August 18

Sarah will have the same bus driver she had last year! This gives me such peace of mind as we approach the start of her fifth grade year a week from tomorrow. Bus drivers are a really crucial and important part of so many people’s lives. Having someone who is prompt and reliable is so impactful. I am relieved, especially because Sarah will be in a new Resource Room with a new lead teacher, so it is nice to keep the bus situation constant. Her new teacher already knows her because it is a small school and everyone knows everyone. It will still be a big transition. I emailed Sarah’s lead teacher from her past three years to get the email for her new teacher. Her past teacher wrote back saying, “Oh I will miss Sarah so much!” I felt teary reading it. I know that Sarah was comfortable enough to push boundaries with her teacher, so it is extra meaningful to see such an expression of love. She said that Sarah was such a joy to have in class. 

Amy starts school this Wednesday and will be in a new building with a new teacher. This is a big transition. She is eager and nervous, as am I. We can still walk, which is lovely.

Last weekend through the beginning of this week, we took a mini-vacation. It was wonderful, even if my shoes broke. I only had them for 20 years!! I think they are fixable with the right glue. We went to the beach and a small zoo where the girls rode ponies. We watched movies and ate ice cream. We went to Idlewild and the girls loved the ball pit and the wave pool. Turns in the ball pit are timed, and this year Sarah hardly needed any nudging to get out and get in line at the end of a turn. Sarah was heartbroken when the wave pool closed, but after twenty minutes of upset she was ready to get dressed. 

Friday was a lovely open day with not much scheduled. Sometimes this is a great situation and other times it spells doom. This time was good. They got back-to-school hair trims. We went out for lunch and had Rita’s custard for dessert. At home, I brought up many toys from the basement so they could refresh what was in the SR room and family room and possibly get rid of some things. The miracle was that they agreed on several items to give away. They played with lots of the games. They fought some. Sarah was grabby and then I tried to grab the thing she had snatched from Amy, and then the thing broke. Sigh. I would like to say our lesson was learned, but this was the second time we have had that happen. Some days Sarah and I have yelly-screamy moments and the day is overshadowed by them. Friday had several rough moments but they passed as moments and the feel of the day was still good. 

Yesterday the girls had an all-day playdate with a neighborhood friend. Sometimes they were all at her house, sometimes at our house. That sort of easy situation still feels magical. Carl and I got lots of cleaning done and lots of relocating of messes into the basement. So the house looks beautiful but the basement is scary! I often deal with the overwhelm of piles of tiny toys/game pieces/miscellaneous crap by just shoving it in a bag and putting the bag in the basement. There are many such bags in the basement.

Sarah rekindled her love of a board book called Clifford’s Peek-a-Boo. We gave away our copy years ago so I ordered a new one, but didn’t tell her it was coming. She was so joyful when it arrived. She reads it many times a day and wants a Clifford birthday cake when we reach the end of January. 

Sarah’s favorite music lately is a compilation of Christmas carols sung by kids. The girls have been drawing pictures of Christmas trees. It’s never to early to get prepared. 

Amy wanted me to make pancakes yesterday, but instead of asking with words she drew a picture of me as a mama cat making pancakes with a daughter cat jumping for joy.

August 11

When Sarah and I are having hard times multiple times a day for days in a row, it is hard to remember anything different. I think we are finally emerging from our extra hard time. Monday was a loooong day without enough planned and without help. Tuesday I worked a lot so that was easier. Wednesday I had afternoon help, but the morning still felt hard. Overall, I was still feeling like an awful mom. Once I hit a moment where I realize that even if an angel were to materialize in front of me and tell me I am a good person, that I wouldn’t believe them, then I know I have to change something in my thinking. So I did make a change. I  pulled up my emotional bootstraps and stepped into a bit more confidence about who I am. I also was busier and had more help. 

Then we had Grammy and Granddad visiting. When they are here then Sarah just wants to play with Grammy and Grammy is able to achieve results that I can’t. This seems to be the case often, that others can get results that I can’t. It is sort of odd to accept this, knowing that years ago I was just the right person to do so many things with her. But I’m not anymore. We can still have snuggly times, but they are very ismy. They are repetitive in the moment and moment to moment. Doing new things just isn’t our forte unless it
is something that Sarah really wants to do. 

Yesterday we went to Fort Ligonier. It was quite a struggle to get Sarah to get in the car to go there. Once there, she had a good time. The girls got stuffed animal bears courtesy of Grammy. Sarah named her bear Chester and Amy’s is Lily. 

Sarah and I both just really want to control situations and we don’t like giving up control. There are also many moments when Sarah says she wants a certain thing and I start to act on that and then she changes her mind. It is hard to keep up. 

As with so many moments, I don’t feel that I have any wisdom to share or any answers to anything. What my stepmom (aka Grammy) pointed out is that sharing my journey here is a way of offering companionship to others on similar journeys. Maybe we don’t need to have answers. We just need to show up and witness the moments. As always, thank you to those of you who witness and love and try to combat my emotional gremlins. Thank you to those who get even closer, helping us out of the trenches, offering love and yourself to our messy selves. You really make such a difference.

August 4

We had wonderful visits with some friends in Seattle before the girls and I flew home on Tuesday. The hardest parts of Tuesday were getting Sarah up in the morning and arriving at home. The airports and flights went extremely easily, aided by donuts, chocolate, and ipods. When we got home, Sarah desperately wanted cargo shorts. She had seen a woman wearing some on our last night of the trip. Carl said he could get some for her so I kept telling her it was a thing she would do with him. When G. did his SR time on Friday, he fashioned paper pockets that he taped to a pair of khaki shorts of Carl’s. This temporarily solved the problem. Sarah is such an interesting mix of specific passionate clothing demands and extreme flexibility (sometimes) to meet those demands with paper creations. 

Amy was flexible and helpful throughout our day of travel and the day after. When we went to get groceries on our first day home and Sarah needed to use the bathroom, Amy took her! This was at our small local coop, but still. That was a first. More than ever, Amy is assuming the role of big sister (except in physical fights and then Sarah always wins). This past week marked the first time that others have assumed Amy was the older of the two. Airport security randomly picked Sarah for a hand-swab test, but when they told me one of my kids got picked they said, “the little one.” I assumed they meant Amy and was surprised that they meant Sarah. When we went to get art supplies on Wednesday, the check-out person asked which child was older. I’m not sure why I’m more surprised by this than by people asking if they are twins. Certainly, developmentally, Amy is the older of the two. Amy is the younger sister and she is the older sister. Sarah is the older sister and she is the younger sister. They are both and.

Sarah and I are once again aligned with when we get our periods. She is a seasoned pro with using pads, but her new preference is the special period-undies from Knixteen. I only bought a few pairs as a test, but now have ordered several more. They are reusable, so this is also better for the environment. Being aligned with our cycles makes it easier to know when hers will start, but it also means we turn up the volume knob on our already-often-fraught interactions. Despite knowing how helpful it can be to have a good cry, I usually don’t do it. This week I have had two intense crying sessions. I wish they magically fixed everything. They didn’t, but they do help me feel calmer and clearer, which does lead to better interactions with Sarah. Carl has the perspective to know that Sarah and I are both dealing with hormones in our system making everything feel harder. Despite knowing that in theory, it can be really hard to comprehend when I’m in the midst of it. In the thick of feelings yesterday, I just couldn’t understand Carl wanting to be with me or anyone wanting to be around me ever. Extreme, I know. But I’m sure most of you can relate to that feeling of being pond scum, and even if you know it isn’t reality, it can be hard to shake the feeling. Luckily, after many tears and then some house cleaning, I felt much better. I am so incredibly blessed to have Carl and his patient, loving, creative heart that can give space and support to all of us, even when at least two of us are snarly/screamy/short-fused/grumpy/crying/mad/feeling-like-pond-scum.

Carl took the girls out for a long bike ride yesterday. Sarah is doing a beautiful job with her balance bike. Amy (with pedals and no training wheels) is working on making turns with control. While they were out, Amy made a piece of art using flowers and greens. She called it “The Sunset of Nature.” It was on the pavement in front of Three Rivers Outdoor Company, bringing a joyful surprise to one of the owners after a run. Earlier in the day we all went to Target to get cargo pants and school supplies for Sarah (Amy hasn’t needed any supplies for the past three years; the letter with her list of needed items arrived just after our return from Target!). Sarah helped with the scanning and the checkout person was lovely in allowing her to do so. He clearly enjoyed her, which is not to be sneezed at, because not all check-out people want “help.” I love that they each brought joy to people they didn’t know just by doing what they love to do.

Much love to all of you. If you are feeling like pond scum, I will remind you that you are not.

July 28

We have been in Leavenworth, WA for a wedding. Thanks to food and iPods, the flights went easily, if sometimes messily. For the first flight, Carl had been given seat far away from the girls and me, because our flight plans to get home are different. He gave that seat to me!! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. He also traded because on Tuesday the girls and I fly home on our own. Fingers crossed. This should be fine, but every once in a while Sarah has a meltdown at really inconvenient times. 

Unfortunately on the way west, Carl’s suitcase didn’t arrive in Seattle when we did. Luckily we would only need to wait two hours for it. We picked up our rental camper and got some groceries and then the suitcase. We knew we were going to have a long day, but the suitcase hiccup added little delays to everything which then meant we were leaving at rush hour for a 2 1/2 hour drive. And we would not arrive in time for dinner, so we stopped for fast food along the way. We did arrive at our destination in time to be dressed for the party by 9pm. That is midnight in Pittsburgh. Our day began at 5am. So this was one seriously long day, especially for Sarah because she doesn’t nap in cars or planes. The girls and I went to bed at 10pm (aka 1pm according to our bodies). 

Our camper was a vintage yellow camper called Purdy. It had a double bed and bunks and a tiny kitchen (though we didn’t have electricity hookups where we were). We all slept relatively well Friday, although Sarah woke with a start many times and couldn’t find the pillow that was so close to her. Once she fell out of bed. She was on the bottom bunk so she was fine. It did make for a fitful night, but that is not unusual even at home. 

Saturday we had an amazing day with just one spot of trouble. We went into the town of Leavenworth and played in the river for hours. It was the perfect temperature to keep us cool in the heat. The water was clear. The stones were polished and rounded. There were deeper spots for swimming too, but the girls mostly stayed in the shallows. The mountains were around us. It was sunny and gorgeous. Then we went to a German restaurant for lunch. We had hoped for live polka music but were too early in the day. That didn’t stop Sarah from getting on the dance floor, announcing a show, and doing a few dance moves. Then we walked to get some of the best ice cream in the best cones. At this point we had used up our buffer time so we headed back to camp for a ten minute rest before getting ready to attend the wedding ceremony. 

This could have been fine, but after a short nap Sarah was struggling. She put on her new dress but then her dress shoes (that I’d made her test at home) now hurt. Then nothing was right and she was taking off everything and screaming. Carl tried his magic while Amy and I finished getting ready elsewhere. Then I took over because I really didn’t want Carl to miss the ceremony of one of his best college friends. Carl had at least succeeded in getting Sarah to wear a skort and shirt instead of pajamas. I tried pretending she was a baby panda to get her shoes on. It worked beautifully until it didn’t and the shoes came back off. I paused to just breathe. At this point she wasn’t screaming. I said how sad I was to probably miss the ceremony. She put on her shoes. We headed up to the ceremony, which luckily started after the scheduled time. It was a beautiful beautiful beautiful ceremony. The girls did a wonderful job staying seated and quiet. The rest of the evening went relatively well, with another late bedtime after some dinner, dancing, and donuts. No one fell out of bed, but Sarah’s night was still fitful until I traded spots with her. 

Today had two frustrating moments regarding Sarah and her allergies. I explained that she couldn’t have any of the pretzels that were around because they all had peanut butter. She whined about wanting pretzels, but then moved on. Later she wanted a goldfish, which is normally fine. This time I noticed that they were in a bowl with nuts, including a pecan. I told her she couldn’t have those goldfish but we could go get some from the car. When I turned from throwing away the one she had been planning on eating, she had another in her mouth. She was fine, but that was risky and isn’t how I want her to be about taking responsibility for her own allergies. Sitters and SR people, let’s work on this whole concept! 

July 21

Two milestones happened so easily and so “normally” this week that I am simultaneously almost moved to tears and almost not noticing that they happened. On Monday Sarah had a camp friend over for a play date. This is the first real play date of Sarah and a new friend (if you don’t count the early years when play dates were really about parents meeting while the kids coexisted). Amy was at camp. The play was mostly quiet and parallel, but the whole time felt amicable and Sarah wants to do it again. 

On Friday, Amy was gone for a sleepover and Sarah had a neighborhood friend over for a sleepover! This was a first for both Sarah and the friend. This neighborhood friend is notable for liking Sarah and Amy equally rather than being Amy’s friend who tries to include Sarah some of the time (which is not to be sneezed at either!). The sleepover went beautifully. Easily. In the morning they played at our house for a while and then switched to the friend’s house. Not that they haven’t done such play dates before, but still, this felt huge. And so easy as to almost miss the import. In terms of life milestones and hurdles, we have surmounted most that I deemed really rather important to me (walking, talking, eating, playing, being potty trained, reading). Having friends was the thing that I was less certain would come. Now I see that we are on the path! It’s happening! There is much for Sarah still to learn, but to have two peers who want to walk that path with her is amazing. I don’t want it to sound like a charity case to be her friend, but one does need to be flexible and comfortable with who and how she is. Which is really the truth for any of us and the friends we choose. 

Sarah lost a tooth after she was in bed one night. She got a tissue and cleaned the blood before going to tell Carl. I was out for the evening. She had the lights on and was loudly excited. Carl suggested that she could tell Amy her news in the morning. She didn’t want to wait.  Sarah climbed up on the lower bunk so her head was near Amy’s in the upper bunk and then loudly told Amy about losing a tooth. Amy slept through the whole thing. She has some serious powers! Perhaps these come from having Sarah as a sister and the frequent nights with lights on and Sarah screaming which used to be a near nightly occurrence when Amy was much younger. 

Sarah has had some rough times this week too, with big crying/screaming sessions. Luckily Carl has been around for some of them, because he often seems to stay more grounded than I do. The one time it was just me, the timing worked beautifully because I was on the phone with my mom. She easily stays grounded, present, loving, and unflapped when people need to cry. I like to think I do too, but I don’t always when it comes to Sarah. Anyway, my mom just stayed with me, often quiet, while Sarah moved through her upset. Just having that loving company helped me remember what I know so I could stay present with Sarah. So here is a reminder for all who might be on the phone with a parent when things get rough... if you don’t mind just hanging in there and witnessing the moment, your presence can really help the whole situation. Especially if you assure the person that you don’t mind and that you want to hang in there with them. 

Similarly, I appreciate all of you who read these updates. It is like you are silently on the other end of the phone, witnessing with a kind ear. 

July 14

Sarah and Amy attended new (for them) camps this past week. Amy’s continues for two more weeks, but Sarah’s was just the one week. They both loved their time. There were only two campers at Sarah’s camp and they share a birthday, just one year apart. To make transportation and timing easier for the morning drop-offs, Amy went to camp with her best friend and then I picked them up in the afternoon. That meant three kids in the back. Sarah is just tall enough to not need a booster or seatbelt-adjuster if she is in the middle seat. This is good because she refused to use the adjuster. The difficulty was that this meant Sarah was in the middle so Amy and her best friend weren’t next to each other. Amy was not happy about this, to put it mildly. She spent the first three rides home being mad at Sarah even when Sarah wasn’t doing anything except sitting and eating her snack. I have often noticed that when Amy really wants time with her best friend she has no space for Sarah and can become rather mean. It has pained my heart, but I didn’t know what to do about it. After Wednesday’s awful ride home, I sat with Amy and shared my observations about how she becomes mean in these specific situations. I didn’t know if these words made a difference, but on Thursday the ride was easy and Amy was her usual self with Sarah. She was kind. She wasn’t resenting Sarah for being present. I was amazed. 

Amy had been angling for a play date on Friday with her best friend. On Friday morning she asked if it could be a sleepover. I explained why I hesitated: Sleepovers have been the most challenging because Amy wants time just with her friend, but then Sarah is left out, and Amy becomes mean when Sarah tries to join anything. I said we could do the sleepover but requested that Amy allow for at least one activity that included Sarah. Amy immediately made a written schedule that included multiple activities that would include Sarah. Then she started setting up the SR room with sleeping bags, including Sarah’s!!!!! At first I thought it was Sarah trying to make a place for herself and I said that she wouldn’t be in there with Amy and friend. Amy corrected me. Again, I was amazed. 

The sleepover went beautifully and easily. The most challenging moment was when Sarah decided she must have a pair of pajamas she outgrew many years ago. She was crying and screaming. At 4:45am. I was grumpy and ordered her to leave the SR room and come to her room, though by this point everyone was awake. I was still grumpy. Carl joined us and proceeded to be incredibly kind, respectful, and wonderful with Sarah. I know he does this often, but I was especially impressed given the early hour. He allowed as much time as she needed to be sad about the pajamas, but he also asked if she was ready to listen to him talk about something different for a minute. This took a few tries, but then she was ready and he explained that she could go back to join the sleepover if she wanted, but that if she needed to talk about the pajamas more then she needed to be with him instead of with Amy and friend. I think I was really resisting the whole situation, resenting the early hour and the impossible pajama request, which did not leave me room to supply kindness. Carl allowed the situation rather than fighting it. It was really beautiful to witness, as his parenting so often is. 

I love how Amy gets excited on Sarah’s behalf. When we were in Philly, Amy was thrilled that Sarah got to have a KitKat for the first time in many years. That is one of Amy’s favorite treats and she was so happy to share the experience with Sarah. Similarly, Amy was extremely joyful when Sarah got to have Dippin’ Dots at the Science Center yesterday. Sarah was excited, but Amy was possibly the happier of the two.

Last week I was concerned about making swim lessons happen while Sarah had her period. We had the necessary supplies in time to make it work! She handled her whole first menses experience beautifully and almost completely independently. I love it when she surprises me with her abilities and taking new things in stride. 

May you be surrounded by kindness.

July 7

We just got back from a wonderful week visiting family in the Philadelphia area. We saw Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, Grammy and Granddad, uncles, aunts, and cousins galore. We enjoyed the Morris Arboretum, The Please Touch Museum, two playgrounds, a scavenger hunt, and the beach (although if you are from Philly you would say that we went down the shore). Overall everything went beautifully, with only the usual small hiccups of sibling squabbles and Sarah impatience. 

The girls are really great travelers so the car time was easy. We made our alphabet word game more specific. Usually each person just needs to give a word that starts with each letter. Amy had the idea to do only animals and then only food. Let me tell you, I, Q, and the end of the alphabet are challenging! We always let Sarah go first, and she frequently impressed us with the speed and variety of her words. 

This was our first trip in many years with Sarah being able to eat dairy. What a game changer. I barely needed to bring anything anywhere. We got ice cream. Yesterday she had her first heartbreaking moment of the ice cream falling off of the cone! Luckily we were still getting the rest of our order so I just got another for her. It was hot and she got covered in ice cream because it was impossible to keep up with the drips. Then we saw a storm coming and finished just in time to run to the car. 

The biggest news is that Sarah got her period for the first time. When I first got mine, my mom took me out to dinner to celebrate, presenting me with red and heart-shaped gifts. I promptly went to Target to get a few gifts for both girls, so that the celebration could be shared. I found pink tank tops and pink shorts, and bikinis that have black and white striped tops. The watermelon lip balm has been ignored, but the KitKat bars were happily snarfed. Sarah has handled everything beautifully. The only concern I have is about swim lessons tomorrow because I don’t think the special period swim wear will arrive in time. So if anyone has the power to speed the mail, please do so!