February 18

When we got to piano lessons on Monday the teacher asked who wanted to go first and both girls yelled “me! me!” while heading for the bench. The teacher did a joint lesson for most of the time. I love that the girls love it so much!

Swim lessons were amazing. Amy now wears goggles, is learning the butterfly, and is practicing diving down to the bottom to pick up rings. Meanwhile, because there are currently no other minnows with Sarah, she gets a private lesson, essentially doubling her amount of time with the instructor. A couple of times she pushed away from the wall and started floating all by herself! I don’t think I will ever stop being amazed.

Last night I awoke to odd thumping sounds coming from the girls’ room. I went to check, adrenaline slightly elevated. Sarah was in the closet. She said it was a tight squeeze. I asked where she was trying to go. She said, “to get a drink of water.” Oh poor thing! I’m glad I went to check. She often gets up to get water or come ask us to tuck her in. My guess is that our day just wore her out so she wasn’t as clear about things when she got up. I know there is some story about my parents finding me scratching at the front door one night, also looking for water.

A couple of nights ago we had a Goldilocks in our bed, which is not uncommon. When Carl picked up Sarah to take her to her bed she asked if he was taking the baby to the pack-n-play. I love that she can have that playful pretending even when she is mostly asleep. 

Ice skating! Carl and I hadn’t been ice skating for at least 12 years because I’m pretty sure it was completely pre-Sarah. The last time we had been to this particular rink was about 18 years ago! Thus, you may infer that the girls had never been ice skating, aside from pretending on slippery sidewalks. At first Amy was frustrated and upset about how she would never learn and it was the hardest thing she had ever tried to do in her whole life. By then end, after many many falls, she was skating with joy and ease, and then falling more. Still. I am amazed at her determination. Sarah held onto us or the trainer wedge longer but was delighted when she started attempting to move by herself and fell on her butt. We were outside. It was snowing. It was magical and beautiful and wonderful. I’m sure my muscles will be speaking to me later! Meanwhile, the girls slept in longer than usual. They got much more of a workout than I did. Much of my time was spent standing still next to them or helping them stand up and hoping I didn’t wipe out in the process.

On a different note, I hate that I am somewhat scared sending my kids off to school. I hate that I am scared about where the next school shooting will occur. Not if. When. Until there are significant changes in this country. I hate feeling frustrated and helpless and jaded and as if I want to puke when I see a picture of the president. I hate feeling like I must acknowledge what is going on in the country in this blog. But it is too important to gloss over as if it isn’t happening. Pecans and walnuts could kill Sarah. We don’t allow those nuts to cross our threshold. Semi-automatic assault weapons could kill my children. They should not be allowed to cross the threshold of being in civilian hands ever. They are for the military. While I wish there were no wars and that military operations could be different, let’s at least take this baby step to protect my kids and your kids and all of the kids. As Glennon Doyle says, “There is no such thing as other people’s children.” So, what now? There are some national days of protest. March 14 at 10am students and teachers can leave their buildings for 17 minutes to protest gun violence and to honor those killed in Florida. April 20 is the National Day of Action Against Gun Violence. Please share this information. If you are a teacher, do a walk-out. If you aren’t a teacher, tell the schools that your children attend. If April 20 ends up meaning keeping kids home from school (I don’t know if it will mean this), plan ahead and clear your calendar so you can be home with your kids. Please make your calls, send your emails, sign your petitions. Thank you.

February 11

While talking to Sarah on the phone, Mom-Mom asked her where she was. Sarah didn’t answer. Mom-Mom suggested several possibilities including downstairs or in the sink or on a bus. Sarah kept saying no to all of the options presented but didn’t offer up the information that she was in the Sarah-Rise room. Mom-Mom said again, “ So where are you?” and Sarah brightly chirped, “Here!”

Our kitchen ceiling is beautiful. There is just a little work remaining to be done but I am able to clean the dust from the cabinets and wash everything. It is good to have a forced reorganization which will hopefully result in less clutter. I also feel incredibly grateful to have found such a good team to do the work. Not only do they do quality work but I just like having them around because they are enjoyable people.

I’ve been appreciating how easily Carl and I agree on things when it comes to making decisions about the house and our furnishings and life. That is not to be sneezed at. I’ve also been appreciating how much Amy and I adore each other. Most of the time it is a clear and easy love and the times that are fraught are few. With Sarah I can appreciate how our love keeps us coming back to each other despite our times of yelling and strife. 

Swim lessons again (as usual) went amazingly well. Amy learned to tread water and Sarah jumped in once all by herself. Sarah spent the whole lesson jumping in and the teacher kept encouraging her to use less of him as her support. He had her jump to his arm and then the next time used a pool noodle in place of his arm so she still had something to hold onto but it was a little less stable and a little more removed from him. 

The girls had gymnastics yesterday and the teacher that I snagged a couple of months ago to be a babysitter led the opening warm up. It was so wonderfully fun and creative that I was just smiling and laughing while watching. If I hadn’t already realized how awesome she was and asked about babysitting, I would have done so after yesterday’s class. From swimming to gymnastics to our large team of sitters to our small SR team to therapists to school teachers and piano teachers, I continue to marvel at how many amazing individuals are in our lives. Seriously. So many amazing people!

Sarah continues to ask “why?” when we tell her various things. When she does then she also seems to be in a good mode for listening to the answer.

I’m reaching for giving Sarah more of my full attention when she is upset. When Amy is upset I have an easier time seeing it as something that will pass and that she needs snuggles. I judge her upset less than I judge Sarah’s. I’m not sure why. Possibly because Sarah is louder and screamier. Possibly because some of Sarah’s topics-of-upset don’t change. I think sometimes I misapply the idea that we choose our emotions and responses, and then I judge Sarah as misbehaving or bad when she is screaming. Then I judge me for not having solved this situation in some Son-Risey way. When I can remember to be gentler with both of us and just give her the time for her feelings (when we have the time) then it is so much better and we have a true, easy, snuggly time at the end. As with other areas of my life, it is best when I remember to be me and not try to be someone else. I am not the Son-Rise founders and I shouldn’t try to be them. I should be me. When I teach, it is best to be myself rather than trying to emulate other teachers, no matter how much I may admire them.

We have been working towards helping Sarah be nicer to Amy when Amy is upset and it seems to be working a tiny bit. Sarah doesn’t get in Amy’s face quite as much and every once in a while will say “Amy are you ok?” without doing any laughing first. 

We have to remind Sarah not to spit in the house or on people. She has developed a new way of spitting where she is sort of launching a puff of air upwards and it has a tiny bit of spit attached. This is ok outside and I understand it probably feels interesting, but…NO SALIVA ON MOM has been a rule for years. We don’t have very many rules that we can recite but that is one of them. No saliva on people in general. I have been needing to remind Amy of this rule too because she likes pretending to be a cat licking me. 

Carl now rows eeeeearly in the morning 4 days a week. In solidarity and so we have a similar bedtime, I now also get up eeeeearly. 4:30am to be exact. Some nights we go to bed as soon as the girls do. Since I teach until 10:30pm on Tuesday nights I do let myself sleep in till 5:55am on Wednesday mornings, but it can’t be any later than that because of Sarah’s bus schedule. 

February 4

Sarah is now officially 11. I always start thinking of her as her new age about a month before her birthday so when we get to the new age it doesn’t feel new. Her actual birthday was also Grandparents' Day at her school and Grandpa was in town to join her! 

At the moment Sarah is in the hospital finishing her 23 hour EEG, which actually takes less time despite its name. This is just another post-seizure test regarding the seizure before Christmas. She and I Ubered to the hospital yesterday because she loves Uber rides. It was a novel experience to come for an overnight stay when it wasn’t an emergency. The process of getting the EEG wires attached was again fraught and awful. She was screaming and crying and scared and fighting it. I was holding her still with the help of a nurse. It felt awful to physically restrain her when she was so upset, even though it was best to just get it done. Then they wrapped her head and her wires in such a way that she couldn’t mess with them and could be mobile in her room. She had a special backpack that she learned to take with her as she moved around the room or to the bathroom.

Carl had the car yesterday because he and Amy did a special ballet thing at Phipps. Amy got to learn a dance from the lead ballerina in Swan Lake. Then she allowed Carl to participate too and they learned a dance together. When they came to join us in Sarah’s hospital room they performed the dance and it was super adorable. Carl then stayed overnight with Sarah while Amy and I came home. I think all of us were in bed by 8pm. When Amy woke up the first thing she requested was that I continue reading Harry Potter! 

When all of us were in the room together yesterday, Sarah tried to do some things she wasn’t allowed to do, like leave the room. While I was just telling her no and getting mad at her, Carl had her pause so he could review the rules with her. After he said she wasn’t allowed to leave, she asked “why?” That is actually a huge deal that she asked that. It shows huge progress overall in her processing and understanding and expressing herself in the present moment. 

There are so many things that can seem depressing/hopeful depending on how one looks at them. It is as if they are separate sides of a curtain that can flip quickly in the breeze of one's perspective. It is so frustrating that Sarah doesn’t listen or heed what we say so much of the time. It is so hopeful that she did listen in that moment and ask why. It is depressing how untypical she is compared to other 11 year olds. It is so amazing how far she has come and that she is learning to swim and she takes gymnastics and she can speak and have conversations and be playful and sparkly and funny and read and write. I can’t stand her stubborn temper. I am so glad she is feisty and determined and brave. I am a terrible mom for yelling and getting tense. I am a wonderful mom for creatively trying different things to help her during the EEG placement. It is not great that we fight a lot. It is amazing how deeply we love each other and it is wonderful how we come back to that love repeatedly even after we yell. It is frustrating how Sarah is a mean older sister so often. It is beautiful how open she is to our coaching her on how to be a kind older sister. My life is harder because of her challenges. My life is so rich and amazing because she is exactly who and how she is. The curtain flickers like a reversible piece of clothing. When I am fed and watered and rested it is easier to focus on the positive side, just as the kids can so quickly switch from being hangry to happy once their basic needs are met.

Amy moved up another level in swimming! She is now a Turtle 2. She can really swim!! With practice she will get more confident and capable, but she can really swim. She swam half the length of the pool by herself and then her teacher let her ride on his back while he swam them both back to where Sarah was. It was so adorable. Amy was scared to swim so far but she did it. Then she was all tuckered out. As with each previous time when she moves up a level, she is feeling scared and uncertain. This change also means she and Sarah won’t be in the same class anymore. They were already bending the rules to let them be together before this, but now their activities are too divergent. They can at least be one after the other. We will get home at bedtime on Friday nights but it is worth it to stay with the same teacher. We love B and he has been amazing with both girls.

 

Over the summer we had a leak in our kitchen ceiling. The plumber fixed the leak right away but we didn’t want to be too hasty with the rest of the repairs so we are dealing with them now. To redo the wiring and lighting situation our whole kitchen ceiling had to come down. Much of our kitchen is spread around the downstairs. All of the things that remained in the cabinets will have to be washed, despite the careful draping that the workers did. I won’t deal with that until after the new ceiling is up and painted. It is amazing to me how incapacitating it has been not to have a fully functional kitchen. It’s not just the food preparation. I have felt like I couldn’t function fully in life. I couldn’t possibly clean some upstairs rooms when my kitchen is compromised! We have gone out to eat way more than usual. I was able to cook for a couple of days and things are currently usable, butI think tomorrow they become unusable again. As I write, some bit of ceiling still in place fell, probably due to my using our washing machine, which is upstairs. I’m excited that I won’t have a garbage bag taped over the hole in the ceiling and I really like the people doing the work, which is no small thing. I am also eager to have everything clean and back in place.

January 28

Sarah has been doing more food preparation on her own. Last weekend she fixed herself a hot dog and hot chocolate and frosted a cake pop for herself. She also single handedly carried her Cozy Coupe inside (that is the small plastic car that a kid can drive). Unfortunately, we have finally met the moment when Sarah cannot cram herself into the car. She was complaining that it hurt her knees. 

Tuesday night Carl had a work dinner to attend which meant he would get home after the girls had gone to bed. Normally this is fine. Tuesday night Sarah was so upset she was crying and screaming for an hour because she missed him. When I sent him a message she saw his name and switched from saying “I want Dad!” to “I want Carl W-!” and “Carl W- is the best man in the whole world."

Sarah had an MRI of her head on Wednesday. This was a follow-up regarding her seizure in December. She was sedated for the procedure so she had a super early appointment because she had to fast. The nights when she has to fast and not even have liquid after a certain time are not nights when I sleep particularly well. I’m so anxious that she will get up to get a drink that I sleep very lightly. The whole thing went smoothly, including the IV insertion and the waking up afterward. When we got home we both went to bed and slept for two hours. Then we did basically nothing for the rest of the day.

Swim lessons went beautifully. Amy is swimming. She needs more practice and confidence for her movements to become smoother, but she is swimming. Sarah jumped into the pool many times while holding the instructor’s hand.

Yesterday we had Sarah’s birthday party and it was wonderful. Anytime Sarah sees a school bus or city bus she says, “Can we make a bus just like that?” I always tell her she can use her imagination to do so. For her party I rented a party bus that was a converted school bus. It parked in front of our house for 3 hours. She absolutely loved it. Sc. did face painting and by the end of the party we had an Amy cat and a Sarah panda. Sarah wore her “Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!” shirt for the party, which was perfect for our own little bus-loving Pigeon. For a present, Carl got Sarah some glasses that have no prescription. She is always wanting to wear his glasses so now she has some of her own. She was delighted. 

January 21

“If you stick the pencil in your ear I won’t get you the polka dot fabric when we get home.” 

That is true. For all of you! 

Originally I said it to Sarah during her piano lesson. 

There have been a small handful of times this week when I have really yelled at Sarah (though not about the pencil in the ear). When I say something calmly and normally 5 times and get no response then sometimes I escalate to yelling and then Sarah takes heed. I am so frustrated about this. She listens but then is usually also upset so while she is moving to do what I said she is slower than if she was happily moving. I think what is the most frustrating is that sometimes I escalate when the situation doesn’t warrant that level of underlying panic/anger on my part. In fact, is there ever a time it is warranted unless it is to catch a plane or save a life? I don’t know. Probably not. My goal will be to make my request calmly 10 times before losing my %#*(&! I will also aim to be more creative with my requests.

School mornings have been challenging. Often it seems that if I prompt Sarah to keep moving that is the very button to make her turn to look at her toes or seams and get rather lost in them. But if I don’t prompt her then she also won’t be moving towards the next step of getting ready. Carl did a beautifully amazing job on Friday with keeping her moving and creatively prompting her and keeping her equilibrium in tact. 

It is often refreshing and surprising when I hear people admit to not liking a certain thing that I feel like I am supposed to like. Here is my confession: I don’t enjoy having my kids help in the kitchen. I would prefer to work alone! But I feel like I should let them help and encourage it because how else will they learn to cook? Also, sometimes I don’t want to be a patient and creative parent. Sometimes I want to be left the #*(Y@* alone.  Based on the tone of this update you can probably guess what kind of a morning we are having. Admitting to wanting to be alone actually helps me breath more and feel like I’m ready to go spend time with my kids. 

In other news, Amy has decided that my snake hat makes the perfect fire-fighter hose.

We have been making Valentines lately and the girls have each made one for their dental hygienist completely of their own initiative. That was the first card each of them made. This is probably due to the fact that their next dental cleaning is on Valentine’s Day.

Amy did an amazing job in her swim lesson. Both girls did well, but I was in awe of Amy when she jumped in independently, floated, and swam gently on her back to the wall. It was so peaceful and calm. There wasn’t the same fear as there was the first time she did it. She was so poised and confident. 

I have changed my approach to getting the girls (especially Amy) to help clean things. All the credit goes to how my mom helped me clean my room when I was younger. I tell them to find something of a certain color to put away. Or to find the stuffed animals. Given that Amy likes seek and find challenges, so far this approach is working well.

Anywho, here’s to recognizing and owning where we are so that we may be freer to move on. 

January 14

Sunday night as I made dinner I could hear the girls reading Elephant and Piggie books together. I didn’t get a picture because I didn’t want to interrupt the moment. When they needed a new book they pretended to go to the library.

When Sarah came home from school Monday she went upstairs. A few minutes later I heard her ask me if I would help her get the iPad. I said yes and asked if she was upstairs. She said “no, I’m downstairs,” because by that point she was. I called playfully “Owl! Are you upstairs?” With great glee she scampered upstairs as we laughed together. I love that we can have what feels like an inside joke based on a shared love of Owl at Home by Arnold Lobel.

Monday’s piano lesson was filled with adorableness. For some of the time the girls were together on the bench, pausing for snuggles and sad-panda play. Sarah asked Amy to be a sad panda and Amy nuzzled her head into Sarah’s chest while making sad panda noises, just as Carl and I do. I love that this play now includes Amy.

Often when I suggest practicing the piano I am met with resistance. This week I tried just playing the album that goes with the piano book. I didn’t say anything. Of their own volition they did practice some things and overall thoroughly enjoyed the music. Now they are able to play the album without my help and when Sarah came home from school one day she unexpectedly went immediately to the album and then sat at the piano. ???!!! That explains my socks flying past your window.

At bedtime on Tuesday night Amy tucked Sarah in with a panda stuffed animal and a kiss.

Amy had a questionnaire to fill out for school that included a question about whom she admired the most. Her answer? Sarah. 

Melt my heart and call me Teary!

Yesterday I yelled (first spelled “yellied” which is somehow hilarious) at Sarah for touching the remote during Amy’s pick because then it messed up Amy’s show. I realized shortly thereafter that I could have lightly said “whoops!” instead because I don’t think Sarah messed it up on purpose. As Sarah and I snuggled,  I apologized and explained my new thinking. I explained it to Amy too. A bit later, Amy told Sarah she was sorry for yelling at her and she gave her a kiss and said “I love you.” As I was about to berate myself for the yelling, I realized that with that too I could perhaps lightly say “whoops!” Whoops! I didn’t mean to yelly! 

Friday morning I got stuck in the mud. Quite literally. I have never experienced that before and I hope not to experience it again. I had parked in our back yard the night before to charge the car but the ground was soft and the constant rain did not improve the situation. Still, I didn’t expect to get stuck. The girls were off at school and I thought Carl was on his way to work. I attempted to leave. Nope. Just as I was realizing my predicament and wondering what to do, I heard a gentle tapping on the window. There was Carl! He hadn’t left for work after all and happened notice my trouble. He worked diligently with bricks and rocks to help my wheels get traction and after many minutes I was free. Late that night when I returned home (and didn’t need to park in the back yard) I found him creating small brick roads in the tire tracks, filling in the ruts with dirt and bricks. This was in the dark, in the cold, in the sleet. Sometimes there is nothing better than a gentle tap on the window when you are stuck, literally or metaphorically, and someone who knows how to build a road for you. I really felt the wonderfulness of having a partner who came to my rescue even though it made him late for work. He didn’t yellie at me for getting stuck (of course not, it’s not how he does things). He helped me not yellie at myself. In essence it was a “whoops! Let’s fix this” moment. I so much want to continue learning from Carl about how to calmly deal with adversity. 

If you are getting stuck in any metaphorical or real mud, remember to go slow. Don’t spin your wheels. And if a little tap on the window isn’t forthcoming, just reach out and ask for help. Sometimes window tappers need to be alerted to the situation, but then they are often more than willing to jump in to your mud with bricks and rocks.

Love, bricks, snuggles, and gentle “whoops!” when you need them.

January 7

Carl and Sarah played No Stress Chess. It is designed to teach you the rules of chess as you play without it feeling difficult. They played half a game before she wanted to do something else.

We have had a wonderful time with The Cat Game. It claims to be for people age 16 and up, but we altered the rules and just use the pieces to enjoy playing together but not in any competitive way. It is basically Pictionary but you have to use a picture of a cat (they provide many options) on which to base your drawing. We have had great fun and Sarah has been quite engaged with circling the cats and drawing tears and tissue boxes as if they are sad cats. I was proud of one creation because both girls guessed right away that it was cats playing basketball. Yesterday Amy and I worked together to depict Darth Vader.

Sarah’s new favorite book is I Am (Not) Scared by Anna Kang. She laughs so much as she reads it out loud that she can barely get her words out. I love this!

The girls continue to enjoy being sad crayons, and sometimes Amy is a happy crayon.

Whenever I am truly sad then Sarah is the sweetest, most concerned, most present little individual. When Amy is truly sad then Sarah gets in her face and laughs while loudly saying “meow meow meow!” or “gaw!” We tell Sarah repeatedly not to do this but to no avail. Yesterday it happened again after Sarah either accidentally or on purpose caused Amy’s head to bump into a wall twice. Carl had been about to take the girls out to do an errand and get a treat. We changed the plan in response to Sarah’s behavior so she stayed home with me while Carl and Amy went out. This was after many minutes of Carl talking to a crying Sarah about why she lost the trip. It was disappointing for all of us but I’m hoping it got Sarah’s attention. It was really beautiful overhearing Carl’s patient and loving way of handling the whole situation. Sarah and I did have a good time snuggling and reading on our own. Later we all had a good time hanging out in the family room together making cat drawings. Carl and the girls assembled a puzzle together and that was also beautiful to witness.

For dinner last night the girls tried avocado toast and quiche. I was surprised by how much they liked the avocado toast and how little they liked the quiche.  

Sarah seemed to do an extra good job at gymnastics yesterday morning in terms of her attentiveness to the teachers as they explained the routines. The only frustrating thing was the time mismanagement that meant Sarah (and everyone in her group) only got one turn on the zipline. She handled it well and didn’t actually seem to mind. I minded on her behalf though! 

There was no school or swimming on Friday due to the cold. It is still super cold! 

I hope you are all well and warm and that your crayons are happy.