January 4

I have no answers and something good is going to happen today. 

That is my motto for the moment. 

We had wonderful Christmas celebrations, travels, and visits. We saw all three sets of the girls' grandparents plus a plethora of cousins, aunts, and uncles. The drives to and from the Philly/DE area were the best drives we have ever had with the girls. Our timing was the same as if we had been without kids. They entertained themselves for basically the entire drive each way. Amy only asked once, 5 minutes into our journey, if we were there yet. The only thing I would have changed about the whole experience was my own health. I started getting a cold before we left and a few days of getting up at 5 or 5:30am did not help. By the time we were at my dad and stepmom's house I had a cough that sounded horrendous and I had to sleep (or attempt it) sitting as fully upright as possible on a couch. Finally, I am 98% better. Nothing helps me appreciate sleep like the lack of it. Nothing helps me appreciate sleeping horizontally in my own bed with only one pillow like a week of not being able to do so. Yesterday I had a 3 hour nap (thank you, Carl!!) and it was marvelous.

It was wonderful to have a break from cooking and cleaning, aside from taking care of Sarah's food. And it is also wonderful to be back home getting back into the groove of making all sorts of foods. 

Mom-Mom had a wonderful series of moments with the girls. When one of them was busy getting ready for bed or dressed for the day, Mom-Mom would invite the other up to her room for a conversation. They loved it. They adored the one-on-one time and I'm guessing the idea of a conversation felt very grown-up. The topics ranged from bicycles to fish to hanging plants, including pretending to bring new hanging plants into the room and watering them. This was a tiny bit of SR where I hadn't planned on any.

When we were saying our goodbyes at our last stop, Amy didn't want to say goodbye. She was heartbroken about leaving. I haven't seen her that way before about a goodbye. At home in the evening she started having a meltdown about getting in pajamas and as I held her she switched to saying how she was sad about leaving Grammy and Granddad's house. 

I felt unenthused towards my children for parts of the trip, probably because of being sick. Upon our return I tried to be more in tune with Sarah's energy (I was inspired after reading some of Awesomism by Suzy Miller). What I noticed was that I very easily can feel in sync with Amy's soft snuggly energy but that I was resistant to the taut energy of Sarah's body. I was wanting her body to be more calm instead of bringing more dynamic energy to my own. I am not yet sure what this means or what to do with the information but it was still interesting. Maybe the first step is just really being ok with her energy and not needing it to change.

Moving through my morning today I could feel the usual pull to blahdom and begrudging the never ending pickup of toys and cleaning of cookware. I felt the beginnings of my usual tug of war of feeling like I should do more, more, more and also wanting to embrace relaxed flowing ease (why these seem mutually exclusive is another thing to ponder). I was thinking about what to write and worrying that I always write the same sorts of things and that maybe people will get tired of reading my words. Then I remembered that this whole update/blog began as a way for me to process and remember my own journey and as such there isn't really a wrong way to do it. I further remembered a day in 7th grade when I woke up just believing it was going to be a good day. I felt so excited to be alive. I was excited to see my crush. And that day really was a fantastic day. So... what if I could allow that it is ok for me not to have any answers? What if I could bring in that level of 7th grade crush anticipation to my daily moments? 

Happy new anticipation of wonderfulness to you,