It is really easy to have revelations and solve all of my problems when the problems are not present. I swear that I had everything figured out. I remembered that when the girls scream or resist (and I mostly mean Sarah here) then it doesn’t mean that I am a bad mom. I had plans for how I could playfully navigate around the tricky times. I was implementing the plans! And then I wasn’t. Then I was going under into tightness and needing to leave the house to get Amy from school and I had no space for Sarah’s increased and strong resistance and then I was yelling and feeling like a failure for not sticking with my plan and clear thinking.
Then I had a good talk with my mom in which she gently reminded me about how this might be more of an involved inside job to clear my own stuff. Sometimes I don’t quite realize that I need to have a big cry about everything that has been feeling difficult/impossible/heartbreaking. So I did. I cried and cried. Then Sarah came in and climbed on my lap and gave me a kiss and said she would fill my snuggle tank. Then she was calm and helpful with dinner and only protested a tiny bit. Bedtime got a bit rough with the girls fighting in the bathroom and I was disappointed in my parenting again. While Carl read to the girls I had another good cry. I’m sure there is more to come. These things do accumulate. It is sort of like filling a bag of trash. Every once in a while you have to empty the can. Anyway, the beauty of all of this was remembering that sometimes I don’t have to have the answer. All I have to do is let myself feel the feelings that I have been trying not to feel. Often crying them out seems to solve things in some magical way. Possibly it is just that I have clearer and cleaner energy and the girls respond to it differently. (Wait, does this mean I can’t blame them and their stuff for my stuff?!?)
Now to back up...
Other adventures from the week include Amy coming in one night while I was cooking dinner and telling me in a panicked voice that she had put an eraser up her nose and it wouldn’t come out and that she didn’t know that was going to happen. I called Carl to discuss what I should do, imagining that I needed to take Amy to the emergency room right away. Luckily, while we talked Amy managed to blow the eraser out. I have never been so glad to see the product of someone’s nose blowing.
On Wednesday Sarah had vision therapy right after school. Sarah was upset about not going straight home and she was screaming a lot at the beginning. I was defensive about how I couldn’t get her to stop screaming. I was embarrassed that I was defensive. I was mad that she was screaming. I was thinking that if I were a better Son-Rise mom then I wouldn’t have been upset about her screaming and I would have taken her home. We slogged through. Once I was out of sight then she had a productive and easy time with the vision therapist. Then we went to get Amy, and Sarah would NOT get out of the car. I was very mad and worried about being late to get Amy. That did not feel like my best parenting moment. Anyway, for future weeks I will either have a different appointment time for Sarah or I will get her early from school so she has time at home first and/or I will have someone else get Amy. On the plus side, when we went to OT, Sarah wrote her name the best I have ever seen her do it. Once again, I feel that this is at least partially attributable to vision therapy. I think it is helping her connect her intent with her ability in a new way.
I did have a great parenting moment last weekend. Normally I have Carl do baths and hair with the girls because Sarah protests less. He was not around at the time that baths needed to happen. I predicted that Sarah would scream and protest. I did not want to do it. Then I thought about how much she loves sad faces so I decided that I would be the one having a hard time in a big playful and exaggerated way. I sat down with her and told her there was something I had to do that I really didn’t want to do. I wailed, “It’s too hard to do! I can’t do it!” She was laughing and loving it. Continuing in that vein, I carried her upstairs and got her into the tub. She only protested a little and she also repeated “it’s too hard to do” with great glee. While washing her hair I sang a Colonial-era song called “Paper of Pins.” I moved my sitting position back and forth to sing both parts. She loved it. That was a nice surprise because whenever I sing anything I never know if she will love it or tell me to "stop singing, please.”
I did have a great parenting moment last weekend. Normally I have Carl do baths and hair with the girls because Sarah protests less. He was not around at the time that baths needed to happen. I predicted that Sarah would scream and protest. I did not want to do it. Then I thought about how much she loves sad faces so I decided that I would be the one having a hard time in a big playful and exaggerated way. I sat down with her and told her there was something I had to do that I really didn’t want to do. I wailed, “It’s too hard to do! I can’t do it!” She was laughing and loving it. Continuing in that vein, I carried her upstairs and got her into the tub. She only protested a little and she also repeated “it’s too hard to do” with great glee. While washing her hair I sang a Colonial-era song called “Paper of Pins.” I moved my sitting position back and forth to sing both parts. She loved it. That was a nice surprise because whenever I sing anything I never know if she will love it or tell me to "stop singing, please.”
One of my Christmas presents was a cassette player! The most important reason that I wanted this was so I could play a tape of my dad’s stories and songs that he performed as as Colonial peddler. These are so deeply familiar to me and so much fun to hear. It was also exciting to see the girls’ reaction when they heard a bit of Granddad’s voice coming out of our music system. I also want to use this to brush up on the stories that I used to tell and that I think the girls will like.
For Sarah’s birthday at the end of the month (EGAD she will be 10! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???), I am making a photo book for her of exaggerated sad faces. Sarah loves it so much when people make sad faces. She is always asking Carl to make a sad brow and she uses her hands to make it seem like he has a large sad mouth. Creating this book is one of the most fun things ever.
Lots of love to all of you and whatever feelings you are feeling. Perhaps there is some profound lesson in how much love Sarah has for sadness. What if we gave our own sad selves that level of delight?
As usual, your internal monologue is so beautiful and inspiring when you put it down externally for all of us to read.
ReplyDeleteI had a thought about the moment at the beginning of vision therapy. From the outside, it seems like the glorious part of Son-Rise is meeting kids where they are and letting them be where they are. The problem is that this is really hard when dealing with the rest of the world (vision therapy, picking Amy up...) where the world works on a schedule. And that creates a huge stress. It feels like in order to keep with the schedule, you have to ignore Sarah's true feelings and where she is. (Tell me if I am wrong about your feelings).
I am thinking back to an interaction I saw at my daughter's school that I learned so much from. A child had been quitting board games whenever the game wasn't going her way. The teacher told her about the importance of accepting bad results in games and how dropping out of games affects her friends. Then she set up the expectation that the child was going to play a game with friends all the way through. Well, when she had to put a cherry back, the child started wailing and saying that she wanted to quit. The teacher simply said, "I hear you crying and I understand that this is feeling hard, but it will not change my mind about you finishing the game." It was brilliant. She recognized the feelings. She showed that she was comfortable with the feelings. But she also showed the child that she trusted that the child could get through the feelings. It sounds like Sarah may be ready for that kind of thing. May be it would be something like, "I hear your screams. I know that you want to be at home. But I believe that once you start, you will enjoy vision therapy like you usually do. So we are staying." Or something much simpler with the same ideas.
Like you, I struggle with that duality for myself. Sometimes it feels like if I let the feelings in then I won't be able to move on. I know logically that if I let myself have the feelings then moving on with my day/week/month will be so much easier, but in the moment I don't trust that the two are compatible. Reading your blog is always a reminder to me that letting the feelings be what they are does not preclude continuing with life.
Thank you! That is a helpful thought about how to respond and I appreciate your support and encouragement!
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