Thank you to all who reached out in support regarding my aunt. She died peacefully Tuesday evening. I’m so grateful that I got to see her first and say goodbye, and I’m also sad that she is gone. Sometimes you just know a person loves you even if you may not see each other often. I always knew she loved me and that meant a great deal. I think she knew that I loved her, but I didn’t ever specifically ask that question. I don’t think I ask that question of many people - except maybe my kids. I do ask them sometimes, “Do you know how much I love you?” They know the answer is to the moon and back or something similarly vast. On my drive home from seeing my aunt it rained off and on, but for one moment I saw a rainbow. I took that as a good sign.
We had our last swim lesson with the British Swim School on Monday. We had a wonderful 5 years with them and I highly recommend them to anyone (if your kid is younger than 13 or you want a class for adults). Tomorrow we have our first appointment with a private swim instructor for Sarah through Sunsational Swim School. Fingers crossed that there will be easy space for that to occur, since it is using the free swim time at a community pool, and for Amy and me to swim too.
On Wednesday my morning canceled so between talking to my (new to me) therapist and going to see my trainer at the gym, I went to Phipps Conservatory. I hadn’t been in years, though we are members. Since they have timed tickets for entry, that I didn’t know about, I had to wait for a bit. I went to the cafe and got a sandwich, which unfortunately turned out to be terrible. Usually I like their food, but this was just awful. I made myself eat it though because I knew I would need the energy later. Then I sat outside in the sun and worked on my book (rounding the bend towards finishing the 3rd and hopefully final draft!). Then I had twenty minutes to walk around in Phipps. It was a glorious twenty minutes and I intend to go back often. The air always feels healthy in there and smells so fresh. One bush had beautiful red flowers that looked like little lampshades. It is called The Biltmore Ballgown.
Speaking of ballgowns… Amy had her first dance! It was just for 6th grade and, in her words, “It was EPIC!” They had pizza, snacks, games, costume accessories, and a photographer so you could get pictures of you and your friends. There was no dress code or requirement, just whatever people wanted to wear. Amy wore a sparkly sequined black dress over pastel mermaid-scale leggings and had a hair clip with pastel hair that seemed mermaid-ish.
Sarah has had a mild cold all week, but tested negative for covid and seemed to be her usual self all week so still attended school (masked). We also successfully made it to the hair salon for bang trims, though it seemed just as tenuous as the last time I tried (and failed) to get her to go. I explained that I was leaving to get Amy and go straight to get bang trims and so Sarah needed to come at that moment if she was to get a bang trim. She protested vehemently that she wanted to watch her show or nap first. Eventually she said she wanted to go, but she insisted on changing her clothes first, which took more time than I had allowed so I got impatient and anxious.
I am getting better in many moments at seeing the difference between setting boundaries to take care of myself in a given interaction with Sarah versus trying to control her. Tuesday night I was having a lot of feelings after getting the news about my aunt, combined with several other things feeling weighty, so I was talking to Carl on the phone since he was away for work. He was listening to my tears and then Sarah, who had been in bed, started screaming for me. Since Carl was away she wanted me to come to bed to be next to her, as she sleeps in his spot if it is vacant. Instead of telling her not to scream (or perhaps after that didn’t work) I explained that I was going to finish my phone call and that she could scream or not, but I wasn’t going to come upstairs earlier because of her screaming. I felt calm and centered saying this and it also let Amy off the hook from trying to calm Sarah, which she was trying to do to be helpful. The challenge going forward is to continue to translate situations into seeing my own options instead of trying to force Sarah to be any certain way. When it works I feel good, clear, and empowered. The bang trim moment somehow straddled working and not working. I had the boundary that I was going to leave with or without her, but once I got her consent to accompany me then I didn’t have a way to enforce any boundary about timing, since I really wanted her to come. So this is a work in progress.
Lots of love to all of you.
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