On the way upstairs to write this, I stopped by our chocolate stash and picked out a partially eaten bar, initially intending to break off a chunk. Then I thought better of it, it being Mother's Day and all, so I put the whole thing in my bathrobe pocket. At this point, Carl and I burst into gales of deep belly laughter. I love that I can be so rustically, genuinely, messily me and that we can have a shared, loving laugh about it.
Yesterday, when I thought of writing this update, I considered having it be quite brief: "I'm tired."
Because I am. So tired. The two hour nap that Carl let me have yesterday was awesome and did wonders for my feeling more loving towards the world. But I am still tired. I love love love our program and I love spending so much time with my girls and cooking good food for them and shopping for good ingredients and thinking about how to make their growing up wonderful. And sometimes I want to scream and turn in my resignation and just walk away from it all. Sometimes I am so tired of Amy's whining and Sarah's screaming. Sometimes I wonder how it is possibly time to make more food again because didn't I just make food yesterday?? Sometimes I am so tired of the mess that our house so often is. But would I want to step out of my role and give it to someone else? No way! Hands off! But, yes, please, I do want to keep the short breaks and all of the wonderful amazing support I have.
Yesterday we went to a birthday party at Gymkhana, where the girls used to take gymnastics a year ago. Sarah was amazing. Sometimes at home I can feel like Amy is better at listening and following directions, but she actually had a harder time at the party and on a few occasions told me she wanted to be alone (so she could cry in a foam donut ring). Overall Amy had a good time, but I was really struck by how much older Sarah was than Amy in this situation. I love it when Sarah stands out as the older of the two! I love it so fiercely! Somehow it is how things should be. When the class started, Sarah went in and sat on the line with the other kids just as the teacher had instructed. We didn't say anything! Sarah watched, listened, and attempted to do almost all of the physical warm-ups. My favorite moment was when they were supposed to sit with their knees bent and legs splayed out to either side like wings and then to touch their nose to their knees. Sarah brought her knee up close to her nose so touching it was not a problem! Sarah easily stood in line to do the various activities. She did the zip line! The first two times the instructor helped her, but not on her last turn. As Carl pointed out, this instructor is used to helping hundreds of kids on the zip line so she has a good sense of who needs help and who doesn't. On her third turn, Sarah didn't need help! She has abs and biceps of steel, keeping herself tightly coiled for the duration of her ride.
We made Sarah-friendly ice cream this week. We used an ice cream maker ball so the girls made ice cream by passing the ball back and forth. Awesome and delicious. This is the first "real" ice cream that Sarah has had in 18 months. I made it with coconut milk, mint tea leaves (I didn't have fresh mint and my extract had gone bad), honey, chocolate, and avocado. I am excited to try other recipes and I have empty cardboard pint cartons on the way.
Sarah and I had some fun SR sessions, pretending to eat ice cream by the bucket-full and singing Oscar-the-Grouch's song, "I love trash." We also had days where we did no SR together because when I suggested it I received a firm, "no!" and I didn't want to force it.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's reading this. I am grateful for all of the people who help me be the best mom I can be. I am grateful to my girls for making me a mom. I am grateful to my Mom for being deeply amazing, encouraging, and steadfastly supportive. In talking to her once, I said that "mom" is one of the best words in the English language. Indeed. (Although I don't always feel that way at 2am when it is being called out repeatedly by someone who wants socks or a tuck-in or just to make sure I am around). I am grateful for my wonderful additional moms (step and in-law). I am grateful to Sonia for being an additional mom to my girls. It is pretty awesome to essentially have a third parent for the girls on a daily basis.
May you have space for yourself and whatever feelings you have regarding your own mother and being a mother (whether you are or aren't).
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