Sarah is done with fourth grade. Her last week was a strange mix of days off and days of school. Tuesday and Thursday were in-service days (one for her school and one for her particular program). Friday she had school but dismissal was at 10am. As summer has been approaching, I’ve been looking forward to more relaxed days, but there have been notably struggly times with Sarah, as in multiple tantrums in public spaces and at home. I have realized that there are instances in which I don’t listen to Sarah’s “no” about things or set limits that maybe don’t need to be set. My goal is to remedy that as often as is truly possible. Similarly, I want her to work on hearing and responding appropriately to my “no” instead of whining, yelling, slamming things, or kicking things.
In tandem with the struggles, there are wonderful moments of increasing independence and maturity. The times when Amy makes her bed and makes her own breakfast or cleans up a room (encouraging Sarah to help) without my asking. The times when they watch a tv show and turn everything off when it is done without my saying anything. The times when I drop them off for a birthday party and I don’t have to stay (although I do stay a block away reading in my car, just in case) and Sarah participates in the activity! The times when they get ready to go to a spray park all by themselves including bringing the swim bag and sunblock downstairs. The times when my parenting job seems to get easier and easier. The times when Amy pulls Sarah in for a pajama-wearing snuggle hug and they are sparkly and joyful, looking at the camera at the same moment. (Part of Sarah’s sparkle was due to my saying her new favorite line, which she attributes to our sitter A, “It’s out of here!” as if a ball has just cleared the outfield.)
I wrote something, which many of you have already read, about the disconnect I feel regarding labels and what people might think upon hearing that I have a fifth grader (or a twelve year old for that matter). I always want to qualify the information lest they think my life very different from what it is. This is akin to qualifying that my pet is a cat rather than a dog. I just want to paint a slightly more accurate picture.
May you feel loved and understood for the whole picture of who you are, including the struggly bits.
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Not Pictured
What you don’t see in the last-day-of-school-photos and declarations of what grade is starting or ending…is that the grade attributed to my daughter means nothing. The only purpose is to serve as a rough indication of her age and of how many years she has attended school. There is nothing about her newly minted “rising fifth grader” self that corresponds to what people think of when they picture a fifth grader. Do you picture a celebration lunch at a restaurant that doesn’t even start because said fifth grader turns off lights to the seating area and doesn’t follow directions without loud protest, such that then the mom drags the screaming child out of the restaurant to have her tantrum in the car? No. That’s not pictured. This isn’t to say that I’m not proud of my amazing daughter and how far she has come, how far we have come together. This isn’t to say I don’t still believe she can learn anything and everything given time. This is just to say that grade labels mean so little when it comes to children who don’t fit what is “typical,” those children whose developmental map is uncharted. When she was an infant and diagnosed as “failure to thrive” she was below the graphed chart for weight. I like to think she is off the charts. So let’s not try to chart where she is or where she will go, because we just don’t know. All we can do is follow and celebrate where we are. I have to remind myself of this, lest I fall into some trap of thinking she should be other than she is based on some label of where she is (but isn’t really) in school. Where is she? Her teachers, parents, and helpers know. But that label of “fifth grade” doesn’t know and doesn’t tell you anything. Who she really is isn’t pictured by a label or a fleeting moment in a restaurant. I suppose the same could be true of all of us in different ways with different labels, though some labels work as indicators while others don’t. Anyway, I hope through my words over the years you can see the full picture.
What you don’t see in the last-day-of-school-photos and declarations of what grade is starting or ending…is that the grade attributed to my daughter means nothing. The only purpose is to serve as a rough indication of her age and of how many years she has attended school. There is nothing about her newly minted “rising fifth grader” self that corresponds to what people think of when they picture a fifth grader. Do you picture a celebration lunch at a restaurant that doesn’t even start because said fifth grader turns off lights to the seating area and doesn’t follow directions without loud protest, such that then the mom drags the screaming child out of the restaurant to have her tantrum in the car? No. That’s not pictured. This isn’t to say that I’m not proud of my amazing daughter and how far she has come, how far we have come together. This isn’t to say I don’t still believe she can learn anything and everything given time. This is just to say that grade labels mean so little when it comes to children who don’t fit what is “typical,” those children whose developmental map is uncharted. When she was an infant and diagnosed as “failure to thrive” she was below the graphed chart for weight. I like to think she is off the charts. So let’s not try to chart where she is or where she will go, because we just don’t know. All we can do is follow and celebrate where we are. I have to remind myself of this, lest I fall into some trap of thinking she should be other than she is based on some label of where she is (but isn’t really) in school. Where is she? Her teachers, parents, and helpers know. But that label of “fifth grade” doesn’t know and doesn’t tell you anything. Who she really is isn’t pictured by a label or a fleeting moment in a restaurant. I suppose the same could be true of all of us in different ways with different labels, though some labels work as indicators while others don’t. Anyway, I hope through my words over the years you can see the full picture.
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