November 26

One of Sarah’s teachers told me that Sarah spontaneously came over and kissed her on the head. The teacher said her heart just overflowed.

Amy saved Thanksgiving. I seem to have a thing with turkeys. A few years ago I ordered two heritage turkeys. My turkeys arrived in a brown box with no instructions to open immediately. I put it to the side with some other boxes that I knew were early Christmas presents. And by “to the side” I mean next to the radiator. After a couple days I opened the box and realized my error. Luckily the turkeys had been frozen and inside styrofoam so they were actually still ok, as if they had been in the fridge because they had defrosted to that point. When I complained to the company about their lack of a large label they said I was the first person to ever not open the box right away. Well then. This year I picked up the turkey on Tuesday from a farm-share coordinator. Tuesday was a go go go day from start to finish. Got the kids to school, taught, got the turkey, put the turkey in the trunk, got Sarah from school, zoomed to vision therapy, zoomed to get Amy, went home for them to relax while I got ready for the next day and for my second round of teaching. Luckily Amy happened to ask me how many turkeys I got this year. ACK! Turkey in the trunk!!! Luckily it was still cold and had only leaked a little blood into my car and onto my kitchen floor. Next year maybe I won’t pre-order a turkey from anyone but will go to a store and go directly home without any distractions.

Vision therapy went well enough but I think we may need a different time slot than immediately after school. Firstly, I am stressed to get there on time and then we must leave exactly on time to get Amy. Secondly, Sarah was screaming in protest when we arrived. Sarah’s equilibrium returned when she had a surprise snack of bunny grahams (no other snacks that were offered were considered and she didn’t even know I had the bunnies). She asked repeatedly to go home. She used the potty twice in the 50 minutes we were there. She also played with some toys and did a few things that the therapist set up for her. We have things we can do at home. So I think it went well but I hope I can help it go more smoothly in the future.

Amy sang a song about how much she loves Sarah. One line included “Sarah, you’re the best in the family.” This morning Amy sighed contentedly while saying, “I love you, Mom. And I love Sarah even more.” Carl and I know where we stand! Actually, I think Amy’s heart just overflows with love for lots of people. What two little sweethearts I live with! Sometimes whiny, messy, and obnoxious, but loving sweethearts just the same. 

Sarah asked Carl what he was thankful for. I know that is a question we had been asking and maybe was asked at school, but the fact that she could whip it out spontaneously, appropriately, clearly, and fully is something I am grateful for!

My headache beast is stalking, circling, assessing. I still think I can manage. The whispers don’t go beyond a level 1 and they don’t last for more than about 10 or 20 minutes. The more relaxed I can be the more easily I can let go of the beast. I am still on a bit of medication but it is the lowest dose. I don’t want to increase it. Neither am I ready to go all the way off. Probably not until the holiday season is over. One’s first mountain should not be Everest. With every Jenny-Rise session I get clearer about which specific areas to remember when I am going through noting every taut fraughtness and encouraging ease. It is almost like mapping out which cells to speak to. Last week some of the massage work was around my eye, as close as one could be to my eyeball. There was one little spot that referred to the knife that I feel when I have a headache. So now when I feel a whisper I go to those cells around my eye in that one spot and remind them to sit down and rest. I never thought I would daydream about someone basically sticking their finger in my eye, but here I am doing just that.

While postponing cleaning and cooking on Wednesday, I wrote these poems. My head really hasn’t been bad, but some whispers have been strong enough to inspire these feelings. 

the beast roars with silent teeth

to puncture from the inside

tearing pressing pushing bruising

mouth tightly tautly open wide

panic fills my head, my soul

i cannot fully breathe

I cannot do this one more time

i’m slipping underneath 

a gentle hand tames the beast

holds my fear, looks in my eye

finds the locks and every key

wipes my tears while I cry

I climb slowly, steadily

wrestling my shell

silently praying

grasping upwards out of hell

Those hands again

it will be alright

i’ll make it through,

and sleep sweet sleep tonight.

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I am stalked by a silent beast

shadowing my every move

then disappearing so fully 

i wonder that it was ever there

then it clamps down again

teeth gently sharp and waiting

the less i breathe the sharper they are

the beast is me

it is in how I move and live 

i have to love it into oblivion

running makes it stronger

like trying to outrun a bee

it gets caught in my windstream and we cannot part

I have to be so still

so calm

so unhurried

impossibly unbusy

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Happy Thanksgiving. I love you all (and I love Sarah even more!) I send you kisses on your heads.