February 24

We had some big moments yesterday. Sarah didn’t want to get out of bed to go to gymnastics. I stayed calm. I figured out a way to have us in harmonious energy instead of combative energy. We went to gymnastics and I didn’t struggle as much as usual. The biggest deal, though, was that we were a little late and I was relaxed and the world did not end.

When Sarah and I are arguing about something she will often say, “Ok, fine!…” but then she fills in the rest of the sentence with the thing she wants. Even though this comes during frustrating moments, it is still hilarious. I keep trying to explain that when you say “ok, fine!” you then say the thing that the other person wants. 

We had a Sarah-Rise team meeting for the first time in an extremely long time. We are a small team now, with just Carl, G, Sc, and me. I expected us to talk about how to help her focus on academics or at school better. What we actually talked about was so much better and will probably impact school and academics too. Mainly we talked about the moments when Sarah is resisting us about something, usually when it is time to go somewhere, and she just gets stuck in place and is spitting/giggling/screaming/putting her hand in her mouth and seems to be unreachable. Those are the moments when I can feel the most panicked that I am in some way losing her. I have been so frustrated myself that I was seeing Sarah as being bad, despite my mom’s reminders that she wasn’t/isn’t. G said it sounded like Sarah was in super fight/flight/freeze mode and that her system was in full panic mode. Oh. Oh my goodness. Oh my poor little Sarah. How did I not see that?! Sc wondered if there could be any relation to Sarah’s seizures or the anti-seizure medication. I have sent a message to Sarah’s neurologist asking this and I sent a message to Sarah’s teacher to see if anything of the kind happens at school. These stuck moments aren’t something that Sc or G experience because when they are with Sarah it is in the SR room, when there is basically no pressure on Sarah to do anything she doesn’t want to do. It was immensely helpful to describe our experiences to them and have such loving, compassionate, insightful listening and problem-solving. G and Sc are so deeply, phenomenally amazing that I still can’t quite believe our good fortune of having them in our lives. Now our focus can be on helping Sarah’s nervous system calm down, which also means helping my own system calm down. One strategy is to play music that will help one or both of us feel calmer. Yesterday I played music when we were both getting mad and it did help. I am also aiming to have more moments of meditation, self-Reiki sessions, or Alexander Technique constructive rest for myself. The first step in helping Sarah’s system be calm is making sure that my system is calm.

Sarah was sick Sunday night and then for the whole week. It was just a cold, but it was enough of one to keep her home from school most days. It was also enough that I went into hyper-vigilant panic mode for two of the nights, flying out of bed at the slightest sound and panicking that she would have a seizure and that somehow that would equal death. I could rationalize that she was ok and would be ok, but I couldn’t seem to stem the tide of adrenaline coursing through my body. I have read that parents of kids with autism or other special needs can essentially have a form of PTSD. This seems quite plausible. During the SR team meeting, we also realized that Sarah may have some PTSD from her various times in the hospital, especially when she had to be held down for the EEG wire placement while she was screaming and fighting it for all she was worth. She probably also absorbed panic from me during her birth because I was so terrified that I wouldn’t have an alive baby. So. With this perspective coupled with the fight/flight/freeze insight, I have a new vision of my dear, sweet Sarah. I have a new approach. It isn’t perfectly impervious to her temper or her ignoring what I say, but it does help me become kinder, more playful, softer, and more creative about how to be with her. The plus side of her being home sick for much of the week was that we got a lot of snuggle time. My favorite moments were those spent in my bed, with each of us reading our own book. She would pause periodically to say how much she enjoyed reading together! Me too!! We had many moments of calling each other by her new favorite pairing of names, which are those of her great aunt J and uncle T. Saying those names can help her change her energy to sparkly connection instead of resisting. It can become wearisome because of the frequency, except when I remind myself that it helps calm her system and helps us connect. 

Thursday morning, Sarah needed to be home from school but I needed to teach so Sarah helped Grandma paint a fireplace. Sarah loves wearing other people’s clothing so it was perfect for her to wear some of Grandma’s clothes for painting. She looked like a miniature version of Grandma, complete with a handkerchief on her head. 

Amy moved up a level in gymnastics! It wasn’t on my radar as a possibility at all, but starting in two weeks she will be in the intermediate class instead of the beginner class. This is wonderful and exciting and will also mean gymnastics takes 2 1/2 hours of our day instead of 1 because the girls won’t have their classes at the same time anymore. We also have to be more careful not to have two absences in a row.

May you all have people to listen to your experiences with love, insight, and wisdom.

February 17

Sometimes things work out better than you could imagine. The girls had their first ski lessons for downhill skiing today. The most amazing thing was that Sarah’s instructor is a teen leader with the Friendship Circle, an organization that works with kids with special needs. Seriously. How did we get so lucky?! Amy’s teacher was also a good match for her. The lessons were individual and each girl did beautifully. Amy was going down the bunny slope on her own by the end. Sarah went down with help but as a single smooth ride (by the end). What also amazed me about the whole thing was that we had no hesitation about Sarah’s ability to handle such a challenge and have a private lesson (no parents allowed). We have really come a long way from all of the things that used to seem impossible (walking, talking, eating). Now I just need to remember that our current challenges (screaming, resisting, spitting, etc) are just as surmountable. Every single challenge has at one time truly seemed questionably attainable or laughably unattainable, until the challenge had passed. I can bog down in current tough moments when I think they won’t ever change. But why won’t they? Doesn’t all evidence point to change and growth and possibility? Isn’t Sarah’s passionate stubbornness actually part of why she can do things? Even if it seems to get in my way now because I want my passionate stubbornness to win?

Sarah has a new swim instructor and I feel like it will be a good match. All of her teachers have been fine but some of them clearly are able to delight in her while requesting the right level of challenge. This new one seems to have the possibility of delighting in her. I hope so. For all of the times I may be frustrated and not find delight, I still want everyone else in her life to delight in her spunky self. 

Valentine’s Day went well. It is a huge holiday in our household because what is not to love about hearts and flowers and chocolate and making art? So that Carl and I could go out, I arranged for one of the girls’ favorite people in the universe to come over for a special Valentine’s Day party. I decorated with streamers and flowers. I surprised them with heart umbrellas and little nail polish kits. They ate tomato soup and heart-shaped toast. They had chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. Apparently they did their nails while listening to songs from “Annie.” Carl and I had a very mediocre dinner but we did enjoy walking 90 minutes home. We could have gotten a ride but we didn’t want to get home too soon! We knew there was a fun party and we didn’t want to get in the way. 

Thursday also had some kerfluffle due to the morning being slightly different than usual because of Valentine’s Day. I forgot Sarah’s anti-seizure meds. Due to various other factors, the earliest I could go out to her school was 1pm. Unfortunately when I got there I discovered that I didn’t have enough for a full dose, not by a long shot. Sigh. There wasn’t time to go home and back again. Then her bus was over 30 minutes late! So her first dose was quite late. It seems to have all been ok, but what a day!

May things work out better than you hope or expect. 

February 10

I feel like I could write two entirely different updates with entirely different perspectives. Maybe that is always the case with all of life. 

There have been many moments that have been sooooooo hard and I have felt so done, tired, weary, scared, despairing, and at my wit’s end for what to do. It is disheartening to feel like I will have moments every day for the rest of my life with Sarah screaming and/or refusing to move. (I realize it might not actually be that way forever.) Sometimes it is like she suddenly becomes a different person, switching from easy-going to stubborn fighting with no warning of the switch. We had two mornings where she was unusually cooperative with coming down to breakfast and even snuggled on my lap as she ate. Then as soon as I said it was time to go get dressed, she instantly changed to fighting some part of that. (Often she doesn’t fight it.) One morning she was so determined to wear shorts that she was licking them, somehow thinking that made them hers to wear. At my mom’s suggestion, I have started waking us up ten minutes earlier to give us extra wiggle room. This does help, but depending on how many sticky moments we have, we might still be hurrying to put on shoes while the bus waits. Do I need to get us up half an hour earlier? I could try that, but that means 5am, and getting enough sleep is also an important part of things flowing easily. You probably also all heard Sarah’s screaming on Friday when our internet didn’t work so she couldn’t watch a show. Her upset seemed way out of proportion to the problem, even for her. Then again, we all have things like that sometimes in our lives. There are times when she seems unreachable and that is when I get scared. I know that can be part of autism, but she is so often still reachable, that I can feel desperate and despairing and scared when I can’t reach her. 

It is useful to hear myself say I’m at my wit’s end. That always seems like a challenge. Really? Am I really out of ideas and resources? Of course not!! But maybe I need to return to basics and remember the key aspects of Son-Rise. I need to wait for Sarah to be ready to connect. If it is an ism that I can join (rather than one I really don’t want her to do, such as spitting), then I should join. I did that briefly yesterday and she did instantly connect to me. It was still within an ism, but it was an ism that included me and Sarah had a sparkle in her eye. 

I don’t know what more to do when Sarah is totally unmoving when we need to go somewhere. Do I sit next to her and not move? Maybe. But it is an important skill to be able to leave a place when it is time to leave. When Sarah was younger I could just pick her up, but now that is not really an option unless it is an emergency. I hate these moments. They happen at least once or twice a day on most days. I am tired of them. I don’t know what to do. I wish they would stop. 

Honestly, perhaps a large part of my difficulty at the moment (and for the past while) is that I’m fighting the truth of the situation. I put in sooooooo much time and work and love and creativity into getting Sarah where she is now. So much. As did so many other people. And now I feel like that should have been enough and I should be able to coast, thank you very much! But I can’t coast. So I’m being just as reticent as Sarah when she doesn’t move even when it is time to go. It is time to go, to up my creativity and plans, and I’m here essentially protesting that my pajamas are comfy and I would rather not change what I’m doing. ARGH!!!! So humbling to see when I am exactly the same as Sarah, just in a different format.

Now for the flip side of the update. There were some heart-warming, wonderful moments.  

One afternoon I left Sarah on her own for a little longer than I maybe should have. She came downstairs and asked if I liked her nails. She had reached the nail polish that I thought was out of reach and put it on her toenails and fingernails. I’m impressed with how well she did overall. Unfortunately, my bathroom rug now has some traces of pink. I don’t want her doing such things without asking me first. However, it really was impressive that she even thought about doing it and then did all the steps necessary to do it. She even told me she was helpful for doing it! She sang an adapted Daniel Tiger song, “It’s ok to wear nail polish, it’s not ok to hurt someone.” Indeed.  

There will be a sock hop soon for Sarah’s class. Another parent found a pink jacket from a Grease costume and it happens to have Sarah's name on it. A few girls invited her to be part of their Pink Ladies group. They sent home nail polish (this was after the nail polish fiasco) and cats-eye glasses for her with a handwritten invitation from one of the girls to Sarah. This is so sweet. This is why I love her school. I thought I found a perfect outfit for her (plaid capri leggings and a cute white blouse with poof sleeves that have a stripe around them) and a plaid dress as the backup option. It turns out she wants nothing to do with my perfect outfit, but she loves the dress. She also has a knit hat that someone made for students of the St. Anthony’s program. She loves wearing it and she looks super adorable. In a week with challenges, it helps to have her looking super adorable. 

Amy had her 100th day of school and went all out with covering her shirt with 100 stickers and her pants with 100 stickers and stacking 100 blocks.

May you have adorableness and hope even if things feel really hard.

February 3

Amy didn’t have school Monday and Tuesday for teacher in-service days. Wednesday and Thursday both girls had off from school due to the extreme cold. Friday they had snow days, though the announcements arrive until I already woke everyone at our usual early time. 

Amy got a palate expander Wednesday morning and was very much a poor sweet baby for a few days. Her mouth hurt and she felt like she could hardly eat anything because all food gets caught between the roof of her mouth and the expander. It is better now, though her eating is still limited in range. She was also sick with a cough. For Sarah’s birthday dinner at a restaurant, Amy spent almost the whole time just trying to fold herself into my side. Sarah had a great time and was in sparklier, happier energy than she had been for a few hours leading up to the dinner.

One day Sarah was determined to go on a trip. She started making a pile of things to take on the trip. When it seemed like she was done, I put those things away. She got them out again. Then she took my purse down, found my keys, and put her backpack in the trunk of the car! Another time she wanted to go outside and said she would look both ways. This was a warning flag about her intended activity because the normal limits for playing out front do not involve crossing any streets. I asked if she could stay in the normal limits. She wouldn’t guarantee it. So I blocked the door and wouldn’t let her out. She is really into pretending to go places with her great aunt and uncle (J. and T.), especially going to church with them. I’m not sure where this came from except that in one of our photo books there is a picture of her great aunt wearing a leopard print dress and Sarah loves this dress. She now almost always addresses Carl as J. or T. because she wants him to pretend to be one of these people. Sometimes she pretends to be the other. She put on one of Carl’s button-down work shirts and pretended to be T. This is all fine unless it means she will leave the house on her own and try to walk to a church! 

Sarah is now 12. It hasn’t been the smoothest week. Not the roughest. About normal. But I have been in a mode where I felt annoyed by many of her routine things that she says or does. Then I felt bad for being annoyed. Then I felt more annoyed. So while the week has been generally easy, cozy, and slow, it has also been a bit difficult.

Yesterday we went to a party to celebrate Imbolc, the day in the middle of the winter solstice and the spring equinox. The party involved a bonfire and good food. We all loved it. Sarah loved tossing little bits of wood into the fire. 

Since Sarah seems to continue to handle baked dairy, she is keen on getting to Dunkin’ Donuts. We passed one on the way to the party. She wanted to go. I said no, but that at some point we could go. Since we usually go to Starbucks for snacks after they get their hair cut, I said that maybe the next time they got hair cuts we could go to Dunkin’ Donuts. She promptly said, “Oh! My hair is getting long!” It actually is, so we may go for a bang trim today. On the drive home from the party the girls sang a duet about getting donuts: “We’re going to donut land, we’re going to donut land, we’re going to donut land tomorrow!”

Wishing you easy and delicious eating.

January 27

There were a couple of moments this week with Sarah not moving when I wanted her to move. It was as if she was a stubborn mule stuck in some mud. The most frustrating of these moments was when I was in a hurry. Kids can smell hurry the way animals smell fear. So it wasn’t the best moment for either of us, especially when we were finally on our way to get Amy but still haltingly and slowly. I yelled loudly. Then I looked over and noticed my friend on his way to get his daughter, who is Amy’s best friend. I felt a bit embarrassed to be observed so much at my limit. The wonderful thing was that my friend just came over to join us, offered to share his clementine, and walked with us the rest of the way, listening to me vent, with no judgement. That was very kind and very helpful and I hope I can do the same for someone someday. I think for future moments when Sarah and I get so stuck I really need to force myself to go elsewhere until both of us can change our energies. The tricky thing with this is that usually time is exactly what we don’t have. Except maybe we do. I know that time, being on time, not wanting to be late, etc is one of my big challenges for keeping my equilibrium, so probably there is much more flexibility than I perceive in most of these situations.

This coming Thursday is Sarah’s 12th birthday. Her party was yesterday at a bowling alley and it was a success. Sonia, Grandma, and Grandpa were there to celebrate and were also a huge help. Sarah loved the bowling part so much that she was extremely upset when it was time to eat and play arcade games. She ended up screaming and crying on the floor for a bit. The room was just for her party and I knew that everyone in attendance knows Sarah pretty well or has a child who might have a similar moment, so that was ok, and she did end up enjoying the rest of the party too. 

Sarah had been asking for a Rizzo the Rat cake and I had no idea how to make that happen. Saturday morning I was inspired to use part of a cake that Sarah made on Friday (no recipe, just some guidance from me) and the cake and cupcakes that I made to assemble a Rizzo head and part of his body. Previously I thought I would have to draw him and I didn’t anticipate success. Making a large Rizzo with cake pieces worked beautifully and she loved it. He had a yellow sweater with lifesaver buttons. His eyes were chocolate covered almonds. Cupcakes served as ears. I cut a triangle out of one cake to put on top of the full circle cake that was his face so that his nose was above the rest of his face. 

I was impressed with the thoughtfulness of some of the presents Sarah received. They were items that I wouldn’t have thought to get even if I had seen them, and yet she loves them. She got a sequin drawing board where you flip sequins over to change the color. She spent hours playing with it. She also got a Cabbage Patch baby doll. When she opened it, Carl laughed at how excited I was. I used to have one when I was little, though mine was slightly different. Still, it is adorable and Sarah has taken to it way more than I ever would have predicted. She carries it around, gives it chin presses, puts it to bed, and has named it after Grammy (using Grammy’s real name). As to be expected, she has been wearing her new striped capri pants since she put them on yesterday afternoon. As usual, Amy has been having a bit of a rough time witnessing Sarah getting all of the presents. I do have some things for both of them for Thursday. It took me a few years to learn that having a few items for the non-birthday girl really helps. While birthdays are a good time to work through jealousy, it is ok to take the edge off a little bit.

I always feel a mess of varying emotions when it is Sarah’s birthday. Yes! wow! 12! Yet, so much not a typical 12. So much still in toddlerhood with some things, like complete stubborn recalcitrance and tantrums that include banging, throwing, screaming, and slamming. I realize that many people do these things throughout their lives and I am not innocent on that front. But I am weary of it. I am judging it and feeling like we should be past it. Such an outburst happened just a minute ago. While there have been many moments when I could remember that she just needed to have a crying screaming session to get her feelings out, in this moment I didn’t remember. I just felt mad and that I couldn’t understand her. Then I felt about two inches tall. Sarah is still having moments at school that mean she doesn’t join the regular classes. At the end of the school day on Friday her teacher had to give her a shirt with no buttons because Sarah was putting her buttons and zipper in her mouth, escalating all of the things she was being told not to do. Doesn’t she understand how much more easily everything would go if she didn’t escalate the behaviors she knows not to do?? (You could ask the same of me, even if the behaviors are different.) Why can’t she just do school better? Why can’t she just cooperate more? What am I not doing or seeing that would make this better? I know last week I somehow had some wisdom about choosing a different story for myself, choosing that I do have energy for all of this, but right now I don’t. Right now I just feel drained and done. It has been a hard 12 years. An absolutely amazing, life changing, profound, phenomenal, filled-with-the-best-people 12 years. An inspiring, miraculous 12 years that fills my heart daily. But also a ragged one at times. How do these realities coexist in me? is us? I suppose the underlying thing to remember is that sometimes I’m the one that needs a good cry and maybe more sleep, more water, and better food, and forgiveness. I hesitate to share all of this, feeling like a broken record about all of it, but it is also how things are at the moment, and this is my way of remembering my moments. I realize now that I’ve been writing weekly about our journey for over 7 years. That is rather staggering. We have had Sc. doing SR time for 7 years. G. has been with Sarah for almost 9 years. How are all of these large numbers possible? Yet, how not? These wonderful, amazing people are part of our family now, giving their time and love to us all for so many years. I know we are incredibly, deeply blessed and that Sarah has been the cause to find the path to the blessings. So in the big picture everything is really amazing, even if sometimes the road feels muddy and mucky and that I want to stop. I don’t really want to stop. Maybe I just need to have it all be ok and not feel embarrassed about the tough times, as if somehow I shouldn’t have them. Anyway, here we are. Depending on Sarah’s interest of the moment, that is how we describe ourselves when we are off-kilter. We are either on the wrong bicycle, the wrong ball, the wrong bamboo patch, the wrong litterbox, or as Amy said this morning, Sarah and I were eating the wrong cheese! We were! We had a moment of delighted laughing as we celebrated no longer eating the wrong cheese.

Sarah has always had is a sparkly spunky sense of humor and play. Yesterday, Amy brought out Twister and Sarah said she wanted to invite her friends to play too. She asked the kids printed on the box to come play. Then she had the box walk over and move around the board. That was entirely her idea. 

Amy and I have been watching the “Annie” movies, both the most recent and the original. I loved the story when I was little and I love it still. When I was little I had a locket with an Annie doll that I lost in a campground and have looked for ever since. Recently I looked on ebay and was astonished to find that I could have the very same locket and doll, brand new. Of course, now I don’t want it. Plus, I enjoy having something to look for at the camp ground, despite the now-realized fact that I had no memory of what the doll looked like. That seems like a profound analogy for life, with all of us searching this life campground for something we lost but we don’t actually remember what it was so how are we really going to find it? And maybe now we want something different and we already have it but don’t fully appreciate the fact because we are still looking down for the lost thing.

May you have someone kind to bring you company and a clementine, may you remember what your lost doll looked like, may your friends come to play, and may you eat the correct cheese!

January 20

I’ve been thinking a lot about the line between discerning how I am truly feeling vs keeping myself stuck in a story of things being hard, thus perpetuating things feeling hard. Maybe it isn’t really a line. Maybe it is helpful to ascertain how I am feeling so that I can make different choices about my actions or thoughts and thus bring about a different experience. Deciding that I’m not too tired and not burned out has been helpful. There have been many moments when I have easily reminded myself that it is good if Sarah is having feelings. It is good to give her time and space to clear them. It will help us have an easier time later. Making a different choice about how to feel about Sarah’s upsets is sort of like choosing to brush my teeth with my non-dominant hand. It takes a moment of presence and reminding myself but then it is usually easy. 

Yesterday morning Sarah had another long crying session about it not yet being time for her bowling birthday party. Carl was the listener but I felt at peace with hearing her upset in the background, with no need for her to be done. Much later she was very helpful about loading the car for a short trip. 

I’ve been reading The Mother-Daughter Project by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz and asking myself the book’s query: what do I need as a mother to support me in being the mom I want to be? Recently, after a full day of mostly just Sarah and me, I found myself yelling at her for spilled milk. Yes. You read that right. When I asked myself what I needed the answer was “a break.” Not that it had been a particularly hard or taxing day, but the change was in asking myself what I needed and hearing the answer with relief instead of judgement. Then I did get a short break. The question helps me honor my choices to rest or keep a clean house or get a massage or ask for help as truly important parts of being the mom I seek to be. It is like learning how to care for an animal and what it needs when. It’s just that the animal is me. 

Amazingly, it seems like Sarah can eat baked dairy!! Since the time of accidental goldfish consumption, I have purposely given Sarah cheddar bunnies on several occasions. I have used cow milk in some baking. She seems to have no reaction! I bought some Nilla Wafers to try next. Not that I want her eating a ton of processed foods, but it brings me joy when she can know certain tastes and experiences every once in a while. 

Gymnastics is still a bit of a struggle for me, which is why we often have Carl go instead. When I go, I have to remind myself that the time is finite and that my goal is to stay relaxed and in good connection with Sarah. We managed mediumly well yesterday. 

I’m not sure if there is anything better than blasting “Let It Go” from “Frozen” and having us all sing along. I love that Amy now loves the movie and the songs and wants to be Anna.

Amy is a new Brownie and is selling Girl Scout cookies (for a limited time). If you want to buy or donate some cookies, you can go to https://digitalcookie.girlscouts.org/scout/amy112560. Amy loves being in the group and it is something she does with Carl, who is an assistant leader with her troop. She has been clear that it is not my place to do Girl Scout things with her.  The only difficult part of her Girl Scout experience so far is that the meetings are on some Tuesday evenings at the same time as Sc does her SR time. While SR time was originally just with Sarah, at this point it is with both girls. Amy is often heartbroken to leave the special play time early even though she knows it is for something else she loves. This week after dinner she popped up to tell Sarah and Sc goodbye. She came down in tears, throwing herself into my arms and saying that was a big mistake (to say goodbye) because they had just made a castle fort and she was so sad not to get to play in it. 

We discovered a new game that Sarah loves. It is called Paku Paku and it involves throwing dice and stacking tiny dishes and saying “one two three Paku Paku!” and “Paku stop!”  All of this has Sarah laughing delightedly. 

May you laugh with delight and sing your favorite songs, finding new paths if you are weary of your old ruts. 

January 13

Sarah had her annual audiology evaluation on Friday. The good news is that her hearing is about the same as it was a year ago. She has moderate hearing loss in her left ear and minimal loss in her right ear. This means it is still optional to get a hearing aid. That has been something I resisted in the past, but now I am thinking it may be worth the annoyance of paperwork and extra appointments to at least have one for her. Even though technically her right ear is strong enough to do the job for both ears, I wonder if she would have a better/easier/more focused time in school if she could hear perfectly. The annoying paperwork is because insurance won’t cover the hearing aid so the audiologist said I would need to apply for medical assistance. 

Sarah had a good week at school. On Friday she joined her neurotypical peers for 15 minutes of Science class and 15 minutes of Religion. What her primary teacher does so beautifully is to take her for the last 15 minutes of class so that when that time is done it is because the class is over, regardless of Sarah’s behavior. As Sarah is able, they increase the time. 

Carl and I were each independently noticing and inwardly celebrating how much Sarah and Amy play together. This morning when they woke up they stayed in bed singing a song they adapted to be about Rizzo the Rat. 

Yesterday we tried snow tubing. Sarah and I each went once and that was quite enough, thank you very much! I need a slow lazy-river type snow tubing experience. Amy screamed the whole time but loved it. She and Carl went twice and then the hill was closed for maintenance. For all that Amy like it, I did notice that afterwards she had no reserves to deal with disappointment. Something minor didn’t go as she wanted and she was a pile of intense tears and general disgruntlement for a long time. My guess is that part of that was due to the heightened adrenaline of the tubing, combined with being hungry. 

Sarah is desperately eager for it to be her birthday or at least the day of her party. Yesterday morning she had intense screaming and crying about that. My mom must have temporarily inhabited my body because I was completely calm and relaxed about it and had as much time and space as Sarah needed. So often I fight the fight or walk away from her screaming. It is lovely when I remember the healing power of a good crying session and truly have the space to honor it and witness it. After her session, Sarah took a nap. When she awoke she told me she was feeling better after her nap. Then she asked again to go bowling (her party is at a bowling alley). I said no, but this time she didn’t get upset. 

Love to all of you. May you hear what you need to hear and have space for any and all feelings.