Yesterday was a hard day for Pittsburgh, with a man killing several people in a synagogue. Normally I haven’t spoken much to the girls when such events happen but they were with me when I heard the news so they heard my gasp. Amy seemed to understand somewhat, although not in a way that meant she was scared or sad. I connected it to why they do lock down drills at school. It feels like a tricky balance to give weighty information lightly enough so as not to traumatize, but still wanting them to understand. The night before, Amy and I were reading a book that mentioned the devil. Amy didn’t know what that was and my explanation began with God and how different people believe different things. I explained that sometimes people get the ridiculous notion that their way is the only way and then in the name of God and love they end up doing violent things and killing people. I don’t know what more to say and do. I feel a bit numb about it. While I know we must continue to contact our politicians and vote and work for change, I feel jaded from so many past events that did not then bring the change I keep thinking must be forthcoming. I do know the city is collectively heartbroken. As I checked with some people to make sure they were at least physically ok, I thought of how it must have felt for those people who couldn’t answer such queries in the affirmative. I didn’t really want to begin an update with this, but at the same time it would feel like a glaring omission to say nothing. For the past few days I have been (un)working more at going with the flow of love and connection, especially with the girls. This tragic event boosts my intention, because a loving moment is so much more important than dishes. This requires time and again letting go of what I planned on doing in a given moment.
Sarah and I had our most successful time at gymnastics in a long time. These days it is usually Carl who takes the girls and shadows Sarah’s group, but he is out of town. The times that I go are often fraught with tension between Sarah and me, her habits, and my grief that she is not somehow different. Not yesterday. Before class, I reminded her of our time last weekend avoiding the barking dog and the prickers. I told her we were on the same team for gymnastics. The few times she started to whine or bristle, I reminded her that we were on the same team and that she didn’t need to fight me. It worked. I had some fleeting moments of heartbreak watching her really not be able to do a bridge or cartwheel, but those were mightily outweighed by feeling at ease and connected. It was so nice to get through a class and not feel like I’d been through an emotional ringer or like the worst grumpy mom ever.
Last night the girls and I went to a Halloween party at a neighbor’s house. We attend every year. This year Sarah participated in the games in a way she hasn’t in the past. Amy helped her in little moments and cheered her on. I feel like there has been a subtle but definite shift in some moments lately where Amy is stepping further into a helper role with Sarah. It is in such a peer/sister/friend way that it is beautiful.
I forgot to write last time about when I went to pick Sarah up early from school one day. I have maybe met the principal twice since 2016. The secretary wasn’t at her desk so when I arrived the principal came out to meet me. Without asking me anything, he said he would go tell Sarah I was there. My jaw dropped. That is surely a sign of a connected and attentive principal.
Sarah had a checkup with her neurologist on Wednesday. Since her appointment was in the middle of her school day I kept her home for the whole day. It was lovely to have the day together. We went to a bus shelter so she could see one of her favorite pictures. It is a Molyneaux ad with a kid that Sarah thinks looks like Amy wearing a green shirt with a green carpet in the background. She likes to talk about the kid and about the ad for hot dogs on the opposite wall of the shelter. She also enjoyed saying “zoom” as she ran back and forth pretending to be a bus. After her appointment, we went to the cafe in the hospital for Sarah-friendly chocolate milk and some pretzels and hummus. On the way out we stopped to look at the fish and at a train display. The children’s hospital could be a destination for the day! They have so many things to make waiting fun for the kids. It was hard to drag her away when it was time to go.
Sarah has been making her own sunbutter and jam sandwiches, thanks to watching episodes of Fancy Nancy.
We carved pumpkins yesterday. Amy made a pink cat pumpkin, carved with a cat face and then painted pink. Sarah made a sad-faced pumpkin. I helped with the carving and cleaning out the gooey insides.
For Halloween, Amy is dressing as a black cat and Sarah is going as Pinkalicious. If you don’t know who Pinkalicious is, trust me when I tell you that Sarah in pink and pigtails looks just like her.
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