June 12

Last Sunday after I wrote my update we had amazing team meeting. We talked about seeing ourselves plus Sarah as one unit when we are in the room instead of two separate entities. We discussed how to help foster connections with other children. It was totally mind opening (thanks to G) to think about just connecting ourselves to the other child and when it is easy make a comment that connects to something we know Sarah likes. We know Sarah can connect to us. If we are relaxed and easy then that will help the whole thing feel relaxed and easy. If Sarah then looks at the other kid for a nano-second we can consider ourselves and the moment successful. There is no need to tell Sarah what to say to the other kid. There is no need to explain anything to the other kid. We can just connect to the kid in Sarah’s vicinity. 

We also discussed having Amy present for part of each SR session. Sarah already is used to including Amy in her awareness and to playing with her, more than she does with any other kid. Sc has done sessions like this but it is new to expand it to the whole team. N had a wonderful session after the meeting, both during the time with Amy and the time with just Sarah.

After the session with N, I noticed during dinner that when Amy was talking at one point, Sarah was looking at her and quietly listening. What shocked me was realizing how this might actually be happening on a regular basis and that I might consider it so normal as not to realize, “holy smokes! that is amazing!!” Or maybe it is just starting and that is why I did notice and think, “holy smokes! That is amazing!”

We met with our child psychologist who has approved of our homeschooling program (as required by PA) to review this past year.  Sarah was not connecting much with her because of buses outside and other things in office, which is usually how it goes. Towards the end we were talking some about her volunteers and she was involved in the conversation a bit.  Sarah mentioned G. and I said that they sang together. I asked if she wanted to sing “Brown Bear.” She sang the whole thing perfectly, in tune, in rhythm, with good pitch, from start to finish, with sparkly connected eye contact and delighted presence. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I had recorded it with my phone; instead I just recorded it with my heart.

I had a wonderful SR session. It was my first time in the room in a little while. I was in part inspired by playing for a few minutes with a friend’s kid in grocery store and bringing my SR skills to the surface more than they sometimes are. It was such a recharge. Even though I was tired I felt easy and connected and playful, in the store and at home. Sarah and I had a stellar 90 minutes together. I focused a lot on her clarity of speaking, asking frequently for clarity and cheering and snuggling hugely for each attempt, whether successful or not.

Sarah has been very interested in coloring lately, which is new for her. I credit Amy’s passion for art with inspiring Sarah’s fervor. 

Sarah had another massage session with J. She didn’t give me chin presses as often, but she did sit up and move around after each moment of contact. When I carried her up to bed later and said maybe I could work on her sometimes too and said, “I want Joel to work with Sarah again.” There you have it. I feel affirmed in my request to have him work with her, which sometimes can feel silly given my profession. My connection with her is so varied and his connection feels clearer and cleaner for this kind of work. I can do some cleanly and clearly and connectedly. I can also feel myself full of memories of past struggles that may be sitting in her muscles. I can sense myself end-gaining and wanting to fix her in some way. So, that is why I want J. as part of the process. I am used to sometimes getting teary with work on myself. I was surprised to get teary with the work on Sarah (I had my hands on her too when she allowed it). I think my tears were in response to remembering some of the super challenging times when she was little and couldn’t roll over and hated tummy time with a passion. Thinking about the shape of her head brought me right back to when she was mostly bald and had a very flat head in the back and how much embarrassment I had over that in public. Noticing the tension in her super-strong thighs brought memories of when she was learning to walk and how hard her muscles were working. We have come such a very far way and I am deciding that any feelings that come to the surface are just old junk being cleared. Hand me a hankie?

I started planning for a trip in July regarding food for Sarah. For a trip where we fly, it is the best possible situation because my mother-in-law will be my shopper and baker ahead of time. Still. After making list of what she can make and bring, lists of what I will bring, lists of what I think Sarah might eat for each meal and snack, I noticed myself in full-blown tighten-all-muscles-in-my-head-as-if-I-am-sucking-my-head-through-a-straw-into-me-mode. Ah. Well then. I had a good cry about it and how much it represents from all the years of doing and planning and worrying around Sarah and food. I am so grateful for this moment and for noticing and deciding to let the tears fall. I am very good at all of this organization and I have such support in doing it. And still I can suck myself into myself with such vigor that if it weren’t for meds I know I would have given myself a headache. The journey continues. After the tears then I felt much more spacious and capable again. 

Now for the frustrating end to the week…I talked with Sarah’s naturopath about the latest round of tests. It turns out that Sarah now has an allergy to mustard (which she hardly ever has, but come on!), and has a notable sensitivity to cashews (ARGH!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and a mild sensitivity to almonds (argh! no!). The sensitivities are probably from over-doing these foods over the past few years. We are cleared to try wheat and dairy again. We don’t have to completely eliminate cashews or almonds but we do have to rotate them in her diet and give her more variety overall. She has a yeast overgrowth, which she has never had before. We are going to treat it with probiotics. I would like to go sit in a closet and cry for a few days. As if this food stuff hasn’t been hard enough?!?!!! Now it gets even harder?!?!?!?ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is how I felt on Thursday after talking with the doctor. I’m feeling better today, but I would still like to register an official complaint to some Official Complaint Department.