What if I just simply enjoyed the amazing awesomeness of my life? Occasionally I have glimpses of realizing that I am the one making up or enforcing the rules that I think I must follow.
I love it when many areas of the house are tidy and clean and I am caught up on cooking. Sometimes that doesn't happen and when it doesn't I am either stressed or calm. When I am tense about it, that is from believing it should be different and that I should do things differently. But, what if it is just ok that sometimes things are clean and sometimes they aren't? Sometimes we do playgrounds and art projects and I go to bed without cleaning the kitchen. For the first time since we started the reading and math programs I went to bed one night without refreshing my piles in preparation for the next day. And I lived. I told Carl that I was worried if I let it slip one night then I would mess things up for eternity. This was partially a joke but partially a true fear of a slippery slope of unpreparedness. Carl said that when I was out of town he had one night where he didn't prepare the word and math packs and that so far eternity was going pretty well anyway. Whew! So far things are still ok after my one night of not preparing. Last night I did prepare and I did clean the kitchen. I almost fully cleaned the family room, but not 100%. If I didn't second guess myself as much and think that I had to do the same level of everything all the time, maybe I could just easily and contentedly roll with our constantly evolving life. And maybe eternity will be ok.
I spent some time yesterday coloring with Amy. We sat at the little art table and each colored our own page. Sometimes I helped her when she wanted to stay within the lines. When I first brought out my design coloring book and markers, Amy was clearly yearning for them. Instead of taking them or asking to use them, she said she was done with her crayons and she didn't know what she could use to color. Hmm. Carl and I talked out loud about her situation and how if we were in that situation we might ask. She still didn't. She just watched me intently as I colored. It was only when I asked her if it would help to know the answer would be yes that then she asked me if she could use my markers. Coloring together reminds me of when I was much younger and would just spend time coloring with my friends. It is very companionable and enjoyable. And it does not clean anything! It does not cook anything! So yesterday I felt very behind when I approached the kitchen after the girls were in bed. At first I felt like crying. Then I figured that since I was tired and hungry it would be good to first sit and have food. I did. Then I got up and did the cleaning. But I had also given myself permission that it would actually be ok to not clean and leave it for the next day. This is an ever evolving flexible dance of figuring out when I most will benefit by not pushing myself to clean, cook, clean, and when it is actually an enjoyable present to my future self to tidy things up a bit (and by a bit I mean possibly an hour or more).
About Sarah... G. has noticed that at the beginning of a session is when Sarah strives to connect via statements that could be rephrased as questions. He has been casually/gently/enthusiastically/relaxedly helping her with this and she easily asks the questions once the wording is suggested to her.
Sc. observed that Sarah seems to be faster with her conversational skills and that Sc wasn't needing to wait as long as she used to for Sarah to answer a question or make a comment.
Sonia and Sarah did an experiment regarding ice and how it would melt. They had cubes and chips in different amounts and they guessed which would melt first and then watched to see what would actually happen.
The Dora baseball hat for Sarah finally arrived and peace reigns once more, at least where hats are concerned. Sarah mostly wears hers backwards, which gives her a slightly tough look, mitigated by the fact that the hat is pink and sparkly.
Sarah's flexibility around music has decreased. I used to be able to play all sorts of music and she would enjoy it and say what we were listening to. Now she wants dog music on my phone and nothing else. Dog music is what she calls a certain album of Disney children's music that has a picture of Pluto on the cover. This has been a favorite album since before she was 1 and her love of it has been rekindled. Almost any other music is met with screams and protests. And now Amy prefers no music. Of course. To be different from Sarah. I often suggest a compromise where we listen to dog music for a bit and then turn it off. If Amy forgets about turning it off then so do I. Because when I do turn off the music Sarah starts to yell and scream, or asks politely, anxiously, and repeatedly for it to be played again. But if it is played again then Amy gets upset. I can see they are both playing me to a certain degree, but sometimes all I want is peace and quiet. Or peace and dog music. Just please no yelling!
Amy had her 4 year well-visit with her doctor. Her doctor asked if she was getting enough servings of dairy products, mainly to give her calcium and vitamin D. Maybe this concern is routine. Maybe it is because she doesn't take a vitamin. While Amy does eat dairy, I think that perhaps the question from the doctor could be changed to encompass more sources of vitamin D and calcium. What about kids like Sarah who can't have dairy?? She gets almond flour and almond milk and juice from leafy greens, which all provide calcium. The girls eat salmon at least once a week and that is a source of vitamin D. And now that spring is here we will certainly be getting more sunshine.
I wish you all a pleasant eternity. May your moments not have too much noise of self-doubt or screaming.
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