December 2

This week we got 25 hours. I had been so sure that once Sonia was here we would easily get 30 hours or more. The thing is, there are always days that volunteers can't come or that Sonia or I don't get our full time in. The reasons are always good reasons. And I still have feelings of disappointment in myself for not making it to 30 hours. If I was coaching a volunteer about this I would remind them to celebrate what did happen and that wanting more time is great. It's the needing more hours before I let myself feel good about the accomplishment that is resulting in my frustration. Or maybe I'm using the frustration to motivate myself to get in more time. And yet, if there is ever a time of year to be flexible and allow for other things too it is now. Not only will some of my volunteers be away for the holidays but I also need to finish some classes for my massage license renewal. Never mind Christmas prep! And we are organizing ourselves to start the GAPS diet in January, at least for Sarah and maybe for all of us. That takes research and planning and making new foods. Plus, the week of Dec 9 Sonia will be going to Option to take the Son-Rise start-up class. This will help boost our program even more, though the week itself will have fewer official SR hours. And Sarah is continuing to progress so maybe I could truly let go and be gentle with myself about not meeting my goal.  

What am I afraid would happen if I was totally happy with the amount of hours? People might think I was getting complacent. I might not try harder in January. Do I believe either statement? Not really. Yet it feels sort of like letting go of a security blanket (or banklet as Sarah would say) to let myself be freely happy and judgment free. I think there is another level of judgment. Given that I was getting some of these tallies before having full time help, what is wrong with me that I'm not getting more now? How many other parents get
more hours but don't have full-time help? The part that I'm maybe not crediting is that I am more relaxed and the kids get better care and attention throughout the day than they did before Sonia arrived. I get more time one-on-one with Amy. I am more effective at observing and giving feedback to my team and at preparing for team meetings. I am getting to some home projects that I haven't been doing before and that are important, like covering some exposed lead paint.

Our goal for the past few weeks was to model and encourage saying hi/bye. I feel like Sarah responds more to prompts for these and is doing them maybe a bit more often spontaneously. It is still a goal for the next few weeks as well.

I have been asking Sarah for two weeks if I could trim her hair or take her to get a haircut. The answer was always clearly no. This week I got my hair cut and the next day Sarah asked for a haircut and was quite cooperative with the drive (45 min each way for the person I like the most) and the ten minute trim.

This felt like a more rambling update than some. Thanks for listening. It help to have witnesses as I figure things out.