This process sometimes feels sort of like magic, even though I know exactly what steps we are taking that seem to make a difference. What feels like magic is that we play in these specific ways in the SR room (child centered, joining, celebrating, building) and then Sarah seems to have an easier time and make progress in areas outside of the playroom. We went to the playground this week and Sarah seemed more alert and less ismy than usual in playground settings. She did follow some kids around a bit, watching their legs and feet, but with much less finger isms/tension and without many "eeee" sounds. She ran up to a dad once and touched his shorts. When he said hi then she looked at him and left. In the past she would have stayed with the pants much longer. She was also really watching the other kids in a calmer, more attentive way. It was the first time that I can remember seeing her at playground and feeling proud, which really says more about how much I have shifted internally than it says about her, though her progress certainly helps.
As I let go of my past bitterness over her condition (why me?) I am now feeling so grateful (thank God Sarah is as she is!). I truly feel like I am shifting into a happier way of being in all ways. I certainly have times that feel struggly but I'm now looking them in they eyeballs more instead of hiding from them or thinking someone else will fix it. I am happier doing laundry and dishes because I'm deciding that if I'm going to do them then I might as well choose to be present and acknowledge that I want to do them (or have them done) and that I don't have to be hurrying to make them done faster than I can actually do them. Often my past resistance to cleaning the kitchen or putting away clothes has been from a feeling that these tasks needed to be done yester-minute, which means that I move grumpily or tightly through them instead of thinking "oh, it is now time to put away clothes. ok. isn't it great that I have these clothes to put away? this is just the right thing to be doing now." I am happier regarding Carl's twice weekly rowing because I am choosing to see it as him taking care of himself so that he can be healthy for his family. This is a shift from my past feelings of grumpy annoyance that I had to do even more childcare on my own. This doesn't mean that I'm not arranging help for myself at these times when I can; it means I experience the time with more acceptance and ease. Same circumstance; I just changed my belief about it. Once again, it is very clear what process I am going through to obtain these happier shifts, and yet part of this also seems like magic. My time in the Sarah-Rise room is helping me be able to choose happiness/peace/presence/love in other situations outside of the room.
Tonight while Sarah and Amy had their bath, Sarah started putting toy clothes on her toy bath dolls. This was spontaneous and to my knowledge has never happened before.
Earlier in the week, Sarah said something in the SR room while facing the rug and I asked if she was talking to me or to the rug. She said "rug." :) That just goes to show me!
Halloween has never been something that Sarah was interested in and it's still not. We went out today as a family to get her a costume. We looked at almost every option in her size and she rejected all of them. My past self would have picked something anyway and forced her into it later. This year we left without a costume. I was feeling very grumpy and disappointed that I had wasted our time and I was thinking she will never be into Halloween and wishing she would be. So... Carl pointed out that it was really great to have done the trip to the store because Sarah actually did consider the costumes and made a definite choice that she didn't want one. I also want to remember that 1) it is ok if she never is into Halloween and 2) maybe she will be next year (if not, refer to #1).
Carl took Sarah to a store again and discussed ahead of time how it was important that she stay with him. She did a great job, with a tantalizing door in view. Similar occurrences have happened all week with me as well, especially if I tell her when she will get to play with the door. I can tell things have improved with this because I keep looking around expecting that she will be heading away from me and as I'm searching for her I realize that she is still right where she was a minute ago.
My friend I. came over for lunch this week and noted that Sarah was much more alert and present and hugely more verbal than she was a year ago, which was the last time we had seen each other. Such additional witnesses to Sarah's progress are always helpful to support my own observations.
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