June 1

Perhaps I should stop writing about my breakthroughs in thinking because it seems that every time I write about an insight then I lose my new perspective shortly thereafter. Is this because once I commit it to writing I stop thinking about it so actively? Or would it happen anyway just because things and thoughts are always changing? After my last update when I said I wanted to have a vacation mentality, I realized that wasn't the whole picture. I had read a quotation from Anne Lammott  about how it would be heartbreaking if you get to the end of your life and realize you didn't let yourself live fully because of self judgements. Her example was about not going swimming because you were worried about your tummy being too big. I agree that that would be heartbreaking. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I spent the whole time judging my tummy or whole self. During Zumba class I have an excellent opportunity to judge myself and I am striving to have the judgements be kind rather than cruel. I am succeeding somewhat and when I am kind then I feel a joy instantly spring forth within me. So, clearly I have everything figured out forever and will always be happy and never harsh! 

Last weekend was very challenging. Whenever Carl has to work on the weekend I seem to struggle, much more than I do when he is at rowing. I think this is because I am fighting the situation, basically tantruming grumpily through the whole process because it feels unfair and the duration is undetermined. I sometimes do this in response to the girls' behaviors too, resisting that they are happening and slumping through my belly button into the floor (if one were to draw my energy). 

Half of this week felt challenging (yes, corresponding to the time of the month, but no less valid). On Friday I felt deeply slumped in feeling inadequate as a mom (because if I was better then I wouldn't have whiney screamy kids), as a team leader (because I don't always have insightful helpful things to say during feedback sessions; though Sonia pointed out that maybe this is because my volunteers are all awesome, which is true), as a wife (because I slump and grump so often), and as a Jenny (because I have a tummy and some frizzy gray hair and get grumpy and yell-ey sometimes), and as an SR facilitator (because I felt so uninspired to go in the room, even though we actually had some fun, new creative play once I did go in the room). 

In contrast, yesterday felt like a good, easy, productive day overall. The girls did water color painting for the first time, we expanded and relocated their sandbox (sand is heavy!), and created a water table/turtle out of their old sandbox. We also did various other yard projects and cleaning, and I got some cooking done. The girls played outside for almost the whole day. I had mostly good energy and felt good overall. Is this because of being productive? having Carl around for over half of the day? were the girls less screamy? For as much as I get tired of cleaning the kitchen, do I actually feel better when it is clean? I know I do, but when I am feeling yucky it is not always the thing I am itching deal with, though perhaps that could be my first line of defense against feeling yucky. 

But enough about me, what about Sarah? I forgot to mention that at a playdate two weeks ago Sarah said, "hi" to her friend H. and H. said "hi" back. It was so easy and normal and yet this sort of interaction between Sarah and other kids does not really happen yet. Sometimes at school probably, but I am not there to see it. With her volunteers there is always an exchange of greetings, but this was with a peer of about the same age. 

Sarah has started saying, "hey" as a greeting with some of her volunteers (N. and G.), and this is awesome and adorable. Sarah even paused in her shorts fixation with G. to look up and say "hey" before attending to his shorts.

When M. was with Sarah, M. wrote "Sarah" and "Amy" on a white board. Sarah knows those words by sight. Then M. wrote her own name and Sarah started sounding it out and then got it all by herself! I feel like Sarah is turning a corner in terms of reading, as if she is starting to really understand that she has the ability to sound things out and that that is the key to reading and knowing what a word is without being told. 

Sonia often has games with Sarah where Sarah is a monkey hanging on to Sonia's neck. Recently, Sonia expanded this to "monkey on a log" where Sarah sits on Sonia's legs. Sometimes the log is still and sometimes it is in the water and starts to encounter turbulence, throwing the monkey into the water. Sarah loves it!

Sarah has continued to have some skin issues. I had thought these were in response to the various supplements we had started, but now it has been a few weeks since we stopped the supplements and I haven't introduced new foods. I took her to the pediatrician and we are now figuring that some of her hives are due to playing outside and having a reaction to something and that maybe her finger blisters were a reaction to putting non-finger paint on her hands. For most art projects I give the girls washable paint, but it isn't finger paint. No more of that, at least for a while. I still feel uncertain about everything, possibly more than ever. Usually Sarah's skin is one of the ways in which I determine food sensitivity. How many times in the past did I think something was due to food and it was actually a reaction to something outside? That is why I try foods multiple times. I feel eager to start adding new foods and the supplements again, but also concerned that I won't know if she is having a reaction to a supplement or not. On the plus side, today her skin does finally seem mostly clear.

I have started soaking nuts before using them. This is easy but does require thinking ahead. Apparently it makes nuts much easier to digest. Once I get into more of a routine with this then I will try making my own nut butter from the soaked nuts. Recently I have been making almond milk and then I dehydrate the remaining almond meal to use in granola. The almond milk is so easy to make! Sarah loves it. Apparently it is an excellent source of calcium, which is good given that Sarah doesn't eat many leafy greens or broccoli and has no dairy.

Our little howler monkey has been climbing the walls. Literally. She is so strong!!

Much as I can bristle in response to her screams, I do appreciate how Sarah keeps me on my toes, ever striving for more space within myself to allow us to be our full selves, screams, grumps, slumps, whines, and all. Sometimes magazines edit pictures of beautiful people to get rid of the extra curves and bumps, even though they are really part of the picture. Maybe all the screams, grumps, and slumps are part of the picture of a beautiful life and don't need to be edited out or removed. Maybe. (but dang it, now I've written about it I will lose all of this perspective in the next minute! :)