October 21

We bought a Sarah-Rise house. It is a vacation house about an hour away from our home and it is beautiful. We absolutely fell in love with the giant open living space. The kitchen, living, and dining areas are really just one big room and then the bedrooms are off to either side. The house is surrounded by woods in the Laurel Highlands. We woke up to snow this morning. I’m only half joking to call it a Sarah-Rise house. That truly was part of the thinking that allowed us to do what otherwise feels a little crazy. We wanted a space that would feel like the large-scale equivalent of a Sarah-Rise room, where we can focus on being together more than we do at home when the pull of dishes and house crap is so strong. Anyway, this feels huge and strange and wonderful and exciting. The girls love it. Their room has two full beds but instead of each occupying their own bed, they decided to share. Remarkably, Sarah didn’t come to join us in our bed, which she does almost every night at home. The girls fought and played as they usually do, but fortunately this morning they played together happily for a long time while Carl and I packed to come home. They played crazy eights in their pretend hotel. 

Yesterday we wanted to go on a hike. By “we” I mean the adults. Amy was amenable but Sarah was adamantly, screamingly, cryingly opposed. She also really didn’t want to stay behind if Carl left. So. We attempted it while Sarah cried and screamed. To get to the path from our house we have to go through lots of plants, including many prickers. We made it but it was not easy. Sarah and I decided to go back to the house via a longer route of staying on the path to the road. We were almost back to our house, with Sarah still quite distressed. Then there was a dog. It was up ahead in the yard of the house we had to pass to get to our own. It was barking loudly and the size of the animal matched the bark. I had Sarah get into my arms. Then I admitted to her that I am scared of dogs too and that I really didn’t feel confident going past that dog because I couldn’t tell if it was restrained in any way. So, back we went along the path and then through the prickers. What was notable was that as soon as the dog moment happened, Sarah was calm. We were a team. We were facing adversity together. We made it back and all was well. That time together felt so good, so real, so connected and unforced. I also told her about the lengths I would go to when I was younger to avoid the dog next door, which was actually a nice dog (I assume) but it was large and stinky. The most direct way home from my bus stop led me past the house next door (we were in a twin house so when I say next door I mean, adjoining our house) and its dog. Sometimes I would go aaaaaaaallll theeeee waaaaaay arrrooooouuund aaaaa veeeeerrry looooooong blooooock to avoid the dog and approach my house from the other side.

It always fills my heart to hear or observe Carl playing with the girls. They made a rocket ship out of blankets and pillows and cardboard. All of them were on board for take-off. They also had a pillow fight when they were playing “hotel.” Did I mention that the girls’ room came with plaid sheets and striped comforters?!

I came to a decision over the weekend, during a moment of crying in the bedroom because things were feeling challenging. I noticed how often my thoughts range to wondering why Carl is with me, when I am feeling so fallible and full of the grumpitude that I’m embarrassed my kids emulate. This time I thought, “This %#(y! has got to stop! (if only I meant the grumpitude! but I don't) I am not going to ask that question again or doubt myself like that again. No one is perfect. We all have our challenges. Enough.” So that feels good. I may reach for that thought again, as one reaches for a light switch when the power is out, but I’m just going to have to turn the power off until the question goes away.

I don’t really remember much of the week prior to the weekend. Things have been much fuller than even our normal level of wonderfully busy, with all of my travel and classes and teaching and all of Carl’s travel, some of which starts tomorrow. Plus the new house and preparing to be there for the first time. I was quite proud of the number of small items I thought to bring, such as trash bags and hand lotion. So here we are. I feel incredibly blessed.