When I am struggling I can forget what it feels like not to be struggling. I can think that I already have all the information and that there isn’t anything that would help. What a misperception! I never think that when it comes to getting Alexander lessons. I always know there is room for change. This past Monday, I had an amazing talk with Samahria Kaufman, the original Son-Rise Mom. It was the perfect blend of her listening to me, telling me things, and asking me questions that were loving, non-judgemental, and yet cut to the heart of the matter.
As with my Son-Rise training sessions, as soon as I ended my time with Samahria I started interacting differently with Sarah. It was a change from the inside out, and the ripples have been immediately apparent. I am amazed and so grateful. I had forgotten how in love with Sarah I could feel and how we could have easy time together that felt held together in a magical net of not needing to change anything. The main change for me requires reminders, in the way that I might remind myself of my Alexander directions. It is a gentle shift rather than trying to force myself or pretend, which is the energy I had been in. I had felt like I was often playing a role of forced enthusiasm or forced calm because I was hoping it would make Sarah respond in a certain way. Now whenever I notice her starting to go down a path of tension or resistance I remind myself that this is wonderful! Yes! Because now I have an opportunity to practice making different choices for myself, thus helping retrain us into a new way of being together. We haven’t had any explosive fights.
I have figured out a new way to approach transitions. Instead of just giving her a countdown of timing, I ask her to pause whatever she is doing so we can talk about the upcoming plan. She pauses easily. I sit with her and explain whatever scheduled things are next and some options for the intervening time. If she doesn’t like my ideas then we keep going until we have an acceptable plan. She tends to then transition easily when it is time. I feel like we are back on the same team instead of being on opposing teams. She can still have her struggly moments, but I am staying calmer.
One of Sarah’s favorite activities is to do “mouse, mouse, mouse.” This means we snuggle in bed and I hold her chin and vibrate it and then move to her arm and leg for vibrations, all while saying “mouse, mouse, mouse” with varying intonations and enthusiasm. It is amazing to me that when she is resisting other activity options, this has sometimes been the thing that lights up her eyes with delight. She has also been giving me kisses on my forehead and cheeks and then she says, “I am so sweet! I am so smart.” Yes, my dear. Yes, you are.
Meanwhile, Amy has taken over the role of Sarah’s math helper for homework, which suits me perfectly. Amy’s favorite music du jour is the soundtrack to the My Little Pony movie. Living with Amy is like living in a musical because you never know when she will burst into a song she is making up to describe her current situation. Thursday night she did NOT want to go to bed. After her lights were out, Amy changed back into regular clothes and cat ears. She spent about 20 minutes dancing around the first floor, singing about how she hated the night and that the sun should win. Her lyrics and rhyming were quite impressive. It was too wonderful a moment to curtail with any bedtime rules. When the show was over she went back to bed without us saying a word.
I have started including the girls a bit more in meal preparations. Sarah seems more open to listening to my instructions, perhaps because she can tell I’m willing to have her participate. One night I cut large sections of an apple so that they were separate from the core. Sarah did the rest of the cutting, putting oil and the apples in a pan, and stirring the apple. All I did for the cooking was to operate the burner. I know she could easily learn that but I don’t want her to think of that as something for her to do. Not yet.
Sarah is in love with the house in Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Sarah says she is going to have dinner with the house. Yesterday Carl helped the girls make cardboard houses. Sarah’s is intended to be the house from the book. Amy’s house is for Olivia. They even painted their houses a bit, despite my fearful cringing about the possible mess.
How humbling to realize once again that the answer to my external problems was internal. I so much wanted the change to come from Sarah. If she would only make different choices and do as I so reasonably asked then our life together would have been so easy! How humbling that the shift could come rather easily from me and make such a difference.
May you feel loved and seen today and all days.
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