June 16

Amy is now a rising third-grader. This is the first time we have a third grader in the house since Sarah skipped third grade to make it possible for her to finish high school, given how much I adjusted her schooling situation in the early years (she was in preschool through age 8 because that is what felt appropriate). For Amy’s final week of school the kids could dress up according to a different theme each day. She had a great time with Fashion Disaster day and she was a gymnast for Athlete day. There were many deep and desperate tears on Superhero day, until Carl saved the day with some tape to turn a Batman cape into a plain black cape suitable for Cat Girl. She loved being a pirate cat for Dress Like A Pirate day, and Sarah had fun trying on costumes for that too.

Friday was Kennywood day for Amy’s school. Overall the experience was good, but as usual it wasn’t without its challenges. Sarah is not yet skilled with attending to her personal safety when crossing a street or navigating a parking lot. As we were getting ourselves assembled after parking, Sarah was walking backwards in the lot, not listening to us as we told her not to. She started screaming as we tried to rein her in to a safer area closer to our car. Amy and I went ahead while Carl stayed with a screaming Sarah in the car. Eventually they were able to come join us. Carl created a wonderful game where she had to point to all of the moving cars that she could see. Sometimes he would just tell her that there was one and then she had to find it. As with so many parenting moments, I am in awe of Carl’s patience and creativity. Sometimes I have those attributes too and sometimes I really don't. It is a relief to be able to walk away, especially when my presence sometimes makes things worse. I have long known that going to amusement parks requires two grown-ups and there were many moments that proved this point. There were also easy times where Sarah played happily in the sand or stood in line by herself for a ride, getting on and off without help. She rode the kiddie roller coaster and the car-driving-on-a-track thing. The car ride is her favorite and twice she stood in line patiently only to have the ride break when it was almost her turn. She handled those moments with remarkable calm. Finally, it was working and she got to have one turn before we left. Amy was delighted to spend most of her time with her best friend who was also there for the day, though that also made it harder for Amy to leave when it was time to go.

A shout-out to Amy for keeping herself and Sarah safe in another parking area when we were going to a little beach. The girls were heading down as we gathered our beach bags. I hadn’t yet even seen the car that Amy noticed, as she held Sarah’s hand and successfully told Sarah to wait. 

This morning Sarah had a big upset as I was hanging laundry to dry because she saw my new black and white striped swimsuit, which she wants for herself. I told her she couldn’t wear it. She screamed and banged things for many minutes. I was thinking how frustrating and deafening this tantrum was. Then I shifted my perspective just a tiny tiny tiny bit to thinking of this as a session where she needed to clear feelings. It still wasn’t my favorite moment, but instead of feeling like a martyred parent who will have to endure such outbursts for eternity, I felt like these moments could be productive, just like my crying times help me feel clearer and better. I know I have had these revelations many times and I’m sure I will have more. It comes down to trusting, believing, and hoping that our future together can be easier, that she can respect my clothing-sharing boundaries, and that she can learn to channel her upset in a way that isn’t destructive. Please remind me of my insight later in the day when it may have escaped me again!

Happy Father’s Day to my three fathers and to Carl and to all who parent and support anyone or anything in some way. Support in all ways helps and matters. You might not even know what a difference you make. But you do make a difference. So thanks.