November 5

On Halloween the girls were super excited all day about going trick-or-treating. I had loads of stuff ready to trade for whatever Sarah brought home. There was a ton from school, most of which she couldn’t have so I swapped it and re-gifted it to trick-or-treaters. Getting ready involved some yelling by the ladies of the house. Any endeavor involving time and kids not listening to me and wrestling with each other when one doesn’t want to wrestle is not the scenario that shows off my best qualities. Still, we made it. We were all dressed and ready by the designated start of trick-or-treating. I stayed outside for a while to hand out treats but then decided it was too cold and I could just be inside and take off my big shoes. At precisely that moment I was informed that Sarah was coming home and was done with trick-or-treating. She was eager to have a treat. I swapped goods and let her have two treats. Then she wanted to go back out! By that time Carl and Amy were far afield, relatively speaking. Sarah, by her own admission, is no good at waiting. There was lots of screaming and crying. I was gruff. When Carl returned he took Sarah out again and Amy stayed home to have some of her treats. Then Amy helped hand out our little bags of Bunny Grahams to the kids who came to the door. Amy was the most earnest hander-outer I have ever seen. My heart just about couldn’t handle the strain of adorableness as she sat on the top step on the porch just waiting, packet of grahams in her hand.  The thing I am most proud of in the whole evening was noticing when I was starting to label myself as the worst mother ever because of how grumpy and gruff I had been with Sarah. The thing is, to follow such moments with beating up on myself doesn’t actually help matters at all. Neither does being grumpy-gruff but let’s keep it to one emotional u-turn at a time. I felt good that I regrouped and gave the girls snuggles and apologized for being on the wrong ball (that is what we say when one has been in a foul mood). They snuggled back and we were all in good shape together. I realized again that I don’t need to be the perfect never-yelling mom. I just need to show them that it is ok for a person to have emotions and that I still love them and the world is still ok. This is good because I don’t expect to become the perfect mom anytime soon so it is a relief that apparently good-enough might actually be good-enough. And, while I have not yet not yelled in certain moments, I do have a different voice in the back of my head occasionally pointing out that when I yell I really don’t at all get what I want and it is not serving my purpose. (but are you sure? maybe if I just try it one more time…)

About a week ago I backed off my headache medicine another notch. By now my body is at the new level. I am having some stronger whispers, which is good or bad depending on how you look at it. Through the lens of fear, then ACK!!!! Through the lens of love and hope, then this is good information about what I am doing with my body. During my Jenny-Rise time on Tuesday I felt like I began the time all tight everywhere and by the end I could breathe again. I also was aware that my right shoulder blade on the outside edge is where I have some control battles with myself. While J held his hands there I could witness my muscles having a conversation about what to control and what to let go and when. It is so exciting and humbling to continually discover how much my thoughts are expressed through my muscles. After my session on Thursday the whispers have been very wispy and almost not there. Until this morning when I was thinking about all of the various food things I have committed to and trying think about how to be organized and what to actually make. Voila. WHISPER of a headache to a notable degree. This is so wonderful to notice the immediate correlation between my thinking, planning, and being organized and my headaches. I think I can still be organized, but I do need to be careful about when my thinking is actually productive and when it might be harmful.

There was another moment of learning. After Thursday’s Jenny-Rise session I felt so deeply good, calm, and healthy that I absolutely was not tempted by the small pile of Halloween candy for the grown-ups. Then something happened Friday afternoon where I was hungry at the same moment I felt a tiny bit grumpy so I reached for one piece. I know already that crap chocolate makes me sneeze. This time the correlation of my feeling worse physically and emotionally was so obvious I couldn’t possibly ignore it. I also yelled at my kids more loudly afterwards than I had in the previous 24 hours. Hmm. Embarrassing to notice and admit but freeing for my future self. No more crap chocolate. Because, you see, if I eat the stuff that I make then I don’t feel sick and I’m not extra grumpy. Problem solved.

Thursday night I witnessed the beautiful parenting art that is Carl. I love these small moments so hugely. He was encouraging the girls to get ready for bed and they were being slightly recalcitrant. He started singing the Boyton “pajama time” song but with a few different words. This evolved to everyone adding different things that were wearing pajamas. It was word association at its finest. I loved getting a window into how the girls think. I love that in this house when someone says “pajamas on a forehead” it is followed by the actual chin press and “pajamas on a chin press.” I love how Carl can take moments where something needs to happen and use play to achieve the desired goal. He does it so calmly, easily, and truly.

Sarah loves pretending to be a t-rex attacking Carl. Amy often joins in too. This morning he said the t-rex had cold claws. Then Sarah started pretending to be a sticky eyeball that she got for Halloween. She pretended to stick to Carl. There was much snuggling and laughter by all. And then I had two kids clambering on me and realized that while part of me loved it, there was all sorts of bracing and tension going on in my body to help protect myself from unintended injury. It is so good to notice because then I can let it go more quickly. 

My SR time had lots more kisses and I love you’s and snuggles. I love that this is our new thing. I felt like we just really had an easy time being together overall, including when we were both snapping and unsnapping a pair of tear-away pants that have snaps for the entire length of the legs. It had been a while since I joined her in an ism. It is such a nice experience.

During Sc’s SR time, Sarah went to read the words on her Klean Kantine bottle. What she came up with was “Clinton Kaine.” I like the way her brain works! (Remember to vote on Tuesday if you have not already!)

Sarah has been reading out loud from Owl Moon, by Jane Yolen, and We Had a Plan, written by Carl Wellington and illustrated by Jenny Briggs, much more than I have heard her doing in the past. She knows both books by heart, but she was still following along with the printed words or at least using what she saw to cue her memory.

Sarah did beautifully on her spelling test at school! She got all of the words right! These are simple 2 and 3 letter words. Still. Still. How incredible to be at this moment now.

I have started the wheels in motion (ahem) to get Sarah on a bus to and from school. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This feels scary. Exciting too. This will mean she probably has to be ready 15 min earlier in the morning, so that part is no picnic, but it means that Amy and I don’t have to be as hurried. It also means that in theory I could see more clients or teach an afternoon class. So far I have only been able to teach the afternoon classes where it is ok if I show up over an hour late. To teach would still mean getting a sitter but that is much easier than arranging to have someone go get Sarah from school. This means she won’t get her preferred tunes to and from school or the snack she eats on the way home, but I’m assuming she can survive that. I feel like we have graduated to the next level. 

When something is exquisite I want to revel in it and enjoy it as much and as often as possible. Why not? Life is limited. Let's fill up. This means two Jenny-rise sessions per week when scheduling allows. This means snuggling with Carl and laughing together while eating delicious food, whether gourmet or pizza or the best coconut cake from the co-op. This means getting my favorite eclair. This means reading for fun and listening to music of my choice as often as I am on my own (I give the kids preference in general when they are around). This means going to a bakery with Amy when she has an early dismissal. This means taking the time to walk, to breathe, to do constructive rest or stretching, to sit in my fairy glen, to revel in being alive. I want to fill up my soul with the exquisiteness of the people in my life. My life is overwhelmingly abundantly full of amazing people. How did I ever get so blessed?

I hope you all may find some exquisiteness in which to revel.