Sarah went to work! Part of her school program now includes one day a week of going to a job with a teacher and some other students from the St. Anthony Program. Sarah started her job on Monday, going to a seminary that is near her school. She helped empty trash cans, wipe door knobs, and clean tables. When I asked her if she liked it she said no, but not with any further explanation. I decided not to inquire further.
The pool was finally open so Sarah had her swim lesson and Amy and I had our time in the water too. The pool had been closed for weeks for repairs so that may be the reason that on the first day of reopening there were no lane dividers. It was very strange to be in a huge pool with no divisions and yet to swim laps. Amy swam here, there, and everywhere, enjoying her wide open freedom.
Overall my week felt spacious and relaxed and included a delicious brunch with one of my best friends. The timing of an open day and brunch with a friend Friday was particularly helpful given what I learned Thursday evening. One of my high school classmates died after being robbed and stabbed. While I hadn’t spoken to him or had any connection aside from Facebook since we graduated, I am still reeling and feel off balance. He is the first of my high school class to die so that throws the whole issue of mortality to the forefront, where I prefer it not to be. It's such a painful way to die and I keep wondering what those last moments were like for him. At first I cried hard while Amy and Carl snuggled against me (Sarah was already in bed), and then . . . then I went about the rest of my life. As one does. This whole business of how life keeps going even when it stops tragically for one person or family baffles me. I have had many wonderful, happy, laugh-filled moments. And then I will suddenly think of this classmate and feel so sad and stunned.
While Sarah and I are perfectly capable of having tough moments without an excuse, I would like to think that maybe my intermittent stunned sadness was partially to blame for my not having the space to handle things well yesterday regarding Sarah. Amy, Sarah, and I were with some good friends at Idlewild, trick-or-treating in the Storybook Forest. It was chilly but otherwise beautiful. Amy was a siren (as in a mermaid and the reason Odysseus tied himself to the mast), Sarah was the elephant from Blue Hat, Green Hat, and I was the bear from that same book. Anna led the production of Sarah’s costume so it is phenomenal. We had a fun time and then had a car picnic with our friends in their car to be warm while we ate. The plan was to then use the bathroom and explore the rest of the park. Sarah and I drove separately so we could leave when she wanted to. Unfortunately, we learned that the giant ball pit was not available anymore. Why do amusement parks keep getting rid of the few things that Sarah loves?! Sarah decided right after lunch that she wanted to go home. I said that was fine and we could after we used the bathroom because it’s an hour drive to get home. I wanted her to keep her wristband on in case she saw something she wanted to do near the restroom. She proceeded to remove the wristband as I was strongly requesting that she keep it on for a few more minutes. I felt mad and told her I was mad. That was a mistake. She then screamed and things when downhill quickly, with her throwing herself on the ground and kicking off her shoe. I was panicking about this happening in a parking lot and just wanted it to stop. Within a couple of minutes we were in our car and I decided we would just hold our pee and drive home. We both cried about the clash with each other. We both apologized. We had good times later in the day. But still. I am always embarrassed when I so quickly turn into a tight mean parent unable to respond gracefully, especially when in hindsight the initial problem was not really a problem. It was more about the idea of being blatantly not listened to. Energetically and emotionally I feel like I ran a race and still need to recover.
Carl was away yesterday for a rowing race and then driving to a location in preparation for a bike race today. So Sarah and I get a lot of time together, which can be wonderful, but also sometimes I don’t want to hear the usual few statements again and again and again and again. And despite feeling like I should be love incarnate because life is short, instead I feel like I have less emotional space to be present and delight in her. In these moments I try to simplify my next steps. Maybe get some water to drink, make sure I am not hungry, pee, read a fun book, do a crossword, or nap. Also, to put it in perspective, maybe it’s ok that after an hour or two of focus and delight, I want a break.
This week I did an experiment with our front room. I didn’t put away anyone’s shoes except my own. A messy pile accumulated from the shoes of the three people with whom I reside. And then this morning, Sarah put away most of the shoes! All of her own initiative, saying she wanted to help clean the front room!! Somehow I hadn’t expected her to be the one to get tired of the mess first, as her room is often covered in piles of stuff. I love it when she surprises me like this.
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