I’ve been struggling a bit lately with my parenting. I’ve had these times before and they are no fun. I hate feeling like everyone would be better off if I just hired a sitter to take my place. I feel like every time I say something it is either ignored or the opposite is willfully done. I am not handling it well. I know this is what kids do but sometimes I’m able to handle it relatively easily or with grumps but quick recovery. This week I feel like I’m just mad at the girls every other minute and feeling like a bad parent and wanting to throw half of our belongings in a dumpster. And then I also have moments of feeling that all is well, all is right with the world, I’m so blessed, etc. Those moments are usually when I am by myself or working. These struggly feelings seem like the underside of a rock that I’d rather stayed against the ground but somehow my rock got flipped upside down.
There have still been wonderful moments mixed in with the frustrations. Sarah participated in her first Christmas concert. I could barely see her due to where she was and how the seating was arranged. But…. when I did see her…. she was singing! Up there with so many other students! Singing happily and dancing a bit! When we saw that she was singing Carl and I turned to each other with surprised wonder and perhaps some tears sitting in our eyes. Of course we hear her singing around the house and with Amy, but it is a totally different and bigger deal to sing up in front of a huge group of people, with a group of people, joyfully. And she waited patiently for a loooooong time while her class was not singing but was staying in front of the stage. Not that I could really see this, but I think we would have noticed her teacher intervening or we would have heard her if she wasn’t waiting patiently. Another wonderful thing was that the timing worked for Grandma and Grandpa to be there. After the concert when I brought Sarah up, her face was lit up with happiness as she gave her grandparents and Carl huge hugs. The girls were happy to eat gingerbread cookies on the drive home and change into new pajamas before a very late bedtime.
The next day Amy had her concert. It also was wonderful and I could see her the whole time she was on stage. For Sarah to be quiet during the concert also meant letting her play with her phone the whole time, as usual. She really just wants to go up and down the aisles or stairs. It was a striking contrast to her patient attendance during her own concert. Maybe I need to hire her teacher to come be me at home. Leaving was a little difficult, as usual, because Sarah didn’t want to leave the stairs she was enjoying. I roughly explained that girls who left easily got to eat gingerbread cookies on the way home and girls who didn’t leave easily didn’t. I felt mean and graceless as a parent, embarrassed to be observed by other parents, but desperate to be on our way home.
Yesterday I had a really amazing Alexander class, taught by my AT teacher. I learned, again, to be slower and wait longer for the outcome I desire. As I read what I wrote about my parenting I’m thinking that a lot of my strife comes from wanting something to happen right NOW! Sometimes it needs to, but what if the other times I could just allow even one more minute for things to shift? Perhaps so much easier said than done, but at least I have an intention and hopefully that will make a difference.
This is the first week in ages that I’ve gotten a good night of sleep every night. I still get headaches but they are extremely mild thanks to Verapamil. I’m still on my quest to find what I might do that contributes to my headaches so I’m being vigilant about noticing when I tighten my jaw or tongue, which I do ALL the time. Letting that tension go seems to help the whispers of headaches abate. I doubt that is the whole deal, but at least it is something I can undo.
In contrast to my struggles, last Sunday Carl took the girls to Ikea and was startled by how easy it was compared to when they were younger. We now have a desk (courtesy of Grandma and Grandpa) in the SR room and a pink chair courtesy of Ikea. As G. so perfectly put it, the SR room is growing up. We have art on the walls, a bookcase full of books, and bins full of dress-ups. We no longer need to keep things out of reach or keep the room so simple. As soon as the desk was in place with the chair, Sarah picked a book and sat there reading.
Over the past few weeks we have been playing “I Can Do That” which is a Cat-in-the-Hat game involving picking three cards that are to be read together and then you do the task described on the cards. Sarah reads her cards and does the tasks with little assistance required. She even came upstairs recently to find me and ask me to play the game with her. This is really amazing and not to be sneezed at. Sarah’s favorite thing is to get a “stop” card and moan about it, just as I make a huge deal when I get a “stop” card.
Sarah notices when the humidifier is empty and fills it. Sunday mornings she sometimes goes outside to get the newspaper for Carl without him even asking for assistance. In so many little ways Sarah is getting more capable, responsible, and grown up.
I have noticed increased ease, speed, and flexibility with language when Sarah is connected to us. When she is stuck on wanting a certain thing and her whining to get it and can’t remember what I said a second ago, then that is frustrating and I want to just push my head into a wall. When Carl pretends to be a T-rex going after her bagel and she quickly says she is scared of the T-Rex then I’m impressed with her facility.
Much love to you all.
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