July 27

This week we got 37 hours.

Sarah made up a new word, unintentionally, as she tried to say "envelope." Her new word is "empty-lope," referring to an empty envelope.

She is pointing out when things match, sometimes correctly and sometimes not. When we eat she says we have matching forks. She also says "matching pants" which is not true because no one else here has snail shorts.

Sarah is easily allowing almost all of Becky Blake's program for her. The only thing she still doesn't want at all is to be rolled in a blanket but she does let me roll her without the blanket. She does a lot of the brain gym moves herself. With the music and movement component she does some of the moves but mainly just watches me intently. With Sarah-Rise I believe the first level of participation is observation so I'm ok with her just watching. I figure that when she is ready she will get up and move. She does some of the movements in an abbreviated way from her seat on the sofa. Her favorite part seems to be watching me gallop. The great thing about the music and movement is that it gets me moving. It is humbling how challenging it is for me to hop like a frog for more than just 2 or 3 hops. 

I had an extremely helpful talk with M. (our Son-Rise advisor and mentor) on Wednesday. We have revised our current SR goals to be flexibility and politeness. This means nudging slightly against Sarah controlling everything in the SR room and asserting our own desires a bit more. We do this gently, playfully, and flexibly. We also now request that she say things in a normal or nice voice instead of a whiney voice. What is lovely is that she can do this! And she does it easily and willingly most of the time. I have also been asking her to change her requests a bit from "making a..." to "I want to make..." During my session yesterday a few moments after my request she then said  "I want to look at pictures of baby Sarah." It was so perfect that it took me a moment to register what I had just heard. 

Yesterday Sarah and I had the longest and most official session of playing a board game we have ever had. We were playing Chutes and Ladders. Sometimes she wanted to just hop her piece around the board but she was amenable to following my prompts to leave it in place or leave my piece in place and to take turns spinning. I think we took at least 10 turns each. This is really huge progress.

Last night Carl had hist first official session in a long time and he was amazed at Sarah's eye contact, connection, and imagination. 

Sarah loves doors and doorways. As I have mentioned, we currently do not allow this play with outside doors or with the SR room door during sessions. Yesterday during my session she said she wanted to play on the sheet porch so we made a porch/deck out of a sheet on the floor and used blue planks to be doorways. She loved it. As she walked over a plank I said "Slam!" and she cracked up. It felt lovely to in some way be able to cater to her love of doors. 

Usually I get mad at myself when I get mad at the girls. What I want to notice and celebrate is my fast turn-around time. Yes, I do get mad/grumpy/annoyed. Sometimes I yell. But within 5 minutes I have usually regrouped and can talk about it in a way that I think the girls understand or at least in a way that they enjoy. Sarah loves the story of when I sat on our big blue ball and said "this is not going to work!" She also loves it when we go too far (driving, biking, on a bus, etc). So yesterday after being grumpy and too abrupt with stopping what the girls were doing, resulting in lots of crying on their part, I regrouped and talked about how sometimes I think something is going to work and then realize "this is not going to work! I went too far!" The energy shifted and laughs and snuggles were had. Some day I dream of not getting grumpy and abrupt to begin with, but for now I am endeavoring to notice my recovery and not just berate myself for my grumps.

Another thing I want to notice and remember is that I stay much more focused and energized regarding our SR program when I frequently listen to CDs by Bears or Samahria, listen to webinars by the Son-Rise training staff, listen to parent-testimonials, read any Option or Son-Rise books, and talk to M. on a regular basis. Any complimentary things we are doing are also great but for me, now, immersing myself in Son-Rise is what feels best and most effective.

July 21

This week we got 22 hours of Sarah-Rise time (sort of low by my current standards) but we also had an outreach with Becky Blake where she stayed in our house for a few days and worked with Sarah and taught us new things to do to help Sarah. Then we went camping for a night. This was the 5th weekend in a row of either not having all of us at home or being away or having company. It has been an incredibly packed summer and will continue to be so. At the time of filling our calendar each individual thing always seems like a good idea but once we are in it sometimes it can feel like too much for me. That is what happened with the camping trip. It was supposed to be 2 nights (coordinated with several other families) but as the date drew near I caught myself fantasizing about car accidents that would make things stop for a while. I know it would not actually simplify matters so there is no worry about my doing something rash. The point is that when I start thinking injury or sickness would be nice that is a red flag that something needs to change. 

Normally I love camping but to have it on top of so many weekends in a row of not just being us at home and to have it when we are doing GAPS and I'm just learning a new therapy regimen (meaning that I am going through a bit of overwhelm), that was too much, despite my kind friend bringing my potluck contribution herself!  We compromised with just doing 1 night and then came home earlier than we initially thought because it was raining and I was feeling stressed. The sun came out as we were driving away so I do regret not being able to stick with it longer. It is hard for me to take care of myself sometimes when it feels like it directly contrasts with what Carl wants to do to take care of himself. This conflict of interest very rarely happens for us but it happened with camping. It is hard for me to take care of myself and not feel like there is something wrong with me for not being able to handle everything more easily. I so much appreciate Carl's understanding and compromise. As we move forward in time we have new rules for our calendar so we don't overfill it (these can start to take effect in the fall). The rest of the summer is quite full, but with only one more trip. Trips of any sort are just a bit more work these days because of GAPS.

Anywho, let us all take a moment to breathe.

Becky Blake is a neuro-developmental specialist (www.creatingsuperkids.com). She observed and played with Sarah and then explained to us what she thinks needs some help. She thinks Sarah's eyes aren't working together and that Sarah mainly sees with one eye until it gets tired and then she switches to the other eye. She often tips her head to look at things and has done so since she was small; this is the first time someone has offered a possible explanation (all vision tests have always come out fine). Becky also thinks there is a vestibular component to how Sarah is in the world so we are doing things to slowly get more movement in the inner ear fluid. We are doing things to help move and balance the energy in her body and release excess energy. We are doing things to help her regulate her stress and hydrate better. We pay attention to her ears and when they turn a shade pinker than her normal pale skin tone we offer her water or a shake that she drinks from a straw. We do massage to help her digestive system. We are doing things that are supposed to help her feel where she is in space (her kinesthetic sense) and to help her right and left brain talk to each other and with her body in a more connected way. We are combining massage, lymphatic drainage, PACE, HANDLE, Brain gym, qi gong, craniosacral therapy, and reflexology. The new routine can be spread throughout the day in tiny pieces or done all at once. Most things can be done more than once and the more the better. I have been getting most things in most days but I think I always forget something, despite my checklist. Sarah's willingness is another factor. She enjoys or allows most things but will absolutely not tolerate even any mention of being rolled in blanket. She doesn't even want me to roll a doll in a blanket. I'm not pushing that part. 

My mom gave me the best permission ever after I talked to her about Becky's program. She gave me permission not to know. It is ok not to know yet if it will help and not to know yet how Sarah will respond. I think maybe I should tattoo that permission somewhere on my psyche for all of life. I so much want to know what the right decision is for everything and I get myself very tight sometimes about not knowing or about trying to know the answer before I possibly have enough information.

Overall, Sarah continues to be her amazing self making her amazing progress and surprising us daily with the things she says and the clarity and spunk with which she says them. As of a couple of weeks ago, we are cresting the wave of correct pronoun use. She is starting to do it more and more and I feel it as if we are in the ocean with pronouns eddying around our ankles. It's coming and it will open up her language even more. G. noticed that during his session the correct pronouns came out when Sarah was most relaxed and then when she got a bit more stressed she reverted to her less clear pronoun use. One thing I really appreciate about Becky's program is that it helps me be more aware of when Sarah is stressed. If we can help her clear the stress then she can put much more energy into learning and growing.

What I know is that Sarah and Amy are amazing. I know I am surrounded by a team of incredibly loving and creative people. Thinking of my volunteers is one of the best ways to fill my heart with gratitude. I know Sarah is progressing daily. I know that I love Son-Rise and that it has helped our family tremendously. I know that GAPS has helped our whole family eat more healthily. I know I function better when I am less stressed. 

July 14

This week we clocked 30 hours and 40 minutes of Sarah-Rise. 

Sarah had many moments where my jaw dropped at her learning, creativity, and spunk...

- driving the little toy car that she can sit in and telling me she is driving to the yogurt maker (she is temporarily off yogurt again)

- she has been putting her plate away on the counter rather consistently in the mornings without any prompting

- she was taking a bath and said "bump bump bump... riding in a white tub bus"

- at one point when I asked if she was trying to trick me she looked me directly and spunkily in the eye and gleefully said "yes!"

- again in the bath, she said "swim like a fish. Pop-Pop swim like a fish. Sarah W. swim like a fish"

- sitting at my desk she said, "do one more email. Sarah W. do one more email. I do one more email." (using "I" correctly is rare)

-from our trip I forgot to mention: on the ride home I saw her put a book against the back of the seat in front of her and hold it up with her feet

- yesterday she was sitting on the toilet fully clothed after using the potty. Sonia checked on her and Sarah said "what you doing the toilet paper?" Since it didn't seem that Sarah was actually doing anything amiss Sonia left. Sonia returned a bit later and Sarah said "what you doing the toilet paper, missy?" so Sonia looked more closely and found that Sarah had been unrolling toilet paper and stuffing it in the storage rack underneath the roll. Sneaky!

-last night at dinner we had A. (helping to build our new backyard playground) and Sc. (after her SR time and staying to babysit) joining us for dinner. Carl commented to Sarah that she was eating with two people she doesn't usually eat with. Sarah then counted the people at the table. Out loud. Correctly. Unprompted!

I love Sarah's increased sneakiness and that she comes up with new challenges or games for herself.

During some of my SR time, Sarah stood in front of the closet door and said she was pretending to be me. This means she is pretending to be me from when I was pregnant with her and I stood in front of a door for my picture. I grabbed a balloon and stuck it under her shirt so she could have a belly. She proceeded to gently touch the belly and say "sweet baby."

Snail shorts and lack thereof continue to result in huge upset. Being told no about going outside or playing with a door also results in upset. I think it is hard to see a playground being built and not being able to go out to it! 

Lest I forget some of the times that feel tough...for a couple days after sending my last update I felt frumpy, mad, grumpy, old, fat, graying, greasy, controlling, and overwhelmed. I am feeling better now, but easily still feel overwhelmed. I skipped my SR session on Friday to catch up on things that had been put off forever. I still have more to do but I am glad to have some things in order. For instance, I am glad I scheduled my continuing education classes for massage so I can maintain my licensing and certification.

This morning I go to pick up Becky Blake, a neuro-developmental specialist, who will live in our house for the next couple of days and hopefully teach us how to further help Sarah.

Yesterday marked 11 years of being married! Carl is still the bestest ever. Supportive, creative, enthusiastic, an amazing dad, and my best friend. 

July 7

This update is for the past two weeks. Two weeks ago we got 30 hours of Sarah-Rise time and this past week we got roughly none. Some interactions certainly had that energy but we were vacationing in Cape Cod with college friends so we didn't do any official time.

Sarah's imaginative play is wonderful. Before our trip she started talking about squeezing under the gate (which is a reference to Peter Rabbit). Carl had the idea of raising one of our baby gates up a couple feet so the girls could squeeze under. They loved it. 

In one of Sarah's baby books there is a series of pictures showing the progression of my pregnant belly. I am standing in front of a door, always in the same clothes and position. On our trip Sarah started standing in front of all bathroom doors at rest stops and saying she was "pretending to be me" (pronouns still need some work).

One of our favorite books of late is Dinosaur vs. the Potty and both girls do wonderful roars. I'm not sure that Sarah yet appreciates the humor of how much she is like the dinosaur that doesn't want to use the potty until the last possible moment.

The drive to and from Cape Cod was long. Sarah is a relatively easy traveler, as she always has been. Amy is, as Carl said, high maintenance. Just before our trip Amy started having tantrums in earnest. Throw yourself on the floor, go boneless when picked up, scream for 30 minutes tantrums. These have continued with at least one or two per day, often when it is time to do a diaper change and/or get in the car. Those were not my favorite parts of the trip. The great parts of the drive happened when both girls would be looking at books in the back and feeding off each other with what phrases they would say (usually Amy was copying Sarah). 

This was our first trip since starting the GAPS diet. I am rather impressed with myself for even attempting it. Overall it went well (I brought my yogurt maker, juicer, and blender on the trip) and I am also glad to be home in my own kitchen, with my own grocery stores, and with Sonia as my helper again starting tomorrow. We did many full or partial day trips so I loaded the cooler with everything Sarah could eat that was easy to premake and transport. She ate a ton of pea crackers and lots of shakes. I think this may have been the first college-friend-reunion trip that I really didn't worry about the quantity she was eating at all. Sarah handled it very well being around many people eating things that she couldn't have. (A special thanks to my friends for accommodating my desire to eat some things, such as pizza, after my girls had gone to bed). 

Every year for the past 6 years we have been getting together with the same group of college friends and it is fun to watch our collective size increase as more babies are born. The newest was just 2 weeks old and Sarah was very interested in her. Sarah was also keen on being near the 10 month old. Overall she was gentle and quite conversational with the parents. M. said that Sarah had many conversations with her with lots of solid eye contact. I. said Sarah seemed overall to be happier than she used to be (snail shorts tantrums excepted).

I felt like Sarah had several times of observing what other kids were doing and wanting to do it too, even if her version was slightly more subdued, such as when a bunch of kids were jumping on a bed.

At a playground with sand as the ground cover, Sarah initiated going over and sitting next to a boy who we didn't know. She didn't interact with him, but she sat across from him and played with filling her shoes with sand. Nearby, the boy's older sister was operating a pretend cake shop. Sarah went over to her and had about 3 minutes of interactive play with very little excited jaw or hand movements. The older girl gave Sarah a sand cake and Sarah pretended to eat it. Then the older girl directed Sarah to put a bucket and shovel on a shelf. Sarah did so. I stood to one side observing amazedly. It is the sort of play that we aim at and achieve in the SR room, but it is novel to have such an interaction with a stranger and to have a mostly calm demeanor, as if the situation was fun but not overwhelming in the level of excitement.

We had several beach trips and Sarah and Carl had lovely times playing in the water, including some moments of trying to swim. Amy, who loves her sandbox and loves baths, often did everything possible to avoid touching the sand and water at the beach. Usually Amy would look like she was doing Mission Impossible moves to stay attached to us, except for one time when the lure of doing ring-around-the-rosey with another child at our reunion was stronger than her fears.

For July 4 we found a place to watch fireworks. Overall the experience was underwhelming and somewhat frustrating, but there were two key moments. One was Carl's mad-dash search with Sarah to find a potty. We have not yet had that experience of a desperate potty search. They made it! The other moment was hearing Amy say "boom-boom" about the fireworks. So adorable.

One day we went to Provincetown, MA and climbed the Pilgrim Monument. This is a very tall tower and Sarah climbed over half-way up by herself and all the way down. It is the most perfect Sarah tower I can imagine, combining stairs, spirals, ramps, railings, and stripes.

I read more of the Anat Baniel book Kids Beyond Limits. What I really loved was how much it aligned with Son-Rise and gives more reasoning behind why our methods work.  She recommends having loose goals, having true enthusiasm and belief in the abilities of our kids, working with where Sarah is now and expanding the edges in tiny ways without trying to force her into achievements she isn't ready for, waiting for her learning switch to be turned on. We do all of these things already and she clearly is learning and thriving.

Some of my favorite Sarah phrases of late:

It's pretty low (re: her milkshake)

my goodness (re: her milkshake, using my expression for when she drinks it all quickly)

went too far (said while giggling so much she can barely get the words out)

It's pretty peppery.

June 23

This week may have been our biggest yet, or at least close to it. 44 hours. This was thanks to many things going as planned, my newest volunteers all now doing 2 hour sessions (training starts with shorter sessions), and my mom J. (Mom-Mom) visiting to help since Carl was away. Mom-Mom not only does 2 hour shifts when she goes in, but she also did 2 shifts in one day, in addition to giving Amy quality play time and helping with general clean-up. Go Mom-Mom!! 

When J. first arrived she was carrying a tricylce. Sarah gleefully exclaimed "a bike!" and then took off riding around the downstairs. Initially there was a lot of fighting between the girls over who got to ride, but now it seems to have settled more, especially since we still have our car toy and train available. Throughout the day the girls wheel around on some vehicle while talking about going to Cape Cod or Venice.

One night at dinner, J. mentioned talking with R., who the girls know as Pop-Pop. Sarah said "puh-lay with R." We cracked up and explained how I am also called Jenny and Mom-Mom can also be called J. The girls delighted in saying "play with Jenny" and "play with J." It was as if they knew it was a game in some way. 

Sonia and I filled out another Son-Rise evaluation form to help us clarify our progress and current goals. Sarah's imaginative play is progressing beautifully and her greetings/farewells have improved. Our current goals are to work more on sharing and taking turns and to continue with our goal of more physical play.  We are also focusing on helping her say more complete sentences instead of the fragments she often uses. Since we know her so well we often let fragments work as if they were clear, but we are realizing they would be very confusing for those who don't know Sarah. 

Last night Sarah started saying "what you doing?" The first time was when I had stepped around a corner because I didn't feel able to respond kindly to some of her screaming. Carl reported that the other times were when she was getting into something she wasn't supposed to. I guess I must say "Sarah, what are you doing?" very often! I think this might be the first time Sarah has asked a question that isn't quoting a book, unless I am forgetting something from the past. That is a huge milestone, even if it is repeating something I say. I've probably been saying it for her whole life and this is the first time she has decided to say it.

On Monday I had another dialogue with M. Most of the time with dialogues I don't have the crystal clear aha of noting a belief and discarding it but it is so very helpful to spread out my thinking a bit so I can notice some of my patterns more clearly. A few beliefs I have noticed this week, that I am considering changing...Because I am the team leader I am supposed to be the best SR-er and do the most hours per week...I have to feel like I'm working hard to know that I am doing enough/the best I can...If I can get everything done easily and be relaxed then that means I have more help than I deserve; I need to still be working really hard and not quite getting everything done in order to deserve help...If I am doing as much as I am doing and still beat up on myself that I should do more than that means I am a really good mom/person.

I realize there is a factual element towards how much there is to do and how much it is possible to accomplish (cooking, cleaning, basement organization, playing with my children, sarah-rise stuff, etc) but I think in theory it would be possible to allow life to feel like it was flowing easily and still feel like I am doing my best. I do actually experience this feeling of flow and accomplishment a lot of the time, just not all the time. This is a similar pattern to what I noticed when I started getting Alexander Technique lessons regarding giving massages. It started feeling easy to give a massage and then I felt like I must be cheating. That it had to feel like I was working hard for me to deserve the money. And yet I eventually learned that I was actually much more effective when I used myself better (meaning my thinking and body mechanics). I was still working, but it was different. The work was in staying present with my own use and awareness. 

I had a small epiphany regarding massage that I am affirming for the Sarah-Rise time as well. A couple weeks ago my neck felt tight and uncomfortable. Carl put his had there just to say hello and left it in place for several minutes. My body fixed itself. He didn't do anything except provide loving presence. He didn't even know my neck was hurting! So with the massages I have given lately I have had the intention of providing loving presence and trusting that my clients' bodies will know what to do to heal themselves. So... with Sarah-Rise our intention can be to provide loving focused presence and we can trust that Sarah will do whatever she needs to do. (I think I re-learn this concept often just with a slightly different angle each time.) 

In terms of imagination play I was impressed with the scenarios J. created and how much Sarah participated physically with the play (stomping in puddles or mud, drying off). I have also been thinking about what was said about a teacher leaving the Friends' Central School: that she looked like she was having so much fun that the kids wanted to join the party. That is what we are aiming for in our play! And I think that is what J. was doing; she was having fun creating this scenario for play and Sarah easily wanted to play too. That said, there is also the Son-Rise idea that we maybe have to issue the invitation to the party many many many many many many times without getting discouraged or losing our fun. When I play with Sarah about riding on a bus (one of her favorite themes) she easily participates in the driving with turning a wheel and pressing pedals and telling me to get off or give her a ticket. She has not made a motor sound despite my own modeling and invitation. This doesn't mean it is a bad idea to ask her to make a motor sound. It just means she isn't interested... yet. So it is time for me to party on and motor on.

What I love so much about having volunteers is that we get a huge variety of thinking and creativity. My team members continue to come up with ideas that I have never thought of despite my using a certain toy or book repeatedly. I will never stop being amazed and grateful that these incredible people (past and present team members) are part of my life in such a full and dedicated way. 

I would also like to give a special shout-out to Sonia and the varied relationships that we have. We are totally rocking it with her being my sister-in-law, friend, and personal assistant. She spends at least 40 hours a week involved in my life and I love her, enjoy her company, and look forward to our upcoming year together.

And a final cute story... Amy missed Carl a lot and asked to see him a lot. When I would show her his picture she would sigh a contented sigh as if all was right with the world.

June 16

This past week we got 30 hours.

As I write, Sarah is listening to her latest favorite song "video games" by Lana Del Rey, whose name she pronounces perfectly. Last night we had ratatouille and Sarah pronounced that clearly (with some pauses) too, after a few attempts that weren't quite clear such as "rabbit-too-ee."

This week I had the best drive to the Philly/DE area ever. It wasn't just because I was by myself. I've done the drive countless times by myself. What made this time different was really deciding that it was ok for it to take longer than it maybe needed to and that it was ok to stop often and to go slow behind a truck rather than passing when it didn't feel 100% safe. It felt so good to honor my safety and experience in this way. 

While driving, I listened to a beautiful CD specifically for kids on the autism spectrum. It is called The Kingdom of Should and anyone interested can learn more at http://kingdomofshould.com/

What I appreciated was the loving and respectful way each character with challenges was described, plus the idea that they could each receive help to do their very best. The help was through vision therapy and music therapy, as well as the attitude of "can" instead of "should." There is a companion CD that is designed to help soothe a person to sleep. I started listening on my drive too and then realized that was not a good idea! :)

Overall lately I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly and having happier moments because of it. When I start to feel overwhelmed I pause and ask myself what my task of the present moment is. Simplifying it in such a way really helps me let go of my trying to also plan for two weeks in the future. For example, sometimes when I'm getting a meal ready I can also start thinking about what I will need to pack for our trip to Cape Cod and then I start tightening and tensing and not fully breathing. When I realize that my task is actually just to make juice then I can handle that! To me this is very similar to taking more breaks while driving and allowing it to be ok to reach my destination more slowly.

I have also had many moments of noticing that I am judging something or someone and realizing I don't have to do so for me to be ok. I don't need other people to feel happy for me to be happy. They aren't bad for feeling unhappy. I don't need other people to eat the way I do for it to be ok that I eat the way I do. I feel like I am starting to see ever more space between things where I didn't know there was space. It is very freeing. And it is amazing to me how often these patterns of judgement and fear and tightening happen. It is so very many times a day!

I started reading a new book about the Alexander Technique called Indirect Procedures and it couldn't be a more perfect fit for the Option Process thinking I've been exploring. Instead of saying "my shoulders are tight" one is encouraged to say "I am tightening my shoulders." Language is so important. When we own something then we have the ability to change it. It is all about the use of the self. Not the use of our mind or body, but the use of our whole self. 

The reason for my drive to Delaware was to celebrate my dad's retirement. He is a master teacher. He taught for 42 years, and 37 of those years were teaching 3rd grade at Friends' Central School, outside of Philadelphia. In his room, he built Wright flyers, working grist mill/water wheels, pirate ships, and an early Ford motorcar, among other things. Each spring he built a teepee in his room. Every year the lower school picks a fall project and within the overall theme each teacher decides what they want to do. What I really understood is how similar that approach is to what we aim for with Sarah-Rise. Pick a theme and projects that the kids find interesting and motivating and use that as the way of teaching everything else. The teachers also have a good time, just as we aim to do in our SR time. It was beautiful to be in a teaching community that strives for such excellence via creativity and deep respect for their students. I hope to find such an amazing place for my girls. Throughout my time attending middle and high school there I was often asked, "Are you Mr. Briggs' daughter?" Yes, yes I am!

A few Sarah highlights... playing baseball with her and calling her Batter Wellington while she wore a yellow construction helmet. She did a little balloon hitting and a little running the bases. She was so adorable, especially within the pretend scenario in my head. I had such a blast! She also now enjoys having a pretend crib in the SR room and being tucked in like a baby. Yesterday she started playing with an elephant mask and was walking around downstairs making elephant sounds. She also corrected Amy's pronunciation!  While I am so used to Sarah's speaking I still have daily moments of marvel and delight at hearing her. When I brought her downstairs yesterday we were talking about her milkshake in her thermos and she said "pretty low." The level of the shake was indeed pretty low.

The shakes I create and that Sarah drinks involve some combination of the following: avocado, water, stock, coconut milk, broccoli, green bean, fish, sauerkraut, tomato, spinach, mushroom, turkey, chicken, and/or pork chop! She loves these and asks for them throughout the day.

June 9

This past week we clocked 34 hours. It is interesting how sometimes this total number feels small to me but when I go into the Sarah-Rise room and set the timer for 2 hours I think "wow, that's kind of a long time to focus exclusively on one person."  I am continually deeply amazed at the team of people spending such long focused time with my daughter. I am also so appreciative of the people who spend focused time with Amy. It all makes a difference. Amy even has a best friend (in addition to Sarah) thanks to a friend who watches her own daughter and Amy. Unfortunately, they are moving away from Pittsburgh soon. But still, I love love love that Amy has had such a lovely friend connection.

I had a helpful dialogue with M. where I explored some of why I get frustrated when the girls are upset or not listening. While I still have a lot of threads to unravel, the part that I did start to see more clearly is that I don't need to judge their wants as bad in order to go for a different situation myself. For example, when Amy asks to eat something on the sofa that is actually a beautiful idea. It is ok for me to want her to eat at the table for my reasons and because it is my house and my sofa I can enforce my reasons, but I can still honor that her idea was a valid idea. There are many things in my life that I have paired together and I don't even realize they can be separated, and then it is startling when I see them start to come unglued. It can be totally valid that Sarah has lots of feelings about being parted from her snail shorts for even a moment. I don't have to judge her or the crying as bad or annoying to make my choices about how to respond (whether I have time to listen or not). Upset on the part of the girls doesn't necessarily mean that I have made a bad parenting decision and don't know what I am doing. When I get upset about their upset I think it is often because I am doubting my parenting. When I get snippish around the girls and Carl I think it is sometimes out of protectiveness over my time for me. The thing is, for all that I get my hackles up, I really don't like that feeling and I would much rather see the underlying thing that I want and clearly ask for it. As I said, I still have a lot of unraveling to do but I love it when I start to see the glimmers of more space and freedom in various situations. 

Yesterday when my mom called to say hello we quickly found ourselves not quite connecting as easily as usual and I was feeling tight and prickly and also panicky about her leaving the connection. Because she is extraordinary, she stuck with me and helped me start talking about all the tiny things I'd been emotionally carrying around. I hadn't realized that my tiny carry-ons had grown collectively to the size of something that should be checked. So after talking out all of the seemingly tiny things and crying my own tears, I felt much better and we had a lovely connection overall. On the meta-level, I appreciated this interaction as a reminder of how my girls might potentially feel when they are distressed and they think I am leaving them emotionally. The Son-Rise Program suggests a certain way of responding to crying and tantrums and it has worked for many families (lovingly acknowledging but then moving away). I very rarely feel that I can do this genuinely. I think I take the suggestion as meaning we are aiming for less crying and tantrums. Then I am judging the crying and judging my handling of it. When I am clear enough, I prefer to stay present and listen, which has been such a helpful way for people to be with me when I am upset. 

This week was full of tiny (maybe actually huge) wonderful things. When Sarah and Amy and I were all in the SR room together and Amy pretended to eat play-doh, Sarah cracked up. She knows we aren't supposed to eat play-doh. Understanding rules enough to find humor in pretending to break them seems sophisticated in some way, in a very typical-kid way. I also loved this moment because the girls were really playing together, as they have been doing more and more. One night when I was cooking dinner I yelled at them for roughhousing in the kitchen. Then I thought how lovely it was that they were wresting together so much.

Sarah had two appointments this week and for each one she introduced herself when we arrived. Unprompted! Spontaneous! Never done before! Her last name needs a bit of clarifying but she almost has it. 

When I was carrying Sarah into the SR room one afternoon she had her arms around my neck and said clearly and spontaneously (with pauses between each word) "I love you so much." She has never said that full sentence before. If she says anything like it, which is still rare, it is more often "Ah vv do too" which  is how she learned it very early (J: I love you. S: vv eeoo. J: I love you too. I do! S: Ah vv do too.)

Sarah has started juicing the greens in the morning completely of her own accord. Usually she would move the kale, chard, or collard greens out of her way so she could get the carrots and celery. I would do the greens. This week she started picking up the greens to do them too.

I made meatballs and cut them into pieces for the girls to eat. Amy ate all of hers. Sarah ate a couple bites and then put the rest on the table. I told her I wanted her to eat some more or to at least leave them on the plate if she didn't want them. While I was temporarily distracted, Amy's plate and my plate mysteriously filled with new meatball bites. When I called Sarah on her sneakiness she gave me a knowing look of pure, intentional innocence.

She has been making faces at herself in the mirror sometimes when she is at the bathroom sink. One morning she then pointed to her actual self and said "it's me." We have been working on pronouns for a while. Pronouns are so tricky because they change all around as you try to explain them. Often I use her own hand to point to herself or to me and then say the sentence that would be correct. 

One of our goals is to get Sarah involved in more physical play. J. wore a Pirates shirt one night and that somehow lead to a baseball game in the SR room and running to first base! Carl has gotten a little bit of a game of tag going. Another volunteer encouraged Sarah to participate in cleaning up by turning the process into a basketball game (throwing the toy pieces into the box). 

Sarah has been interested in the new pictures of friends and family that are part of our new games, but so far hasn't embraced the new play in the way we envisioned. This is very typical of games made for Son-Rise rooms - they often don't unfold as planned and that is ok too. This is why we are flexible!

With Son-Rise play it is suggested that we add one small thing at a time as the way to build into a more complex scenario. I hadn't really experienced this much until this week when we started with a tent and kept adding small things (drawing a campfire, singing camp songs, singing about the plaid tent, roasting hot dogs, roasting marshmallows, eating pea donuts). Then we switched to creating a bus which was very simple at first and then grew and changed. First I was the driver, then we got a steering wheel and Sarah was the driver. Then we were stopping for play-doh ice cream. Then we were reading a book on the bus. In both play scenarios what I really appreciated was how we both added ideas and how I was able to incorporate some of her ideas into the original theme instead of switching to new play as I might have done in the past (such as when she said to get ice cream, I made sure that was just a stop on our bus ride instead of ditching the bus).

As a supreme finish to a week filled with lots of pretend buses, Carl took Sarah on an adventure downtown yesterday and they rode buses and subways together. He said she did amazingly well with almost all of it, staying focused and attentive. At one point they took a break to have a snack at a bar (I had packed Sarah-friendly snacks). When another child came in, Sarah's excited jaw movements and arm movements started up in earnest. This is such helpful feedback to know how she is doing with processing various parts of her life. Kids, automated doors, and hallways with patterned carpet or lights (as they have at the Children's hospital) can still really get her excited movements going and other connections become harder at that time. When she is in the SR room she is now almost always reachable. As I continue to notice and affirm, it is good to have occasional experiences outside the home and the SR room, but I think Sarah learns and grows more quickly in the quiet focused space we have created for her. 

I am pleased to report that for the first time ever the scale registered 34 lbs for our little peanut!!