getting our hotel room and luggage storage sorted. For the flight itself we had three seats together and one seat quite separate. Carl arranged for me to be on my own so I could rest and read. That was a lovely surprise gift. 

For our first day at Universal Studios and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, I felt more at ease than I expected to be. My priority was connecting with Sarah. When we tried doing the Olivander’s Wand experience, Sarah was stressed and started complaining loudly. I asked if there was a way she and I could leave the room. Luckily we could leave easily, but then we were in the main store area. She sat down on the floor and was starting to melt down. I somehow coaxed her outside. Then in the middle of a busy pedestrian thoroughfare, with people and noises all around, I was able to focus on her as if we were the only two people in existence. With my head close in front of hers I started talking about all of the various clothing items that I have that she likes to discuss in terms of where I got them. Within a minute we were peacefully and happily connected. After five minutes she was ready to resume being in the world around us. I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to handle things in that manner rather than getting tight and upset towards her. 

Overall we had a great day. We ate at the Three Broomsticks, drank pumpkin juice and butter beer, tried spells with wands from Olivander’s, outfitted Amy in Ravenclaw robes, helped Amy adopt a Pigmy Puff, went through King’s Cross station to platform 9 3/4, rode the Hogwarts Express to and from Hogsmeade, and walked over 10000 steps. We were also startled by the fire-breathing dragon outside Gringott’s bank. This dragon scared the crap out of Amy so then she rushed past it anytime we were in the area. Meanwhile, Amy surprised us on multiple occasions with her confidence and clarity when speaking to strangers such as when ordering donuts for the family or arranging for the Pigmy Puff adoption announcement. 

Sarah really liked the singing frogs that were part of a Hogwarts choir. The frogs had big mouths that opened and closed. Sarah now likes to open and close her mouth while pretending to be a frog. Both kids also liked Fievel’s world based on Fievel Goes West (unrelated to Harry Potter). That was a playground of sorts with everything made from buttons or books enlarged so you felt like you were the size of a mouse. 

We ended our first Universal day with time at the pool. Unfortunately Sarah’s chosen way of playing while floating and singing at the same time resulted in many moments of swallowing a bit of pool water. This seemed like not too much at the time but in hindsight may have ruined the day that was to come. 

For day two the plan was to split up so Carl and Amy could do rides that might be too scary for Sarah and me, while Sarah and I did more time at Fievel’s world. We did split up but shortly afterward Sarah grabbed my arm as if unsteady and said “ow, ow, ow, my head!” I led her to a place to sit. Someone who worked at the park checked on us and told us where to find health services if we needed Advil or something. I texted Carl to return. When he and Amy got to us we all went to health services. 

We thought Sarah just needed Advil and a quiet room for a bit. So Carl and Amy went off to do more. Then Sarah started throwing up repeatedly. Almost all of it was phlegm. Or as Sarah called it, pukus. She was miserable. The only good thing, if you can see it that way, is that this has happened routinely in Sarah’s life that she gets too much phlegm and this is the only way to get it out. So while she seems sick it isn’t a bug. So I was pretty sure I knew how it would play out and that she was fundamentally ok. However, it was going on for a long time and the nurse suggested we go to an Urgent care so they could give Sarah something to stop the vomiting. I had her use the toilet while we waited for a wheelchair so I could walk her back to the hotel. 

After that, as we walked, it seemed that Sarah had rounded the bend and was on the mend. She still needed to take it easy, but no more came up and out. She and I found a sofa and snuggled while waiting for Carl and Amy to get back. After a while I took out some crackers because I was hungry. Sarah wanted them which seemed like a good sign. While she had crackers I got a selection of food and drink. She was eager for all of it and it sat well in her belly. So the rest of the day went well and we got to our rental house in St Petersburg in time for me to get groceries before the store closed early on Christmas Eve. 

Sarah was ready to start Christmas at 4:30am! We made her wait until 5:30 to wake Amy. At least our early start made it easy to watch the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope. My uncle John Mather has been working on that project as the Senior Project Scientist since 1995. We were excited to see his interview in the NASA coverage. I felt teary watching the actual launch. If you missed it and want to see the coverage, here is a link. John is on around minute 21 and a half. As I was growing up whenever I performed, my mom always said she wanted to stand up and say “that’s my daughter!” Now I get to electronically stand up and say, “that’s my uncle!”

 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7nT7JGZMbtM&fbclid=IwAR1ua7Bdup066KVVRLMOPIJso1P6uqv2ZGVlAJMAgllU9L75S0iFYOxQWtM

After naps and waiting for the temperature to rise, we headed to the beach. It was perfect and we lucked out with a parking place. The waves were mild and the water clear, even if cold. Beach time is one of the most relaxing ways to spend time together as a family because both girls are happily easily occupied for a long time and can do some things together such as chasing birds. Amy told me she was an assistant bird chaser for her musical note boss (Sarah.) We joked about how her boss sometimes gave her a rest. But, Amy said, chasing seagulls is treble. And if she doesn’t do a good job she might be given a note. 

On the way back to our rental house we had the surprising good fortune of driving past an ice cream shop that was open. So of course we stopped to indulge in a treat. Later, as I fixed dinner, the girls had fun playing with their new karaoke microphones and singing along with their favorite songs. As I write, Sarah is signing “Like a Prayer.”

Much love to all of you. May any rough patches pass quickly. 

December 19: Christmas Coziness and Nickel Feelings

I don’t know if I have mentioned that one of Sarah’s favorite songs is Madonna’s “Like a Prayer.” More often than not that is what is playing in our house on repeat. When Carl and I got married it was the second song we played at our reception, so we don’t mind hearing it one bit! Another favorite in this house is the Muppet Christmas Carol which we watch every year. We just watched it this weekend and loved it just as much as ever.

Speaking of Christmas, on Tuesday Carl wore a Rudolph outfit for a work presentation. He saw no reason to take it off before picking Amy up from Girl Scouts. She enjoyed it and was embarrassed in equal measure. Yesterday we had a small early Christmas celebration, and the kids were thrilled to get new bedding from Grammy and Granddad. Sarah’s bed now has a musical note themed comforter and a new musical note pillowcase. Amy’s bed is all Frozen themed from the sheets to the comforter. Sarah also received a Blippi doll that Carl found, and Amy got a photo book all about our cat. It was all so nice and simple to just do a couple of presents. It makes me wonder about future years and scaling back, although that is always my intention and never what happens in practice. 

On Friday morning I got a call from Sarah’s school that she wasn’t feeling well. Carl brought her home early and she got some extra rest. As with other times when she hasn’t felt the best, it seemed to pass quickly and she was acting very much herself in short order. Occasionally she said she still had a headache. I don’t know if there is sometimes something she is allergic to at school that makes her eyes itchy. I don’t know if it is a tiny microseizure that results in a headache. I am merely grasping at straws and guessing. Yesterday she had big feelings when we said she couldn’t do an extra technology turn. As I snuggled with her and listened to her tears, she started talking about losing a nickel at school on Friday because she was laughing a lot at a time when that wasn’t appropriate. I asked if she had big feelings when they took the nickel off her nickel chart. She said yes. I talked about how sometimes we feel things physically when we feel mad or sad or scared. She said, “or nickel feelings.” As with so many moments I don’t know if I was being a super insightful detective helping her tell me how things had been, or if I was putting words in her mouth in my attempt to have it be about feelings rather than actual sickness. 

I know I have written about this before, but I always get filled with fear and adrenaline when either kid is a shade under the weather. Reasoning with myself doesn’t seem to make a dent. So I just allow the feelings to be there, but they linger for a long time. It doesn’t help that Sarah likes to pretend to be her teacher calling me to say she isn’t feeling well. She often seems to be totally well when she makes the pretend calls but it still works to press my low-level adrenaline buttons. 

Sarah often helps Carl make Hello Fresh meals on weekends. He says that she is becoming increasingly adept and truly helpful. 

Amy’s school has changed things pertaining to winter break so it is 4 days longer than it originally was. She starts two days earlier and goes two days later. Many parents are upset as they scramble to arrange childcare. Since Carl can work from home and Amy can be pretty independent, we are luckily not among those scrambling. But. The other change is that her first three days of school in 2022 will be virtual. When I told her the news she was extremely upset. I think for all the grace with which she handled last year’s virtual school situation, it was harder on her soul than may be outwardly apparent. It is as if she was being told she has to endure torture again. I assured her that if it really just felt like too much mentally and emotionally she could just take those days as absences. I’m sure she will rally and attend, but if not, I really don’t want to break her spirit for three days of school. Meanwhile, Sarah has started requesting virtual school again, but that is not an option for her. 

As I step over and around the constantly shifting but never-ending mess of our house, and as I navigate the shifting waters of various stressful moments, I keep reminding myself that some day all of this will be a memory. I also remind myself of this when we have snuggly wonderful moments of reading kids’ Christmas books in bed together or building a large wooden marble run together. It may be trite, but it is nonetheless true that this too shall pass. At this moment I find it a helpful reminder to be slightly more relaxed about the stressful moments and hold on a bit tighter to the snuggly moments. I feel slightly more full of love and acceptance of things being as they are. You can remind me of this later when Sarah pretends to call her teacher and I inwardly lose my sugar cookies.

Lots of love to all of you. May you feel some peace even in your rough moments.

December 12: School Friends!

Friends! On Friday, we saw Sarah with her school friends and it filled our hearts. Well, Carl’s and mine. Amy was rather jealous whenever Sarah was part of her school group getting pictures taken before their performance at the St. Anthony School Program holiday party. The way Amy expressed her jealousy was by complaining about how boring everything was. But it was really wonderful seeing Sarah with her friends as they laughed with each other. It wasn’t that Sarah was having big conversations, but she had small interactions, and it definitely felt like we were getting a window into her school life. One of Sarah’s friends was next to her for the performance of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and he helped make sure she wasn’t hidden behind Santa at the end. When I sent a message to his mom about how sweet that was, she said he often talked about helping Sarah during the rehearsals and that he sits with her almost every day at lunch. Melt my heart!! 

To back up a bit, last weekend we made a gingerbread house and decorated it, as we do every year. I made the gingerbread, tracing pieces of cardboard for the walls and roof. I baked the pieces much longer than I would bake cookies so that they were firm. Using frosting as glue, the walls were erected and dried for at least 12 hours before the roof was added. Then that had to dry for another 12 hours before the house was stable enough to have more frosting and lots of candy added to it. A yummy time was had by all. Amy made a wall with magical items such as a wand and cauldron. She also made a cat face. Sarah made an EXIT sign out of Andes mints.

Amy and Carl started a letter war. I’m not sure how it began but somehow they started taping Qs and Zs and As on little slips of paper all over the house, trying to surprise each other with new locations. There were many moments when Carl was walking around with letters taped to his back. 

We also watched a Mariah Carey Christmas special and the kids loved it. Amy ran upstairs to get in fancy clothes. She brought her microphone that she made from modeling clay and she gave Sarah a marker to use as a microphone. They stood in front of the tv singing along to the best of their ability. It was super adorable. 

In other news, someone on Sarah’s school van tested positive for Covid. She isn’t considered a close contact because she wasn’t sitting next to the person, she is vaccinated, and all were wearing masks. So she doesn’t have to quarantine, according to the policy of her school. The bus and driver do though because they are part of the Pittsburgh Public School system so the policy is different. When I first heard the news about a case on her van my life for the next couple of weeks flashed before my eyes as I was concerned she would have to be home. So the fact that I have to drive her to and from school every day through December 20th feels like no trouble at all! I did have to rearrange my clients a bit and unfortunately had to cancel a few appointments. Carl also needs to stay home longer each morning to get Amy to school, but these seem like small accommodations to make. The ridiculous thing is that the bus can drive Sarah again on December 21, which is her last day before winter break. However, that is also the only day when I couldn’t easily pick her up, so perhaps all of this is perfect. 

Sarah continues to have startle seizure moments in her sleep. Overall I think these happen less frequently than they used to, but she seems to be having slightly bigger moments when they do happen. They sound like possible seizures from afar but by the time we get to her she is sitting up and just wants to be tucked in. Or she says, “that’s better.” One night she told me her lips didn’t feel ok. That was disturbing information, but I couldn’t get any more details or clarity from her. 

Anyway, overall things are good. We are mostly ready for Christmas and we plan on making gingerbread cookies today.

May you all have a friend who notices if your light is being blocked, and gently guides you to inhabiting your full and clear space.

December 5: Teeth Extraction, Exit signs, and Ooooh!

Last Sunday we got our Christmas tree and decorated it. This process was less stressful than it has been in some years. I gave myself more time to get organized before the kids came to help, and I set up a card table with hooks and ornaments. This made for a more controlled process instead of a free-for-all during which I usually scramble to keep up with their pace. 

Sarah had a rough Monday because she had two grown-up teeth extracted that morning to help with overcrowding in her jaw. She took a pill to help her be relaxed and the oral surgeon also used laughing gas. Carl reported that in the middle of the procedure the surgeon said, “Sarah you are amazing.” She responded in her best drawled sing-song voice, “I am?” She had a low-key day after that, skipping her swim lesson because exercise isn’t allowed within 24 hours of an extraction because it could raise blood pressure and break clots. She didn’t seem upset about missing swimming, which tells you that she wasn’t feeling the best. She did go to her piano lesson because she really wanted to do so, and I figured that would be ok. Tuesday she stayed home from school. At first I wasn’t sure if that was the right decision because she woke easily and was acting like she felt well. But at the mention of school she screamed and protested vehemently. It is easy for me to have a substitute teacher on Tuesdays while I have teachers-in-training, so I stayed home with Sarah. She slept all morning and wanted me snuggled by her side the whole time. 

The rest of the week was a bit challenging in terms of meals and mornings. Sarah could only eat very soft food but didn’t want many options that I thought might work. Thank goodness for yogurt and ice cream. As for mornings, even when no one has any teeth removed, Sarah’s mornings are always a bit of a gamble as to how they will go. Some days she gets ready for school easily, and other days she protests a lot and complains of a host of ailments even when the rest of her behavior indicates that she feels fine. She also pretends to be her teacher calling me to tell me Sarah isn’t feeling well. This gets me doubting myself in sending her to school. She can feel that doubt like a dog smells fear, so she ups her game of protest. Luckily, Carl is skilled at connecting with her about something non-school related and using that to get her moving in whatever direction is needed. 

Sarah’s latest favorite thing is to make exit signs and tape them around the house. I write the outline of the letters and she does the coloring. She is doing a much better job coloring the whole shape and staying in the lines than ever before. She also makes some signs independently. We now have exit signs above almost every door leading into a room as well as on walls. Amy likes to take such wall signs literally and walks gently but directly into a wall while laughing.

I wanted to get Playdoh advent calendars for the kids, so Sarah and I went to Target. As soon as we entered the store I felt like maybe I had made a mistake in not going alone. Sarah repeatedly ran to items that we passed while saying, “oooh!” and describing the thing and saying that she wanted it. This made for slow progress. At one point when I asked her to come with me she said, “I want to find more stuff to say ooh about.” I cracked up. Maybe we should all have more of that perspective in life. We eventually found the last two Playdoh advent calendars and returned home. Amy is  beyond thrilled to have more Playdoh and molds to go with it. I’m glad that this year we aren’t navigating making them share and take turns with one advent calendar. In this house there is no such thing as too much Playdoh. Amy is prolific with her artistic creations, and she lets them dry to preserve them. So we don’t get the brown mush of all colors mixed together that has been reused repeatedly. We just run out of dough and get more. 

May you have something to run and say “ooh” about.