July 17

I totally understand that when one goes on vacation from normal jobs that it might be harder upon reentry. Somehow I am always surprised by the level of difficulty I experience when returning to my home job. My work job is easy to return to. After the family reunion I promptly left to visit my friend in Montana. It was a wonderful visit filled with lots of laughter. My first half day at home felt easy because I had very low expectations of myself. Friday I somehow expected myself to be back to normal but I was grumpy and feeling like Sonia did a better job than I did at mothering my kids. I was generally feeling overwhelmed. Saturday morning I also felt tired and overwhelmed. Today I am feeling tired and overwhelmed and as if I will never get back in the groove of making food and veggie juice and being the kind of mom I want to be. 

There have been some good things though that I can still notice even while I am feeling low. Sonia made some excellent changes while I was away. She started having Sarah pack and unpack her epi-pens. She also started teaching Amy how to use them so that if they are together and a grown-up needs guidance, Amy can give it. She also had the girls participate in picking what would get packed for their lunches (I have already not continued this. Sigh).  And if there are places where I think she does a better job than I do, isn’t that actually wonderful and all the more reason to have such amazing help? The trick is to not then feel like a bad person myself.

Sarah asked for a veggie first thing Saturday morning. That is my requirement before they have their treat but this was the first time Sarah requested it and didn’t complain about it. Today she asked for a veggie but still spat some of it out in her haste to be done.

Ballet was much the same as it has been but I was able to notice and appreciate how much Sarah was still paying attention even when she wasn’t sitting or standing with her classmates. Whenever the teacher would ask her a question she would answer and she also did some of the movements.

Carl took each girl out biking yesterday on his bike with the attached child element. When one of them wasn’t with Carl then I took them biking around the block on Sarah’s bike (with training wheels). They both loved both parts and did very well. I survived being scared of them falling off and getting hurt.

I had felt like I was in such a good groove for so long! It feels extra disappointing to be struggling so much. Then I feel terrible about feeling terrible when so many people around the world have cause to feel truly terrible. 

I hope you are all feeing clearer than I am.

July 10

In keeping with the universe conspiring in my favor…the girls and I had a truly wonderful and easy time while Carl was away, with less help than I sometimes arrange for myself. I actually felt like I shifted into a different mentality that was just way more at ease than usual. It probably helped that we hardly did anything or went anywhere. But when we did go to a playground on Monday we met a family that seems totally awesome for us right now. While the mom and I were busy talking about the million things we have in common, our four girls were off playing a ball game together! Yes, Sarah too. For some of it she was just watching, but she was watching while in the general circle of participation. Holy moly!!!!!!!!!

N. had an amazing SR session on Wednesday. For the first half hour Amy was in the room too and they all had a riotously good time fake sneezing. Apparently the girls sneezed so hard they knocked over N. Later, when it was just Sarah and N, somehow they got started with N being a snail in need of a shell. He went to the shell store (in the closet) and Sarah pretended to welcome him to various different stores, while helping him try on new shells (made of large plastic stepping stones called River Stones). Amazing!! At one point Sarah had to pee so she told N. she was going to the potty and would be right back!

I started a new system to encourage good eating, drinking, and helping. The girls earn pennies for eating veggies, fruit, and protein, drinking various liquids, helping, and cleaning up. They can spend their pennies to get a new toy from the basement storage area, 1/2 hour playtime in the basement, 1/2 hour tv episode, 1 chapter of the BFG, looking through a photobook with me, or the expensive items of an extra treat or extra iphone/ipad turn. So far so good.

The girls and I played Chutes and Ladders and it was so easy. They took turns so easily! I had to help with where to go because the board is a bit chaotic, but they were just each so patient. It was so easy and I love how that is becoming less and less novel. I was almost bored! 

Sarah had a super amazing massage session with J. This was her third session. I am always in the room with them but this time I was with Amy at the beginning so they had already started when I came in. It was magical. I stayed as quiet as I could so as to not draw any attention to my presence. Sarah was the most calm I have ever seen her while someone is touching her and stayed calm for the longest time. She is that way for short bits with me but this was sustained and with deeper, slower touch than she normally allows from me. Sometimes J. would have one hand on Sarah’s hip and then her hand was on top of his. It was so incredibly sweet I thought I might implode. As with some other moments, I took a picture with my heart and soul. Eventually Sarah did notice me but she stayed in her calmness for almost the whole rest of the session. Then she wanted to talk more about her socks and was moving more and seemed clearly done. What an honor it was to witness such beautiful moments.

While witnessing the massage session and listening to Sarah talk to J. or to me I was reminiscing about my early days with Sarah in the SR room when we would talk about one of her teachers sneezing and what color tissues she used. At that point Sarah’s language was such a fledgeling. I marvel at the clear words and full sentences that spill forth from her so easily now. WOW. I can’t believe we are here at this moment.

We just returned from a short trip to Wisconsin for a family reunion with Carl’s side of the family. I love all of these individuals very much. The place was beautiful and generally as easy a set-up as I could hope for. And… I was totally a ball of tight stress and a very grumpy mom on the edge of tears for many moments. It felt very hard to sometimes be trying to watch both girls when they wanted to do different things and would change their mind rapidly about the thing that they just said they wanted. It was hard to keep them quiet when they woke up much earlier than most other people. I also had many moments of feeling generally good. I was so disappointed in myself for the times I was having a hard time. I feel like these wonderful family members often only see me at my worst (or close to worst). On the flight home I was thinking about how with massage I am glad when I find a spot that hurts or is notably tight because then I can give it some love. I am attempting to see this large family gathering and Jenny-stress as the same sort of good hurt that I can look at with love. Let it also be noted that I never felt judged by anyone, just loved and supported. And a stranger even complimented me on how well-behaved the kids were. I think I looked at her stunned for a moment like I wasn’t sure what planet we were on or whose kids she was referring to, but it was still a nice thing for her to say and may actually have been true outside of my perception of the struggle.

One extra awesome part of the trip was when we took the kids bowling. They had bumpers and a ramp to help, but you still had to use some force to get a good outcome. Amy got a 103! And by the end Sarah was cheering just like the rest of us. It seemed like all of the adults and kids had a great time. I had the best game I’ve ever had. Another exciting new thing was that the girls took the elevator in the reunion building all by themselves. Many times. The tricky thing was that they wanted to continue all the time and have it as a toy or a ride so there was some tension around my not letting that happen. But overall, what grownup little kiddos they are becoming! They even rode in booster seats in the rental car! 

I am off to Montana tomorrow to visit my friend G. who has been one of my best friends (along with her sister) since I was 4. This makes for a quick turn-around since we just got back from Wisconsin a few hours ago. I feel good as usual that the girls will be in good hands and I am thankful to Sonia for changing her schedule so she can arrive eeeearly so that Carl can still get to work on time. 

I hope you are all well. I hope you feel surrounded by love and kindness. I hope you can approach yourself with the same love and kindness that you receive from your most loving and kind supporters.

July 2

We went blueberry picking! This is one of my favorite field trips. It was hot and beautiful and we still have yummy berries.

Sarah lost another tooth. It had been loose for a long time and then it was very loose and then it was very very loose and then we woke up Wednesday morning hearing her say, “there’s a tooth under my pillow!” It must have come out right after she woke up. Wednesday night I woke up when I heard Sarah mumble in her sleep. I nudged Mr. Tooth Fairy in a panic to ask if the tooth had been placed under her pillow and if the tooth fairy had come. He had not! But Sarah was no longer fast asleep and her head was right where he needed it not to be. Luckily we had some coins in the bedroom and he devised a plan to bring her a cup of water. While she took a sip he deftly made the switch. Phew.

We had a lovely visit with some good friends who used to be our neighbors a few years ago. Out of the blue Sarah said the name of their dog. No one had mentioned the dog. There was a dog nearby that may have triggered her memory. But no one had said the name of their dog to Sarah in maybe 3 years. What a memory! Where does she store these things?

We also celebrated Carl’s 40th birthday! For this occasion (note: I never spell occasion or occasionally right on the first try) I made a list of 40 wonderful things that I love about him, though of course I could have kept going. One that didn’t fit but deserves mention was when we were in Scotland at Edinburgh castle we were not dressed warmly enough for the incessant cold wind. But we wanted to listen to a knight giving a presentation outside. I huddled behind Carl, using him as a windbreak and he stood as if the wind didn’t bother him at all. He was cold. He just said he decided not to mind it. Chivalry is so not dead.

Sarah and Amy and I played Crazy Eights. Whenever Sarah needed to draw a card she would do so and with great enthusiasm say, “oooh, I got a ____!” It was hilariously adorable. Amy and I were cracking up. Sarah enjoyed our laughter. After a few rounds of this then Amy started doing the same thing. It was one of my best times of not end-gaining at all towards a completed game and being able to really enjoy Sarah’s personality as she played the game.

Ballet class today went well again, though Sarah was definitely even more into walking back and forth and opening and closing doors rather than participating. I had to intervene a couple times when she was going into the supply closet but otherwise I stayed calm and the teacher didn’t seem to mind and Sarah did do a few things with the group.

Sarah has achieved a new level of crazy strength. She can do pull-ups. Tonight she did maybe 10 or 15. She is SOOOO strong!

In general I feel like the universe just continues to conspire in my favor. You want a schooling situation you are excited about for Sarah? Voila. You want a small, relaxed ballet class that is perfect for your children and just ten minutes from home? Sure, here you go. You want to heal from years of tension and all emotional crap stored in your body? Here is an amazing massage therapist with just the right blend of modalities and intuition in walking distance! And he will also come to the house to work with Sarah! During my Jenny-Rise session this week, in my right shoulder and area under my right clavicle I could feel all the tearful, “I can’t do this!” feelings that I didn’t realize were sitting there, but on my left side I felt, “Oh, this is just me, fully me, innately and solidly me.” It was such an amazing moment of feeling what is going on inside me. Because it is of course all me. The left just seems to be in the present moment where the right is holding years of stuff.  Anyway, I am just so deeply grateful for all of the amazing goodness in my life. 

As much love to all of you as Sarah is strong.

June 26

Sarah has been using some new words and I’m not sure where she has learned them but I love it. I love how often she says things that I find truly surprising and funny. On Monday with Sc, Sarah said something was terrifying. After dinner on Tuesday, she said, “Mom, I polished off my turkey burger."

Recently, Amy took her drawing supplies to a little platform on our playground equipment. When Sarah and I went out to invite her inside, Amy said she would come in when she was done with her writing and that she just wanted some quiet time. When she was done she used a butterfly net to carry her art supplies back into the house.

This morning, Sarah was pretending to eat amy’s toast saying “yum, yum, yum.” Amy was saying to stop. Carl told Sarah to “be quiet please” because the girls were watching a show. Sarah then still leaned towards Amy’s toast but this time said a very quiet “yum, yum yum.” 

Several weeks ago I signed Amy up for a ballet class at the same place she went last summer. Sarah kept saying she wanted to do it too. I kept thinking that it wouldn’t work out well, just as last summer it hadn’t worked out so well. I kept telling Sarah that she and I would stand outside and watch buses. She kept insisting that she wanted to be in the class. Yesterday morning was the first class and at the last minute I decided to sign Sarah up as well and we zoomed to Target to get her ballet slippers in time for class. I am so glad I did all of that. I wish I had decided earlier, but at least it was still in time. Two students were absent and so with Sarah there it was a class of 3. The other child was uncertain and reserved about the whole thing. Amy was very talkative and participated in everything. Sarah was talkative (though not only at the indicated times) and participated in most things. The teacher was relaxed, encouraging, and wonderful. She remembered Sarah from last year, even though she hadn’t been the main teacher. (Incidentally, Sarah went in and called the teacher the name of her teacher last summer, which I hadn’t even remembered!) I was also much more relaxed about the whole thing and decided that if the teacher didn’t mind Sarah sometimes getting up and moving around when it wasn’t the “right” time or coming to the door occasionally that that was ok. As I learned last summer, it is probably more disruptive for me to intervene. So I will just let things be unless the teacher asks for me. This was a dreamy situation to basically have a private class with only one extra kid and a teacher who was flexible and didn’t make the kids to do something they didn’t want to do. Awesome!

I hope you are all well.

June 19

Today we celebrate “Mother’s Day for Dad,” as Sarah described it. I feel extremely blessed to have 3 dads for myself (birth, step, and in-law) plus the best father for my children I can possibly imagine. Among my favorite things in this world: hearing Carl play with legos with the girls (at one time involving a snake that gave haircuts by eating the hair off of a person’s head), watching Carl play Doodle Bug Live with the girls (bouncing them around on our bed and then moving them down to the floor while they made the sound effects), and thinking I need to referee a situation only to arrive and discover Carl already in the room dealing with it.

Sarah had an Anat Baniel Lesson on Friday and her practitioner gave her a package of seeds to take home. I put it on the table in our entry room. After an hour at home Sarah came to find me and asked, “Mom, where are the seeds?” with solid eye contact and word clarity. I told her. She went downstairs, put on her shoes, got the seeds, went outside to the back deck and asked to plant them. We didn’t actually have the time to plant them then, but what an awesome little moment!

Yesterday we were at a beach and there was a little girl who came over to where Sarah was playing and asked, “do you want to play with me?” Carl answered, “yes! we do want to play with you!” He talked to her about the dots on her swimsuit. Sarah didn’t seem to notice. After a few other attempts at finding a common interest between the girls, Carl noticed the new acquaintance jump over a wave. With joyful enthusiasm, he asked Sarah if she wanted to jump over a wave. She did! The girls jumped over waves together. This is so incredibly wonderful and amazing. I am so grateful for our last team meeting when G. helped us understand how to be a bridge between a new kid and Sarah. I am thrilled with how beautifully Carl put this into practice. 

I had two wonderful times of teaching the Alexander Technique to massage students this week. I was able to see and feel and explain things better than ever. What I am aiming to fully internalize is the truth of how much our own state of being influences those with whom we are in contact. That is very clear in hands-on modalities. What I believe is that it is just as influential in parenting or other interactions. This is not to say that I can control my kids (as if!) but it is to remind myself that the more I focus on being clear and easy in my own being then the more ease I invite into the interactions with my children. I know I have written about this before. It is something for me to learn, relearn, and relearn a few more million times, perhaps with more depth of understanding each time. I love love love how much I love my work and how much I can apply my learning to all areas of my life. I also find that my SR experience helps me be a better AT teacher because I have an easier time just loving my students even if they aren’t open to AT or don’t seem to care or want me there. I can actually still love them. And sometimes after a few repeat visits I can even find a new way to make AT helpful for them. 

With massage I work with students to not lead with tightened hands or arms, but to use their rear-wheel drive of movement in their ankles, knees, hips, and back while keeping their arms and hands easy (not floopity, but not taut). I am endeavoring to figure out what my parenting rear-wheel drive is so that I don’t lead with taut words and tone. While writing this update all about love, ease, and figuring things out, I have yelled at and spoken sternly to my children at least 20 times. That’s the humbling truth of it. Where is my parenting AT teacher to have their gentle hands on my being to help me find and feel a new way? Sometimes I feel like I just need a few minutes to collect myself. In this last hour I have not collected myself or found my ease. I’m doing so a bit now.

June 12

Last Sunday after I wrote my update we had amazing team meeting. We talked about seeing ourselves plus Sarah as one unit when we are in the room instead of two separate entities. We discussed how to help foster connections with other children. It was totally mind opening (thanks to G) to think about just connecting ourselves to the other child and when it is easy make a comment that connects to something we know Sarah likes. We know Sarah can connect to us. If we are relaxed and easy then that will help the whole thing feel relaxed and easy. If Sarah then looks at the other kid for a nano-second we can consider ourselves and the moment successful. There is no need to tell Sarah what to say to the other kid. There is no need to explain anything to the other kid. We can just connect to the kid in Sarah’s vicinity. 

We also discussed having Amy present for part of each SR session. Sarah already is used to including Amy in her awareness and to playing with her, more than she does with any other kid. Sc has done sessions like this but it is new to expand it to the whole team. N had a wonderful session after the meeting, both during the time with Amy and the time with just Sarah.

After the session with N, I noticed during dinner that when Amy was talking at one point, Sarah was looking at her and quietly listening. What shocked me was realizing how this might actually be happening on a regular basis and that I might consider it so normal as not to realize, “holy smokes! that is amazing!!” Or maybe it is just starting and that is why I did notice and think, “holy smokes! That is amazing!”

We met with our child psychologist who has approved of our homeschooling program (as required by PA) to review this past year.  Sarah was not connecting much with her because of buses outside and other things in office, which is usually how it goes. Towards the end we were talking some about her volunteers and she was involved in the conversation a bit.  Sarah mentioned G. and I said that they sang together. I asked if she wanted to sing “Brown Bear.” She sang the whole thing perfectly, in tune, in rhythm, with good pitch, from start to finish, with sparkly connected eye contact and delighted presence. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had recorded it with my phone; instead I just recorded it with my heart.

I had a wonderful SR session. It was my first time in the room in a little while. I was in part inspired by playing for a few minutes with a friend’s kid in grocery store and bringing my SR skills to the surface more than they sometimes are. It was such a recharge. Even though I was tired I felt easy and connected and playful, in the store and at home. Sarah and I had a stellar 90 minutes together. I focused a lot on her clarity of speaking, asking frequently for clarity and cheering and snuggling hugely for each attempt, whether successful or not.

Sarah has been very interested in coloring lately, which is new for her. I credit Amy’s passion for art with inspiring Sarah’s fervor. 

Sarah had another massage session with J. She didn’t give me chin presses as often, but she did sit up and move around after each moment of contact. When I carried her up to bed later and said maybe I could work on her sometimes too and said, “I want Joel to work with Sarah again.” There you have it. I feel affirmed in my request to have him work with her, which sometimes can feel silly given my profession. My connection with her is so varied and his connection feels clearer and cleaner for this kind of work. I can do some cleanly and clearly and connectedly. I can also feel myself full of memories of past struggles that may be sitting in her muscles. I can sense myself end-gaining and wanting to fix her in some way. So, that is why I want J. as part of the process. I am used to sometimes getting teary with work on myself. I was surprised to get teary with the work on Sarah (I had my hands on her too when she allowed it). I think my tears were in response to remembering some of the super challenging times when she was little and couldn’t roll over and hated tummy time with a passion. Thinking about the shape of her head brought me right back to when she was mostly bald and had a very flat head in the back and how much embarrassment I had over that in public. Noticing the tension in her super-strong thighs brought memories of when she was learning to walk and how hard her muscles were working. We have come such a very far way and I am deciding that any feelings that come to the surface are just old junk being cleared. Hand me a hankie?

I started planning for a trip in July regarding food for Sarah. For a trip where we fly, it is the best possible situation because my mother-in-law will be my shopper and baker ahead of time. Still. After making list of what she can make and bring, lists of what I will bring, lists of what I think Sarah might eat for each meal and snack, I noticed myself in full-blown tighten-all-muscles-in-my-head-as-if-I-am-sucking-my-head-through-a-straw-into-me-mode. Ah. Well then. I had a good cry about it and how much it represents from all the years of doing and planning and worrying around Sarah and food. I am so grateful for this moment and for noticing and deciding to let the tears fall. I am very good at all of this organization and I have such support in doing it. And still I can suck myself into myself with such vigor that if it weren’t for meds I know I would have given myself a headache. The journey continues. After the tears then I felt much more spacious and capable again. 

Now for the frustrating end to the week…I talked with Sarah’s naturopath about the latest round of tests. It turns out that Sarah now has an allergy to mustard (which she hardly ever has, but come on!), and has a notable sensitivity to cashews (ARGH!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and a mild sensitivity to almonds (argh! no!). The sensitivities are probably from over-doing these foods over the past few years. We are cleared to try wheat and dairy again. We don’t have to completely eliminate cashews or almonds but we do have to rotate them in her diet and give her more variety overall. She has a yeast overgrowth, which she has never had before. We are going to treat it with probiotics. I would like to go sit in a closet and cry for a few days. As if this food stuff hasn’t been hard enough?!?!!! Now it gets even harder?!?!?!?ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is how I felt on Thursday after talking with the doctor. I’m feeling better today, but I would still like to register an official complaint to some Official Complaint Department. 

June 5

Sarah visited her new school for an hour this week and it went well. She also went to daycare a couple of times. The second day she was at daycare she started crying and asking for me at the same time within the day that she used to ask for me and cry during kindergarten. In daycare they are used to kids crying so were relaxed about it and just told her when I would be there. Then she asked for Sonia. They said they didn’t know where Sonia was. Sarah digested the information and reached equilibrium. I am hopeful that if she continues to want to go to daycare that it could be a good venue for moving through her moments of upset. There is no agenda or goal that has to be met so the caregivers can be a bit more relaxed about the whole situation. Friday night Sarah did start saying she didn’t want to go to daycare on Monday and then said she would try. Whatever she chooses is fine because she can stay home with Sonia while I work if she doesn’t want to go to daycare. The only reason I was taking her to daycare was because she wanted to go. I do think that having her go semi-regularly could help with the transition to a longer school day in the fall. This hadn’t been my plan for the summer at all, but now that it has presented itself as something the girls want then it seems like a good plan.

Sarah can get herself a yogurt (homemade soy) without any help. She asks if she can have one, opens the fridge, picks one from the yogurt shelf on the door, opens it, gets a spoon and goes to town. So simple and yet so self-sufficient and empowered. 

Amy has started making her bed some days. I never taught her how. This is awesome!

Amy and Sarah and I have played almost 3 full games of the Pete the Cat Groovy Buttons Game together. Sarah does need some prompting and help but overall it has been going easily and well.

While receiving massages this week I realized that I am perhaps holding onto some tension because if I have the headaches then I have a reason for not being a better me. Given that I am on meds to not actually get headaches this seems like kind of a moot and silly point, but it was a startling thought to notice. I don’t believe it is the whole truth but there is a grain of truth. Somehow having someone press on or hold my tight spots that maybe haven’t ever seen the light of a thumb brings me face to face with myself in a way where I can’t hide. It is probably also that I am wanting to see and learn what has been hiding in my tight corners because if I truly didn’t want to notice these things or think about them then I don’t think I would. Humbling though. Sometimes I feel very vulnerable on this road to freedom. Then there is the flip side of realizing that I don’t have to figure out how to let go of these things (beliefs, fears, tensions). I don’t have to figure out what I am holding onto. I can just let it go. Sometimes.

Today we say goodbye to L. because she is moving to Canada. She has been an amazing and steadfast volunteer with us from the very beginning of Sarah-Rise and we will miss her very much. She has a gentle way of being that has taught me how it is possible to have excitement and enthusiasm in way that is different from my own. Thank goodness it is. Part of her gift to Sarah is to bring her true self to the room, bringing that variety, that quiet creativity, and her grounded love to her time with Sarah. What an amazing gift.

I am really awestruck with all of the volunteers that we have had over the years, especially those who have been with us for basically the whole time. Really??? You all really want to do this and be here with your time??? REALLY???!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so loved and supported and would like to mention that these amazing people see my house in its true state of disarray on a regular basis. I do clean the SR room before sessions (usually) but that is it. How freeing to realize that all of these people still love us. It actually doesn’t matter if the house is a mess. Sometimes I am a mess. Sometimes Sarah is a mess. These amazing individuals come anyway and love us all anyway. And we love them! 

Love to all of you and your messes and tight spots.