August 2

Things have been mostly the same as the previous week with some good parts and some hard parts. Some highlights are when Sarah came down one morning and handed me a hair clip to put in her hair. This is not something that has occurred before or since, but it was a wonderful moment. Also, we have some volunteers who we refer to as M with a D or M with a T because their names sound the same so we distinguish based on spelling. On Friday Sarah said she was going to play with G with a G. 

Sarah’s body and potty situation are back to normal. Yay!

I did do SR time every day Sunday-Thursday for half an hour with just Sarah and then another half hour with Amy in the room too. I was glad to have both kinds of sessions. When it is just Sarah and me then I have an easier time working towards goals such as following a short schedule or playing card or board games. Sarah loves to pretend to nap and lately she has returned to the theme of being in a dorm room at Swarthmore. For some of those moments I played along with that scenario. Other times I said that it was fine if she wanted to nap and that I would play a game while I waited for her to wake up. I would bring down a game and start setting it up. Every time I did this she quickly came over to join me and we played memory matching games or Hello Kitty Uno or we did a puzzle together. When Amy joins us in the room then I take more of a back seat and let Amy drive or join the play because you can’t get more kid-like than that. Amy has vast amounts of energy so she joins some of Sarah’s play scenarios more physically and whole heartedly than I often do. 

Ballet class did not go well. Since it had seemed to work ok to come tell Sarah she could join me in the waiting area if she didn’t want to participate in class, I moved to do that again. This time Sarah screamed and resisted mightily, but I felt committed to the action at that point so I carried her out under my arm. She kept screaming so I took her outside. I felt embarrassed and mad. In hindsight it would of course have been less disruptive to let her just walk back and forth in the class. I think that is what I will allow for the next two (and final) classes. I am not signing them up for another session. If Amy wants to continue then I will find a class she can take on a morning when Sarah has school and Amy doesn’t. I have signed the girls up for gymnastics again, at a time when Sonia can be the in-room attendant, since that worked so well last year. 

I got a few warnings that my cluster headaches might be ramping up so I am already on the medication to hopefully skip the cluster. What a difference a year makes. Last year I was rarin’ to go without medication. This year, with even a mild flicker of a cluster headache I felt like I just couldn’t even manage. I just felt worn out before it even got going. 

I have been feeling mightily worn out as a parent, with barely a shred of Son-Riseyness in me. Last night it talking with my mom and crying about it all, I was able to realize again how hard I have been on myself without quite noticing it. I could see that it isn’t what I choose to do with my time (eg. reading a fun book or being super industrious and cooking and cleaning all the time, etc), it is how I am judging my choices and actions. It isn’t about finding the miracle formula for a balance of work and play. It is about holding all of my choices with compassion and support. I feel like a newborn animal on wobbly legs in terms of really using this acceptance muscle for my choices today, whatever they are. So often I think I can figure everything out on my own, but it was a wonderful reminder to have my mom helping me navigate and come back to more kindness towards myself. Any positive vibes you can send my way are much appreciated.

May you all have someone who helps you remember how to be kind to yourself.