December 19

The day after I sent my last update I did receive an email from my crush school explaining a little bit more. Apparently their actions were in response to how much they thought I was clear that I didn’t want Sarah to have a helper. While it is true I hoped and thought she might not need one, I still think it would have been nice for their first move to have been asking me if I was sure about that. I do feel at peace about the situation at the moment though.

You may remember that there was one more private school for me to visit in case it would be a good fit for Sarah for next year. It was a lovely place and I’m sure it is perfect for some people. It would not be perfect for Sarah. It would be too easy for her to leave given her love of stairs and doors and that they can’t constantly monitor the entrance/exit or her. 

I have emailed one of my public school contacts about what our next steps should be to reenter the district (since we are in the homeschooling division at the moment) and what we need to do to get her reevaluated. I haven’t heard back but I won’t email again until January. Carl made some good points about how just because we are moving to enroll her in the same type of class that she would have been in before we did Sarah-Rise, it doesn’t mean that Sarah is the same as if we hadn’t done our program. Written out or stated this is obvious but in my head/heart it wasn’t quite clear. 

Sarah has had long hair for a while and she has protested about getting her hair washed, brushed, and ponytailed. Whenever I would ask if she wanted it cut short or to keep it long she would say she wanted it to be long. Apparently she always told Sonia she wanted it cut. This week she told us both she wanted it cut so we took her to a hair salon. She had enough to donate so we did that. Then we went to a coffee shop and got juice and organic fruit pouches that Sarah could have! 

One night I was fixing dinner and I told Sarah she could tell Amy that dinner was ready. Sarah promptly ran upstairs calling, “Amy… dinner is ready.” This is new. This is awesome. 

Carl has specialized in giving the girls cat rides when it is time to go to bed. He pretends to be a cat while they ride piggie-back (cat-back). When that option wasn’t available I offered mom-cat-snuggle rides. I carry them in my arms, meowing and purring and nudging my head against theirs. A couple of times during these rides Sarah has said, “I love you so much.” I don’t know if this is what she wants to tell me or if she is saying what she expects me to say to her, because I often do. Either way, I’ll take it! Amy often also says “Mom, I love you” and that I know is intended for me. Melt, melt. Purr, purr.

In my contemplations of life, death, time, and memory, I have realized that there are things about life at the moment that I won’t remember in the future. I no longer remember the details of particular high school homework that might have seemed all-important and stressful at the time. I no longer remember specific moments of hurrying out the door to pre-school a few years ago. Sure, I know I did stress about it and rush people, but the actual details are gone. This means that I can actually perhaps relax more in the moment now. Because I won’t remember the details later. I will probably remember an overall sense of stress or ease and I would like to cultivate a memory of ease. In many small moments this week this has helped me be more relaxed, whether it is about leaving on time, being with the girls in a moment of their distress or play, or spending extra cuddle time rather than doing some items on my to-do list. In a month or a year I won’t remember whether I cooked the fish on the day I meant to, but I hope to remember a general feeling of easy connectedness with my loved ones.

I won’t write an update next week due to the holiday extravaganzas about to ensue. May you all have a wonderful couple of weeks.