April 7

This week we had a stomach bug sweep through the family in varying degrees of severity. For most of the week Sarah was sick and then when she was better I was sick. Sonia was very sick for most of the week. And Amy had a mild cold. So... we got 2 hours and 45 minutes! The 45 minutes was with me early in the week and the 2 hours was thanks to Sb coming in yesterday. She always has lovely energy and it was an especially welcome breath of fresh air yesterday. Sarah is now fully recovered and Carl and I are most of the way, but not fully better (we were never terribly sick, but there is still a difference between feeling a bit sick and feeling quite well). It was a very quiet week with mostly just the girls and me. There was lots of napping, lying on couches, watching movies, and reading books. 

Last Sunday evening we did an Easter egg hunt with plastic eggs. It was amazing to see the difference in how the girls approached it. Amy immediately knew what to do and started filling her bag with all the eggs. Sarah found an egg and opened it and closed it and opened it and closed it. She put it down. She found another egg to open and close. Eventually Amy had all the eggs in her bag. When Carl commented on that fact then Amy went over next to Sarah's bag and started putting eggs from her own bag into Sarah's bag. I could barely contain my tears over Amy's sweetness. Then Amy wanted to open and close eggs but she couldn't close them so, at Carl's suggestion, she asked Sarah to help her close her egg. Sarah did (basically taking the egg as her own and then Amy got the one Sarah had previously closed).

A few things stood out for me about the Easter egg hunt...once again it pointed out that I have not been making it up when I see other typical kids engaging in activities and I think that Sarah won't do the activity. It's true. As of now, most of the time, she will either do something entirely different or do the activity in a different way..... So this is another opportunity for me to notice where I am stuck on how things should be a certain way and to open my heart to allow it to be wonderful...not just ok, but really great that Sarah does things her way. And to also allow it to be ok that I am overjoyed that Amy participates eagerly in the neurotypical way. It is so great to have Sarah be who she is to help me open my heart and let go of shoulds. And it is so great to have Amy be typical. I guess it points out that it's not about my parenting. I can think that I did something wrong and that is why Sarah doesn't do things typically but that is just as erroneous as thinking I did something right to make Amy be who she is. Sure, I endeavor to be loving, supportive, and instructive, but they take that input where they take it. There is only so much I can control (as is pointed out in great detail every day when I try unsuccessfully to control my children in varying ways!).

How do I write about all of this experience of being Sarah's mom, of being a mom, in such a way as to share how hard it sometimes feels and to also really own that it is my beliefs that make it feel hard and to make sure the girls know they are really loved? Is it ok to share that it has been so heartbreaking over the years watching typical kids participate in some activity and knowing that Sarah isn't there yet? and it is ok to share that I feel proud and love the fact that Amy is typical? typical or neurotypical being the new pc way of saying "normal." And yet, we are all such individuals. I have my quirks and I'm glad that Carl can love me in spite of some of them. I can be really grumpy and he doesn't fault me for it, which helps me reach equilibrium faster. I wish I could be more that way with the girls. I see how I take in the idea of happiness being a choice and I want to be happy so much that then I don't give people loving space to be unhappy. I sometimes grumpily tell Sarah that she can wait either happily or unhappily. I sometimes grumpily tell her it won't make it happen faster if she is mad. But is that the response I would want when I am mad or upset? not at all. Certainly I often have compassion and open creativity in listening to Sarah and helping her, but I don't when I am tight and grumpy myself, as I was this morning. My mom made the good point that if I don't accept my own self gently for the times I am grumpy then I probably won't have much space for the girls when they are grumpy. Well played, Mom, well played! If she had just told me to be kinder to myself I probably would have brushed the comment aside. But in the context of helping me be a better mom, well, I guess I better see if I can accept my grumpy self. Dang it!

A few nice moments from the week:

I realize that Sarah always gets her shoes on the correct feet now. I don't know when this resolved itself. Probably several months ago and I didn't notice because it was the way it should be.

Sarah and I were watching Toy Story 3 together, which neither of us had seen before. There were a few parts where we both laughed and it felt so good to be sharing that movie-watching experience in such a genuine way. We really both thought the same thing was funny. 

At one point in the family room, Amy was hugging Sarah and Sarah was giving Amy a chin-press (a sign of affection). Amy then looked up and said "kih kih" (kiss, kiss) and Sarah leaned down and kissed Amy on the forehead. So adorable!!

I think in some ways we have a tiny version of the odd couple. Sarah comes in the house and leaves her coat on the floor and her shoes wherever she stepped out of them. Amy clamors for me to hang her coat on its hook and then carefully places her shoes side by side on the shoe mat. 

I am thankful for all the moments of witnessing my girls and feeling that my heart is so full that nothing in the world could be better and I am overflowing with perfect joy.