Surrounded by the silent cacophony of my own judgements about my feelings, I cease to notice them as optional. Inspired by Glennon Doyle’s encouragement to not abandon myself, I have started to notice when I condemn my reactions and to stop the condemnation and start accepting the feelings as rational. For example, yesterday had some moments with Sarah that felt extraordinarily stressful, but then I compounded my difficult internal experience of stress by telling myself that I shouldn’t be so stressed and that anyone else would handle it better. I could feel my head muscles tightening, as if preparing for a headache. The simple step of saying to myself that it was ok to be stressed, made sense to be stressed, and that others in my shoes might feel the same, helped my head muscles release a bit. I was still stressed, but I wasn’t adding insult to injury by fighting myself about the feelings. I wasn’t abandoning myself.
This past week I realized that Sarah and I had been getting along pretty well for a while and that instead of focusing on our clashes I could notice how much she loves me and seeks connection with me. I could trust that connection and not give up on requests of Sarah before even making them. I also let Sarah watch more tv than usual. Sure, there has always been the occasional day with unlimited technology, but I let that continue for much more of the week when there was down time. I told myself that staying relaxed myself was worth it and I stand by that. But… perhaps that lulled me into forgetting how trying certain moments can be. Which brings me back to yesterday.
We attempted an outing to two museums with our extended family. At the first museum we knew it might not have a lot to appeal to kids, but I hoped there would be enough. I hoped there would at least be a fun ramp to traverse. Sarah’s chosen activity turned out to be riding the elevator by herself. In hindsight, maybe I should have let her do that repeatedly for half an hour. But in the moment I didn’t want her to do that, which led to much resistance on her part. Instantly, I went into high stress mode, wishing I was anywhere but in that moment. In short order, the girls and I returned to the car. Then we went to the History Center, which was the next planned destination. We got there well before the others, but that was ok. The girls love Kidsburgh and spent a couple hours happily playing. While Grandma stayed on kid-duty, I got to walk around the museum a bit. But then I felt guilty for being away from kid-duty and that Grandma wasn’t able to walk around the museum. My hip hurt (nothing new but it comes and goes as to the severity) and I felt like I better enjoy every minute of the museum instead of not wanting to read every word. So I felt guilty for not enjoying the museum more. Eventually the kids timed out on even the fun kid stuff, so I took them home for quiet time, pizza, and a movie while the rest of the family went out together. It was hard not to feel a little sad about missing the family time, but that probably would have been more stressful if the kids were grumpy and wilted.
Aside from yesterday’s challenges, the week went well overall. Amy has noticed that math is easier and she is faster at completing problems now that she has her multiplication and division facts memorized. Sarah’s new favorite thing to do with me is take turns quoting Blippi, a fun tv personality from a show with the same name. Sarah’s favorite line is, “There’s so much to see and do here!” Then she likes to spell “h-e-r-e” and say she is Baby Here.
One afternoon we went to the playground. I felt the quintessential sadness of a parent realizing how much her kids have grown and that the days for playground trips are numbered. Especially playground trips requiring a grownup’s presence. I wouldn’t want to rewind time nor do I want another baby or young kid. But I still felt the poignancy of appreciating a moment in time that may be fleeting. I was also stunned to watch Sarah run while pushing the merry-go-round and then hop on while it was in motion. When did she learn to do that?! Sarah’s is all about going down twisty slides lately and after watching some of a Blippi episode I know why. There is a twisty slide in the episode. Well, maybe letting her watch Blippi ad infinitum has more benefits that I realized.
Much love to all of you. Feel your feelings and don’t abandon yourself by telling yourself you shouldn’t feel that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment