First, I want to follow up on the whole bathroom screaming situation - when Sarah screams and pounds on the door if Amy is in the bathroom. When I last wrote about it it had seemingly miraculously stopped after Carl, Amy, and I decided we would ignore it completely if it happened. Well. I knew the cessation might just have been a coincidence as that happens sometimes anyway. Sure enough, Sarah certainly has more screams and door pounding in her and has let it out in spades over this past week. It does still help me stay calm to know that there is nothing I need to do about it.
Sarah has also had some screamy moments at school. When her teacher called to tell me about Friday’s screaming episode she explained how she asked what grade Sarah was in, while telling Sarah she would just ignore Sarah while she screamed. I asserted that I didn’t think referencing a grade or age helps Sarah and might add shame to her already struggling self. After all, I’m 45 and if someone were to remind me of that after I lost it emotionally then I would just feel even worse about myself than I already felt. Her teacher understood and we brainstormed other ideas for helping Sarah when she gets overloaded. Because I do think it is Sarah reaching overload rather than seeking attention. As Sarah has been reviving some of her old sign language lately, I looked up the sign for “overwhelm” and taught Sarah and sent a video to her teacher. That way, hopefully, if Sarah is overloaded she can do the sign if she can’t find the words. Or if she has the words, I told Sarah she can ask to just sit quietly at her desk. I ordered some of her favorite books so she can have copies at school to help her carve out a quiet niche and maybe regroup.
Sarah has continued wanting to eat on her own, usually now opting to be in her room with the door shut, “for privacy” as she tells me. The only tricky thing with this arrangement is that she easily gets distracted during meals regardless of where she is, and stops eating to play or read a book. I need to be able to know where she is in her meal progress and give nudges to make sure she has her prescription meds. On school mornings I need to make sure she finishes in time to get dressed in time for the bus. This week she did in fact attend school five full days in a row! A first for the year. The morning bus started coming five minutes earlier than even it’s usual 6:58am time, and every day but Friday Sarah was still upstairs getting ready when the bus honked to signal its arrival. Friday was a dress-down day for a walkathon so Sarah was more excited to get dressed and was downstairs with her shoes on when the bus arrived. She had also woken up half an hour earlier than usual on Friday morning so I’m sure that helped too.
While I’m used to Amy going into her room to hang out on her own, having Sarah want to do that much more often than usual instead of wanting to snuggle with me threw me for a loop. I wondered why I ever didn’t want to do “chirp chirp” with her. Now I missed her and was slightly worried about how solitary she seemed to want to be. I realized that a lot of my interaction over some weeks mainly involved judgement and frustration from me towards her. So is it really any surprise she wouldn’t want to be around that? Now I’m more in a mode of appreciating any time she wants to hang out with me, no matter what we are talking about. I remind myself that it’s ok if things she says don’t make sense. Most days after school she naps if she can and I started napping with her so at least we had that time together. I feel like that has helped us get back into an amicable connection. She even ate dinner with Amy and me a couple of times during the week. It helped that I bought Halloween candles so one night even though she planned to eat in her room, I set the table with her plate and asked her to help light the candles. She then sat down and started to eat. When she asked about going to her room I asked if she could stay but Amy and I could talk only with each other and pretend she wasn’t there. That was acceptable to her and we ended up talking with her anyway.
I feel like in one week I went from often feeling like I wanted more time to do my own things to suddenly feeling a bit of an empty nest syndrome and wanting to hang out with my kids if they will let me.
Thursday night Amy realized she needed to catch up on a lot of school work and had many panicked tears. I assured her that even if she didn’t catch up on any of the work, people would all still know what a thoughtful, bright, kind, creative, loving person she is. And that it wouldn’t change how much Carl and I love her from her ear tips to her toenails. She was able to laugh a little and breathe a little and we looked through each item she had to do. She finished most of them and felt much better about it all as she went to school the next day.
Sarah had her first swim lesson as a Turtle 2. It went well and it was so different seeing her in goggles. I got a call from her swim school saying that they only just realized she is 15 and that technically their programs for kids stop when kids are 13. I pushed back because she is so clearly still a kid and fits well with the kid classes. I don’t understand why they can’t just look at her specific situation instead of going by a general policy. I’m waiting to hear if they will make an exception for her, but at least they are allowing her to continue while they make up their mind. If they don’t allow her to continue as a kid then I can sign her up with them for adult lessons but then there aren’t the fun caps and animal designations.
Sarah has been having fun pretending to be Mrs. Potato head from Toy Story 3 in which she temporarily loses an eye. One day I came back from a short errand to find Sarah wearing a top hat and sunglasses and claiming to be Mrs. Potato Head. Yesterday she often wore a striped baseball hat and sunglasses, telling me she was going to the pool with Granddad. I love how I never know what to expect about how my kids will be dressed or who they are pretending to be.
Amy and I dyed her hair on Monday with purple in the strips of hair just next to her head. I don’t understand what it is about her hair but it does not hold the dye the way we expect. It washes out after one wash instead of lasting for a month. So Thursday night in addition to the extra homework we did the dye one more time since her picture day was on Friday. She did have lovely purple framing her face for Friday morning. My purple is nearly gone, also not really lasting the month I expected, but that is ok.
Sarah and I came up with a song for bedtime, to the tune of “Summertime” from Porgy and Bess. When she and Amy were little I used to sing, “Diaper time, and the livin is easy” but I always had my lyrics say it was ok to cry, where the original song says not to cry. Our new song, which Sarah belts out loudly and clearly, is
Bedtime and the livin’ is easy
Fish are snoozing
And the moon is high
The lights are low
And the clock is ticking
So come on baby
Close your eyes
Amy isn’t feeling the best today. Last night she was supposed to have a sleepover but ended up needing to come home because of feeling sick. So any good vibes are welcome. She is still sleeping now.
I hope you are all well.
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