October 6

Sometimes the veil between feeling totally amazing and feeling like crying seems very thin. I am rather fascinated by this and I think it points out to some degree how much things are a choice. And it also points out how maybe I am still not quite looking at some feelings that lurk under the surface. Because, hey, when things are feeling good, I want to roll with it and magnify it and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with crying either, it is just that usually I know when I am carrying tears and this week I have been more surprised by them. They seem to show themselves most when I feel I may have done something wrong. Usually something tiny and inconsequential, but it mars my striving for perfection. AFOG, as my mother would say. Another F*ing Opportunity for Growth. (this could also be some new response to my starting Verapamil again to avoid cluster headaches, which were starting to send out their warning tendrils)

Anywho, I actually have been feeling really happy most of the time. I'm also ramping our program back up a tiny bit. September was a hiatus of necessity. Now I am doing more SR hours and realizing that Sonia and I need regularly scheduled time together without children to meet and evaluate where we are and where we want to be going (with Sarah). We now have that in place. 

For our field trip we went to Beechwood Farms, which is part of the Audubon Society. It is nearby, quiet, beautiful, free, and has a wonderful area for kids to climb and explore. The girls loved it. At the beginning they held hands while walking around. I have no idea who initiated it but it melted my heart.

Sarah has been getting quite creative with the music movements. She experiments with different ways of doing the moves, such as crawling while running, hopping, skating, etc. She is getting stronger and more graceful. Some of her motions look like yoga moves (cobra). Sometimes she does the clapping or arm swinging while lying on her belly. She has also started requesting that I do Becky's program and it has worked the past two days to do so without shutting us into the family room.

Sarah had a dentist appointment this week and it was the first time I took her to my dentist instead of a pediatric one. She is always amazing with all sorts of appointments and procedures and this time was no different. The part that I was most thrilled about was how wonderful the dentist and hygienist were, especially the latter. She was phenomenal in taking her time, allowing Sarah to have breaks, explaining what was going to happen next, and giving Sarah time to answer questions. 

I've been thinking about what a gift Amy is in terms of Sarah-Rise. She is the embodiment of acceptance, love, and delight. Sure, the girls fight, but that is important too. Amy can help Sarah with social interactions (with our help) in a way that we couldn't on our own. She invites Sarah to play with no doubt, just her wanting to play. Sometimes she doesn't ask, she just begins the activity. She throws a ball at Sarah or she squirts Sarah with water in the tub. Sarah loved being squirted and she did play ball a tiny bit! When Sarah says a line from a book that she loves or describes what she is doing (eg. jumping on the bed or sitting in the dark), Amy has a way of picking up the line with enthusiasm that bursts out of every pore. I bow down to her embodied joy. Sarah can totally rock interactions with adults, but she still needs help where other kids are concerned. Amy is the first step. She is familiar, safe, and probably as predictable as a kid could be. Not that Amy is necessarily predictable, but Sarah knows her well enough that it is probably easier to take her in without it being overwhelming or overly exciting.