Last weekend, Sarah had a bit of a cold. She got over it in 2 days. That may be record speed for her, which would indicate that her body is indeed healing and getting stronger.
On Tuesday, Sarah and I played two consecutive full rounds of the Alexander board game I made last year (Alexander of the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day). It almost seemed too easy for her. Wow. I started thinking it was time to make another game.
On Wednesday, I made a new board game with Sonia's help. It is called Around the Wheel. You roll a die and then move your person (taken from another toy) around a wheel drawn on posterboard with different colored squares. When you land on a square you pick a card from the deck with the corresponding color written on the top. Sarah and I played a few rounds of this and she picked the correct card perfectly for each turn. She also liked almost all of the prompts from the cards that each of us picked (this was just the two of us playing), until we got to the instruction to have another player draw a shape and you color it in. I think the shape I drew was too big. Now I realize that to help her move toward the goal of coloring in a shape fully, I need to start small so that she can achieve it easily. Maybe I could start so small as to be ridiculous and we could laugh about it together.
For school, Amy created an American Indian name for herself: Angry Buffalo. I love this so much it is hard to say. All the other kids picked dainty things like Little Star. Not that there is anything wrong with dainty names, but I adore Angry Buffalo, the name and the girl. I do think the name is perhaps more apt for Sarah, so we have Angry Buffalo 1 and Angry Buffalo 2, not to mention that that really could be my name on many occasions.
Thursday morning I was a very angry buffalo as the girls were resisting getting ready for the day and Carl was out of town so it was just me to get them ready and make breakfast. The thing that puzzles me is why I got so mad and tense, given that we didn't actually have anything scheduled for the entire day except having Sonia come over to help as usual. I often attribute my anger to tension about time, but I think it is sometimes more about feeling powerless and disrespected. So, I threatened very loudly that maybe they wouldn't get breakfast. It was not my finest moment. They did get breakfast and we had a good day overall, it just wasn't the day I had envisioned during my Wednesday night Zumba when I was having all sorts of revelations that meant I was going to be happy and empowered forever. Instead of my going in the SR room for my envisioned 5 hours, we did no SR time at all. We had a relaxed day hanging out and then I went to work (my paid work as an MT, where I know what I'm doing, people love what I do and never yell). At one point on Thursday I was resting on the floor of the family room. The girls came in and the delight in their eyes to see me on the floor was wonderful to behold. They each took turns climbing on me and giving me chin presses and face mushes, fighting with each other for space on my person. So it seems that even when I yell for a few minutes of unglory in the morning, we have lost no love, and perhaps that is a great lesson too.
On Friday afternoon, Sarah was isming in the family room with Minnie cards from a Minnie Mouse matching game. I don't often join her when she is isming outside of the SR room because I figure she is occupied and I can do some cleaning or cooking. This time I did join her (meaning I did the same thing she was doing with no attempt to engage her). She began looking at me and smiling immediately. I then followed her lead and invitation to play the game. We played for at least 30 min, maybe 45, with Amy. After a short time, Amy brought a doll into the game to take turns too. I told Sarah she could have a toy elephant take a turn and I had an elephant myself. It was really like 6 people playing. It was very hard to actually get matches because there were so many cards and small individuals sometimes moved cards to new locations. I was the one to end the game because I realized I was getting frustrated and tight about enforcing turns and how to leave the cards in place, but I think the girls would have kept going had I stayed with it. Sarah mostly turns over the same two cards each turn unless I prompt her to turn over a new card for one of them, but she stayed with the game the whole time. This is really amazing. My next goal in this area is for me to be more relaxed about enjoying the process of the time together rather than worrying about playing the game right.
Yesterday, Carl took Sarah with him to REI. She saw the climbing wall they have there and wanted to do it. She just barely squeaks by with the minimum weight requirement. She climbed up a very short way. I love that she saw the activity and wanted to do it and that Carl arranged it so she could. I love how he loves expeditions with Sarah and has her help pay for purchases and parking and hold the parking garage ticket. I often don't so such outings, or when I do I don't have the internal space or thought to let Sarah do as much.
When I was in high school I often felt like there were different parts of me and that something was wrong that I couldn't choose whether I wanted to always be one way or another. For example, I loved Colonial times and garb but I also loved sometimes being trendy and modern. I felt like I should pick one and stick with it. One of my boyfriends said that maybe I didn't have to choose. That was helpful then and it is helpful now as I berate myself for not being able to stick to eating only healthy home cooking or being happy and loving all the time, etc. I realized last night that maybe it is the same idea and that once again, maybe it is ok and all the parts of me can exist and I don't have to always be one way.
My hand lotion has taught me a lesson recently. In the winter I struggle to keep my hands from cracking and bleeding. I also struggle to put lotion on often enough because I usually expect to be washing dishes or my hands right away again so why bother with lotion? I realize that I need to apply lotion as often as I think of it and that the solution will only come through each tiny moment of remembering. The same is true of being the loving mother I want to be. It is made up of each tiny moment. It isn't something I can achieve in one lump. Each tiny moment of remembering lotion or love can be celebrated as a step forward. If I forget lotion or forget the love in some moments it doesn't undo the times I remember.
Carl pointed out that in just over two years we will have a ten year old (Sarah turns 8 at the end of January). I don't know how to spell the sound of air being sucked out of me and feeling internally thrown backward. I'm also not sure why this is such a stunning revelation, but it is. It is moments likes these where I feel like I am standing on the top of a windy mountain ridge and I can look one way and see an abyss of how far behind Sarah is compared to her age peers, and I see my fears of messing up with this path we are on as if we will fall later because of my choices now. If I turn the other way I see how far we have come and how this is the best path I know and that if my choices now mean homeschooling for Sarah's whole school career then I will do it. It is the choice of comparing to some norm or should about what age indicates, verses being present and moving forward peacefully from where we are. It is such a strange sensation to see the veil between my choices of thoughts. It is not always so clear.
May your veils be thin and your choices clear and peaceful.
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