August 18

This week I do not know exactly how many hours we got, nor will I know precisely from this point forward. I have decided to stop my meticulous tracking. Egad!! At first this seemed like a relief and then I started to freak out. Then I realized that my freaking out was due to thinking that ceasing to track somehow also meant ceasing to follow a schedule. Once I realized that I could still adhere to a schedule and do so as determinedly as ever, then I felt better. With some things it is more effective to say "this is what we are doing now" rather than giving a choice.

Carl's helpful perspective: I am running a full time Sarah-Rise program. Part of this includes several hours of one-on-one Son-Rise play in our dedicated room. Part of this includes GAPS, Becky's Program, and doing Son-Rise as a lifestyle as much as possible. Sometimes I was hurrying Sarah downstairs so we could go be relaxed together in the SR room. I am hoping that not tracking will allow me to be more relaxed about the process so that at least I don't hurry up and disconnect in my effort to relax and connect.

Sarah had her annual hearing test on Monday. Her hearing continues to be in great shape and she gets better every year about allowing things to be put into her ears. For the part in a sound-proof room the audiologist put out some toys and then asked Sarah to show her specific things. Sarah immediately started doing imaginative play, incorporating what the person asked for and then making solid eye contact (I was behind her). So awesome!!

We have bid farewell to two volunteers as they return to college. I knew this time was coming but I still feel a bit sad. At least I will see them both again in the future. For the fall our schedule is changing a lot. We will be losing 1 or 2 more volunteers and Sarah will attend preschool 2 mornings a week, with either Sonia or myself in attendance (at least at the beginning). I'm not sure Sarah needs an attendant but for those few moments when she does it is nice if it is one of us. And observing her in school is very helpful so we know what to focus on in the SR room. We will also be having a field trip morning when Sonia and I will take the girls out to a different place each week (eg. zoo, aviary, museums). With two adults and two children I think we can do an outing and still be very attentive and flexible and hopefully not too stressed!

Highlights:
During an afternoon session of Becky's music, Sarah picked up a baby doll and made it dance.

Seemingly out of the blue, Sarah said she wanted to mail a letter to G. so we made a card together. She wrote "H U" very clearly. Then when I prompted for her signature she scribbled at the bottom. which is very different from when I ask her to write her name and she does her version of printing it. Both are illegible but so earnest I can barely stand the adorableness.

I made a game and it was a huge success. I was thinking that one of our long term goals is for Sarah to play games the way they are meant to be played. I was also thinking about how much she loves Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. With some helpful suggestions from M. about things to include in the game, I made it. (picture below) It is a simple board game with game pieces made from a cut up egg carton and pictures of the characters glued on top. You roll a die and then move through some of the events from Alexander's day, either answering questions about the event or acting it out. The first person to reach Australia wins.The first time I brought the game out, Sarah and I played for 45 minutes! Almost fully interactively. She still needs a lot of coaching about when to roll and to keep the game pieces on the board, but in terms of creating a game that caters to her interest this is a clear win. Her favorite part is when the elevator door closes on Alexander's foot. As soon as she starts trying to recite that part she laughs so much she can barely get the words out. I discovered last night that an Alexander game already exists, but it looks too chaotic and complicated for where we are at the moment. It was so exciting to have a vision and make it real.

This week has felt like an emotional roller coaster. Some times I have felt like the best mom ever (creating the Alexander game). Other times I have felt like a total fraud, doubting myself and berating myself for getting mad repeatedly. Stopping tracking the hours combined with continued digestive issues for Sarah kicked up some emotional dust bunnies so I could see them more clearly. Sometimes I feel like I must be able to prove that what we are doing is THE best most effective thing and that it is going to work and that if the outcome is unknown or we have anything other than forward progress then how can I rationalize spending so much time and effort and so much of Sonia's time and effort. And since I have a full-time helper then how can I still have trouble getting everything done or feel stressed at all? etc. It is strange to me that this can coexist with my noticing daily amazing progress. Noticing the daily amazingness is when I have eyes of love, trust, and gratitude. Worrying that I am not doing enough, can never do enough, and am wasting everyone's time is when I have eyes of fear. I have a book (Emmanuel's Book by Judith Stanton) that says something to the effect of "there are no guarantees. from the viewpoint of love, none are necessary. from the viewpoint of fear, none are enough." That's not an exact quotation, but it is the gist of it and it captures my different feelings and perspectives. Perhaps the biggest question for me to ponder is why do I need to be the best?

Anywho, I hope you are all having lovely weekends. May your visions become successful realities.