Quite often after I write about something then it changes. Sometimes that makes me want to avoid sharing if things are going really well, but I always share anyway, and sometimes that helps me shift out of whatever was difficult. After my last update, Sarah’s pajama obsession eased a bit. I think it was due to explaining that they would go away for good if she couldn’t handle changing out of them when it was asked of her, but maybe it was also related to the writing.
Amy’s school was cancelled two days in a row due to the extreme heat of Tuesday and Wednesday. Meanwhile, as I write I am wearing fleece pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe! I let Sarah stay home on Tuesday because she had a seizure on Monday night. It was similar to her others, in her sleep and lasting about a minute. She was distressed afterwards and her body didn’t work quite right, as usual post-seizure for her. Fortunately, she was able to sleep and didn’t spend hours feeling like she needed to puke. In the morning I woke her at the normal time to see if she wanted to get up and go to school. She said she had a headache and wanted to stay home. I gave her advil, and twenty minutes later she was playing and completely her usual self. I suggested that she was well enough to go to school. She instantly put her hand to her head and belly and reported that they hurt. Since Amy was already going to be home, I let Sarah stay too. On Wednesday she went to school as usual.
Sarah’s seizures are infrequent, but this last one crossed the line for us in terms of whether or not she should be on anti-seizure meds. We decided it is time. I have the bottle here but we haven’t started quite yet. Even getting the medication from the pharmacy was way more emotional for me than I expected. I cried all the way home. This feels like a really big and disappointing deal. It feels like admitting that she has epilepsy, and it feels scary in terms of the future. I realize that it should seem scarier to not medicate, but if we aren’t medicating then somehow it isn’t that big of a problem. Maybe it’s not. But once every month or two still seems too often, especially with her distress and discomfort after they happen and having no way to know how miserable she/we will be. It is also scary each time waiting for the seizure to stop and praying that it will be short and that I won’t need to give her the emergency medication.
My uncle sent me an article that is about how parental yelling is ineffective and is a sign of weakness. The article suggests planning ahead more so you can lay out ground rules and also celebrating hugely when your kid does the thing you want. We definitely do big celebrations, but I could probably up my game in that department too. Sometimes when things are how you want them to be it is easy to not notice them as novel. When I first read the article I wanted to yell (ahem) at the author that they didn’t know my kids or my situation or how long the days are of how often I do the planning ahead but that I can’t think of everything. Given that I wish I didn’t yell, it was actually sort of nice to have someone telling me that it was bad, even if I fought it and resisted it defensively at the same time. As I sit with the author’s points, I find my parenting responses changing at least some of the time. At least once when I wanted to be frustrated at Sarah’s predictable upset about missing Carl, I reminded myself to come into my power instead of feeling weak and helpless. Instead of grumping at her and walking away, I sat and held her on my lap and looked in her eyes. It turned into a sweet moment. It helped that I had the time. It helped that she allowed it, because she doesn’t always. Perhaps it was because she was pretending I was Granddad. I have no idea why it is so important that it be Granddad instead of me holding her, but it is. I don’t do anything different than I do when I am me. It is sort of like drawing a desired piece of clothing on paper. It is all in the imagination.
I’m more acutely aware that the girls are growing up and that the times of them wanting to hang out with me, play with me, read with me, snuggle with me, and sleep in my bed are finite. This helps me enjoy some moments that might otherwise seem arduous or never-ending. So many people counsel parents to enjoy every minute because it goes so fast. The thing is, such counsel rarely gets that intended result on my end. Because parenting is hard!!! The hours can feel long. I am trying my best to enjoy every moment but some of them are too hard! I have to come to this realization of time passing and wanting to cherish the moments on my own, when it feels like I have breathing space to do so.
Normally I don’t like having the girls help in the kitchen, but that has been shifting. They are more skilled and as long as I am in a relaxed frame of mind about time and mess and output, then it’s all good. One day I gave each girl a mixing bowl and told them they could make whatever they wanted. I would just help with suggestions of possible ingredients and amounts. When I was little I used to bake things without a recipe. My products were never very good, but my obliging parents tried them anyway. Amy’s cake was good. It was a bit dense and had a light sweetness. Sarah’s was fluffy but tasted too much of baking powder. Sarah’s second creation later in the week was much better and we all had two pieces. Their cakes aren’t really very sweet and we haven’t frosted them so I feel ok about treating them more like bread.
Sarah has a new love of calling people on the phone. I tell her what numbers to press and I coach her to keep the phone to her ear. She has called Mom-Mom and Grammy/Granddad. This seems so adorable and grown up.
Yesterday morning Carl and I were convinced that everyone was upstairs and that Amy was still sleeping. As we went to go downstairs we were greeted by a sneaky little Amy who had already been up, making toast with jam for everyone! Breakfast also included a side of pretzels. Her earnest enthusiasm was almost too much to bear. Later in the day she cut the center out of a paper plate and used the center paper to create cat ears to tape to the outer circle. She called her creation Moon Cat. She then made a small Moon Cat first aid kit that contained tape and crayons, in case repairs or color were needed. Sometimes Amy is just so amazingly creative and wonderful my heart hurts at the wonder of her being.
May your baking be tasty and may your heart find such delight that it almost hurts.
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