Last Sunday Sarah helped Carl make dinner. Yesterday she made a water smoothie by filling our Vitamix with water and blending it to make sure there were no lumps. I do hate lumpy water, don’t you?
Sarah received her second Pfizer shot on Wednesday and was at low ebb with a fever on Thursday. Thursday evening after bedtime we heard her talking happily and reciting books and shows as she often does, so we knew she was feeling better.Amy and her BFF had an outdoor play date earlier in the week, and they had THE BEST TIME EVER. They used bricks to smash other bricks and rocks. Then they used water from the sprinkler to make mud and got completely covered in mud. Sarah joined in the rock smashing but was not up for mud.
Yesterday morning was not the best between Sarah and me. She was whiney and impatient about things and I didn’t have the internal space to respond as lovingly/patiently/creatively as I sometimes do. I decided to go for a walk to recenter myself. If only. There are many “if only” thoughts about this decision. If only I had picked a different route. If only I had stopped to chat with a neighbor. If only I hadn’t stopped a car from driving through the all-way walk in the big intersection near the playground because I was still crossing. If only I had let them go.
Or if only I could have been deaf to the calls from another car judging me for my wanting a safe, legal time to cross. The person in the judgy car said I should stop being a “Karen” and be an adult. I hate that that name has become a bad thing. I know so many wonderful people with that name. I hated being called a name for just wanting to cross when it was my turn at an intersection where I legitimately worry about cars misbehaving and hitting kids. I replied in a yell that I had kids. They yelled back that my kids weren’t with me. It is true that my kids weren’t with me, but that doesn’t change my desire for cars to behave there. Anyway. I realized my walk was ruined because I felt so rotten after that interaction. So I turned to cross back and go home, only then realizing that traffic hadn’t moved on so the judging car was still there. As they drove past me they were laughing at me as I was fighting tears. I screamed that they had no idea. Because of course they didn’t have any idea of what my life is like or my morning was like. Nor do I know theirs.
In hindsight I know it would have been much better if I had just let everyone do their thing and ignore them but I didn’t have the wherewithal for that either. So I went home, crying the whole way, using my mask as a tissue, and then crying and yelling more as I told Carl about it. I also journaled to get more feelings out, so I was able to mostly put it in the past. But my mind still holds on a bit, offering different scenarios of all the better things I could have said and done or all the ways it could have gone worse. Anyway, that was all yucky. At least Sarah and I had a better day for the remaining hours.
On the plus side, I had a really great week with my clients. I explored new ways of working that were more effective and easier on my body. I also helped a student feel much better about their abilities and future possibilities. And most of the week I also felt like a good mom and a good person. Just have to keep releasing the other crap.
I hope your days are going well.
Jenny, as I read this I can feel your frustration, fear, anger and all the other emotions that must have been swirling around you. I'm angry too when I read about that cold-hearted judgment coming from that driver. I'm so sorry you went through that, especially when you were working to feel centered. Hopefully it was ultimately helpful to yell at someone and to cry. Thank you so much for sharing all these brave and vulnerable moments in your life.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
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