When I arrived at home, Sarah was upset that she couldn’t get in my taxi van. Then she was crying that she missed Carl, because he was with Amy for an event at her school. This was not exactly the “Welcome home, Mom!” that I was anticipating. It was quintessentially Sarah, but it still wasn’t what I had hoped for. Her teacher said that during the time I was away she was a bit sillier and less focused at school and that the day after I returned she was more focused again. I don’t know if this is random or if that was the way Sarah’s missing me manifested. Amy leapt into my arms and hung on like a koala as she told me that she loved me and missed me so much. Re-entry after a trip is always a bit of an adjustment. This time was no different. I have handled some of it with more ease due to what I experienced and learned in my week of training. I have also had two times of losing my *T%Y#! and I wonder if that is partly because the time away was so intensely wonderful that then the adjustment to whining, uncooperative children, (especially Sarah) is harder to deal with. I don’t know. I’m also teaching this weekend so I’m not around much and I think it would make things easier overall if the girls and I had more time together. I didn’t want to be busy so soon after being gone, but it was scheduled long before I decided to take the course in England. The good thing is that my class is going wonderfully and I’m able to incorporate my new learning even though it isn’t an Alexander class.
There was a beautiful moment with Carl when Sarah said something about a subject they had covered repeatedly. Carl responded, “We already talked about that. Did you want to talk about it some more?” That was so kind and beautiful and wonderful and perfect! I love that it drew her attention to the repetition but in such a respectful way, allowing whatever she needed in that moment. Carl's creative kindness and presence repeatedly amaze me.
What also amazes me is that Sarah and I can have so many rough moments and then repeatedly return to loving connection and snuggles. This morning when I went to give her her anti-seizure medication she asked me to snuggle with her and be a sad cat. At first I was going to say no because I had other things to do, but then I realized the folly of that and embraced having sweet time with her. I could label her as stubborn and uncooperative and screamy and annoying. I could also label her as sweet, spunky, kind, and endlessly patient as my teacher, giving me continued forgiveness for my parental short-comings. Maybe it is all of it together, with me giving her continued forgiveness as well. I know I move through all of these emotions and judgements often and I’m always reaching for the love and positivity and then losing it and then reaching for it again, etc.
Sarah has been watching episodes of “Fancy Nancy.” This has resulted in her saying, “Ooh, la la” regarding her food. She also now wants to unload and load the dishwasher and get it started with soap! This is wonderful, but it also means we need to be on our toes a bit because sometimes she adds dirty dishes to those that are clean and then starts the dishwasher.
Amy’s school just had a fall festival and it was the first time at one of these festival events that I haven’t been a ball of stress. It was mostly easy and enjoyable. Overall, the girls are more independent and responsible. I think I am growing up too, realizing that I can trust them more to be farther away from me. Carl took them to get bus-building supplies yesterday and commented on how much easier it is to do such shopping trips with them now. The girls also can walk much farther without complaining. I know much of this comes with the territory of growing up, but I still want to celebrate it rather than sneeze at it.
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